Straight acting.

Hmm. It’s a label, right? We sure don’t talk about it much. I don’t actually understand what it means, though I think it has something to do with gay men who are totally masculine and are erm…erm… *sigh*

Well, as at the time I was dating Dan (Remember him? My Port Harcourt-living, Lagosophobic, French-speaking beau), I hooked up with this ‘straight-acting’ dude. His name is Arthur. He had a face like a shovel and a dick like the farm tool, go-to-hell. He possesses that arrogance that comes with having a white collar job and being a man who fucks both men and women. Tsk!

He chatted like an oaf and looked like one, but he is still male; although, it wasn’t konji that prompted me to visit. I’d been a homebody for a while. I needed to waka small. I just needed to, even though I wasn’t keen on seeing the ‘straight acting’ okpo.

On the fateful day when I set out to visit him, I got lost. Mister Arthur gave me stupid directions. Person wey no know Lagos well dey give me wey no know Lagos well directions. Tsk! But at least I can direct someone to where I live. He couldn’t. Shameful.

It was frustrating. You know that feeling when you realize what you’re looking for is in front of you but you’d gone through Azkaban to get there? *sigh*

When the bike man stopped me on his street, change became a problem. While moving from kiosk to shop to stall asking for change, the straight actor walked up to me. He even looked more annoying in person. I wanted to slap away his ugliness on the spot. My chi was punishing once more for living the house.


That awkward moment when you try to form accent and it’s not sweet coming from your mouth… *tear*

When you try to form sexy but your body and mind are a mess… *tears*

When you want to prove good kisser but your lips are too fat and you can’t use ’em well… *crying*

Or is it when you want to pin a skinny Kizito to the bed and it turns out that he’s even stronger than you are… *wailing*


He is Arthur, mid abi late twenties, in the medical field, blah-blah. Like some in the gay community, he believes fucking boys is just a game; you indulge in it when “konji jigi bad”, you are bored and horny and the last time you had sex was with a vagina. Stupid much?

Well me, yours truly, had a boyfriend and I wasn’t going to cheat on him with someone like…like Arthur. Ptueh!

Konji Spirit 1 was using his picture as akupe, while Konji Spirits 2 and 3 were using his balls to play tennis. He was desperate to fuck ass. He pounced on me, bruised my delicate good kisser lips with his kpomo lips. I pushed him away. It became a struggle. I didn’t find it funny, but he was enjoying it. In his mind, it was foreplay.

I wasn’t going to let him. Nah. I wasn’t. “I have a boyfriend oh! Biko leave me,” I said.

He paused then, and gave me space. And the following ensued:

Arthur: What’s wrong with you sef? Ah-ah, which kain shakara be this?

Me: It’s not shakara. I have a boyfriend and I can’t cheat on him

Arthur: Hey! Boyfriend uwa! Where is he?

Me: Port Harcourt.

Arthur: Hmmm. How did you guys meet?

Me: Online.

Arthur: *hysterical* Chei! And you’re in love…?

Me: What do you mean?

Arthur: Do you love him?

Me: Yes! (What? Did I lie?)

Arthur: Hian!

Me: What?

Arthur: Abeg forget that thing. How are you sure he’s not fucking another boy in PH?

Me: He is not.

Arthur: Abegi! Who tell you? Just allow me nau.

Me: You’re not serious oh!

Arthur: Hmm. Just help me nau, it’s been long since I had sex.

(That’s the famous line which I hate. It always comes with “I don’t wank. It’s immature…”) I got up and started to leave. He blocked my way.

Arthur: Help me nau…

Me: No! Get out of my way oh. I’ll shout.

Arthur: No nau. Okay just suck me.

Me: Ooh God! Let me pass oh! Ah-ah, what’s all this?

Arthur: Okay. Stay, let me look at you and wank.

Me: *jaw dropping, wide eyed* Ehn? Wait, are you okay?

Arthur: Yes. Since you don’t want to help me get off…

Konji is a bastard!

He shoved his go-to-hell out of his pants and wanked. Freakish. Disgusting, too. I turned away from him and he grabbed me to face him. Freaky.

“Don’t touch me!” I yelled.

In seconds, he was spattering cum all over the rug. Wetin concern me? Not my rug.

These dramas we hope to avoid, right? Nah. It’s these dramas we live for.

Any moral lesson here?

Written by Kizito

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  1. Francis
    September 18, 08:03 Reply

    Absolutely nothing to learn. Wetin carry you go there in the first place if you weren’t into him? All these hook ups without checking chemistry small. You haff time oh.

  2. Ace
    September 18, 08:05 Reply

    Lol! Freaky indeed. But you no try oh. So wetin you been wan do for him house before? The brother didn’t want to be left with the blue balls.

  3. Max
    September 18, 08:19 Reply

    Hahahaha????.. This was funny. Contains all the phrases I hate. From “straight acting” to “help me Na”, to ” I don’t wank “. Even though you had no business going there in the first place, I like how you handled the situation. Although I wonder what would’ve happened if he wasn’t an ugly rough neck. What if he was a sweet cutie?

    • Pink Panther
      September 18, 08:23 Reply

      Then you can be sure the story would read like this. lol

  4. Greyjoy
    September 18, 08:23 Reply

    Kizito you can sabi to put yourself in uncomfortable situations. However it’s nice that you share them. I hope there are learning points in there for us. Hey, thanks for sprinkling all that Igbo up there.

  5. Santa Diaba
    September 18, 08:24 Reply

    Skreps. You people should stop associating with them. That’s the moral lesson.

  6. Vhar.
    September 18, 08:25 Reply



  7. Khaleesi
    September 18, 08:38 Reply

    I stopped giving jerks like these any of my precious time, long long time ago … the irritation and annoyance they cause is way more than any sexual satisfaction i could hope to get from them …

  8. iamcoy
    September 18, 09:00 Reply

    Arthur: Hmm. Just help me nau, it’s been long since I had sex.

    there is something that makes me come into your presence my helper x 2… my helper oh my helper.. my helper oh…..

    you for sing that ballad give that bastard

    • Mandy
      September 18, 09:01 Reply

      Hahaahahahahahahahahaa!!! This guy, you are hilarious.

    • R.A
      September 19, 17:30 Reply

      Hahahahahahaha! I’m dying ???

    September 18, 09:03 Reply

    Kizito you don’t cheat on your boyfriend but u had the nerves to visit a guy?????
    Now wait!!!!!! your visit, was it to go discuss abt the syrian uprising????? or abt the crane crash in Saudi Arabia????…….I will personally rape you if i were to be the guy….Do not mould or brew ur own problems……..Your story have no moral lesson, except that you need to go back to him and serve him your ass, like waiters did with food in fast food joints……

    • Pink Panther
      September 18, 09:07 Reply

      your visit, was it to go discuss abt the syrian uprising????? or abt the crane crash in Saudi Arabia????

      ROTFLMAO!!!! Perhaps, he wanted them to discuss on the declaration of ASSets by the government.

  10. KryxxX
    September 18, 09:09 Reply


    Onye ara ibe m Kizito! Very funny entry today!
    But u put urself in dangerous situations shaa! You r in his turf nd he would have had his way with you if he wanted to unless he is really d mumu u painted him to be! The villagers fanning his “iberibe akupe” r working overtime! Whipping up a tornado!

    But that “help me nau” phrase though…… Do I look like a blowup doll? What happened to ur hands? Sounds so retarded! And who doesnt wank? Seriously! I just can’t!

  11. Teflondon
    September 18, 09:31 Reply

    Short, Hilarious story non the less!
    you should seriously consider changing the title of this piece to “Adventures of a young Rough-neck Bottom”

    • Pink Panther
      September 18, 10:06 Reply

      Roughneck bottom? are you sure you used that word right? Or is this another ‘poignant’ situation?

      • Teflondon
        September 18, 10:27 Reply

        change that..
        “Chronicles of a young Bottom Rough-neck”

  12. Ruby
    September 18, 10:35 Reply

    If you aint liking the face…
    There’s pretty much nothin to like at all

  13. sinnex
    September 18, 15:45 Reply

    Someone would say you wanted it and were just playing hard to get.
    Another would say that you had a boyfriend and still went to see a guy, what were you expecting to happen?
    Wetin I know? Make I just dey drink my kunu gida and nunu.

    BTW, I love the way you write…heck…I love this series!

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