Once upon a time in my life, even though I was a man sleeping with men, I maintained heterosexual relationships because I believed I’d one day get married to a woman. At that point in my life, I never took any relationship with a guy serious because there didn’t seem to be any future there.

But everything changed when I ran into my ex, Gordon (not real name of course). We hadn’t seen each other in years, even though I’d heard through the grapevine that he was married with kids and had a reputable status in the legal profession.

So we ran into each other. I’d come to visit and he was around for a legal summit. We were only too happy to catch up after so many years apart. And as we cuddled in his hotel room, he suddenly began to cry. Sobs wracked through his body uncontrollably.

This was very surprising to me. The automatic emotional switch was startling. Suspecting that this was something he needed to get out, I waited until his grief had abated a bit before asking him what the problem was.

And his response struck a reality chord in me.

“John, I’m lonely. I’m so lonely. I need someone to love and call my own,” he choked out.

This was a man who had bowed to the pressure to get married and live a respectable life admitting to the one thing every gay man fears: loneliness.

In the aftermath of that incident (which happened in 2003), I began to question the authenticity of my happiness. I began to question my reality and what it would cost me to be truly happy. The insatiable satisfaction of getting down with whoever whenever began to fill me with a great dread.

“Is this what I want in the long run?” I asked myself.

Life suddenly became more than just having a wife, some kids and/or an endless throng of male lovers.

I subconsciously decided to dare to live a life I can love.

And a few nights ago, after over 10 years of not communicating with Gordon, we found each other again. He had aged gracefully; still had his smiling eyes and husky voice. But his story of loneliness hadn’t changed.

However, this time, he’d made up his mind to leave his wife and kids as well as his very thriving profession to seek asylum.

And he’s not the only one I know who’s making drastic decisions to seek happiness. A few weeks ago, a friend of mine succeeded in relocating his entire family to the UK and spent over £500,000 to do so. All just so he could have his own space and life.

I am currently a 35-year-old man with peers, most of whom (both gay and straight) are married or getting married to females and raising families. But in as much as I get agitated sometimes and a bit too conscious of other people’s (especially my gay peers) decisions to start families, I remind myself that happiness sought for down that route comes at a high price and only the few are brave enough to pay it.

And I am among the few.

Written by John Alex

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  1. Gad
    February 01, 07:25 Reply

    The world will be a much happier place when people grow to the maturity of living their truths and refrain from living lives of lies just to please people or get validation. Everyone must not get married. Everyone must not even engage in sex. Some straight men don’t feel inclined to marry and they live a beautiful life without marriage. Why then should a gay man get married to please people and later abandon his wife and kids in the name of seeking happiness? What happens to responsibility? Yes, we have to face the consequences of our actions and not put innocent children through pain just because we need happiness.
    If a bisexual man feels led to marry he should by all means do so for his sake and not for society or church

  2. quinn
    February 01, 09:38 Reply

    Live your truth!. Honestly, this situation is very messy, unhappy and lonely man, clueless (and probably sad wife), innocent children about to get involved in all this, We should learn to be honest with ourselves always…

  3. Black Dynasty
    February 01, 11:36 Reply

    Good, probably one of the more challenging decisions a gay Nigerian had to face. Hopefully more people get brave enough to own their truth and live it, despite the high price.

    The alternative may seem cheaper, more convenient at the time… but the down the road, the truth always always comes out.

  4. Malik
    February 01, 12:42 Reply

    This happiness thing – whatever it is – I need to find it.

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