“Are you effeminate?” “I hope you don’t do like a woman…”

These are the questions anyone who gets around on the dating/hookup block would usually get.

Different people deal with such queries in different ways. I have a friend, Dayo, who is masculine and plays the role of a versatile in bed. And he says that whenever he encounters a hookup where the other guy expects to top him, that is when he gets asked the question. And that it pisses him off. So much so, that he would lie and tell the guy he is effeminate, just for the heck of it. He is that resentful of anti-femme bias.

As for me, I wasn’t always bothered by this. I’m not overtly effeminate, and I’d never really had an issue where a hookup soured things up because he had hang-ups about my mannerisms.

That is, until the day I met Olumide (his name for the purpose of this story).

Olumide was someone I’d been getting to know on social media. We had seen pictures of each other and the chemistry appeared to be just right. So, naturally, meeting face to face was the next thing to do. We agreed on our first meet being a date, and if things worked out well, it could extend to an actual hookup.

The date was going to be at a restaurant. I got there before Olumide, and sat down to wait for him. When he got in, he walked over to the table where I was and we exchanged greetings. I didn’t stand up; he just came over, and we said hi as he sat down. A server came over to take our orders, and then we started talking.

And out of nowhere, he hit me with it.

“Are you feminine?”

I was taken aback by this, because, well, it isn’t usually a question one asks another when he is sitting right across the table from him. I briefly wondered if I’d made too swishy a gesture with my hands or held my head in a way one might consider unmanly.

Then I realized what must have prompted the question: my attire. I was wearing a bright yellow tunic, which I’d made (I’m a designer), and the dressy nature of the outfit must have alarmed him into thinking I was one of those femme guys who wear their effeminacy out and proud. (Not like there is anything wrong with that.)

I was faintly irritated by this. But outwardly, I smiled and said no. I mean, it’s just a dress garment. He should be able to tell if I was feminine or not from sitting at the table with me the past several minutes.

He obviously didn’t seem convinced by my answer. But I wasn’t about to dwell on that. I picked up the thread of our conversation from where he interrupted it with his question, when he hit me with another one.

“Do you mind walking to the counter, so I can see how you walk?” he said.

I stared at him in stupefaction. Was this guy for real? There was a sense of objectification in what he’d just asked, a feeling I got like I’d ceased to be a human being to him. merely an experiment to check out for masculinity traits.

And for the first time since I was aware of this kind of prejudice, I was infuriated. Letting my anger colour both my expression and tone of voice, I told him that I would do no such thing. And that if he should insist, the only place I would stand to walk to would be right out of the restaurant.

He got the message and dropped the topic at once. But it would soon be clear that he wasn’t done.

When we were done with our date, food and conversation were finished, it was apparent that we would not be going from here to anybody’s bed. I mean, we had a great time, all things considering. I liked him and he seemed to be very into me. But I was just ready to get on with the rest of my day.

It was time to go, and I noticed that he was being hesitant about getting up from the table. I was gathering up my things when I noticed him stalling in a way that was very telling. And it dawned on me that he wanted me to stand up first and walk ahead of him so he could get what he wanted after all: check out the way I walk to see if I was effeminate.

The moment I realized this, my anger returned. At this point, I was very over this guy. For the first time, I could feel the malignance of femmephobia. And I wasn’t going to oblige it. I remembered my friend, Dayo, and I took a page from his book.

I got up from the table, and even though I don’t have a feminine walk, I made sure I sashayed out of the restaurant. It was obvious that I was being extra, and that was the point: I wanted Olumide to know that. It was my ultimate fuck-you to him.

I walked right on to the bus stop and got on a bike straight home. For hours, he took to WhatsApp to repeatedly text me his apologies. After ignoring him for a while, I eventually responded, telling him to go to hell. Maybe, among the Devil’s minions, he would find the masc4masc guy he is looking for.

Written by Jimmy

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His profile is blank, showing nothing but 39. I am having a bad Grindr day. When I send him “Hi”, he takes ages before he responds, and then we start


  1. Lopez
    January 04, 08:01 Reply

    What a good way to start a day. God bless your soul Jimmy

  2. Utonwa
    January 04, 08:09 Reply

    “After ignoring him for a while, I eventually responded, telling him to go to hell. Maybe, among the Devil’s minions, he would find the masc4masc guy he is looking for.”.

    Yasssssssssss!!!!!! ? ? ? ? ? ?

    The energy we should all learn to exude this year. Walk out on any trashy human that feel they have a right to detect to another how they should be in things that they can’t control.
    No homophobes cares if you are feminine and as flamboyant as an Amazon rainforest bird combined or as masculine as Dwayne Johnson, you are gay, and they hate you, might even lynch/burn you even. Deal with it.

    Met an ewu like that last year on grindr. We hit off quite nicely till the are you féminine question came up. It was irritating and exhausting. Dude said that if we met that I should man up oh but I should keep my feminine ways for him in the bedroom. ? ? ?. The joke. Boy bye.

    • Pink Panther
      January 04, 08:15 Reply

      So he expects you to do split personality disorder for him, while he’s simply expected to be one person.
      Just negodu nonsense.

      • Utonwa
        January 04, 17:37 Reply

        Assin eh. ????

        Ike gwụrụ biko. ?

        Imagine the stress of being conscious of your every move just to please another human being. Just imagine. Maka gịnị kwanu? Amụ? ? Nke jupụtara Everywhere? Chukwu ajụ!

        • J
          January 05, 10:31 Reply

          Amu that you won’t be getting constantly being ???

  3. Mitch
    January 04, 08:14 Reply

    Your response to Olumide…

    One of the major reasons I don’t do random hookups is to not let myself get angry at people’s gross stupidity. It’s like that “aRe yOu eFfEmInAtE” question is ingrained in some people.

    Wó, I don’t have chills oh! I’d cuss you out for free. Be there doing your masc4masc but keep it fucking far away from me.

  4. Mandy
    January 04, 08:37 Reply

    “Do you mind walking to the counter, so I can see how you walk?”

    ??????? This offed me. Hay God!!! Human beings dey o! What are you, auditioning for a spot in his bed? You gotta walk around as if you’re a potential pageant queen the judges are checking out to know if you’ll get a spot in the competition?

    Such arrant nonsense.

    January 04, 08:52 Reply

    Shaking my head – literally.

    I would have actually stood up and left right after being asked to walk to the counter and back if I had been in your shoes. I have no patientce for insensitivity and unreasonable behaviour.

    I’m a fan of the “live and let live” principle. I believe everyone has a right to their preferences. In my books, it’s okay not to be attracted to femme guys.

    HOWEVER!,it is NOT OK when we cross that fine line that separates preference from discrimination and down right femmophobia.

    Asking someone to relegate their effeminacy to just the bedroom is outrightly ridiculous. Asking someone to prove their masculinity by taking a “test walk” is just wrong and absurd.

    I feel it takes basic common sense to let the next person know what your preference is without hurting their sensitivities.

    Sadly, common sense doesn’t seem to be so common afterall.

    January 04, 08:55 Reply

    And by the way, I just took another look at the title and the picture and I could not help but burst into laughter.

    “Stand up and walk” ??????

    • Gaia
      January 04, 16:49 Reply

      Don’t mind pinky…. he keeps doing that to us. See how I was expecting to read about a drag race….???

  7. Higwe
    January 04, 09:25 Reply

    TBH , I’ve had some of the best sex of my life with effeminate guys.

    Muscly guys are considered more visually aesthetic but sex with them could be quite a dud .

    Hooked up with this instagram hunky hunk and midway into the sexperience , I thought we were going to start exchanging punches .

    * Don’t grab my ass too tight , I’m not a lady *

    * Don’t suck my nipples *

    *Don’t give me a wet kiss *

    * Your fingers are poking my hole * ??‍♂️

    After whatever we had we called sex I was exasperated , not because of the intensity of the pleasure but because I felt like I was in kindergarten again – so many rules to adhere to.

    My satyromaniac self wasn’t helping issues , because I needed to go again and again …and for every accidental slip of finger or lips , I got an admonishment like a kid in detention .?


    That doesn’t mean that all the sex with * masculine * men are all duds though ( some were really great ) but I’ve never had such issues with effeminate guys .

    They twerk on your dick.

    Worship you like a god .

    They’re also flexible as hell – you can bend them in whichever way or form you like ( okay , scratch that )

    Just saying sex with them can be a bang .

    People who suffer from femmemisia truly do not know what they’re missing.

    The inexplicable joy of watching an effeminate guy groak at you while you’re undressing like you’re a Zeus or Apollo never get that from the muscular ones , because it’s almost like looking at a mirror .?

    • J
      January 05, 10:35 Reply

      Oh wow this is lovely. My celibate anus is getting moist because of this comment ???

  8. Delle
    January 04, 12:30 Reply

    What a sizzling fool he is!

    Perhaps you indulged him a little more than you should have. Having to explain yourself when he asked that first demeaning question was all it took to make him comfy in his bias. An idiot, he is.

    On Grindr I get asked that question and I can’t even think of an answer to give. It’s just like being asked of I’m gay on live TV. I mean, what answer are you expecting? These people are so daft, I wonder, sometimes, how they have the initiative to come up with a pseudonym.

    So you ask me if I’m feminine and you’re seated expecting an authentic answer of Yes Or No: a yes that’s either said to provoke you into oblivion or to confirm your ‘fears’ or a No that’s to massage your ego or paint a lie of myself? I don’t get it.

    If you have that much issues with feminine people, then you better not try to hook up on an anonymous app because, my dear, YOU DO NOT GET THE LIBERTY TO CHOOSE! Stop putting an extra effort at being an asshole cos that’s what that question portrays you as.

    The lowest of them all are the obviously femme ones that are femmephobic and that’s when you know that there’s no limit to how one can be retarded and inherently pathetic.

  9. Rexxy
    January 04, 14:58 Reply


    Flips fan and walks away

  10. Jay
    January 05, 08:25 Reply

    Lord! Chills like yours is what I pray for because I know me, within nanoseconds I’d have switched to weyrey, I swear people would have had no iota of doubt about our sexuality before I leave.
    I get the avoidance of external attention which is why most men prefer masc4masc and women femme4femme, but dude, don’t be a 2faced motherfucker, that just makes you an indecisive ass. Don’t tell me to man up in public then ask me to twerk behind closed doors.
    The very exasperating part was him asking you to sate his curiosity in that objectifying manner, I see an internalised homophobe (those that join in the public condemnation of the queer folks) and a control freak.

    To the bin with thrash.

  11. Mike
    January 06, 16:54 Reply

    Well the nigga daft for not asking if you were effiminate before meeting you in public.

    Hmm, your clue was to leave the first time he asked.
    I use to ask that question when I was a teenager or something, imagine asking a 30 something years old if he was effiminate, in my defense me asking was a not fear of the public but at that age I was pretty bias about who I wanted in bed, I’ve only been with like men-men n fooled around with boys, who bounce, play football and chased girls and i enjoyed it.
    I idea of being gay was like two guys being together in secret, not a guy who thinks or want to be a girl, nor one who is effiminate, I think I saw effiminacy as too normal, like it’s just there.
    so letting the conji lead,i felt like only a manly guy does it for me.
    That idea changed when I met someone I liked, and he was effiminate, I kept having second thoughts till I actually met him in person, I realized I liked everything thing about him, at that moment, it’s like when he’s around nobody else matters cause he’s really engaging.

    Maybe you should forgive the nigga, we all learn new things, we’ve all got our sexual phase, and a straight acting male is not an easy thing in Nigeria, especially from those who are invested in that identity.
    E no easy.

  12. Black Dynasty
    January 07, 16:46 Reply

    ? i admire your patience because the walk question would be the end of the conversation and prompt me to call the servers to make my order a takeaway, pay for just my food and leave.

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