I was pretty excited for this year’s Valentine; y’all know what happened last year.  For the first time in my life, I actually have a Valentine – who likes me and isn’t playing me. So yeah, I’m pretty fucking happy.

So my girlfriend and I spent Valentine’s Day together. Yes, you read that right. Ife of House Pervy has finally sold her market. Praise the Lord!

We met right here on Kito Diaries. KD be bringing people together since 1824. I was on my own jejely selling my market, hawking my wares on the internet on a slow 2G network, when my phone did ping-ping (in a razz manner). I sharply brought it out of my pocket as I was frying dodo. Mans kent allow any sort of distraction. I like to be popping melanin not hot oil.

Alert from Gmail.

I swore for them quick-quick. Oloshi trying to bleach me and they dinnor even buy me Bobrisky’s cream. Mscheew! I sha finished frying my plantain and left the kitchen. Later in bed, I discovered that I had a new comment on my post. It was from a female. It alerted my flirt antenna. I quickly went there and saw a message that I, Ife of House Pervy, Khaleesi of all flirting lands, could not resist.

Cici said: “Ehm, can I tell you my selling points in private? I’m shy.”

How can a whole me resist a shy woman? Immediately, I offered her the option of twitter and she dropped her handle. Right there o! She dinnor even give Pinky to give me. You know me, there was no way I could resist the urge to slide right into that DM that seemed to be wet – sorry, waiting for me. I did so accordingly, and thereupon, made the acquaintance of this lovely, funny woman.

From there, I gave her my phone number and she gave me a phone call. She enticed me with her voice and her mind. We set a time for a pre-date (this was to make sure that there was also a physical connection), because we all know that I’m not so popping. We met up and, my goodness, she was beautiful. I turned on my ‘I’m the sexiest, you have to trip for me’ AC on full blast. She had to feel it o. Watching her walk was a pleasure that I thoroughly enjoyed.

We went to see The Wedding Party, and there was some… tension.  We kept telling each other to focus on the movie but I couldn’t stop my eyes from looking into hers and my lips from reaching for hers. I was ridiculously helpless in that cinema and I succumbed to her wonderful kisses and giggles of delight.

My lover is amazing. Honestly.


Now, from what I have been reading, most of y’all had really boring Valentine’s Day. (*laughs in no-longer-single*) This is how my Valentine’s Day went down.

I got to school at 8:15 am and began looking for the venue of my FSC 103 class. Along the way, I ran into a coursemate, who joined me on the long walk from Faculty of Education to DLI. On our way there, my best friend’s hot sister almost ran me over with her car. She was late for something I later found out.  On our long walk to class, we discussed our hot lecturer (she’ll come up in a future episode) and her upcoming test.

Skip, skip, skip all the boring gist to the end of my class, when Cici called me. Cici is bae. Bae is Cici.

Following our conversation, I left the premises of UNILAG and headed to the Dominos in Yaba. I was doing a mental calculation of my money as I walked in; I kent afford to be embarrassed. I was in the line waiting to order when I noticed this particular guy on the line. My guy dey sweat for inside AC. I observed him some more. His eyes kept flitting between the line and a table with three girls.

One of the girls got up and sauntered over to him.

“Baby, the girls and I want to get some ice cream,” she cooed.

The brother sighed and gave her some cash.

What I deduced from the phone call he subsequently had was that he jejely wanted to take his babe out as per romantic chills, and his babe now brought her friends.  Poor guy! Oh well, what was my own? Shebi, Bae and I were going to do home alone chills, I thought to myself.

I ordered my pizza and went to buy ice cream from Cold Stone, just for me to hear some yeye prices. Omo, I smiled brightly at the lady and went back downstairs to wait for my pizza. In this Buhari economy, she wants to stunt on my wallet. She must be mad.

I collected my pizza and entered a yellow cab to Oshodi. I priced the cab o. The guy wanted to maga me because he saw me holding pizza. Mscheww! I told him I would just get down and order a Uber. That changed his behavior completely. Eventually, I arrived safely in front of Bae’s house.

I hung my laptop bag on her gate, sexily held the pizza, and then brought out my phone to call her. All she had to do was come out and meet me looking sexy, right?  Well, Airtel decided to fuck me up. No service. I now really had to start banging the gate for her to come out. She came out and I rushed in, leaving sexiness behind. The sun had dealt with me in the ten minutes I’d been waiting.

As we strolled towards the house, the first thing I saw in the compound was a not-so shabby looking guy relaxing in a lounge chair. Immediately my smile turned plastic and I turned to her. She smiled sheepishly back.

“Oh babe, this is my brother,” she murmured to me.

He greeted me and I returned his greeting. We entered the house and I began to pull her close for a kiss. Her response was, “No babe, my brother is inside.”

In my desire to kiss my woman, I could not fully comprehend what she was saying. “But he is downstairs.”

“Not that one, the other one,” she answered.

Mo daran! Of all days for her two brothers to stay home, they decided to stay in on Val’s Day! A whole Valentine’s Day! Ah-an! Didn’t they have girlfriends to see, books to read, schools to attend, NYSC to serve? The height of wickedness sha!

As if that wasn’t bad enough, I had to share my pizza with them! Cry with me please.

As much as I tried, I could not get angry. I was with Cici and she was happy and her happiness is mine. We sat as close as possible as we could without looking like a couple and began to watch Lion King. Lion King has a lot of emotional significance for me, so I was glad I could watch it with her. The laptop volume, however, wasn’t feeling so romantic, so we could barely hear anything. We eventually swapped Lion King for Big Brother Naija.

We took selfies of us kissing – yunno, like all those cute oyibo couples. We also tweeted at each other and had tickling matches. Honestly, we didn’t do anything major, but every second of that day was special because I was with her. Troye Sivan was right when he said, “You don’t have to say I love you to say I love you.”


Anyway, that’s how Valentine went down. Cici, if I left anything out, feel free to add in the comment box.

P.S: Guys, I’m sorry for disappearing. School is stressful.

P.P.S: Why do UNILAG students expect everyone to know everywhere in the school and the names?

P.P.P.S: My one-month anniversary with Cici was on the twenty-first.

P.P.P.P.S: I have new friends and a hot lecturer.

Written by #iAmNotAPerv


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  1. ambivalentone
    February 22, 08:29 Reply

    better to share a pizza with bae’s bros than share a broken heart designed cake with family, don’t u think?

    • iAmNotAPerv
      February 22, 13:26 Reply

      Lool, this is very true o. And bae’s brothers were pretty chilled

  2. Delle
    February 22, 09:11 Reply

    I know who bae is ooo! *jumping excitedly*

    Aww Ife. You aff liff me in the single world abi? ?

    • iAmNotAPerv
      February 22, 13:33 Reply

      You know bae? Comman gist me. I’m sorry for leaving you. It’s not an intentional something.

    • Cici
      February 22, 16:56 Reply

      Hmm, you know bae? Interesting.

  3. WhoIsUgo
    February 22, 13:35 Reply

    Who is this hot Lecturer you speak of?

    • iAmNotAPerv
      February 22, 17:19 Reply

      Lmao that’s where they will find you. She’s in Faculty of Arts. Very peng somebody

  4. Zemocrush
    February 22, 14:54 Reply

    My favorite female writer of all time on KD. You’re just too much! Ife. And there I was thinking you don’t get to meet ppu here, and you found love here on KD, sweet one. You thrill me with your style, it’s just undiluted all the time. Thumbs up

    • iAmNotAPerv
      February 22, 17:33 Reply

      See whining o! You find the strangest things in the strangest places. KD is a master venue for matching people. Don’t carry last 😀 thank you very much for taking your time to read and for your lovely compliments.
      Cici, will you come out and say thank you?

      • Zemocrush
        February 22, 18:57 Reply

        I’m not whining o, your modesty sef, well, about finding strangest things in the strangest places, you try o, you know with all the shades and drama, you’d think people don’t get along really. Enjoy your relationship dear

        • iAmNotAPerv
          February 23, 04:52 Reply

          Thanks I will, the shading. Is all in good fun

  5. Cici
    February 22, 17:01 Reply

    Sweetheart, I think you pretty much summed everything up perfectly. :))

    • iAmNotAPerv
      February 22, 18:54 Reply

      Ghen ghen ‘sweetheart’ my babe gats let you all know she’s the one. 😀

  6. Sinnex
    February 22, 18:35 Reply

    Nice one. So KD is not only for gossips and fights.

    I hope you both last long.

    • iAmNotAPerv
      February 22, 19:04 Reply

      Ami ami ami ni oruko jesu! Amen! Lol, Sinnex, good does come out of KD

  7. Bain
    February 22, 20:22 Reply

    How much is the aso ebi?…when is the wedding??

    cuz the way I’m seeing this story,next up will be, ‘and we lived happily ever after!’.

    • iAmNotAPerv
      February 23, 07:12 Reply

      Lmaoo. You KDians bust my brain. Cici and I have to agree on price for the aso-ebi but. You can be sure that it will be sold in Dollars. 🙂
      I doubt there’s any happy ending in Nigeria but we pray for the best. Love grows in the toughest and wildest and weirdest of places

      • Bain
        February 23, 20:37 Reply

        dollars kor kobo ni…I wish you both the best.

  8. Chandler B.
    February 23, 21:32 Reply

    I saw ‘Troye Sivan’ and I smiled a smile from depths of me. Now I know why I’ve not been feeling mentally/emotionally stable for a while now: I haven’t listened to Sivan. ?. Thanks for reminding me of him.

    And congrats to you and Cici. I hope it stands the test of time. Your writing sha is lit!

    • Jide
      February 24, 16:11 Reply

      I listen to Sivan everyday. Never gets old.

    • iAmNotAPerv
      March 04, 22:53 Reply

      thank you very much. He is quite good, isn’t he?

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