The Conundrum Of Tops and Bottoms

The Conundrum Of Tops and Bottoms

When I first started discovering myself, knowing I was gay and what it meant to be gay, I had lots to deal with. I guess we all did.

MOST of us did.

Apart from the usual battle with one’s attraction for the same sex, I was too stringent in my thoughts towards homosexuality – towards being a homosexual Nigerian. Too stereotypical. Terminologies learned meant one or at most, two things. In matters of sex, the idea that there was a receiver (Bottom) and a giver (Top) was intuitively there, and then there was the intermediary, the Versatile. I had a hard time understanding it but I did eventually.

This learning stuck with me.

But what I do not get is why these preferences define us as homosexuals?

It’s one thing to be defined by your sexual orientation. It’s another to be defined by your preference in bed. By what you may take just two hours out of your twenty-four hours to be (do). Defined by carnal pleasures and not who you are. It’s absurd. Probably, once a time in my life, I was that way, but getting on my knees and raising my two hands to the skies, I am grateful for being vindicated from such cornered thoughts.

The Top-Bottom-Verse issue has become so notorious that it’s defining relationships. It’s become the pillar on which a relationship stands. Not the personality of the individuals involved, or the charisma, or the charm, or even the physical disposition. Sexual preference supersedes all these, and therein lies the problem.

We complain on a daily about how we do not find it easy to find love, how it is almost starting to seem like the camel has a finer chance going through the needle’s eye than for a Nigerian gay man to get a faithful partner. And yet, we treat the good ones that stray into our lives in the name of concerns that shouldn’t matter.

So what if you are bottom and another guy that identifies as bottom asks you out? What’s the abnormality in two Tops wanting to be with each other? If a Bottom happens to fall in love with another guy, why should this significant other’s interest in bed create problems? Some guys go as far as actually making an emotional and psychological connection with the man who’d just come into their lives, and then when knowledge of his preference in bed matches theirs, then everything else that had been built is brought crashing down. This shows that one’s preference in bed isn’t a prerequisite for love. What then is the problem?

Many a time, tantrums are thrown when it is learned that “Vincent, that ‘manly’ Vincent who topped me, once bottomed for Deji”. (The funniest thing is that very little dust is raised when it’s a Bottom who is discovered to have topped for the first time. The hilarity in this irony is astounding.)

And I’m like: What’s so degrading about bottoming? What’s emasculating about submitting in bed to your sexual partner? What’s the abomination in letting another man take the lead in bed? If Vincent decides he doesn’t just want pleasure from digging into another man’s bottom, why should he suffer consequences for pursuing other avenues of pleasure that involves him being submissive? Why does that make him seem less of a man, simply because he’s bottomed? Based on no other form of betrayal, you automatically sever your relationship with a guy you have been with for an admirable amount of time simply because you learned he is not as top as you thought he was. It is ludicrous notions like this that bring about such tags like “pure tops” and “strict tops” and “fake bottoms”. Maybe there’s a Japanese company that manufactures the original Tops and Bottoms, and some sand-filled factory in Aba that produces the fake ones.

Or maybe we are just too daft.

Too many tags for one sexuality! If we had made as much progress in the LGBT movement in this country as we have in conjuring tags and stereotypes, we’d be organizing gay marriages in Aso Rock by now.

I wonder often times: what else is there in being Top or Bottom other than what goes on in the bedroom? Is there something else to these sexual preferences that I’m missing? Some top guy I know said he would never do a Versatile; for him, it’d either be a Bottom or his right hand. A versatile guy once told me that he would have nothing to do with a guy if he’s Bottom – this coming from a guy who tops and bottoms. Another versatile said he can only do versatile guys like himself.

“It’s heaven with two Versatiles in a relationship,” said Sinnex once upon a time.

A gay man not only has to deal with the heterosexual public’s stereotypes that come from being gay; he also has to deal with the prejudices that arise from what he does in bed. He ceases to be a complex being and is forced neatly into two boxes – Top or Bottom, and when one is feeling magnanimous – Versatile.

With this kind of thinking becoming pervasive, I see in the future, gay musicians getting referred to, not by their sexuality anymore, but by what they love to do during sex. You’d see captions like: ‘The bottom-looking Sam Smith…’ or ‘The Top Gay Jussie Smollett’.

During the recent verbal bout that led to the penning of this article, I was asked, “So if a guy you’ve been with, who told you he is top, who you knew to be top even before the relationship began, happens to love bottoming, and you find out, would you still be with him?”

WTF! Why wouldn’t I? I say I’m bottom, right? That means during sex, I love the feel of a dick inside me. And then comes along a guy who does exactly that, with a skill that generates no complaint from me. How then would news of him loving to be pleasured anally, unbeknownst to me though, change everything about him that I’d come to love and respect about him or disadvantage all the ways he has pleased me sexually?

We need to stop putting ourselves in boxes. Especially as gay men, irony in such stringent categorizations cannot be overemphasized. Not everything is simply black and white. As gay men, we are the very definition of how this simply isn’t so, how there are all sorts of shades and hues in between.

The life of a person shouldn’t be defined by the sex he has. Straight people make that mistake enough for the world; let us not compound it. Sex shouldn’t override emotional triumphs in gay relationships. Do not let shallow thoughts like this be the focal point for potential relationships.

If possible, let’s do away with the “what’s your role” question when getting acquainted with each other. When asked my role, I just tell the enquirer that I prefer dicks to cotton candy. That’s all. I may one day love ass as well…

Or not.

Relationships should be founded on more than how you specifically stand to get pleasured in bed. But in the case where these labels are important, they should not override every sensibility. One gay man’s Top can be another gay man’s Bottom. That is fact. The sooner we learn to deal with and appreciate all the ways we as individuals are the very quintessence of life’s diversities, the better for us as a community.

Written by Delle

Previous BEAUTIFUL SINNERS (Episode 10)
Next Botswana deports homophobic Pastor Steven Anderson

About author

You might also like

Our Stories 69 Comments

Why Settle for Sparks When You Can Have Fireworks?

There was a cold demeanor about him. You could feel it in the quiet and stuffy sitting room we were in. He sat a safe distance from me, as did

Our Stories 18 Comments


He’d been my best friend right from my second year in the university; four years later he’s that one guy that knows me just too well. Let’s call him Murphy.

Our Stories 9 Comments

People Always Leave

People always leave… I remember the words ever so clearly now from a TV show I watched a few years back. People always leave, she’d said. And I never really


  1. pete
    September 20, 07:21 Reply

    “The sooner we learn to deal with and appreciate all the ways we as individuals are the very quintessence of life’s diversities, the better for us as a community.”

    I did a double-take when I saw the author, but that line is gem

    • Pink Panther
      September 20, 07:34 Reply

      I said to myself when I was publishing this: If Pete doesn’t remark on the author, who will? 😀

  2. Dennis Macaulay
    September 20, 07:37 Reply

    This is why I am so grateful for KD, people are growing, learning and unlearning.

    Who would have thought that Delle would pen a piece like this?

    • Mandy
      September 20, 07:42 Reply

      I certainly wouldn’t have. Honestly.

      No offense, Delle, but you’ve always struck me as that bottom that would dump the top very fast when he hears he’s bottomed before. lol. I dunno how I got that impression. But this is really good. Very powerful essay on the top-bottom-versatile issue.

  3. Mandy
    September 20, 07:52 Reply

    To me, labels are important. People need to know the definition of what they’re getting into. Knowing who’s top and bottom and versatile is a good thing abeg. As long as it stays in the bedroom where it belongs. It becomes a bad thing when gay people start using the labels to define people in ways other than what they do during sex.
    Like the beauty once opined here on KD by our beloved star of yesteryears, when he said Tops don’t speak certain kinds of English, and bottoms shouldn’t have to buy lube and condoms for hookups.
    LMAO! Chai.

  4. McDuke
    September 20, 07:55 Reply

    This was exactly the discussion I was having with someone some days back and I was shocked to hear him say that for any gay relationship to be successful, one has to be submissive (bottom) and the other has to be dominant (top)…this is according to him ooo. He even went ahead to cite Elton John’s marriage saying Elton is the submissive one ie bottom…however he got know that, I can’t say.
    I don’t know who makes these rules and why they exist in the first place…I don’t know why two guys can’t be together and have amazing moments without bringing in role play…but like I always tell people who ask me the role question – “I go with the flow”…while some laugh it off, most times it ends with the education that as a gay man, you must either identify as T or B…????

    • Pink Panther
      September 20, 08:02 Reply

      Submissive and dominant. Next he’ll say a bottom’s place is in the kitchen. ????

      • Dennis Macaulay
        September 20, 08:16 Reply

        Yes oo! You must cook and wash boxers!

        Are you not an African bottom? Or you want to follow those oyibo men? My fren I want to eat bacon this morning, oya move

        • Pink Panther
          September 20, 08:17 Reply

          ?????? The THUNDA! The THUNDA! That will faya you, ees coming with condom and no lube!

    • Delle
      September 20, 11:15 Reply

      Azin, the things people say. I don’t know how being bottom equates being a maid. Or how being top automatically means you’re boss.
      Bottom, top, versatile…it ends on that mattress dressed with a white bedsheet embroidered with flowery patterns! Shikena.

  5. Kenny
    September 20, 08:01 Reply

    Delle??? Wow! Bless you for this. You made so much sense. ? ?

  6. Mandeville
    September 20, 08:23 Reply

    This also brings me to a different but quite similar notion about role and age. In my short time *sneezes* of gathering sexual experience, especially in the budding years, I came across several men who, while being self professed versatiles with cognate years of experience, would not have a younger man top them. And it got me thinking, what has that really got to do with anything? I understand that some of us young fellas treat the orifice like its just another hand but as the ‘more experienced’ partner, are you supposed to just lay there and take it? I’m pretty sure if our hands have a mind of their own, we for don chop enough slaps during our wanking sessions in the early days, possibly even now. Sex is about mutual pleasure and communication. Have we become like the Nigerian job market where all applicants must come with at least 5 years of experience? Na tif dem go tif the experience? Haba!!
    And to our young JJCs out there who are still finding their feet in the sexual realm, it’s not going to be your last supper; savour it, learn from it. Be willing to ask for what pleases your bottom if you’re topping and don’t take offence if he says you’re not doing it right. Bottoms shouldn’t be afraid of telling their tops what he’s doing wrong. It’s as much your pleasure as his. Whether it’s a ONS, NSA, FWB or LTR situation, there are things to learn. Like one of my professors was fond of saying, ‘you learn everyday, everywhere and anywhere’. Discover yourself and don’t be ruled by conjinus. This life is only one, enjoy to the maximum.

    • Pink Panther
      September 20, 08:29 Reply

      ‘Have we become like the Nigerian job market where all applicants must come with at least 5 years of experience?’

      ?????? My broda, the kweshun reach to ask. I remember when I once dated a 24-year-old briefly, and a friend of mine would call me a cougar with a sneer, as though he found our dating offensive. This ‘age is just a number’ slogan is not what some bottoms are here for, especially when the number is coming in a smaller denomination.

    • Mandeville
      September 20, 09:14 Reply

      It was a frustrating time for me in uni. No access to apps or sites of any sort at the time and the people you manage to snivel out have a sign that says ‘versatile. Tops only younger. Bottoms for only older’. People of same age go come do wetin?

    • Delle
      September 20, 11:01 Reply

      Ngwa Mandeville, coman explain these: NSA, ONS, LTR, FWB. Google isn’t helping biko

      • Mandeville
        September 20, 11:42 Reply

        Delle mmasiri, no vex jare.
        ONS: One night stand.
        NSA: No strings attached.
        FWB: Friend(s) with benefits.
        LTR: Long Term Relationship.

  7. Colossus
    September 20, 08:48 Reply

    OK, the name at the end of this article was quite a shocker, unexpected. Good one delle, I hope the new you is here to stay.

  8. Sinnex
    September 20, 08:56 Reply

    Nice one…

    The question is, why do people lie about their roles? You’d chat with someone today and he would tell you he is ‘pure’ top, then you’d meet someone who’d tell you that the same person bottomed for him…with proof.

    Although, there is more to homosexuality than our roles, but what happens when you fall in love with someone and when it comes to do the do, you find out you guys have the same role…Delle, if you fall in love with a bottom and do not mind, are you will to top your partner because you love him?

    Have you not heard of sexual compatibility? It even happens in straight relationships. I know some people who say they can’t do anything even if they see a juicy ass in front of them.

    The only issue I have is that some people think that bottoming is for a particular age set, I am tired of explaining to people that I have bottomed, and for younger guys at that. Some people even think that once you get to a particular age, you need to stop bottoming. That was how one older guy uploaded his picture on a group on Facebook, saying that he needed a guy to fuck him…you should see the way people berated him for being bottom at his age instead of him to look for a wife and fuck her. It was just disgusting. Mehn, the gay community needs a lot of education, the community outside KD is crude and barbaric.

    • Mandeville
      September 20, 09:09 Reply

      Internalised ‘bottoming’ homophobia is real. The truth is that it’s a vicious circle. Younger guys new on the scene are led to believe that they can only fuck their mates and it’s the kingly right of older guys to top them. Older guys believe at a certain age, the bujina closes its doors and younger guys are meant to take up the mantle to be fucked.

      • Absalom
        September 20, 10:22 Reply

        “…then you’d meet someone who’d tell you that the same person bottomed for him…with proof.” ?????????? Na real proof!

    • Delle
      September 20, 11:11 Reply

      “Although, there is more to homosexuality than our roles, but what happens when you fall in love with someone and when it comes to do the do, you find out you guys have the same role…Delle, if you fall in
      love with a bottom and do not mind, are you will to top your partner because you love him?”

      Now falling in LOVE with him is all that matters. That’s all that is needed to close the book of doubts on our relationship. The question should be: what kind of a rational being would I be to sever the relationship because of some penis dilemma? Who gets to penetrate who? It’s pertinent to note here (something I’m sure you already know anyway) that there are various forms of having mind-blowing sex that may not necessarily involve penile penetration. But if it comes down to NEEDING to be penetrated prolly bcos dicks cure illnesses, then what’s my 9-inch dick for? And if truly it’s love that binds us, he’d reciprocate. So yes Sinnex, I’d top him.
      *blows pink mic and exits stage*

  9. Dennis Macaulay
    September 20, 09:50 Reply

    Pure top

    Top quality top

    Straight acting top

    Power top

    Power bottom

    Pure bottom

    Bottom bottom

    *Inserts eye roll emoji*

    Ndi ala ???

  10. Delle
    September 20, 10:59 Reply

    Okay let’s all chill. Why the amazement and genuine exclamations? There’s no old Delle or new Delle. There’s just Delle. A Delle who isn’t afraid to voice his opinions no matter how they come across. I do not think just because I’ve had a few differing opinions from others makes me some kind of dumbskull. Or a terrible person like many here may think. I do not think I’ve made any outrightly horrendous statements, it just happens that some of you disagree with a few of them. Take them all out, trample on them, consequently resulting in a catfight cos well KD is known for that.

    I’d rather come out and say what I feel than hide in a comfy box of ignorance just because of some pseudonyms that may not agree with me. Taken, I may have made some myopic statements and KD has helped me move from them but I’m not going to transform to an omniscient all of as sudden because Colossus or Pete expects me to. Neither would I tuck in my true essence as Delle. There would be topics I won’t buy into, it’s what makes me an individual.
    But like DM said, I’m glad for Kd. Where I’ve learned and unlearned lots.

  11. Khaleesi
    September 20, 11:08 Reply

    Nice piece Delle, wow! The role divide is pretty stupid actually but you’ve got to understand where it comes from ; a culture that views masculinity as superior and femininity as weak and inferior which is why many heterosexual women are not too comfortable dating men who are of their age or even a few years younger … It’s all the product of a misogynistic society, Nigerian gays were brought up in this society, so a lot of the values rubbed off on them….

  12. Mitch
    September 20, 12:03 Reply

    Delle Delle, skinny pretty Delle!

    Now that’s the kid I know. Never lose him again

    • Delle
      September 20, 19:31 Reply

      Skinny?! Slim is more like it.
      And u never lost me, Mitch. U never did.

  13. IBK
    September 20, 12:16 Reply

    I have to disagree on roles not having to matter in a relationship. It matters a lot to me and I’m vers. Here’s the conundrum: I want my bf to switch to whatever role he isn’t (Used to) but he refuses whether cause he can’t or doesn’t want to. What do I then do to satisfy my desire especially if the relationship is closed? An unsatisfactory sex life is a silent killer. Sure if be willing to compromise but I’d rather just kill it early if I feel it’d be too much effort and the person won’t even meet me halfway

    • Delle
      September 20, 19:34 Reply

      Isn’t it a lot easier for forward-thinking versatiles such as you?

  14. keredim
    September 20, 13:52 Reply

    Wow. I too was surprised when I saw the author.

    But you know what? Times on KD are changing…. What with Dimpka like a neo-Nazi accepting the holocaust, accepted the existence of gay Christians last Sunday and now this today. What next? Chuck agreeing that MGM and cheating can be mutually exclusive?

    I found the post hilarious, because it highlights the fact that different gay communities around the world have their own role issues .

    In UK and mainland Europe (and maybe in parts of America where Black and White guys hook up) Black guys might complain that all they are expected to do is be the Top. What the white guys want to know is if you have a big dick. Mandingo things I guess. For some of us, its not a problem especially when it comes to casual sex.

    But for relationships, you should both know what your sexual roles are? (Which in 1816 the not knowing BEFORE embarking on a relationship would be the norm, not in 2016. I mean isn’t having sex part of the ‘courting’ process?)

    And when you embark on the relationship, you might want to switch things up from time to time. Have some variety. Spice things up switch roles…flip fuck….evolve. .Free your mind and your arse will follow…

    @Delle please the next time you take off your stilettos to throw at an MGM, please permit me to remind you of this:
    “The sooner we learn to deal with and appreciate all the ways we as individuals are the very QUINTESSENCE OF LIFE’S DIVERSITIES, the better for us as a community”

    Nice piece, I really enjoyed it.

    • Delle
      September 20, 21:45 Reply

      Pardon my french but are MGMs a part of the rainbow community?

      • keredim
        September 21, 04:55 Reply

        “MGM” = Married Gay Men (According to KD). “Gay” being the operative word here, I would assume they are part of the rainbow community. Whether they come out and march during pride (no one does that in Nigeria anyway) is highly unlikely as they are most likely to be in the closet.

        “Pardon my french” is an english expression used to excuse swearing or profanity. You did not swear (except you now consider “MGM” a swear word) so there was no need to use that expression.


        • Delle
          September 21, 08:52 Reply

          Thanks for the clarification, guess that’s why we have ‘experienced’ individuals like you in here.

          As for the MGMs, once you’re married to a woman, seeing as we do not encourage cheating and what have you, I wonder how the gay tag can still be associated with them. Let’s not confuse ourselves here, we all assume a straight marriage has changed a gay man’s sexuality, no?

          And if no, then isn’t that what we are against? See why MGMs are a dicey sect to handle?

          • Pink Panther
            September 21, 09:03 Reply

            Really, Delle! I was trying to stay away from this thread, but sometimes, seek understanding before you voice an opinion. Just cos a gay man is married suddenly disavows him from being regarded as LGBT? Are you serious? Even after the explanation keredim gave, you came back with this?

          • Pink Panther
            September 21, 09:05 Reply

            And MGMs are not a ‘dicey sect to handle’. What are they — a potential bomb we need a Bomb squad to work through?

          • keredim
            September 21, 09:39 Reply

            Thanks Delle, but any less “experienced” person here with two brain cells would have clarified things for you. (Infact they would consult Google if they had any doubt in the first place, before commenting …But hey, it is what it is.)

            I really cannot reconcile both your initial question and your reasoning that a “straight marriage has changed a gay man’s sexuality” to the write up you so articulately penned.

            WE are confused??? Really?!??!

            I think the question you need to ask yourself, is why you feel the need to segregate gay men who have chosen to get married to the opposite sex for whatever reason, from gay men who have not. This while in a hostile environment where the homophobe will not bother to make that distinction when (s)he is plummeting either one with rocks?

            And whether he cheats or not? What makes you the moral barometer by which to decide if he is classified as gay or not? Again I ask, will the homophobe want to know whether he cheats on his wife or not, when s/he they “necklace” him?

            This “MGM this MGM that” discord has really got to stop. Let us focus on the real issues…..Living and loving whoever you want to (of consenting age of course) without fear of persecution.

            • Delle
              September 21, 13:18 Reply

              Is this about the homophobe who doesn’t know the distinctions when about pummeling us or the fact that this is a gay man married to a woman? Something we as gay men are aware of. The ignorant homophobe shouldn’t always take center stage and in this context, our movement as a community and all, he’s quite insignificant.
              I don’t know how this isn’t an issue to you guys (clearly you are one, not like I care though) but it doesn’t sit well with me. Being gay and turning around to get married to a woman? How’s that for a live ironical situation. Living a lie for the rest of your life to what purpose? Waiting for that golden age of 60 when the eyes of the society isn’t on you anymore then you divorce her (which is the recent trend of events).
              Dragging a woman into your hive of lies. Now you talk about living your truth and what have you. But there’s no truth in a gay man getting married to a hot-blooded female. It’s all lies.

              There’s no rational reason for a gay man, with feeling and attachment for his own sex, to go into a straight marriage. Are you trying to nudge the younger ones into such confused situation? If everyone is ‘not seeing problems in this’, maybe we should all get married to women and pursue the cause.
              Agreed, we have better things to look to but supporting MGMs is a road I’m nt prepared to ply and I’m not sorry.

              Oh and as for the childish quip on my mistake, it’s pertinent to note here that I was sincerely grateful for the correction you gave but you just had to be petty (not like this surprises me though. I remember someone saying something about how age doesn’t equate maturity).

              • keredim
                September 21, 13:53 Reply

                It is about the NOW. The hostile environment we live in. The reality.

                Shouldn’t we learn to walk before we run? When we are able to create an environment where we can live and love freely, then we can start coaxing MGMs out of their marriages and dissuading gay men who want to get into straight ones.

                Also how people choose to live their lives is there own headache. I am not sure how it directly impacts you. They same way, you wouldn’t want others to tell you how to live yours. We should not dictate to them, suggest by all means, dictate I don’t think so.

                By constantly railing on MGMs and reminding them of the bad choices you think they have made, will not help the community or “cause” you so dream of. We are all in this shit together. We don’t all have to be visible (or appear visible) to make a difference. Some of us are working behind the scene and whether you like it or not a great number of us are MGM doing that work.

                Regarding the quip it was provoked…your sincerity did not come through from your “experience” jab….But its all good.

                And I am so bored with the “age/maturity” thing. (I will tell you why anon) ….Free your mind

              • Pink Panther
                September 21, 15:19 Reply

                And somehow you turned your post from one validity to an invalidity. How is it you preach for Tops and Bottoms to live and let others live, and somehow pick up your pitchfork to disembowel the MGM. It makes your stance on tolerance entirely half-assed.

                • Delle
                  September 21, 22:54 Reply

                  I remember saying this, PP, “There would be topics I
                  won’t buy into, it’s what makes me an individual.”

                  I’m sure u didn’t ‘not’ read that.

                  Keredim, not everyone is out for you…all the time. It was indeed a sincere one, the experience thing was more of a compliment on how I expect you’d be familiar with such expressions.
                  That’s all.
                  As for the MGM issue, I’m still not convinced. Your argument seems tired.

  15. Shuga chocolata
    September 20, 14:40 Reply

    Interesting, I always reduce my agewhen the question of age, role comes up within 3 messages and the charter blocks me??????.
    Thanks delle for this.

    • Delle
      September 20, 21:15 Reply

      You’re welcome, Shuga.

  16. eddie
    September 20, 21:19 Reply

    It’s not about roles per se…it’s about preference…I like them tall,red-blooded…man’s man…thats what I like and i’m not gonna apologize for it…provided he can get it up to stick it into me without asking me in the heat of the moment to “stick” him one…then i’m game

  17. Kennedy
    September 20, 21:21 Reply

    Mmmmmm. I don’t really know where to start but I have to start somewhere..
    To an extent, I am a new person in the house.. A friend of mine introduced this site to me more than a year ago.. I enjoyed the very trending topics… Actually, I expected to read about Kito stories as the name implies and I got a handful of them..

    I read many captivating stories which thought me many things; to be sagacious and meticulous with my dealings with people… My stay in the house was short-lived cause I lost my phone and became so disconnected. I knew that I was going to miss the stories that are the nitty-gritty.. Certainly I missed them.. I was far from home…. Rarely did I see a place where I could write as much as I can about my world without fair.

    Since my coming home in late August, I’ve been enjoying the various topics I see… I must say whoever or those that are in charge of this site are doing a wonderful job…

    Among the staggering topics, this very one I’m commenting on is most exciting.. Its peculiarity seats on the fact that I’ve been battling with it for a couple of years now… Of course!!! The story of my gay life is entangled in battling with the so-called Top-bottom-Versatile stereotype. I must commend the write, Delle for vociferously penning down in nuts and bolts of the things involved in the role stereotype. I actually read this with ease coupled with rolling my eyes and braiding my Brazilian. He is actually grammatically stable…just an epitome of a wonderful writer..

    Aha, I made mention of my story…but before that lemme introduce myself to the KD house: I am Kennedy, 22, an Ibo of Southeast Nigeria. I am a student. I enjoy reading, writing and singing a lot.

    Now, this is my story and my take on the topic:
    In the year 2005 when I turned 9, a tall and young guy in his late teens came home for Christmas. Before his coming home I didn’t know much about him other than he used to take care of me when I was too tender. My Aunty would tell me that he assisted a lot in giving me care as he would take me to Nursery school, feeds me and buy me things. I reasoned he must be a nice guy. We were neighbors before relocated. On one faithful morning my Aunty told me that my Dede had come back. I went with her to his house just adjacent to ours. Behold, there is him. Mysteriously, my mood changed. A feeling of ecstasy came into me, unbeknownst to me, as I stared at him. It remained a thing of mind-boggling to me till today why I would feel so rapturous on seeing someone I didn’t recognize. I went to bed that day thinking about him…wishing to myself a romance with him.

    It didn’t take time we became friends, I would go to his house to collect some Bombom and learn French as well. The bad romance sets in as soon as he first touched me and I felt relaxed. He stayed at home for 3years. We quarreled and reconciled over and over. I learned many things but there was no sex. It was indeed nostalgic for me.

    By this time, in 2007, I was just two. I began feeling cold as my lover had travelled back to Gabon leaving me to face my fears all alone. Yea. There was great fear in me because he didn’t only taught me gay act, he as well inculcated in me the consciousness to be extremely carefully so that I would not be caught in the act. I battled stopping this throughout my adolescence. I choosed to be a chaste; no go comes around and for guys….sorry they’ve always missed road, I didn’t like them.

    Just in 2009 when in my 14th year, a very dark-skinned and shining boy came to my place as a house helper. This time I am a year older than him and two classes ahead of him. At first I didn’t have feelings for him but it just started one day when I went to see him and felt his dick swinging in there. I touched it instantaneously and laughed……he just resisted me but I did it again till he would allow me to play with it…. Playing with dick was actually my favorite. Subsequent visits really favored me as he gets to enjoy it and gets hard on just seeing me.. 3 years later and counting (now 18), he started resisting me. He was passive straight so he said he was no longer enjoying the play we were having. He would complain that I was not a girl so what we were doing was not good. I decided to make him stay in the relationship by making him to fuck me. I didn’t see it as a big deal because I loved him and needed to keep him. Thanks to the fact that his dick was small when I started to take it. He didn’t want to penetrate me initially citing that the opening was too tight and I can’t take. I just convinced him to do it… Gently we tried it and It was not that hurting. It was after some night stand that he began to enjoy it fully and cum as a result. To my own side, I was feeling satisfied inasmuch it was hurting and I wasn’t cumming. At the same time I was not enjoying any smidgen thing right inside my ass. My joy was that I make him happy and fond of me. This remedy didn’t work perfectly, some times we part either because I got tired of going down or the Church dogmas would force us to decide not to continue. And each time we would come back and have fun.

    I and him stayed in this relationship characterized by hiatus until early 2012 just before I sat for WAEC. He became too stubborn making our interaction to be too sporadic. Plus I could no longer carry his dick cause it have grown bigger, still I can’t enjoy taking it.

    By this time I’ve made on a couple of friends on Facebook and 2go. I chatted with this very guy over 3years. He is cute, tall and in my age group. I had been asked about my role on 2go the day I went to gays’ room. The asker explained the role stuff when he learned I was too naive. He actually made the whole thing complex for me because I knew I couldn’t continue going down but don’t know how to summon courage to tell somebody to go down for me. He said playing verse was more acceptable since both parties will benefit. So I stuck to telling my friends that I was versatile. In 2013, I went to Town to see this guy I’ve developed great feelings for over the years. We’ve long agreed to play verse when me meet. My heart was filled with mixed feelings while going to see him. I just prepared my mind to just face my fears squarely. He gave me a worm welcome…the kisses and hugs were evergreen. . We played till I felt relaxed. I had to let him in first but he disappointed himself by having a too quick ejaculation. I couldn’t as for my turn to penetrate him as his mood changed. I just left, no much regret cause I loved him. We continued chatting and planning to meet again but all to no avail till this day.

    In November 2014, I met a guy on Facebook. I love his pictures but not too sure if I would love him in person. He said his role was bottom. I visited him but behold the guy was something else…..too bitchy. Sorry, I’m a gay (into guys) so bitchy guys looks like girls to me. I regretted meeting him. However, he gave me a chance to Top someone which I’ve ever thought how it could be. I learned he went down with all his heart. Thanks to the fact that it was dark in there so couldn’t notice his girly moves easily. I prepared my mind so that I won’t disappoint him. We played and I fucked him. My mind wasn’t actually there. Wasn’t feeling anything. But I was just damn hard and thrusting his juicy ass. I didn’t cum. I lasted for more than two hours until I got tired and slept off….

    Now, was bit relaxed that I have tasted both sides but was still disturbed cause I was yet to find my ground and which one to choose or to do the both. I tried two more bottoming at School in 2015 before I met this guy that turned me off. I so much love him that I freely went down to him. He became the most ingratitude I’ve ever seen by addressing me like I was a woman. He would call me a bitch and addresses as I and my other friends as sisters. Those words of his were aberrant and always come like a shattering slap to my face. I was too emotional so I began to develop ill-feelins towards going down. I asked myself why I was even going down since I was never enjoying it…just doing it to make those that I cherish happy. Again, how to be a better Top was difficult until I luckily met the guy that changed me. From the same school.. Older but with smaller body.. Three years ahead of me. We agreed to play versatile but upon meeting I topped him. I lasted though but it was much easier. I reached the orgasm and it was awesome to have my first cumshot on a guy. He’s really cute and truly the type I love.. I was the one doing the penetration in my subsequent visits but he one day wanted to fuck me…. I allowed him.. But all of me turned against me within few thrust… I felt extremely horrible.. Couldn’t hold the hurting and was not emotional stable since I got hurt by the remarks with the former guy… Thanks again…this guy understood me though was not easy for me to talk sense into him… He remains my friend till now and I’ve met many guys since then but I’ve been the one topping them…

    I’ve never denied to them that I have gone down before. I always explain to them and gladly they all understood although were almost versatiles. 90% of the guys I have topped so far are much older than me. I must say it’s the love the have for me that have made them to go flat down without minding my age or sticking to versatile… But the truth from my heart is that I have developed a heart of stone pertaining to bottoming. Its astonishing even to me… Its now my pride. I must say I feel better and much different now than when I was doing the bottoming. Towards the end of my bottom journey I began to feel belittled by the guys that fuck me. They would handle you carelessly even when you are complaining it’s hurt. They rarely believed me when I say I was not enjoying going down. Most of them, especially the guy that calls me bitch, says I was pure bottom. I hate being termed inferior by any means and its absurd to be addressed like a woman no matter what. I feel better now. A feeling of a master of what I do. And I believe most tops feel having upper hand or being advantaged over the bottoms

    … I now leave the stage….
    One love. I love KD. I love you all…

    • Delle
      September 20, 21:53 Reply

      I pray you remain on KD Ken, you’d learn LOTS.

    • Pink Panther
      September 21, 05:48 Reply

      Quite the journey you took us through, Kennedy. We would like to read more of your stories. Do kindly reach out via email on 🙂

  18. eddie
    September 20, 21:23 Reply

    Me being bottom and all…

  19. Kennedy
    September 20, 22:02 Reply

    Please, I apologize for my myraids of blunders both in the form of typo and the severe ones.. My battery was down so had to publish it withiout editing. I promise to be scrupulous next time I write.. ..

  20. Rohan
    September 20, 23:02 Reply

    Honestly this is something that I fail to comprehend. This top buttom phenomenal (leaving the verse aside). It has been socially constructed that buttoms are entitled or given the feminine position in the relationship. Which comes to the key question, please why would gay relationships be subjected to gender categorization (male and female) This is a poisonous mentality that has eaten deep into the community. And to crown it all, buttoms have magnified this trend further consolidating its existence. Am top and trust me when I meet someone and have a conversation and they bring up ” what’s your role” trust me it’s a straight disconnection. For me it reveals great level of superficiality in education and gay education. (In cases I continue, trust me is with a very clear eyes and with a very cold heart)

  21. pankar
    September 21, 09:58 Reply

    You see, sex is everything and the way you have/ like your sex matters a lot. Truncate the idea that top – bottom ideology will be removed ever from same sex relationships. It is prevalent and will always be. What experienced and mature gay people do is they are quite silent on the issue where it doesn’t matter but it can’t be eroded where it matters. There’s a top, there’s a bottom. The top wants a bottom, the bottom wants a top. Then theres a versatile and that’s the way it is. My gf doesn’t ‘sweat’ and O! except I’m ravishing atop her, I can’t ‘sweat’ until she’s doing whatever beneath me – you may not get it but that’s it, the game of sex’ a place where you express the real and most private you. I like the closing line to the well constructed essay above and I think its saying “there is and will ever be those who live to Top and those who lives to bottom”

  22. Kennedy
    September 21, 15:53 Reply

    Sorry guys, it’s been typical of me to talk about myself..
    I would like to tell us another part of my story… By the time I must have found myself to be a better Top and be able to perform better in bed, I faced another challenge. It encompasses talking sense into my friends; convincing them that I am ‘Strict Top’. That was necessary cause most of them play verse and would always ask me to also go down for them.

    I faced a greater challenge which emanated from being accused of ‘Fake Top’. My past really came to hunt me… Some friends would accused me of doing ‘selective bottom’ in that I only bottom for guys that give me money or apparently older men. Some of them ask their friends to enquire about my role, some even promise to gimme money if I would just go down. All they say is that I play down secretely to some people but would lie to them; just cheating on them.

    The was really a battle. Some friends hardly believe even when you swear. I sometimes open my chat with people for them to see. Actually, I’ve been able to quench the rumor as many of them have learned the truth about me. Why wouldn’t they… After all. I tell them my story. I’ve never lied to anybody that I haven’t gone down before.

    This very battle hardened me the more towards thinking of considering versatile. My switch to Top is like an irreversable reaction. The Top-bottom-verse stereotype influenced me so much since people classify the bottom guys as women and the tops as women. Categoritically, I wouldn’t want to be addressed as a woman even for a second. That’s been my fear. I am emotionally turn off by girly remarks….bitch, lady, madam, aunty, sister, MachoMary, etc.

    I must say also that I hate when some gay guys agree with such name callings.. Some call themselved sisters, sugar mummies, etc. That’s good for them anyway.

    I address my friends with the normal guys’ remarks. I love straight-acting guys. I detest too bitchy ones….throwing wig and slicing words like a complete woman..

    • Delle
      September 21, 22:57 Reply

      I was beginning to like you, Kennedy. Hmm, smh.

      Like I said, make sure to stick around cos you have LOTS to learn. I can’t even begin to grace this whole thing you’ve written with a response.
      Take care of you, ‘baby girl’.

    • KingBey
      September 23, 01:51 Reply

      The name tags and callings are just for fun I think. Don’t you think Buhari is doing enough damage for some girls oops guys not to let their hair down.

  23. Kennedy
    September 22, 09:44 Reply

    Delle, I will always be around…. Can’t afford to stop learning and having my take in the topics to come… I’m here to stay. Happy to meet you guys here.

  24. Haven
    September 23, 21:25 Reply

    Having read this, I only agree with the fact that:
    1) Relationships shouldn’t be defined by “roles”
    But then , it is not particular to gays..even in d heterosexual kingdom, the women who receive the digging are viewed as d weak ones..A man hardly keeps a relationship with a girl he cannot dig…even if d girls promises romance..he won’t be satisfied…dunno really know about vice-versa
    In essence, we can’t change nature… The bottoms(whether real or fake) are viewed as d women in the relationship.

    2) On another account, two guys who decide to be together can try being versatile…or better still communicate and set things straight. So that they can both enjoy digging and being dug…

    • Pink Panther
      September 24, 07:19 Reply

      Bottoms are MEN not WOMEN, and should not be viewed as what they’re not. You’re essentially saying what this post is preaching against — letting your role define yourself outside the bedroom. What sort of bunkum are you even saying? Viewed as the women in the relationship? I mean, Honestly!

    • EmperorZed
      September 26, 20:43 Reply

      “”The bottoms (whether real or fake ) are viewed as d women in the relationship.”” Are u for real? I dont like this line at all. Relationship is about two people who decide to make things work between themselves. The fact that some bottoms are totally submissive doesn’t make ur assertion a fact. I have a boyfriend whom i respect and cherish alot. He’s bottom and he is more manly and focused than any guy I have met. TOPS and BOTTOMS are all men. Whenever we meet any guy, whether top or bottom, accord him that dignity as a REAL MAN!!!

    • Haven
      September 26, 22:40 Reply

      Seems you misunderstood me. I cannot be saying “Relationships shouldn’t be defined by roles” and “The bottoms(whether real or fake) are viewed as d women in the relationship”…I will be contradicting myself.
      This second phrase above was used to show why most people define relationship by roles and their inability to understand homosexuality.

Leave a Reply