To All The Boys I’ve Loved (Entry 2)
Dear Enem,
I miss you every time I think about you.
I still admire the way you beat the fear in your eyes when you had to talk to me that day at the wedding reception, even when you weren’t sure if I would be attracted to you. You know, I always tell Sean he’s the reason I’m single – because I’m pretty sure that the way he and I looked like a couple at our table that day must have contributed to the nerves you felt when you wanted to talk to me. The thing is, Sean and I had gotten so close that everyone just assumes we’re either dating or just fucking. But we’re not. There are some friendships that ultimately get ruined when two people go from being best friends to being boyfriends. I’ve seen it happen and I have a strong feeling that would be my case if Sean and I ever tried to get into a romantic relationship.
But that’s by the way. Remember our first phone conversation? I was at Sean’s the evening you called. You seemed to be cautious with the way you picked your words while talking to me, and I thought it was cute. I loved how you loved me without having to say it.
Remember my first night at your house? God, I hate myself now that I remember how much of a whiny bitch I was, and yet, you were so patient.
I misplaced the black-and-gold ring you gave me afterwards – well, actually the ring you let me take from your collection. That was how kind you were to me, and maybe, my misplacing it was a omen for what happened between us.
I miss seeing you smile. I miss our never-ending arguments that often ended with you kissing me and wrapping me in your arms; your muscular arms.
I made a mistake with you. I never went out of my way to make you feel special. I never made it look like you mattered, even though you did. I always picked my friends over you, with the excuse that they’d always be there for me when you are gone. Now that I think about it, I realize I was a horrible person. It is true my friends are still here, but then, so would you if I wasn’t so difficult. You were not perfect but you were a diamond in the rough, and boy, did I love you rough!
I still see you checking out my Instagram, sending all those funny videos like you used to. I still laugh when I watch them. But then, that happiness is quickly dampened by the fact that I know I was the one who fucked up. I like the fact you’ve been reaching out to me lately. You still have that broken tooth that makes you look adorable every time you smile.
I still have feelings for you, Enem. I don’t just know if now’s the right time to get back together, as I’ve been mostly caught up with my Language program. But then, I will give time the opportunity to reveal whatever plan it has for us.
I need you to know that I have learned my lesson. I just hope my mistakes with you weren’t so bad that they made you stop believing in love. And if I’m not that one, I hope you find someone who’ll appreciate you in the ways I didn’t. If you already have, that would be the ultimate relief for me.
Till I see you again.
PS: I still think you make the best egg sauce I’ve ever had. Maybe, sometime, you could make it again for me?
Love, Olly.
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8 Comments
Mandy
April 14, 08:13“I never went out of my way to make you feel special. I never made it look like you mattered, even though you did. I always picked my friends over you, with the excuse that they’d always be there for me when you are gone. Now that I think about it, I realize I was a horrible person. It is true my friends are still here, but then, so would you if I wasn’t so difficult. ”
This touched me. I felt it. One day, we should have this conversation where we treat our boyfriends like they can’t be our friends. Yes, friends stay while boyfriends come and go. BUT friends also come and go, while boyfriends stay. When you realize that the man you’re sleeping with is something special, he should also be your friend. Friendship should be one of the foundations of relationships, but unfortunately in the gaybourhood, that doesn’t happen often.
Lanre
April 22, 11:59Exactly, sometimes I think it’s the cliche that “friends would always be there no matter what”. Yes they might but your boyfriend should be your friend too. It’s saddening
Olly
April 23, 14:48That’s right Mandy. There’s a reason why he’s called the boyFRIEND. I know that now.
Delle
April 14, 12:40So pure. So fearless in your acceptance of your wrongdoing. So cute.
I can’t wait to see how many more letters you have to write (cos that would mean how many boyfriends you’ve had),so I can exclaim in the sheer shock of it all seeing as some of us can’t even boast of ever having one.
Keep it coming.
Olly
April 23, 14:50Thanks Delle.
???
Gblex
April 14, 22:56This touched me real deep. There’s something powerful and unexplainably cute about your acceptance of wrongdoing – it came straight from the heart! I really do hope Enem sees this and pulls you back into his warm embrace. It is quite hard to find someone who loves you intentionally and unconditionally. If you ever find one please never let him go.
Olly
April 23, 14:51It’s sad I didn’t know this in time. I do now and grateful I learned from that experience.
ChristianGayBoy
January 16, 07:21I find this write up beautiful in every sense of the word. It oozes of originality, sincerity, openness and admirable vulnerability.
I am just seeing this story, but somehow I hope you and Enem are back together or would be back together if that’s still what you want.