Let me tell you about Simi now. Simi was the first girl to break my heart. I can’t even make up a pseudonym for her, that’s how much she hurt me.

Oyesimisola is her name. She is as beautiful as a light summer rain in London. But she was no Diana. She was the first person I liked after I came out to the public. Here’s the story.

I graduated from secondary school in 2015. A lot of schools were planning after-parties. I am a good party hyper, as my set boys know, so they put me in a couple of party group chats. I met Simi in one. I had just come out as bisexual to my set. They took it well enough, seeing as everyone already knew I was in love with Diana. A couple of them decided to help me get some pussy, which was why I was added to the group where I met Simi. Such nice friends, yeah?

So I met Simi and we got talking; I found out that she lived close to me. We discussed a million and one things and then I set a day to go see her, to meet her in person. That happened and I started liking her after that.

We kept texting and seeing each other, and then I told her I liked her and she said she liked me too. We kept texting and seeing each other, and then I asked her out and she said no, that she didn’t do relationships, but perhaps later in the future, but for now, let us just be us. Idiot me couldn’t get the hint; I kept buying her snacks, waiting for her to finish her diploma classes in Unilag so that we could go home together, paying for her transport.

Now, I must remind you that I am a gentle woman, so I didn’t try anything untoward with her. I just kissed the top of her head when she was about to retire to her house and let her kiss my cheek.

There came the day I wanted to kiss her. The sun had just set and my compound was dark and empty with the moon behind my house.

“Can I kiss you? Please?” I asked, with my mouth hovering just above hers, ready to swoop in once permission was given.

She said no, nicely. When she got home, she texted me, saying I should have just done it without asking her. Oh well, opportunity came and went.

We got closer and really began to catch feelings for each other, and her friends got used to seeing me with her; we were always together. I made a friend around that time; his name is Remi. He was cool and we used to flirt with each other and make out sometimes. I told him about Simi and then I took him to meet her. He liked her, and then he joked that he could have her. I was triggered. I said he couldn’t, and then it ended up in a bet on if he could take her from me.

Stupid? Yes, I know. But here’s the thing. I get triggered when someone attempts to possess what is mine or what I have invested in. And when I’m triggered, I do stupid things; it’s like my brain shuts down.

So Remi and I went to see Simi a day before Valentine’s Day. He was flirting with her and she was flirting back. I was jealous and regretful. I should have never given him permission to pursue her. I sat back while they talked and The Weeknd sang. I thought of the plans I had made for Valentine’s Day with Simi. A cake was to be delivered to my house, a dozen roses which had cost me 24,000 naira would be delivered to her house with chocolates, and then we would do dinner at Café Royale.

When she stepped out of the sitting room, Remi wanted to pop a pill. I told him not to, because Simi had a big problem with people who smoke weed and pop pills. She’s very pastoral about it. We were arguing about it when Simi came back in. She wanted to know what we were talking about. I didn’t want to spoil a nigga’s ministry, so I refrained from telling her about the pills.

Well, fuck me very much for being nice. She got pissed, said some things, and I decided to leave. As I was about to leave, she said something that stopped me short. She told me she didn’t like me anymore. I thought she was kidding, and so I asked if she was sure, and with the nastiest expression, she snarled, “I don’t love you. I lied. I don’t even like you. I never liked you.”


I used to think I didn’t have a heart after Diana. But chai! When Simi said those words and I felt the pain in my chest, I knew my heart was breaking.

I managed to get home…eventually. And then I set about saving myself from a Valentine mess. I canceled my order on the flowers; I had to paid cancelation fee, but I got 20k out of the 24 back. I also canceled my reservation with Café Royale; luckily, they had someone who picked up my table immediately, so I didn’t pay for that. I forgot to cancel the order for the cake, so Sunday afternoon saw me opening the gate to a happy-looking couple who delivered my cake to me, congratulating me on my young love. I swore for their destinies in my head while I smiled at them. My family and I ate the cake and I cried myself to sleep that night and other nights for a week.

Then my friend gave me a strip tease and I cried no more.


For this episode o! lol


P.S: Iliana’s voice is amaaazzzinggg.

P.P.S: Picture of the Val’s day cake: I drew the line myself. Nice, init? 😀 cake

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  1. Mandy
    November 30, 06:48 Reply

    The difference between a 17-year-old girl who likes a girl and a 17-year-old boy who likes a boy: the girl has an expensive Val’s day set up for her love interest; the boy is waiting for an expensive Val’s day to be set up for him. lol

    • iAmNotAPerv
      November 30, 09:08 Reply

      I’m rather pro active. It was Val’s day and i was in love. The romantic in me couldn’t be stopped. 😀 Thank you for reading

    • Mitch
      November 30, 09:45 Reply

      This is the truth!

      Which is why I don’t blame people who say dating students is carrying liability on ya head.

      • iAmNotAPerv
        November 30, 14:20 Reply

        I’m very easy to date. Ask my ex boyfriends. I don’t ask for hair money, credit money. I don’t call too much, i don’t mind you checking out another girl (cos i’ll be checking her out too) I pray for you, give good head (J/K i give great head lol 🙂 ) and hold sensible conversations on anything with you.
        Lmaoo see me selling my market to gay men. Oh well, if you have a straight brother that is hot and intelligent, like really really intelligent hmu 😀

  2. ambivalentone
    November 30, 07:04 Reply

    Wait, you did WHAT??? Biko, na international international school u go?
    Anyway, lemme go back to the story

    • ambivalentone
      November 30, 07:11 Reply

      Bwahahahaha Ode ni girl yi sha. Was this line drawn BEFORE u n ur folks shared the cake or was it AFTER? ???

      • iAmNotAPerv
        November 30, 09:12 Reply

        I drew it just before they shared the cake. i said i wanted to divide the cake into two lol

    • iAmNotAPerv
      November 30, 09:10 Reply

      Did i allocate too much money for Val’s day? I did go to an international school. 😀

      • ambivalentone
        November 30, 09:37 Reply

        Oh no, not that. Spend all u like. Whars mai own? The part that shocked me is the part where u posted on a public fora of ur school mates u are bisexual. Haaaaaa!!! Biko, I will just wear my gold-plated fibre-netting hangman noose jeje

        • iAmNotAPerv
          November 30, 13:37 Reply

          We are tight in my set. A big family really. They saw that my sexuality didn’t affect how i acted so most of them accepted it. the rest ignored it.

  3. Iliana
    November 30, 08:09 Reply

    Awww @IAMNOTAPERV I love ur sense of humor sweetie ?.she really loves my voice *dancing *

    • iAmNotAPerv
      November 30, 09:14 Reply

      I really do. I would call you everyday except i get nervous and never know what to say. i just start smiling at my phone and muttering in french. 🙂

    • iAmNotAPerv
      November 30, 09:19 Reply

      A lot of my friends say that but i’m over it. We are actually pretty good friends now. I’m nice to all my exes and technical exes. people like Simi are technical exes or otherwise known as Situationship exes. My last girlfriend said i’m an awesome ex. a good thing i suppose? oh well thanks for reading Eddie.
      P.S: Are you Eddie from LASITC? 🙂

  4. Delle
    November 30, 09:29 Reply

    IAmNotAPerv, all I want to tell you now is this, “on the 14th February, 2017, I would be your val date so no need to go hustling for anyone, you hear me?!”
    Oh and it’s not because of the cake or the cafe royale or the 24k worth of flowers o. Not that at all????.

    On another note, I’d like to collect your email address from PP, you and I have some things to talk about???

    • iAmNotAPerv
      November 30, 09:36 Reply

      Awwn, thank you. Just so you know, I’m pretty broke right now so i don’t know how Val’s day might be. Maybe a movie and ice cream? Oh and music. 🙂 I love music
      Sure go ahead. Daddy Panther will provide it as soon as you ask, he’s nice like that 😀

  5. WhoIsUgo
    November 30, 09:39 Reply

    I have encountered my fair share of girls like Simi. Thankfully all that heartbreak hasn’t turned me to a monster. @iamnotaperv, how can I talk to you?

    • iAmNotAPerv
      November 30, 13:41 Reply

      My heart heals faster than Wolverine’s. I mean all the broken hearts in the world still beat, let’s not make it harder than it seems. Just ask Mr. Panther for my email

  6. Mitch
    November 30, 09:49 Reply

    This girl is just a character!

    Ife, you wee nor kee me

    • iAmNotAPerv
      November 30, 13:50 Reply

      You wee not die lmao. Mitch, you always make me smile. What do you think of Simi?

  7. Chyki
    November 30, 13:18 Reply

    I can totally relate with this. I was heart broken wen my ex left me.
    P.s I really love this series. How do I get a story across to pp?

    • iAmNotAPerv
      November 30, 14:07 Reply

      Thank you very much Chyki. You just essentially said you love my life lol I think you email him

  8. Chyki
    November 30, 13:18 Reply

    I can totally relate with this. I was heart broken wen my ex left me.
    P.s I really love this series. How do I get a story across to pp?

  9. Jide
    November 30, 13:48 Reply

    hee hee. This girl is adorable. I’m reading the posts and your reply to comments in my head (with a voice i imagine would sound like yours), and I’m just smiling sentimentally.

    • iAmNotAPerv
      November 30, 14:13 Reply

      I wonder how my voice sounds in your imagination 🙂 sexy, yeah? I love sentimental smiling, now you’ve got me smiling. 😀 Thanks for reading Jide. You’re awesome

    November 30, 17:54 Reply

    I would have said I never had an ex but my boyfriend broke up with me few hours ago! I don’t even know if I am heartbroken or not. Nice use of words IAmNotPerv… I would be on the line of those that would get your email fro. uncle pinky

    • iAmNotAPerv
      November 30, 20:11 Reply

      I’m so sorry about that Indigene. Break up sucks whether you are heartbroken or not. Go drink caprisonne and watch the ‘Sausage Party’ you’ll feel better. Much love b

    November 30, 20:27 Reply

    Thanks sweetie… pinky do check your mail please…

    November 30, 20:28 Reply

    Thanks sweetie… i would do just that.

    pinky do check your mail please…

  13. Bain
    December 01, 13:00 Reply

    I know how to handle this simi type….Ife r you single?…mhmm (clears throat)…em I meant can I take you out?…

    • iAmNotAPerv
      December 03, 01:30 Reply

      I’m single and illegal! Let’s have lunch sometime ?? how would you handle Simi ?

      • Bain
        December 03, 07:22 Reply

        I’ll tell you…lets contact each other.

      • KikiOpe
        December 17, 05:52 Reply

        Lol. Girl, I love your wittiness, and sentiments. What a smart ass! You are for your age and this story is just amazing. The comments (and your replies) nko? I think I “like, like, like” You already, lol…no biggie (I hope). Did I mention I like your sarcasm? Well, I do.

        • iAmNotAPerv
          December 17, 21:32 Reply

          All deez for me? You’re busting my brain Kikiope. I’m sarcastic? I loved to be liked. I love the comments 😀 Y’all give me life with them. Thanks for reading sweetheart 🙂

          • KikiOpe
            December 18, 13:51 Reply

            You deserve it hon, and yes You are. We should *whispers* hang out sometime(s), and maybe come up with a story collaboration. 😀 Ehnehn, how do I post a story here? Help(s) please.

            • iAmNotAPerv
              December 18, 19:58 Reply

              Thanks 😀 Lol i’m just a tweeny lil bit sarcastic. We should, shouldn’t we? I would love to. You email Daddy Pinky with your post and he decides if you are worthy of KD 🙂

              • KikiOpe
                December 19, 14:24 Reply

                Lol. Daddy pinky should just gimme your contact(s) already, need to get in touch ASAP. And yes (just so Know), I’m not a writer o, so if/when we decide to work on that story collaboration You’d better be ready for some “behind the pen & paper” actions. But I’ll also support your ideas and do the typing (if it’s allowed). I’m not completely useless.

                • iAmNotAPerv
                  December 19, 22:25 Reply

                  Lol, i kinda like to type my own stuff by myself because a lot of people type too slow for me. 🙂 It’s alright that you are not a writer.

                  • KikiOpe
                    December 19, 23:14 Reply

                    Maawo babe yi sha, kukuma say I’m useless na.

  14. arinze
    December 02, 11:58 Reply

    I am a virgin till after ss3….. that 16 yrs old then..

  15. […] was pretty excited for this year’s Valentine; y’all know what happened last year.  For the first time in my life, I actually have a Valentine – who likes me and isn’t playing […]

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