Guys, please, whenever y’all finish from your day this evening, come over to my place. I need to share an urgent situation with you. I need ideas. I need strategies. I need help!

I glanced for what has to be the umpteenth time at the broadcast that Jonathan sent in the morning. When I read it immediately after he sent it, I’d felt an instant anxiety over what the problem was. Jonathan is not one given to theatrics, so the tone of the message was very worrying. If either Ekene or Eddie had sent this, I wouldn’t be so bothered. I’d immediately pinged him back in the morning, but none of my messages delivered. When I tried calling him, he didn’t pick my calls. A quick succession of calls to the rest of the gang revealed nothing. Neither of them knew why Jonathan wanted to see us.

“I was even going to call you to find out if you knew what is going on with him,” Adebola said when I quizzed him.

“No, I don’t,” I replied.

“That’s odd.”

It was odd. The seven of us were best friends, but even within the gang, we had subtle factions, cliques made up of those who migrated more easily to one or two other persons than the others. Yinka, Ekene and I were a tighter-knit group, in much the same way that Biola and Adebola were, as well as Eddie and Paschal. Jonathan had always been the solitary one in the gang, primarily because he felt that the rest of us were gayer than he was. He after all had a woman in his life, and we didn’t.

But sometime in the past several months, he started warming more up to me, taking me into his confidence and including me in more aspects of his life than the others were aware of. I was introduced to Chidimma when they were still dating; our other friends got to meet her after they were affianced. Our closeness was helped by the fact that the hospital where he works has regular business concerns with FitPlus, my workplace, and is located on the other side of the road from the healthcare company. The proximity of our workplaces meant we could drop in on each other during the odd lunch break with ease.

And so, the fact that I was in the dark as to what this was all about not only worried me. It stung. Just for about five minutes, until I remembered that I hadn’t told him – or any of my other friends for that matter – about the fiasco that was sex between Paschal and I.

I suppose, even in the closest of friendships, some secrets are permitted.

But I’d soon know what Jonathan’s secret was, I thought as I hurried to the bus stop after I closed from work. Instead of getting on one of the buses idling on the fast lane, with open doorways over which the conductors hung and yelled for passengers going to Yaba, I moved to the service lane and got settled inside the bus headed for Shomolu, where Jonathan lives.

That was the other curious thing about this. Having all seven of us congregate in Jonathan’s house is like getting all of Nigeria to endorse gay marriage. Well, not that extreme. It had happened once before, after Yinka insisted that Jonathan could either host one of our Sunday hangouts, or he could forget about fraternizing with us. Yinka is a ray of sunshine, but he can be a real mean thundercloud when he puts his mind to it. Jonathan capitulated, but only after he extracted a promise from Eddie that he wouldn’t wear any of his scandalous skinny jeans to the meet, and cautioned Ekene over his habitual flamboyance. Lol, that guy’s paranoia no dey Oshodi market, I swear.

His greatest fear is to be outed. And so, whatever had trumped his aversion to having all his gay friends in his house at once had to be gay-related. That much I deduced.

Adebola was getting out of his car which he’d parked on the street side in front of the fence that walled in Jonathan’s flat. Nestled in the spot next to his car was an obviously-new, small Acura Jeep, whose ash-coloured bodywork gleamed in the fading light of the early evening. I was glancing admirably at the car while I waited for Adebola to lock up and walk to me.

He noticed my gaze on the car and said with a smile, “Excellent choice, right?”

My brows crocheted with incomprehension as I looked at him. “Uh, yes, I suppose.”

“I think so too,” he said, now beaming. “Especially since I’m the one who picked it out.”

“Picked it out for who? Do we know who owns the car?”

“Yes nau. It’s Biola’s car.”

My eyes widened with surprise. “Biola has a car? Since when? We were just at his place yesterday and he didn’t say anything. Matter of fact, I didn’t notice this car in his compound.”

Adebola chuckled. “He picked up the car today. And he was going to make an announcement yesterday, until the mess with George happened. I guess he then forgot. But the car runs has been on the burner for quite some time. I went with him to the dealership when he wanted to make his choice.”

See what I was saying about friends and inner caucuses?

By this time, we’d gotten to the first floor of the flat, stopping before the door that had stuck on it Winners’ Chapel stickers which proclaimed the promises of the Lord from 2009 to 2013.

“I often wonder which year we’ll get to before this door will have no room for any more stickers,” Adebola said with a sardonic chuckle as I pressed the doorbell.

A tiny screech resonated from inside the house, and moments later, a shuffle of footsteps on the other side was followed by the bolt being drawn and the door being swung open to reveal Ekene.

“Well, hello there,” he sing-songed.

“He let you open his door?” I observed with a lift of my brows.

“Oh, the poor darling is fairly distraught, just distraught,” Ekene said with a limp-wristed hand lifted to his chest. “With the way he’s being brooding since we got here, if you suggest a drag queen contest in his living room, he won’t even flinch at the idea.”

Adebola and I laughed as we followed him into the house.

It soon became apparent that we were the last ones to arrive. Biola, Yinka, Eddie and Paschal were sprawled all over the couches. There were two packs of Five Alive on the centre table, and the three cups, half-filled with the juice and placed on the stools beside Yinka and Eddie – and Ekene, as he went to reclaim his seat – showed they were the ones sharing the drink. Biola and Paschal were nursing bottles of Stout.

“So Biola, you bought a new car, and you didn’t tell anyone, okwaya?” I burst out the moment I got comfortable.

“Biola has a car?” Ekene questioned, joining Yinka and Paschal to drop surprised stares on Biola. The three of them must have come here before him.

“Yes o!” Eddie interjected. “The pikin came to my house with that fancy piece of metal to pick me o. When he pinged me to wait for him, I thought we were going to do his usual chartering of taxi. I didn’t know I was about to be treated to an air-conditioned ride to this place.”

“Hmm, ibem fa,” Ekene exclaimed. “See all these my fellow pikin them are all joining the Big Girls Association. Ekene Nnoli, what are you still waiting for?”

“For Moses to pay your bride price?” Yinka supplied with a grin.

There was an outburst of laughter as Ekene protested, “Ha! Must I be a married woman before I can become a big girl?”

“Ask him o!” Adebola enthused. “Single ladies rock jaré!”

“My dear, you mustn’t,” Biola concurred. “Look at me nau. After that disaster with George yesterday, I decided to pamper myself with a new car.”

“You speak like you simply woke up this morning and got yourself a car,” Yinka said. “What are you not telling us? Have you now gotten some Dangote connections? Link me up abeg, screwing that man is on my bucket list.”

“Screwing Dangote himself, is that not greedy of you?” Eddie said, rounding on Yinka. “Mbok, if it’s me, all I want is perhaps his steward, or last-born son.”

“Steward, last-born son, pick one, you slut,” Yinka fired back.

“Ehn, I’m a slut, I agree,” Eddie rejoined. “You, you’re both greedy and a slut. That’s two sins. Who you think say God go punish pass.”

By this time, the rest of us were laughing hard, with me doubled over with my mirth. The gaiety in the room however dropped several degrees when Jonathan chose that moment to make an entrance into the living room.

I looked at him, noting no outward expression of distress or anxiety on his countenance, except for the crease across the bridge of his nose where a frown had set, his uncombed afro whose kinky curls stood on end as though he had frequently run his fingers through them, and the tenseness that marked his body with a visible tautness. He seemed very wound-up, a far cry from the laughing, care-free friend I’d hung out with just yesterday.

“Is everything okay, Jo?” I said, standing to walk toward him, concern brimming in my eyes.

He managed a wan smile at me as he answered, “Not really…”

“Well, tell us what the problem is,” Paschal said, “and if it’s somebody who needs to be offed, we can get started already.”

It was a weak effort at levity, and no one laughed as we stared expectantly at Jonathan, waiting for him to speak.

Finally he drew in a shuddering breath, and upon exhalation, he said, “I think my boss knows about my sexual preference for guys, and he is acting like one determined to expose me.”

Written by Pink Panther

Previous Update: And The Idiocy Continues…
Next “I Did It For The Money” And Those Other Excuses Given When Caught Acting All Gay

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  1. Absalom
    December 15, 05:02 Reply

    Jonathan has a strong alibi in his wife. Depends on her cooperation and how smart the both of them are. Or how bad the case is.

    An unfair cliff-hanger, this, Pinky.

    • pinkpanthertb
      December 15, 05:04 Reply

      Lol. Sorry. But its been awhile i hung y’all out to dry on this series. Couldn’t resist this opportunity 🙂

    • Airdeecan
      December 15, 07:18 Reply

      If I drop its all your fault pinky… didn’t get your story.

      • Fitzgerald
        December 15, 05:21 Reply

        Lol… Jupiter’s cocktail? Wow. Anyway, I’m really sorry.. I’ve been insanely busy these past few months and only started reading again 2 days back…

  2. Lord II
    December 15, 05:15 Reply

    Hmmm…..mehn…the hype that preceeded that announcement sha!!! ha!!!

    Anyway if you ask me for ideas for the next episode…the boss has secretly liked Jonathan and now dat he’s found out he is one he is just doing small shakara to get him into his pants….ahhhh..that would be something.

    • chestnut
      December 15, 06:27 Reply

      (…Should I feel weird that “Lord II” and I are thinking the same thing?…*shudder*)

    • B.A.D
      December 15, 06:29 Reply

      I just think dat’d be a lil too predictable. Pinky pls don’t do dat 🙁

    • Airdeecan
      December 15, 07:20 Reply

      How cliché….. A lil outta the box thinking would do.

  3. Khaleesi
    December 15, 05:43 Reply

    God! !! Pinky, you’re such a sadistic witch!!!! We should catch you, make a huge bonfire beneath your feet and burn you @ the stake Massachusetts witch hunt style!! You’re just so evil for this cliffhanger ***tears running down cheeks and ruining carefully applied makeup***

  4. simba
    December 15, 05:44 Reply

    Okay, when it’s getting all juicy, u left us to hang dry… u not gonna see any dick or cute guy this week as punishment..

    • pinkpanthertb
      December 15, 06:29 Reply

      I already have a boyfriend, simba. 😀 He has a dick, he’s cute and I’ll see him this week. 😛

      • Dennis Macauley
        December 15, 07:03 Reply


        This Pink Panther and Scarface business? We haven’t seen our champagne oo! And Pinky is busy doing ojukokoro marriage!

        Will you keep quiet?

        • pinkpanthertb
          December 15, 07:09 Reply

          Hahahahahahahaaa ojukokoro marriage. One day you’ll explain that to me.

      • JArch
        December 15, 07:09 Reply

        But why’s DM like this? WHY is he always looking for Chestie to be his partner in crime and amebo? #AskingForAFriend

      • Airdeecan
        December 15, 07:23 Reply

        Yeah!!!!!, Rub it in, will ya?…..*RME……I think y’all are cute together tho.

      • chestnut
        December 15, 11:51 Reply

        @Dennis: I won’t keep quiet o! I’m just looking at both of them with side-eye.
        Mr ScarFace(I hope u’re reading this),how will u be enjoyin priveleges that u haven’t “paid” for? Is dat how u use to do? Our culture does not accept this; Mbanu!
        @Jarch: don’t u know a pot of hot,steaming tea is best enjoyed with a friend? And Dennis tea dey sweet DIE! Hehehe…

        • pinkpanthertb
          December 15, 12:00 Reply

          Dennis tea dey sweet die!

          Mrs M, you dey hear, abi? Issokay. *stirring milk into my tea*

      • chestnut
        December 15, 12:15 Reply

        Haaa! Pinky! Don’t be tryna start something o! Mrs M pls don’t mind pinky; u know I’m innocent,right? I’m just here for the tea.

      • Mrs Macaulay
        December 15, 14:10 Reply

        Anyway I can trust Chestnut!

        He is right tho, Dennis has the best tea! Very STRONG blend!

      • JArch
        December 15, 16:35 Reply

        Oya pinky and scarface…. you’ve been summoned to produce champagne.

        DM whenever you’re serving tea and blueberry muffins to chestie please save a cup darling. Since Mrs M says your tea is sweet hehehe

    • Deola
      December 15, 15:49 Reply

      All of una no well…lol
      STRONG blend had me rolling on the floor!!!

  5. Micky
    December 15, 06:11 Reply

    I love that this episode is about Jonathan. I was about asking Pinky when we’ll get updates on his wedding, etc… Nice job Pinky!!

  6. Dennis Macauley
    December 15, 06:19 Reply

    The funniest part of this piece? The church stickers!

    I know I am going to hell for this but my neighbor has these stickers on his car from maybe 2005 and every year is declared a year of blessings and all that and he still hasn’t been able to change the car! The stickers are rickety and worn out just like the car!

    It does make me laugh each time I see it

    • Airdeecan
      December 15, 07:31 Reply

      Haaaaaa!!!!, Dude you said it already…..#hellbound….you’re mean.

    • Deola
      December 15, 08:05 Reply

      Yap…your ticket has been booked. ROTFL.

  7. chestnut
    December 15, 06:33 Reply

    “Guys,please,whenever y’all finish…come over to my place…” Who else thought at first, that this was a fore-note from Pinky himself,asking us to to come to his place for a KD get-together?lol I was already biting my fingers for not being in Lagos!

    Pinky, this entry is short o; I wanted more! And that Jonathan’s boss…*side-eye*…why do I feel his motives are not pure?

    • pinkpanthertb
      December 15, 06:45 Reply

      Hahahahahahahaa First of all, forenote for a KD hangout? At my place? What am i, crazy? I cant handle all yall in one place biko.

      And yes, Jonathan’s boss needs some serious sideeye

      • chestnut
        December 15, 06:59 Reply

        *heart-broken* Pinky,u can’t invite us to ur place? I’m crushed! Anyway,all dat one na story; eventually,u will throw us a KD party o,and we will come in all our splendour and glory…hehehe.

        • pinkpanthertb
          December 15, 07:08 Reply

          Splendour and glory…
          How come you say that and all i feel is worry

    • Airdeecan
      December 15, 07:29 Reply

      Me ooooo, which is surprising, seeing as I was just der and no one told there was a parry.

    • Ace
      December 15, 12:58 Reply

      Yesssss! An anonymous KD get together or something. Pls don’t do it now i am not around or else person go die. That would be a good idea though. An English style tea party all pristine and gossipy. Lol.

      • sensei
        December 16, 00:05 Reply

        exactly what i thought when i read the first lines!!!

  8. JArch
    December 15, 06:46 Reply

    Pinky!!!! See why you won’t make heaven…. Cliff hangars like this are made of the devil… Then you had the bold mind of even admitting that you haven’t left us hanging in a while… Your hell bound surfboard awaits mi lady.

    But come ooo Jonathan is probably suffering from Obsessive Compulsive Paranoia lol. This one he’s having a major meltdown like a nuclear reactor. Wedding jitters has casued him to be super cautious. His boss probably made a innocent gay joke and now he thinks his cover is blown.

    Let’s see what happens sha…

  9. gad
    December 15, 07:08 Reply

    Waiting for more details.

  10. Brian Collins
    December 15, 07:15 Reply

    Ah the boss ke? I thought maybe the fiancee found out about him, or he found out he was HIV positive and was gonna get tested with her soon or he found out he has prostrate cancer as crazy as that may be. I didn’t think his boss’ suspicion would bother him so much.
    ION is one of them going to be HIV positive? Seven gay guys, not one positive person. It kinda doesn’t conform with world statistics.
    And Pinky too short jor the suspense was eating me and pls let someone fall sick or be seriously gay bashed (kitoed) and even bed ridden, I think Eddie or even ekene can take one for the team, something that would make them really think about their lives and have them bond over their friend’s misery not necessarily a fatal illness though. #anigeriangayman’slifeisnotalwaysabedofroses

    • Samaurai
      December 15, 10:03 Reply

      Brian, you’re evil. 😀
      So evil.
      I hope you know that?

    • chestnut
      December 15, 12:01 Reply

      Hian! Brian! So much darkness in u! Look at all d gory scenarios u thought And “asking for Patrick Sawyer”? Too soon…too soon. U need Jesus.

      • pinkpanthertb
        December 15, 12:03 Reply

        Brian biko the gang is still in 2013 oo! Patrick Sawyer and his question can like to chill for the time being.

    • Ace
      December 15, 13:06 Reply

      Hahahahahhahaha Brian! Thou art evil! Damn! How many books with tragic heroes have you been reading eh? That Ebola bit had
      me dead.

  11. Brian Collins
    December 15, 07:21 Reply

    oh Pinky you should be worried. And that KD parry should come soon

      • xpressivejboy
        December 15, 20:31 Reply

        Oriamu DM (Mrs. M), trust you’re good. I’m sure I’ll get a VIP invite to the parrie ‘cos me wanna see you…hug you…kiss you…and whisper my recommendations in the policing function.

        King/Lord, remember a CD, or a pack of it, this time.

        PinkieLuv, nice read…too short…I’ve always hated you for such kinda end, that you already know.

    • Lord II
      December 15, 07:59 Reply

      Brian am with you there oooo..there should be the Lagos KD getogether and then an Abuja version and PH session…to be hosted by none other than DM ofcoz!!!

      • Mrs Macaulay
        December 15, 09:28 Reply

        As long as I am in charge of drawing up the guest list, I am fine with it DM hosting!

        **sips sprite**

      • Samaurai
        December 15, 10:05 Reply

        Mrs M, always guarding “her marriage” jealously. I love that. DM, must be one hell of a lucky guy.

      • chestnut
        December 15, 12:07 Reply

        Wait,Mrs M, not everybody will be invited? Choi! Em…pls give us d names of ppl who aren’t invited and d reasons why( I’m not asking for amebo purposes o! #JustAskingForAllMyFriendsOnKD) tanx,for ur anticipated response.

      • Lord II
        December 15, 12:31 Reply

        Aha so about the parry tins….mrs M should we propose a date…say erm…25 Dec,…..?

      • chestnut
        December 15, 12:37 Reply

        King, u seem excited abt d party. I hope u know what kind of “party'” it is NOT? (LMAO…I’m sorry,I just couldn’t resist; this one was just too easy hehehe…I’ll be good now)

        • pinkpanthertb
          December 15, 13:19 Reply

          Hahahahahahahahaaa!!! Chestnut, you’ve always being hell-bound.

      • Airdeecan
        December 15, 13:14 Reply

        Saw what u did der Chestnut… .U shady lil minx.

      • Ace
        December 15, 13:20 Reply

        Hahahaha Chestnut oooo. This shade got me reaching for my flaslight! Talk about exhuming the poorly buried hatchet. More reason why this party should not hold in my absence oh! I have got to meet this shade projectors in person.

      • Mrs Macaulay
        December 15, 14:15 Reply

        Chestnut and shade! ***sigh***

        Meanwhile some people will not be invited! They know themselves! They are in Dennis’s inbox and Direct messaging

        “Dennis I am in portharcourt, call me”

        They don’t know I can see them!


      • Lord II
        December 15, 14:16 Reply

        Yeah well Chesty luv…I seem to understand it’s a parry and so parry it is whether or not we would get down and raunchy and possibly do the dirty…hmm oh well….dat just depends on the chemistry and biology of the atmosphere IN THE ROOM!!! Shay u understand…Hehehhe wink wink!!!

        • pinkpanthertb
          December 15, 15:13 Reply

          *shaking my head* i believe my interest level for this party just took a nosedive

      • Ace
        December 15, 16:55 Reply

        Eh! No siree! Not everybody lives the life fuelled by debauchery Mr. Lord/King.

      • Lord II
        December 15, 18:08 Reply

        Woooow!!!! I see for pipo who crack cake jokes and swap dick pics are suddenly bereft of taking a parry joke!! Especially U pinky hmmm….u might as well declare celibacy for all to see!!

  12. olima
    December 15, 12:11 Reply

    Nna Is dat all? just do d pointing n leave d rest to us.

  13. sensei
    December 16, 00:10 Reply

    @Mrs M: oh my God! you mean am? chai!!!! dudes!!! biko shield your man oh! hold am tyyyyyyyyt! lol

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