To All The Boys I’ve Loved (Entry 5)

Hi Bobby,

How are you? I don’t know if you’re going to read this, but I hope you do. First off, I’d like to clarify something: I am no longer in love with you. Don’t get me wrong, I love you. And there’s that part of me that will always care for you.

My sister once told me that are some people I should just be there for and never misplace care for being in love. I didn’t understand that you were an example of that. I should have simply cared about you instead of being in love with you.

In all honesty, I did find you attractive that day at the audition. You still haven’t explained why you made me swim the Atlantic just to get to you. Thank God for Erin. If you hadn’t been paired with her, I don’t think I’d have ever gotten to you. And when I finally got your attention, the audition didn’t matter anymore. I did later get re-cast though. But then it’s not the first time I’d get cast and dropped a week to commencement of shoot because some actor with more experience showed up. I’ve made peace with the fact that there’s no breaking into the movie scene unless I know someone who knows a producer, so I’ll just stick to writing and directing stage plays.

I had mixed feelings after meeting you at the audition. I found you attractive, but there was just this part of me that resisted the idea of being a thing with you. Perhaps it was an instinct about you warning me that I was about to get sucked in to a black hole. I didn’t listen though. You flirted with me and I flirted back. I let you into my personal space and never thought to question your intentions. When you told me about your mom’s illness, I felt really bad. I understood what it feels like to have an ailing parent. I wasn’t by my dad’s side when he was dying from lung cancer. The doctor had assured us of his chances of survival, but we weren’t convinced, not when we were watching him die. It still hurts that I never got to say goodbye.

I still haven’t been able to wrap my head around the fact you questioned my attraction to you when I told you I liked you by saying it wasn’t “normal” for me to like you that way. Like, what the flying fuck! It’s true I pushed to get close to you. I made the first move. But then, you encouraged it. You encouraged me! I wish I could send you screenshots of our chats so you’d see just how stupid you were, but I won’t. It’s in the past now. If you don’t want to get into something with someone, just fucking say it! You pulled up the two most stupid cards to make less the connection we had – religion and the Nigerian perception of same-sex attraction. With you, I came face to face with internalized homophobia.

And the fact that you came back with some lame excuse and I took you back is one thing I still beat myself up with. Sean and Nuel say I have the heart of a child. Sometimes I wish I do not have it in me to tolerate bullshit. Sometimes I wish I can sweep people’s case files under the rug like they never existed. But you knew me. That is why you kept coming back with sadder stories, because you knew I’d forgive and take you back.

Well, I have decided to not talk to you again and I will blacklist your number as soon as I am done with this letter. I am learning to cut people off now – not because I hate them, but because I love myself enough to not let people drain me of all the good I have in me. I do not want to give up on finding love and true friendship, Bobby. I am not going to let you make me give up. Lest I forget, I already blocked that silly workout account you used to text me on Instagram. I’d advise you really sit down and take stock of yourself. You still have a problem marrying religion and sexuality, and sorry, that’s not something I can help you with. I know where I stand in my worship to God as a gay man, and I am happy.

I hope you find true happiness too. Take care of yourself and your mom.  I wish you have a nice life and that dream movie role you’ve always wanted. Till then, be strong.

Love, Olly.