RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN (Entry 41)

RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN (Entry 41)

So someone asked me out to dinner recently and I was thrilled (Yes, I agree that I have long throat. Feel free to judge me). It was in a nice classy restaurant, and if you are like me who tends to date (*coughs*) younger men, you will know that having someone offer to buy me dinner is exciting because I am usually the one whipping out my wallet at the end of most dinners.

I arrived on time just as he was getting there, and we went in together. I was relieved we got there at the same time, as I did not want to be kept waiting and have to order something he may not be able to pay for. Anyway we started chatting about different stuff; books, movies, and fitness. Both food and conversation were flowing very well. He asked me if I was familiar with Kito Diaries, and I smiled inwardly. The message is getting out there. More and more people are reading this blog and I am grateful for that.

Now, this dinner held on a Wednesday evening, and if you know how Port Harcourt GRA traffic usually is on Wednesday evenings (due to plenty churches there), it’s actually very smart to sit it out in a restaurant.

So there we were, post-dinner, still chatting. Eventually he asked me if I’d read KD’s post for that day, and I said yes. Then he asked if I knew who Dennis Macaulay is, seeing as he (Dennis Macaulay) claims to live in PHC and I had been in this town longer than he (my dinner date) was, so in his opinion, it was likely I’d know who the DM character is. I wasn’t sure what his intention was, so I gave a vague response, saying that there is a guy I suspect is DM but that I wasn’t sure.

And that was when he fell for my unintended bait.

“I literally cannot stand that egotistic prick called Dennis!” he burst out. “See the way he shoves his opinions down everybody’s throat like he is the spokesperson of the gay republic.” I struggled not to show how startled I was by his outburst as he continued, “Just because he is fucking the Admin on the down-low, he thinks he is the Queen of England, and therefore, we should all bow before them.”

I chuckled at the thought of the Admin and I having sex, and responded, “I really don’t get why you people hate that guy. I would say he conducts himself well. And dude – Queen of England? I don’t think it’s that serious. Plus him sleeping with the Admin? You know this how?”

He replied tersely, “Don’t you see the way the Admin pulls out claws whenever they attack her precious boyfriend?”

I almost laughed out loud at that. To be honest, I wasn’t angry. Rather I was amused at how dumb he seemed. First of all, you are sharing an unsavory opinion about somebody to a third party, a third party who you have no idea how well he knows the person you’re maligning, not knowing whether the things you’re saying will get back to him. Secondly, he was quite dumb not to have figured out that I was DM in spite of all the clues I gave away during the course of our dinner conversation.

Anyway, I sha enjoyed the dinner and waited for the moment I knew would come.

Eventually, he interrupted his beef to say, “So, let’s talk KD monikers?” He went ahead to give me his pseudonym, and asked, “What’s yours?”

“Dennis Macaulay,” I deadpanned.

His instant response to my answer was a quick laugh, as though he thought I was joking. Then he saw my expression and realized that I was in fact serious. His face registered shock and then mortification, and the dude began apologizing profusely. For a few minutes, I quietly basked under the torrent of his remorse. I enjoyed it thoroughly. Then, I told him not to bother apologizing; after all, his earlier venom was just an opinion about me which he is entitled to have. I reminded him that his apologies wouldn’t have come if he did not know I was the DM, and quite frankly, he had saved me a whole world of trouble of finding out how he felt about me. I knew now, and there wasn’t any point pursuing “us” further. I got up and left, feeling very satisfied.

*

One of my least favorite questions posed to me when I am getting acquainted with a gay man is: “When/how did you start?” It feels to me, when that question is asked, like we practice witchcraft and wizardry, and so, you’d like to know when I got enrolled in Hogwarts. I guess the question is often innocuous, but as my dear friend Bisi Alimi would say: “I was gay when I cried like a baby.” So to me, that question is very unnecessary and the worst way to start a date with me.

Anyway, following my last entry on the straight-man-having-sex-with-me story I shared, a close friend of mine opened up and told me a story he had never before related, one which honestly surprised me very much.

For the purpose of this post, let’s call him Chike. So Chike works at an engineering company currently, but after his HND programme, he was attached to an electrical contractor who did house repairs and stuff like that. He worked there before his NYSC and all through his service year. He said that there was a very prominent politician at the time whose home he used to go to with his boss to fix stuff, and because of how fast he’d learned, the politician liked him so much so that when his boss started sending him alone to service the air conditioners and all, the man did not mind one bit. Chike was purportedly straight at this time, and had noticed the politician’s very young son, who had an effete demeanor, one which really put him off. But he was there to work anyway, so he avoided the boy.

One fateful day, he was called to fix the lights in one of the rooms. When he came and was directed to the room, he was surprised by what he observed. It seemed as if someone had intentionally damaged the lamp holders and he wondered who would have done it and why.

He got his answers quickly enough.

The politician’s son (who was the youngest child) soon walked into the room and started hovering in his work space. This made Chike very uncomfortable. Then the boy began to stroke his legs, and he instantly knew who damaged the lamp holder and what his reasons were.

Chike told me that he climbed down from the stool he’d been standing on and told the boy grimly that if he touched him again, he would smack him and report to his father. His threat didn’t faze this lad. Instead, he gave a scoffing laugh and told Chike that he wasn’t the first. He also said that if Chike didn’t give in to him, he (the young boy) would tear his clothes and scream that Chike had tried to rape him. Chike said he thought about the military men stationed around the mansion and realized that this was a Joseph/Potiphar’s wife situation; if this kid screamed rape, there was no way he would ever see the sunlight again. He said he wondered how this innocent-looking child of less than fifteen years from such a prestigious home could be such a monster. And before he could stop himself, his lips were moving to say: “What would you have me do?” The little monster told him to lie back and not worry, that he would do all the work.

And that was the first day he became intimate with a guy, to the point of anal sex.

He said that the driver took him home afterwards, and during the drive, he kept spying a knowing smile on the driver’s face. But he did not make anything of it then.

His ordeal however was not over. It became a constant occurrence. An electrical fitting spoilt in that house every week, and he was called in to fix it, and the little mister would appear, and they would have sex. In spite of himself, he soon began to enjoy it, and even began to look forward to it, so much so that the boy began to visit him at home and they shagged inside while the driver, who’d chauffeured him over, waited outside. That was when he understood the smile the driver gave him sometimes; the man clearly knew what was going on.

Chike said these trysts continued until the boy left for university in America, and by then, he himself had become a full blown gay man (his words, not mine lol) who chased ass like his life depended on it. He admittedly has never looked back since.

His story caused a big argument amongst a group of us friends, as we’d assumed he was like the rest of us – you know, born this way. Some of us argued that he was a latent gay man, an allegement which Chike vehemently denied. He maintained that he’d always been straight until the politician’s son came along.

Chike’s story was both surprising and illuminating. I wondered at the possibility of a straight man switching lanes from the English district to the French suburbia, and staying put there. Is that at a feasible aspect of sexuality? Over to you lords and ladies of Kito Diaries; what is your take on this?

*

I am someone who is constantly learning new stuff, and for the most part, I think of myself as very progressive. I was gisting with someone the other day when I called some lady we’d been talking about a prostitute. This wasn’t me being snarky or attempting to insult her. The girl in question is really a sex worker on the side. My friend however accused me of condescending to sex work, and went on to give me an analogy that even I could not understand.

He said I was denigrating prostitution. And yet, what was the difference between a prostitute and an athlete? Both of them sell their bodies to make money, he declared. I shifted uncomfortably in my seat while I thought of an appropriate response. I told him that an athlete sells his sport skills, and my friend countered that with his response that a prostitute sells her skills as well – sex skills. He said that the skills of sports men and laborers etcetera are all applied through their bodies in exchange for some payment. And so, how was this different from prostitution?

I went ahead to explain that prostitutes were liable to pick up STIs while working, and that the profession can be a serious health risk. I was smiling as I said this, thinking I had him. But nna bros started reeling out the stats on how many athletes there were who’d ended up with Parkinson’s disease, runners who’d suffered torn ligaments and dislocated knees, and boxers who’d had nerve damage. It didn’t help that Will Smith’s film, Concussion, is not more than six months old out, and the narrative in it was about America’s NFL and Dr. Bennett Omalu’s discovery of Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy, brain damage that most American football players suffered.

In the end, I realized that what was my foregone conclusion about prostitution wasn’t so foregone. I couldn’t win this argument, because this friend of mine was as hard as a coconut, with facts he was determined to convince me with not confuse me.

And so again, let me defer to ye lords and ladies of KD! Abeg follow me judge this angul.

See you guys next week.

DM

Previous South African Police officers laugh at man for reporting his sexual assault by 3 men
Next Kris Jenner says she ‘turned to God’ to deal with Caitlyn coming out as trans

About author

You might also like

Series (Non-Fiction) 20 Comments

THE DIARY OF A NIGERIAN FUCKBOY (Entry 13)

Dear Diary, It has been a while! It is indeed a long ass time I told you all the crazy things that has been happening. I guess I got caught

Series (Non-Fiction) 23 Comments

AS I LIVE: 2 (Honesty, Highly Overrated)

It is clear now, like looking through a glass. I regret telling my family about my status. I wish I had kept my stupid, brave mouth shut. On this note,

Series (Non-Fiction) 9 Comments

The NYSC Diaries (Entry 2)

4:45 am. Beagle sounds! Loud. Fucking loud. Like, screaming-right-in-my-ears loud. Thankfully, I’d taken my bath around 3:30 am and was already dressed. I just wanted to get some more rest

51 Comments

  1. bruno
    February 10, 07:30 Reply

    so prostitution is wrong but soliciting for sex in exchange for a favour from a straight friend isn’t? your sense of morality is a joke.

    • Mandy
      February 10, 07:38 Reply

      Bruno, he’s being human in that regard. the default setting of every human about sex issues is usually one of negativism. You think of prostitution and porn, and instinctively, you think of how wrong they are. What you ought to do instead of getting snippy is educate him on how he should think differently. #JustSaying

      • Max 2.1
        February 10, 08:07 Reply

        @Mandy, call a spade a spade please. I’ve actually forgotten what Dennis did till @Bruno pointed it out.

    • Dennis Macaulay
      February 10, 08:33 Reply

      Uncle Bruno, I did not say prostitution is wrong, I was only trying to put his argument into perspective.

      Biko when will you stop judging me for that story? DiarisGodOo

  2. Mandy
    February 10, 07:36 Reply

    I think this disgust for prostitution is steeped in the detestation that society has for sex as something you don’t make much ado about. You know, sex must be quiet and behind closed doors and not talked about. And certainly not marketed as a trade. That is why prostitution will not be seen as a career and porn stars not seen as career people worth aspiring to.

    • Dennis Macaulay
      February 10, 08:32 Reply

      A lot of people argue that prostitution is honest work and it appears I am leaning towards it. After all it is transacted and the terms agreed by two adults.

      • Chuck
        February 10, 08:48 Reply

        Is it? Let’s not romanticize crime and poverty abeg. How many prostitutes are making a living wage? How many go into it willingly and do not have pimps?

        • Dennis Macaulay
          February 10, 10:14 Reply

          Uncle the girl in question lives on my street! She has a flat and an very clean avalon! Assin girlie is balling and she doesn’t have a pimp. Prostitution in Nigeria is not as organised and coordinated as in amrika!

          Her clientele are mostly white men in oyel companies and I think she is doing well for herself!

          • chuck
            February 10, 17:42 Reply

            What happens when she gets older less attractice? Will she not begin to get younger girls to work for her?

            Anyway my issue with prostitution is personal. I can’t trust someone who trades intimacy for money.

  3. Max 2.1
    February 10, 07:55 Reply

    ????.. For the record, my bae knew I was max ever before we met, he actually liked max. I’ve however met alot of people who hated max(I always found it amusing) and said all sorts of stuff about max.. I always find myself laughing at them when I tell them I’m max. Our online personalities aren’t entirely who we are in real life, whoever doesn’t know that already isnt a very smart person. So you can go ahead and hate an online monicker, thinking you’re really hating on the real person, but in reality you just hate the “idea” of the person.

    Sexuality is determined during the 3rd trimester of pregnancy, so even if it takes you twenty-something years or 50, after journeying through pussyville to figure it out, you’re still gay as fuck. If straight people can turn gay, why can’t some gay people turn straight at some point in their life?

    Oh and that boy’s story you told is quite creepy.

    About prostitution:
    Better to spread your legs and get paid (no strings attached) than to spread your legs and get dumped/heartbroken(with lots of strings and baggage).

    • Pink Panther
      February 10, 07:59 Reply

      I swear, when I read the Chike’s story, I was creeped out. That the boy at fifteen could be so manipulative… Dear God!

      • King Mufasa
        February 10, 08:15 Reply

        Things he learnt from Sunday school.

        ?? hello max

      • Dennis Macaulay
        February 10, 08:42 Reply

        I also think the boy has been getting away with it; it wasn’t the first time he was doing it. As to why he kept going back there for the first few weeks? It was his job and really if he spoke up it will be the kid’s word against his. The kid was barely 15.

        I kept wondering where a little child like that learnt how to be Victoria Grayson! Odiegwu

        • Chuck
          February 10, 08:49 Reply

          Chike fucked a child? the health/ethical implications alone…
          I’d definitely not have an erection in that situation #notounderagesex

          • Mandy
            February 10, 08:55 Reply

            ‘Lie back let me do all the work,’ said the 15 year old.
            Sometimes that’s really all the little guy down south needs to know. Lol

    • Dennis Macaulay
      February 10, 08:39 Reply

      It has happened quite a lot; these people who throw barbs at DM before realising that I am the one. It is always delish!

  4. Francis
    February 10, 07:58 Reply

    See wetin boy of less than 15 years dey do. If na with a much older man and dem catch dem, na so dem go tag the old man pedophile meanwhile na the small pikin mastermind the whole ish. SMH.

  5. King
    February 10, 08:06 Reply

    Chike’s discomfort and initial abhorrence of the the politicians child depicts homophobia which we all know stems from a deeply rooted vulnerability Chike felt towards the male form. Homophobia is fear of one’s inward weakness manifested as hate for any outward figure that is capable of feeding on that inward vulnerability….I have met guys who end up absolutely gay after long years of sexcapades with gals. It’s like self discovery. Everyone has his own time of self discovery and there must be a kick off story! This is an inward personality which we discover in the course of our journey in life..i mean many guys have been molested by gays and they didn’t end up gay.. good morning

  6. Chizzie
    February 10, 08:09 Reply

    Here’s the thing, and it’s just my way of giving constructive advice, if you do not have anything to write about, then do not write.

    At this point it’s become so repetitive and uninteresting, more so than before and there’s been a dip in your comments. Frankly I don’t even understand how you find the time to keep writing these things.

    Anyways I thought to take time off what has become a busy schedule I have these days, to comment on this and in doing so I am doing you a favour, wouldnt you say? As my comment might revive some interest in your journal . Also Hopefully on cue the defenders of the universe would come to your aid this time, and your fickle self worth might spike abit seeing as from all indications, your only claim to relevance is this blog.

    • King Mufasa
      February 10, 08:19 Reply

      Oga Chizzie, Biko shut up.

      I and a couple of people still happen to enjoy his entries.

    • Pink Panther
      February 10, 08:21 Reply

      *sigh* I was actually settling into the satisfaction of thinking you’d gotten too busy with your fabulous new job for this series. Any chance things can go back to the way they’ve been for the past month or so? 🙂

    • michael
      February 10, 19:09 Reply

      Dude, it’s his journal. What did you expect?

    • Pink Panther
      February 10, 08:11 Reply

      You did not know this? 🙂 Why do you think he has gotten so nice in recent times.

  7. chuck
    February 10, 08:11 Reply

    If he didn’t want sex he didn’t need to go back there. He could have secretly recorded the boy’s threats. If

      • Francis
        February 10, 08:31 Reply

        You want to record a politician pikin soliciting for gay sex? Ok oh. May the Lord be you when you decide to reveal the tape.

    • Max 2.1
      February 10, 08:32 Reply

      Touché… Why did he keep going back ? He could’ve simply refused to stop rendering his services(no pun intended). He’s gay AF.. has always been.

  8. Mandy
    February 10, 08:18 Reply

    Teflondon is always harping about people who want to see the downfall of Kito Diaries. And he is right. There is a clear culprit for this. When you keep attacking the contributors of KD about how you wonder how they keep contributing to KD, essentially, you are telling them that it’d be better if they don’t contribute so regularly. And if they happen to be sensitive to such criticisms, they’d stop writing. And then what do you know? There’d be nothing to read on such days. And what’s a blog when there’s no material.
    Some people really should get over themselves. Simply because they have gotten a vocation that’s giving them small pocket money, all of a sudden, they can’t wait to throw how ‘busy’ they are in our faces. Hunty, life is all about multitasking. Most people here have been earning a living and reading KD and writing for KD since before you sojourned to Yoruba land for your NYSC. And they managed just fine. Throwing your new status as an earning Nigerian about impresses no one. Grow up and grow away biko.

    • Pink Panther
      February 10, 08:22 Reply

      Well thankfully, DM is immune to these barbs. So Wednesdays aren’t going anywhere. 😀

  9. sensei
    February 10, 10:50 Reply

    DM you and drama sha! Me I no for tell am anything oh! I’d just sit there and milk him dry of info and try to understand the real sentiment behind the hatred. Haha! That’s just me sha. I psychoanalyse everything even door knobs.

    Is it possible to turn a gay man straight or a straight man gay? I respond to that with a question of my own. Would this even be an issue if there wasn’t any homophobia in the world?

    Concerning the morality or otherwise of prostitution, the popular perspective on this matter is colored by our mental conditioning which makes us link sex strongly to morality. Many girls enter into relationships because of the material gain they can access. Please how is this different from prostitution?

    • Jon Snow
      February 10, 15:26 Reply

      Sensei boo?: psychoanalysing and finding out the reason behind every damn thing even when it’s unnecessary since 13th century. Makes me feel like hugging you so tight sometimes or throw darts at you at other times
      ♥?

  10. Dickson Clement
    February 10, 12:06 Reply

    D.M why on earth should you walk out on a date because of his opinion about a character called D.M on K.D. He has met the person, you should have allowed him to meet the personality behind the character. Now you walked out, you may have successfully validated his opinion! That chike story….uhm!! I can’t place my finger on it, but sometin doesn’t just add up in that story!! Finally, DR. Benett is an Alumni of F.G.C. Enugu! Shout out to all the smart Federal Enugu pple!!

    • Max 2.1
      February 10, 12:43 Reply

      People like Dennis don’t like to be criticized.. And there lies the problem. Criticism helps you reevaluate yourslef and know when and where you’ve gone wron . It actually helps in personal growth. I’m not talking about giving 2 shits about everything that people say or trying to please people, but I think a lot can be learned if we just keep quiet sometimes and just listen.

      What the guy said about PP and Dennis though(according to this post) isnt true. But I agree with you that he shouldn’t have left

      • Francis
        February 10, 13:18 Reply

        Hmmm, Max I fit lend you mirror? ??

        • Max 2.1
          February 10, 13:31 Reply

          @Parafrancis, not today… ???

          • Francis
            February 10, 16:10 Reply

            ??? @Parafrancis. To adopt or not to? Hmmmm

  11. Bobby
    February 10, 12:55 Reply

    And yet they say Dennis is the one shoving his opinion down people’s throat.
    1) just as every human takes a crap from time to time, they will always have an opinion. Which sometimes doesnt need to be voiced out. Buh again ..only the intelligent ones understands this.
    2) leave judgement alone…if a man want so rub lipstick and perm his hair. Let him be. If a prostitute want to call her work customer care relations, let her be. Just let people be for crying out loud. She aint yo sister. Chike fucked a 15yr old boy cos if he refused he would have been in danger. Stop lyking this case to that of joseph and portiphar’s wife. The fuck has already been fucked. No need to voice ur opinion with distate or drama. Its a conversation.
    And PP why do i have to fill in name and email anytime i want to comment?…is it how u use to do?

  12. Nefretiti
    February 10, 13:16 Reply

    Is it just me or is the driver gay also? And really how r u gay from d 3rd trimester ? I really can’t understand dat @ max .

  13. Bobby
    February 10, 13:19 Reply

    Oooh chim???!…some pipu neva learn.

  14. Colossus
    February 10, 13:29 Reply

    I like chike.
    Chike is evil.
    I like evil.
    Ergo, I like chike.

  15. ambivalentone
    February 10, 13:56 Reply

    I don’t know why I feel this Dennis’ story is incomplete. I was quite surprised he didn’t capitalize on the poor guy’s apology and demand sex by means of letting bygones be bygones. Oh well *shrugs*

    Well, I’m not sure blackmailing the politician would do him any good just then. Maybe in these days of social media, he might escape with his life. But going back over and over…DAMN!!! At 15??? That bj and arse must be tha bomb.

    I do not av anything against prostitutes. Its their superbly uncouth attitude that irritates the shii outta me and all that exposed protusions they call stomachs. You need to see them at clubs, Cathedral and at Ketu-Mile 12. Bleh!!!!

  16. ikhines
    February 10, 13:58 Reply

    Truly this is turning into a bore-fest to be honest… this dude needs to come up with something else.This blog is dying slowly….

  17. Seldon Cooper
    February 10, 14:02 Reply

    You should have led him on a little bit to know more (that’s the amebo in me talking). I think it was wrong to have walked out on him. You should have given him a chance to meet the real you. *of course you may say you don’t have the time to waste on haters*

    I don’t believe people can switch lanes easily when it comes to sexuality. By default, (thanks to religion) we’ve been made to believe that homosexuality is wrong. It took me more than twenty years to fully come to terms with my sexuality. it may have to take a little push for some to know where they really belong. If he (Chike) wasn’t gay, he wouldn’t have had erection to start with (i may be wrong) but remember we have bisexuals. I’ve met a bisexual in his late twenties who started having sex with girls in his mid twenties. Lets say he was trapped the first time, how about the second and the third time? He went there knowing what was waiting for him. And I’ve come to believe that most homophobes are actually gays or bisexuals.

  18. michael
    February 10, 19:18 Reply

    Ask a random dude in my class about me and their response would go like this: he is a snobby brilliant introvert. Who never smiles or jokes with ya.
    But I don’t think that is true cos I can laugh for the whole of Africa.

  19. Nonny
    February 10, 20:49 Reply

    Dennis I love everything about you. To be frank with you I read kitodiaries just because of your RANTING.if everybody hates your way of writing,dont worry,some of us still like you like” kilode”.I’m in Lagos any day I visit ph I will hunt for you.

  20. T
    February 10, 21:13 Reply

    I met a guy, via Grindr, last week and invited him to come spend the night with me. Before we got to the bedroom, he told me of how he started sleeping with girls, at 11. He said he couldn’t help but finger any lady house keeper that lived in their house…

    About 4 years ago, somehow, he got into the gay lifestyle and hasn’t looked back. He has a daughter but cannot fathom picking pussy over bussy. He even mentioned 2 celebrities he’s slept with (I believe him- he’s good looking) and described how they like their sex… That said, DM, I also baffled as to how men switch like that.

    Secondly, I believe prostitution should be legalized. Whether we like it or not, people are going to patronize prostitutes so why not legalize it and tax whore houses? Tax pleasure… That way, it’d even be safer. Also mandate the use of protection. In this day and age, no one should be involved in bare-back…

    • chuck
      February 11, 11:41 Reply

      How do these celebrities like their sex? We need a gay Stella DimokoKorkus

Leave a Reply