EMERALD THOUGHTS (PART 2)
Previously on Emerald Thoughts…
*
“I’m married.”
It felt like someone had pushed me hard from behind unexpectedly. I stopped in my tracks, juggling the weight of the revelation in my head as I slowly turned to face him. He was staring hard into my eyes, searching for something, perhaps some leniency, as he slowly got to his feet. I gestured for him to sit back down. My head was spinning. I didn’t need him to come close to me or start with his apologies.
I just needed an explanation as to why he chose to tell me this now.
He sat down slowly again, and brought his head down. “I’m sorry,” he said, his voice heavy with remorse. “I didn’t know how you would feel if I told you of my marital status earlier,” he said as he watched me sit down. I was glaring.
“You didn’t know how I could feel,” I said, “or you just wanted to make sure nothing stopped you from having your way with me.”
“No,” he quickly countered. “Yes. I like you as a person but I also didn’t want to lose the opportunity of having sex with you. I would have told you on that first day we met –”
“Yes, you would have,” I cut him off, burning anger heavy in my voice.
“I’m sorry, please. Ever since I got married, I have never had the opportunity of having as much sex with a man as I would like. So whatever chance I get, I make use of it.”
“So you’re saying that you love cheating on your wife…” I paused before adding, “with boys?”
He winced. He’d clearly not expected me to be so blunt. I glared at him, silently prodding him to keep talking.
“You see, I’m gay,” he said, “and sometimes these feelings cannot be helped.”
“But you decided to get married, Emerald,” I said.
“I didn’t decide to get married, Delle. My father made me get married. It had to be done and I had no choice.”
“You had no choice or you felt it was the right thing to do?”
“I had no choice,” he maintained, “and yes, it was the right thing to do. You see, in the Nigerian society–”
I didn’t want to hear it. Fuming, I got up and leaned toward him. “In the Nigerian society, it’s a good thing to cheat on your wife and get away with it? Is that what you want to say? To completely live a lie, right? To deceive guys like me just because you want to fuck ass? To please society and displease yourself? To live in constant fear of your wife finding out whom you truly are? To –”
“What do you expect of me?!” he barked ferociously then, startling me with the outburst that I lost the train of my tirade.
He got to his feet and began to pace. His eyes looked teary and his voice was heavy with emotion when he finally spoke, “I know, okay? I know I’m not the best man there is. I know I’m a cheat and may forever be a cheat. I know I cannot stop wanting guys. I know I’m a coward for getting married. But this” – he turned to me and his eyes flashed – “is my reality and I can’t change it. What am I supposed to do now? Chase the woman away? Throw my kids out?”
“You could have stayed true to yourself,” I quietly answered, shaken by his emotional outpour. I hadn’t expected him to get so emotional about it.
“But I didn’t and it saddens me. Now it’s past. This is the present.”
“Emerald, do you think being married is the best thing to have done?” I questioned. “Are you attracted to women too? Would you encourage another gay man to do the same?”
“Too many questions,” he said. He paused to clear his throat before saying, “Well, I don’t know. I believe anyone should do what they want to do. We are in Nigeria and that is that. As for being attracted to women, Delle, my wife is the only woman I have ever had my dick up for.”
I sighed and turned to leave the room, to get him the water he had requested for earlier. His head was bent downwards with his palms supporting it when I returned.
“Here,” I said, “take your water.”
He took the glass from me and gulped down the whole glass at a go. He drank another glass. And then I got seated and cleared my throat to get his attention.
“Listen, Emerald,” I began in a calm tone, “you are a good man and I totally appreciate your kind heart. I’m not judging you for who you are, but I cannot say I’m pleased with what you stand for. You cannot keep doing this and expect to be applauded. You deceived me, just like you are deceiving your wife. That’s the problem here.”
“And I said I was sorry,” he said wearily. It was clear he didn’t want to keep up with the conversation.
But I wasn’t deterred.
“You’re sorry to who – me or your wife?” When he didn’t respond, I said, “Maybe you should tell your wife.”
“Ehn? Kini? Abeg, no go that side!” His tone was conclusive and his expression had turned flinty. “That is not possible. I’m sorry for this whole incident and it was a pleasure getting to know you. I don’t even know why you are this way, like you are one know-it-all. You are not even the first person I’ve had sex with, so who are you to tell me what to do? Thanks once again and I recommend a hot shower. Marital stains are not easy to wash off.”
He picked up his phone, got up and walked out of the room, leaving me staring after him as he made his way to the exit.
There goes my nice man, I thought to myself.
After a while, I stood up, walked to the door and bolted it. Then I turned on my data, logged on to Facebook and blocked him.
This is an event that took place shortly after my return from school.
My sentiment toward Nigerian gay men who are married is not in their being married. It’s not even wholly in the fact that they cheat on their wives or the morality involved (who is a sexually active man to talk morality). It is the fact that deceit seems to be a word synonymous with them. No one is perfect, yes, but no one should consciously work in the path of imperfection. My problem is that they seem to see nothing wrong in being gay, sexually active and being married. They make it seem like it is normal to be MGM and as such encourage the younger ones to follow suit. Your cowardice can be turned into bravery if you encourage generations of gay men coming up to stand for the truth. We cannot keep having gay men get married, sometimes simply because that’s what’s obtainable in our gay culture.
It makes no sense.
Let’s see it for what it is. Most married gay men are in that situation, not because they want to, but because they were pressured to, just like Emerald. This is the more reason why you should not defend it. Do not sanction it. This isn’t about morals or casting stones, it’s hampering the LGBT community. We are constantly steering our way according to the dictates of a predominantly heterosexual society and seeing it as nothing.
Isn’t this why we are homosexuals? Different from them? What’s the rationalization behind getting married to a woman and still being gay? Yes, society demands you get married to a woman, but I would rather stay single all my life than be in matrimony with a lady I have little or no feelings for. This isn’t a strange phenomenon; it’s happening, and by far better than waiting for a particular age to finally divorce her due to unfounded reasons you may or may not have conjured to back up your desire for a separation.
I do not know about the next person but I cannot encourage a gay man to get married to a woman, especially a straight, unsuspecting woman. We are firstly humans before being gay. What has happened to your conscience?
Just like the Siji’s and Lillian’s characters in Down Low (hey Santa), lesbians and gays can come together to make a pact if truly we want to shut society up. If truly we can’t help but live for society. It’s a whole lot better for the two in the marriage to be aware of the duplicity, than for one person to be in abject oblivion.
We should help ourselves, help the community move by truly living our truths. Getting married to a woman ultimately helps no one, not you, not the wife, and not the community at large.
And for those saying we should focus on the cause and leave out the condemnation of the MGMs, you have to understand that it’s the people that would fight the cause and not some foreign body. It’s us who are directly involved that should take charge and make LGBT liberation happen for us. If every Nigerian gay man and woman keeps getting married – and ultimately focusing on maintaining appearances – who will remain to fight for that cause?
Delle?
Written by Delle
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56 Comments
Mandy
November 01, 06:26The thing you should understand, Delle, is this: unlike other African nations pushing forward in their LGBT rights activism, we are much to content with our sad state here in Nigeria. Much too cowardly. Much too lacking in courage to challenge the status quo. Much too comfortable with how bad things are to try to make for a difference. Much too comfy in our closets to break down the barriers holding us back.
We are, in a word, weak! In Nigeria. Basically suffering and smiling, and loving it somehow.
And that is why gay men will keep on marrying women, and closeted men will mostly keep on staying closeted. It’s like an encoded DNA in the average Nigerian, to accept his lot in life concerning any situation that seems indomitable. I mean, look at Duke. No offense. He’s in the US of A, the Land of the Free, and still reasons like the closeted Nigerian in Nigeria. As Nigerians, we are good at taking the route of least resistance in the face of troubles.
It’s sad but its true.
Delle
November 01, 13:28“It’s sad but it’s true”
Word!
esv.jay
November 01, 06:41I will save this for my afternoon nap. thanks
Mandy
November 01, 08:39You’re trying too hard to be petty, esv.jay. Give it a rest sometimes. Chizzie already has the patent on KD bitchery.
ambivalentone
November 01, 06:55He teetered. Oh boy, did he teeter on the brink.????
pete
November 01, 07:28Delle, you met and slept with a 40-something year old man and it never crossed your mind that he could be married seeing your aversion to MGMs (how many men of such age are single? question for another day).
Irrespective of the strides made in the equality fight,gay people will always marry. It may or may not set the battle back but it’s not the main factor,try religion for starters.
Pink Panther
November 01, 08:29Uh Pete, age is not a prescription of marital status. Especially not these days anymore. More and more single people are to be found amongst middle-aged people.
pete
November 01, 08:34They’re still in the minority. I was asking based on his stated aversion to MGMs. Shouldn’t that be amongst the first things he’ll like to find out?
Delle
November 01, 13:31Like Pink said, age isn’t a prerequisite for marriage.
I don’t go asking people if they are married and I didn’t ask for his age (mind you), that was an estimation based on his physical appearance which could have been wrong or right.
Chandler B.
November 01, 07:35Other than the fact that he wasn’t upfront and honest to you about his marital status I don’t see what gives anyone the right to INTERROGATE someone, and in such accusatory and judgemental tone, about the choices he made in his life. He owed you nothing. Maybe an apology but not an explanation.
It’s not like you wanted anything more from him other than his ‘driller’. It’s not like you saw the possibility both of you walking down the aisle but the presence of a wife is blocking that.
And this,
“It is the fact that deceit seems to be a word synonymous with them. No one is perfect, yes, but no one should consciously work in the path of imperfection.”
He and you are from different generations. As hard as things may be today for the LGBT community here in Nigeria they were worse in his time. So maybe he had to marry then. So now that we are ‘trying to champion the gay cause’ he should leave his wife and kids?
Okay, maybe he shouldn’t leave his family. He should just stop sleeping with boys, right? If only there was a switch. If only being married cures one of ever lusting after the male form.
He should control himself, right? Its a choice to cheat? Exactly what the straight man says about your nature that he doesn’t understand. That its a choice to want to fuck boys.
Fight your own battles. If the deceit pain you too much go and out him to his wife and make the world a better place.
Mandy
November 01, 08:41Wow. This is a sound retort. Chandler, I didn’t know you had it in you. 😀
Chandler B.
November 01, 09:03Lol…☺
Well, I don’t think anything about everything I have in me can be glimpsed from my irregular comments here.
As Peak (milk) reminds us all… “It’s in you!”
YOU-KNOW-WHO
November 01, 12:20Where can I kiss you? Chandler B.
Delle
November 01, 13:40Okay so aside a prospective union with a man, it’s totally cool to be deceived by him??
And there’s a clear difference between one being judgemental and venting out of genuine anger.
Now Chandler, the points you raised in the last part of your comment, do they strike you as things that should be encouraged?
“if only marriage cures the lust for boys”
“it’s a choice to cheat? ”
Dang!
From these two statements, you clearly sanction all the negatives. And yes, unless your dick overrides your brains, it’s a choice to cheat!
Brian Collins
November 02, 08:42Max or is it Truth, you should relinquish your pseudonym to ChandlerB
Chizzie
November 01, 08:15You shagged someone for the first time and you want them to tell their wife? Cause you guys are a couple in love, destined for greatness, infact Beyoncé wrote that Love Drought song for you two.
Hands down the most senseless thing I have ever come across so far this year.
What in heaven’s is the big deal in having sex with a MGM that would warrant the lecture you gave him and are giving us. ? Like I pointed earlier and it’s even more apparent now, you are so used to getting little to no attention from guys, that you make a fuss out of the littlelest of things.
Look, in as much as I’m not keenest on meeting MGM. In the event dt it happens and I do shag them, u can bet I won’t tell them to tell thier wives, or guilt trip them, cause I know unfortunately thats how it works here and not everyone is brave enough to withstand the pressures of society.
I do hope you receive some much needed sense Delle before the year runs out.
Mandy
November 01, 08:42???????? Chizzie has found a new reason to live.
Bobrisky, you see what yaf cause.
Delle
November 01, 13:50Oh God Chizzie, you are so dumb, I literally feel sorry for your brain.
Firstly, I never said I told his wife or even plan on doing that (I wonder if you think I’m as horribly jobless as you who has taken time out to stalk all KDians when in truth, you should be moving around for brain donations).
As for getting little or no attention from guys…i’ve got to laugh at this juncture??????
Sweetheart, I’m everything you are not. I’m not fat and slobbish-looking, definitely not an ugly swine and not a brainless toad whose day job is carrying the handbag of an equally Daft and bleached mongrel.
Go get a life and while doing that, beg your bestie for a little money for cosmetic surgery. It’s about time we do something about that vacuum-cleaner you call nose.????????
Orlando
November 01, 14:33This was a complete and utter borefest.whoever wrote this is just trying too hard. This post made no sense at all! And to think you had to divide this piece of crap into two! I truly doubt the writer’s sanity though…
Mandy
November 01, 15:26Everyone wants to be a bitch these days, even at the risk of exposing how ignorant they are. Madam Orlando, take several seats. You may disagree with Delle’s point of view, but he made salient points. Perhaps it’s your brain that’s the crap that can’t take in his truth.
Haba! Busybody Chizzie-wannabes everywia.
Jide
November 01, 17:43Everybody that tries to be bitchy is a chizzie-wannabe?
posh666
November 01, 15:12Hahaha Lobatan! Jesu Kristi who knew Delle was such a bitch?
ambivalentone
November 01, 16:08????hot mess ooo
McDuke
November 01, 08:20Voice of “Wives of the MGM” ???
Tiercel de Claron
November 01, 09:28Getting married is a form of closet.
For closeted guys to now get on a limping horse n pontificate about how bad the other ‘closet’ is,how deceitful those that dwell therein are,really annoys me.
Such hypocrisy,but I’ll hold my piece.
And before any resident idiot would throw stones,i’m unmarried n staying that way
Pink Panther
November 01, 10:44This is you holding your piece? 🙂
Tiercel de Claron
November 01, 11:35I could have said more and you know it.
BTW,that should have been peace.That autocorrect bitch at it again.
Tiercel de Claron
November 01, 14:17P,kindly take down that foolishness of a reply below.
Delle
November 01, 13:54Oh shut your borehole up. I wonder who you think is in the closet with you. Sigh.
Some gay men were born without closets.
As for being unmarried, no one cares. Definitely not me.
So you can as well get married, you still would not qualify to be an MGM. Maybe the ones for married and animals though.*shrugs*
ambivalentone
November 01, 16:13???He still didn’t get it. Thats what u get rolling with idiots. Get em gurl
Bain
November 01, 09:32no offence but this is too bogus ….what?…he told you he is married after shagging u?..ehn so?….why give urself unnecessary headache on top his matter?…. he not even fine sef..is he rich?…see delle…telling him all you told him was uncalled for!…the man case is just like bubble over pin…it will soon burst.
Delle
November 01, 13:57My dear, there are things one does in the heat of the moment. Nothing more than that.
This story isn’t supposed to have been told but I had to show why this is my stance on the MGM issue. It’s like a prelude to my take.
posh6666
November 01, 10:10Honestly Delle u know i’m ur fan but you could have spared us this particular post.
I really don’t get why he had to tell you he was married,nor do I see any big deal in it that he’s married.
Like pls how does that affect your own life in anyway?or are you that nice that you are feeling sad for the wife? Its not like he proposed to you to become his boyfriend or anything yet you are catching feelings like this?even if he did sef I really don’t see any bigdeal in it.
That’s his wife and those are his kids.Either by choice or circumstance he’s married so cos of that he should never sleep with a boy again? Abeg am tired sef!
Delle abeg rest! it’s not that serious and stop being overtly dramatic.Who says married men shouldn’t sleep with boys? To me its fine if you were a lady and you feel bad that you don’t want to break his home.But in your case that rule doesn’t apply…Life is too short,stop reading unnecessary meanings and enjoy the sex if its good while it lasts.
Delle
November 01, 13:59Hian! Posh, so it’s a bad thing if I have a conscience again?
Overly dramatic? Haha you should see me in person. Life without drama is pathetic.
posh666
November 01, 15:15Having conscience for the right reasons is good but like I clearly explained in this scenario it’s so unnecessary..You really need to let loose and enjoy urself you haven’t done anything wrong.You aren’t hurting the woman or her kids in anyway,daddy isn’t dumping them to marry you or anything.
Mandy
November 01, 15:24I understand where you’re coming from, posh, and I’m not one to bash MGM, but when you say ‘You aren’t hurting the woman or her kids in anyway,daddy isn’t dumping them to marry you or anything.’, it’s not as simplistic as that. Of course Delle isn’t at fault here. But however you paint it, the woman and kids are getting hurt.
posh666
November 01, 15:28Then dear Mandy it’s Daddy who is hurting them as such Delle should learn not to worry himself over such issues.If the sex is good have fun and move on.
ambivalentone
November 01, 10:20Isn’t it sad (or convenient ??) that Pinky’s bandwidth was exceeded just after that Godswill’s post on Sunday?? E don clear??
Pink Panther
November 01, 10:42Sad? Convenient? What conspiracy theories are whirling around in that head of yours?
YOU-KNOW-WHO
November 01, 12:45Truth is some people already spoke my mind, so not much to say.
However, let me just state that this post doesn’t hold any credibility to me considering its coming from an Anti-MGM front runner. I stated in the previous post that am not sure this whole event actually happened. It just felt like a story someone came up with to try to win an argument.
Considering how you are anti MGM it’s a real surprise you went down with a 40 something year old man without actually trying to know his marital status. Hoe much?
You further confirmed my suspicion of this fabricated post and turn of event when you decided to end it with a sermon-like reprimand against MGM.
If I were straight what I could take from your story is this:
1. You are gay
2. You are a Hoe
But who am I to judge. It’s your life and no one tells you how to live it. So why are you trying to enforce your convictions of rights and wrongs on someone else. This MGM issue is being over flogged and I am tired of it.
Let me end with this, I am a potential MGM (an unapologetic one for that matter). Say what you like but at the end of the day it’s my life, my choices and it’s I who would live with the consequences not you or any of the Anti MGM band wagons. I have my reasons for wanting to be an MGM which I won’t disclose here but trust me I would live a happily ever after and so would my family members too when the time is right.
A designer friend of mine who is gay just got engaged to his Beautiful chic and it’s no coincidence that as you get older, your stance on not getting married will strt to diminish.
Do you and be happy.
Delle
November 01, 14:09SMH.
Too much sentiments laced in a supposedly frank piece.
Ok Tef, just so you know, not everyone has that kind of time to be fabricating stories just to sell an opinion. Like I told Bain, this post was originally meant to be just my stance on this MGM issue but seeing as I’ve had a-not-so-nice experience with one, I felt it would be more credible to use the encounter as a prelude.
Nothing more.
The ‘do you’ thing is what annoys me. Everyone is wanting to be in their comfort zones. Forget your petty beef with a KD pseudonym, forget your personal irritation towards Delle, but aren’t we fighting for visibility? Freedom? Decriminalization As gay men? Isn’t that what this blog is primarily about? What the community seeks?
That’s what the post is about. Sometimes read a post and not have the poster at the back of your mind with bile and scorn.
Pink Panther
November 01, 15:102. You are a Hoe
But who am I to judge…
Funny how full of judgment that statement reeked.
posh666
November 01, 15:25The funny part is he’s even a bigger hoe with no class at all who pays street urchins to fuck him.Honestly Tefmushin warn urself and stop calling good people who are better than you hoes.
Chizzie
November 01, 16:53Delle. Judging from how you are going about people’s comments trying desperately to explain your self shows how much of an impact ppl’s words have on you. An unemployed despicable man, gave you the (right) impression that you are unattractive, and your devastation was apparent. Same unemployed, despicable man said he was married and that left you so shook that you centered two whole posts abt it and became an overnight expert on Gays Against MGMs. Years of being scorned, laughed at and ridiculed for how you look and act has put u in a place where ppl’s opinions get the best of you and bring out the fool in you.
I just what you to know that when the chips are down Delle, you are just as irrelevant here as you are in real life and please do not forget that. Because, not only do you look, profoundly unappealing, so much so that scum like the one you have written about in two consecutive posts, have the audacity to even approach you, but from all indications you aren’t well off, and then throw in the fact that you are extremely effeminate, I mean you are basically borderline Onyx Godwin at this point.
You have it tough, better go and meet Bobrisky to show you the way.
baddest
November 01, 17:05I tire for this delle, not everyone wanna come out,nothing everyone abeg,even if I live in America, I won’t wanna be out,I decide how to live my life, married men chest,whether they do it with men or women,it is their wahala, next time make sure u ask someone if they married before u even chat with them, people like u is why I can never be open,never, not everyone wanna be gay crusader, fight ur battle, dont force someone else haba,he even told u the truth and still u dey judge the man…I hate commenting on blogs but u really pissed me off.. St Delle of Jericho…….. Come down from your high horse nne
Delle
November 02, 14:06Lol for some reason, this comment made me laugh.
I’m glad to have made you comment though. Now you can go back to your comfy closet.
Chuck
November 01, 17:23Unsurprising. There is no sense of right and wrong in Nigeria, whether religious, social, humane or otherwise. A society in decay.
That’s why someone will come and say you are on a high horse for not approving of cheating.
We already see many in Nigeria defending GEJ, Dasuki and the other thieves, because they don’t think anyone should face consequences for wrongdoing.
Just be careful sha, these ones that think cheating is no big deal might also think stealing, kito or murder is no big deal . Clearly they have no line in the sand.
Delle
November 02, 14:20?
posh6666
November 01, 17:43My last comment on this particular post.Dear Delle now i’m talking to you like my younger broda and someone who has some few yrs experience more than you,for the sake of your peace of mind,try and let go of this obvious hatred you hAve for sleeping with married men.Its not you who is the problem neither is it your business what goes on in their homes.
So long as the man isn’t trying to date you which you feel might cause problems BTW him and his family,let it go and just have fun…Me personally I don’t mind fucking or dating a married man and lets face it so long as you prefer to have sex with grown men and not young guys 80percent of them will definitely be married,so because of ur “conscience” you will now become celibate abi? Cos you are trying to be a good person…
Orlando
November 01, 18:58God bless you posh!
Francis
November 01, 22:28so because of ur “conscience” you will now become celibate abi? Cos you are trying to be a good person…
The fear of Karma is the beginning of wisdom
Pink Panther
November 02, 01:09Preacheet! LMAO!
Santa Diaba
November 02, 08:00Well this is disappointing. There’s nothing wrong with having a moral code, and I’m shocked that so many people are villifying Delle for his moral compass.
And yes, because of your conscience, you CAN be celibate.
Delle
November 02, 14:22Bless your soul!
Jacques Dubois
November 02, 09:04I really think this comment took a wrong direction. He’s allowed to not want to sleep with married men, and if he got offended by the fact that a married man didn’t own up to his status until after they had sex, it’s his prerogative to be offended.
Don’t make it seem like he’s wrong for making certain moral choices, that’s just not the way to go about it. I get your drift, but he isn’t wrong about his stand either.
Delle
November 02, 14:10Thanks Jacques.