Putting yourself out there online for one to get interested in you, for magic to happen, for a hookup to be actualized is – I’ve come to realize – hard work. Especially, in this gay clime where no one trusts anybody. I’ve always regarded shooting your shot as an art, something you’ve got to have a lot of charm to pull off, to get a guy who initially knows nothing about you to trust you enough to meet you halfway for your chemistry to build up. And when I hear stories of guys who are able to frequently hook up with guys, especially on online platforms like Facebook and Instagram, where there’s no official hookup community, I salute them.

Someone once told me that it was a Top thing; that the chase should be done by the Top after the Bottom, or the Top after the Versatile, or the Versatile after the Bottom. And I all Bull. Sexual attraction and the prerogative to pursue it does not belong strictly in anyone’s purview. And I say this, bearing in mind that for a very long period of my dating history, I’ve never had to pursue anyone.

I mean, sure, I’ve flirted a lot with guys online. But I don’t consider that shot-shooting, because that flirtation has to happen with a doing intent. Chyking is you endeavouring to get someone’s attention from your place of randomness, and also following up with an apparent need to get the other person to hook up with you, and being coy with the things you say and the innuendos you drop to encourage him does not qualify.

All that changed a while ago, when I met Leo on Grindr. As it turns out, nothing makes a dude determined to take the reins of a hookup process than the thirst of someone really, really hot. Leo was really, really hot.

He was actually the one who said Hi to me first on Grindr. He sent to me: “Hello gorgeous.” And he got my attention. And for a while, we idly chatted, with no real intent for me to pursue this. I mean, he said hi first, right? So he should be the one to initiate the conversation, the one to keep my interest, the one to supply information about him first for me to reciprocate. The one to send his pictures first.

Ah yes, the picture exchange. The moment Leo send me his pics, he had me on the hook. I was galvanized into action and basically took over from him. with no experience on how to pursue someone, I just went at it, being lively and bouncing from topic to topic to keep our chemistry alive.

First day, second day, third day, a week, and all was going well. Then it was that time when we seriously began talking about getting together. And that was when the roadblock started sanding my garri. Leo asked me for my social media contacts, even furnishing me with his. But I told him I wasn’t on Facebook or any social media for that matter. (I know, I know, even Pink Panther will come for me at this point for having expectations when I wasn’t giving the right commitment.)

But in my defense, which I went on to explain to Leo, I was at the time recently kitoed. And that experience was so scarring, I exited all social media platforms. I just wanted to escape the places through which I could see myself getting victimized. Even deactivated my WhatsApp. Before I explained my reasons and told the kito story to Leo, when I told him I wasn’t on any platform, not even WhatsApp, he of course didn’t believe me. Saying that everybody was on WhatsApp at least. But after my narration, he appeared to understand.

He made some empathetic noises that consoled me over my past. But dude was still averse to meeting me. Feeling desperate, I told him I didn’t mind coming over to see him. At least, that would mitigate the danger he felt he would expose himself to by getting together with me. I told him to pick a place of his choosing, and I’d be there. He could even confirm my identity from a distance, seeing as I’d already sent him tons of my pics. I felt really bad that this whole thing was getting shot down to hell, because I’d gotten to like him very much. It wasn’t just about his looks; it was the way we flowed, the way he made me be more me with him than I’d ever been with anybody else.

Because I was not going to give up, I searched for ways to prove my genuine gayness to him (whatever that means). I asked him if he read Kito Diaries, and he said yes. I told him I read the blog too, and then I name-dropped, talking about how I was friends with Delle and Mitch. I mean, those are basically KD celebrities, so name-dropping them should surely guarantee me some legibility. I went further by asking him to even contact them or Pink Panther to verify that I was Sage Philip. Heck, he should ask Pink Panther to connect him to Sage Philip, and then he could get my email address or the same phone number with which we’d been talking.

But Leo was not here for all that plotting of the Pythagoras theorem. To him (and I really couldn’t blame him), it was simple: prove yourself to me by yourself, or we ain’t getting down.

His reticence and eventual diminishing interest in chatting with me – you know, the monosyllabic responses to my chats – became proof that he had made up his mind that we wouldn’t be getting together.             At this point, I got really, really mad at this country for all the ways it had wrecked our community so much, that the organic process of online hookups was no longer a thing. If we lived in a more tolerable society, Grindr would have been enough. We would have gone on from there to getting together and fucking like rabbits.

I was not happy. And it seemed Leo wasn’t even interested in at least staying friends with me. I would call him and he would respond with, “Hello, who’s this?”


I was disappointed, because there were so many things I’d imagined doing to Leo in the privacy of a bed. Randy, dirty things that would now no longer be actualized because, Nigeria.

I had to give up and stop chatting him up on Grindr or calling him. but sometimes, because the image of his attractiveness wouldn’t let up from my mind, I would flash him or tap him on Grindr. He never responded. Dude had moved on.

And I was left with a raw feeling of pain over the fact that the first time I shot my shot at a guy, it all ended in tears. My tears. And it just gives me a whole new appreciation for those who always do it, who always put themselves out there, sometimes without achieving anything in the end. It’s just really tough out here in these streets, guys.

Written by Sage Philips

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  1. Uchennna
    December 20, 08:55 Reply

    I feel your pain. The people who find success with grindr are the ones who are able to remain detached no matter what. They’ve trained them selves to be completely aloof to emotional attachments whatsoever there. People meet,fuck and keep it moving. I guess that’s ONE of the reasons he was able to just move on so quickly, despite all the time y’all spent chatting.

  2. Higwe
    December 20, 09:39 Reply

    Sweetie , WhatsApp app takes like 5 minutes to download .

    All the time you spent sending him from Michigan to Delta to confirm your authenticity – you could have simply downloaded the app , given him a video call or something and then deleted it.

    I know we dump a lot of shit on Nigeria , but this one is not on her , it’s all you .

    While your reason for removing yourself from all social media platforms seems valid …still being an active user of Grindr ( the place where 70 percent of all kito stories are orchestrated ) definitely enervates your claim .

    Leo made the right decision.

    Keep shooting your shots though …maybe one day you might just land a stray that doesn’t mind being taken anywhere….even where the trenches are overflowing , the windows broken and the door ajar to a million questions . ?

    • Ikenna
      December 20, 16:28 Reply

      Higwe! Exactly what I wanted to say???

      You’re amazing.

  3. Lyon
    December 20, 18:29 Reply

    Wow! You know at some point I really thought this was me you wrote about, until you started going into the specifics. I really cannot blame you. Nigeria really happened to us and we’re suffering the effects.

    Actually, I chatted with a guy on Grindr and to this day he has chosen to keep so much of him hidden from me. We met at an eatery where I invited him to. I got so turned off when I had to lend him some money but I decided to let it go because we all get broke once in a while.

    We still chat once in a while but I’m not sure of where we stand right now.

    • Tristan
      December 21, 13:29 Reply

      That means you are hot? Maybe we should start from here, Lyon?

  4. J
    December 20, 23:07 Reply

    You have a right to make your decisions and don’t allow anyone to try to change your set rules to suit their personal interest. It’s a form of control, the moment you give in, you’re doomed. Don’t get over excited with people online , most people lost interest when they notice you’re a bit obsessed with them. Why be jumping up and down when you haven’t met him in person? Pictures can lie, he could have body or mouth odor or the attitude of a scum… Imagine how he ghosted you as if you don’t matter. Some people have a very low self-esteem, the moment you put them above you they see you as desperate, a low life who doesn’t deserve the best. They prefer a challenge, someone who thinks they’re not good enough so they can work hard to get him/her.

    You deserve better honey, someone who will reason with you and make effort. Don’t waste your time with people that leave you to do all the work. Anyone that leaves your message on read for an hour or two is not worth your stress. I have been bullied and traumatized by narcissists, so I know their tricks. I have become so sensitive that I read meaning to how people reply my messages, talk to me and even the faces they make when I am talking. I don’t hesitate to delete whatsapp contacts or facebook friends, yes I don’t have that kind of patience and I don’t need it. You can call me St Felicia, sister of farewells ? No time to waste, delete them sharp sharp. You don’t need them in your life. Try to be honest and always tell yourself that you deserve better and you won’t settle for abuse.

    • Mike
      December 21, 18:37 Reply

      Mehn, can I say I love you? Or atleast in love with your discernment skill. It’s pure low self-esteem hidden underneath pride. I’m a confident nigga, if I like you I will go crazy, it is within my right too. But when you let it get in your head or start to treat me like crap, cause you think I actually like you, hmm Oyo. I’mma just walk.
      I text you, you don’t reply cause your forming celebrity, when you text, I will revenge, it’s really that simple. Treat others the way you’d like to be treated.
      A confident person wears their heart on their sleeves, cause they know that regardless of what happens, nothing can really touch them.
      Sometimes, God gives people a fine exterior but forgot to develop them on the inside, making them equally beautiful inside.
      So I no dey do low self-esteem, i like you better when your confident and know how to handle yourself.

      Sage. All this advance chyking skills over a picture, na wa for you o. Never ever trip for anyone whose yet to prove themselves to you. In as much as your a nice person, you can only control yourself n your reaction, it’s their job to meet you halfway. Nigerians generally have a problem, and it’s called over sabi sabi. They leave the real thing and glamour over fake ideals. Understand this, expect the worst but be positive and let everything fall into place.

      Grindr is a place for narcissist, a person with this your nature should not be on Grindr, they will eat you raw, dust you off and Waka, cause you’re not a wolf, those people are hungry wolves. Anybody I meet on Grindr is mostly for naughty play online, hardly anything else.
      You should adopt the same, unless you’re ready to play that berated game.

    • KingB
      December 21, 18:42 Reply

      I owe you Xmas brunch bro. I so much thank God I realized this very early in my life. Do not get overly excited when you meet someone online or offline. Do not do all the work. Let him show he desires u as well. It is hard work surviving as a gay man in this country if you aren’t confident, posses a high level of self esteem and Self love.

  5. Sage Philip
    December 20, 23:13 Reply

    Didnt know you still have this story.

    BTW, Am back on s0cial media now and am no more the one shooting the shot. Whenever am in lagos we will surely hookup.

    gp0 0 ph

  6. Kazuna
    December 30, 16:55 Reply

    I don’t even know how to connect. A terrible Introvert, I am

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