Waka Pass Diaries (The Ex-Lover)

Waka Pass Diaries (The Ex-Lover)

September 25

An old, old, old lover just reconnected with me on Facebook.

And instantly, I had a flashback to how our last interaction happened and the memory of it filled me with the chuckles.

He and I used to fuck like four or five years ago. I used to work in customer service at the airport at the time. Sometimes I’d go to his place in Ogba, and other times we’d get together in a hotel. Fun times. No complications. One of the very few good hookups where I was actually able to enjoy the sex and not have it mess with my emotions or create any catching of feelings.

Then one day, I went to see him at his place and we got shagging. Usually, we’d relax after the sex, you know, lounge on the bed or patter about in the house, with the satiated idleness of two people who’ve accomplished something worthwhile in bed. But that day, just after the final ‘aah’ of ejaculation, he got a text message, one which after he read sent him into a state of instant panic. He began hustling me to get dressed. I had to start going sharp-sharp. He was full of apologies – but could I hurry it up with that shirt I’m buttoning up? He was truly sorry about this – but could I be fast with the belt I’m buckling? He would call me later to explain – but could I please let myself out through the backdoor and the back gate?

My god, I’d never felt more like a disposable napkin than I felt that day. Curiously, I’d never had any experience with an MGM or bisexual or girlfriend-having gay man before that day, so it didn’t even occur to me that I was getting chanced because of a female with more rights to him than I did. In fact, I remember thinking resentfully that he was chancing me for another GUY. And that infuriated me more; like seriously, if you’re going to hoe around me, couldn’t you let me have the dignity of hoeing my way out of your bed first?

Besides, he’d never mentioned that he had a girlfriend before that day, so again, I didn’t think ‘females’ as I was getting hustled out the kitchen door. Thankfully, the small back gate wasn’t sealed shut with rust; otherwise I’d have had to figure out a way to jump the fence unto the street beyond.

The sheer indignity that would’ve been!

And then, as if to top off my indignity, when I got home, I called him a few times but he wouldn’t pick. I buzzed him on WhatsApp only to discover that I’d been blocked. Blackberry Messenger nko? He had raptured me. WTF! I went to Facebook to give him a piece of my mind to find out I’d been blocked. I was royally pissed now. He’d not only chanced me for some skanky bitch, he’d also cut me off? Just like that? Without so much as the explanation he said he’d give me? And I couldn’t even have the satisfaction of lashing out at him? I was paralyzed with frustrated rage for several moments. Then I mended my disheveled dignity and carried on living.

A few months later, while I was busy doing my work at the airport, behind the customer service desk, guess who saunters up to my work station, en route to someplace outside Lagos and in need of my service.

Yes, my ex-lover of House Asshole, first of his name, first of his kind, banger of asses and disposer of bitches. There he was, arm in arm with – wait, was that a woman he was exchanging dazzling smiles and cute little whispers with?

I was so startled by the unfamiliarity of the sight (gay man and straight woman looking like lovers) that I wasn’t quite ready with my “You bastard, WTF did you think you pulled on me the other day” look when they got to my counter. When he saw me, he had the grace to look shame-faced, whether he was regretful of what he did to me, or was uncomfortable with me being in the presence of his lady friend, or both, I knew not which. All I know is that he was very, very, VERY uncomfortable, so uncomfortable his lady friend noticed. And something must’ve telegraphed itself to her, some knowledge that was at that moment elusive to me, because she turned from the genial customer she was when they first approached me into this resting-bitch-faced, sour, little hussy. Snapping at me to hurry up with my service and rapping out questions at me like me and her dragged husband once upon a time.


Turns out we did. Kinda. Sorta.

So the couple eventually finished with me and checked into the departure lounge of the airport. Then they must’ve left because I never saw them again until the next day – when my ex-lover of House Sonofabitch came back to Lagos.


He made a beeline for my work station immediately (I suppose) he got into the airport and requested for me to step out of my work space to share a table with him in the food court. He wanted us to talk. Grudgingly, I agreed and joined him at a table.

And then he began to talk.

First he apologized for what he did to me and how callously he’d treated me. Then he talked about how the lady he was with the previous day was his wife. And I was like, WIFE!? Since when? Shit, dude, when we were hooking up a few months ago, you weren’t married. He said yes, that they were basically newlyweds. And that she was the one who called that afternoon we hooked up. That the reason he’d flown into such a panic was because his fiancée (then) had actually found out about his “dirty little secret” when she stumbled upon some explicit chats in his phone, complete with nude pics and all. She’d flown into a misery-fuelled rage, determined to break up their engagement. He’d begged and begged and begged, promising heaven and earth, including his instant switch to faithful heterosexuality, if she would just give him a chance. Eventually, she conceded, on the condition that he would cut off all ties with his homosexual liaisons. It would seem that he didn’t – at least not with me, seeing as after the fracas, I was still at his house for that afternoon hookup.

But then, when the fiancée got to his house that afternoon, after I’d been hastily packed off (and this was mere days after they had their situation, so she was still understandably suspicious), she’d been onto him like flies on shit, intuiting into his subsiding panic and accusing him of still fucking guys behind her back. He begged and begged again, telling her that he absolutely wasn’t doing any of that, that he’d changed. For some time, she stomped around the house, banging closet doors open and looking into nooks and crannies, determined to prove him wrong by unearthing that piece of male ass that she was sure he was hiding. When she didn’t discover anything, she demanded for his phone and began to scour through it. Unfortunately homeboy hadn’t deleted our most recent chat where we arranged to meet, and so she pounced on that – even though the chat was quite innocuous and not very damaging, a fact which he used to his advantage, saying that I was one of the guys he’d cut off but that I hadn’t wanted to take no for an answer, that I’d insisted on meeting face to face to settle our issue. When she asked if he’d met up with me (like the chat clearly showed we would), he emphatically said no. She said good and then proceeded to delete me from his digital life. BBM. WhatsApp. Facebook. And he’d respected her and stayed away from making contact with me since then…

Until they encountered me at the airport the previous day.

Suddenly, the girl’s hostility made sense. When I asked him, he said yes, she’d recognized me as that “thirsty hoe who wouldn’t take no for an answer”. Lol.

In the end sha, we gisted some more and then he got up and left, leaving behind the realization we’d both made that we were never to be again. That was my first official encounter with an MGM and I didn’t even know how to characterize my thoughts or feelings about the situation. Of course we never met or spoke to or contacted each other again…

Until this morning, when he said “Hi” on Facebook, and I replied “Well, hello there.”

Written by Pink Panther

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  1. Foxydevil
    September 26, 06:14 Reply

    Am I the only one who has a problem with ” a skanky bitch ” reference?
    I have very little respect for people who leave the offender and dumb their anger on a fellow victim (that’s why I can’t stand women who fight over guys)
    This guy is the one playing the two of you, if anyone deserves to be called a ” skanky bitch ” it is the man that tossed you around like a ball not a woman you hardly know anything about ”
    Do you have a natural resentment for women , because it is certainly looking like it ….never mind the cliche ideals like (chimamanda, Beyonce) that you fawn over.
    The everyday women, that are not as bright or spectacular…. do you have something against them… because with these ” Waka pass diaries ” am starting to think you do.
    And this isn’t me trying to antagonize you, this is me being concerned.

    • Pink Panther
      September 26, 06:45 Reply

      SMH. This comment goes to show that you didn’t even understand the basics of the post you supposedly read. Totally missed the references and the nuances of the Me portrayed in it, which is quite embarrassing for a writer that you are. I’d tell you that the “skanky bitch” wasn’t any insult slung at a woman or indicative of any resentment toward women, but let me allow you wallow in the warm feeling of your “concern”.

      • Foxydevil
        September 26, 07:58 Reply

        Hahahaha hahahahahaha .
        Nothing is truly as fickle as the facade of men.
        Once they are confronted with the truth, all their supposed class stutters into the drain and they resort to cheap, tacky insults.
        The truly embarrassing thing here is you, a supposed English professor not being able to decipher that I didn’t reach this conclusion merely on this post .
        You’ve had a lot of not so flattering things to say about women “the bitch go sit at the back ” the clueless nurse in your second or third entry, who you tried hard to portray as a friend and an all around good jolly woman yet you couldn’t veil your sarcastic undertone about her clear misconception and presented her as entitled… not as an ignorant woman who might not be used to the idea of homosexuality but as a woman who believes a man can’t possibly be intimate with any thing other than a woman.
        And yes I am a writer ( a very good one at that) a good writer understands the psychological aspect of humanity. They don’t look at the dotted lines or paper prints ,they see far above it. That’s why I know this is no you, you are trying to create but exactly the real you and how you truly feel.
        Women are not your enemies, the men ditching you for them are. ?.
        PS :I don’t care enough about you to wallow in my concerns. I know you are many things but delusional isn’t one ???????

        • Pink Panther
          September 26, 08:23 Reply

          “And yes I am a writer (a very good one at that) a good writer understands the psychological aspect of humanity…”

          “That’s why I know this is no you, you are trying to create but exactly the real you and how you truly feel.”

          And presumptuous.
          I’d take you seriously if all this was true. But hey, the internet is a good place for people to write whatever truth they want.

          • Foxydevil
            September 26, 10:49 Reply

            Hilarious and presumptuous?
            Not quite long ago on this very forum, someone called me a horrible person. In his very own words… our correspondence via gmail had made him forget but he thanked me again for reminding him just how much of a horrible person I was.
            That was not presumptuous at all, that was someone drawing conclusions with facts. This is someone that has never met me in person or had any dealings with me in reality but he drew the conclusion that I am a horrible person because of the supposedly unflattering comments I drop intermittently.
            Now let’s see…. the first Waka pass diaries was about a lady who didn’t know her place, who took her womanly liberty and sat at a place not meant for her ? the second about a woman, who couldn’t believe that any man could resist her charms even a screeching gay man huddling in a suffocating closet… The third ,a clueless nurse or whatever who kept on querying a man about marriage even though he had admitted earlier on to her that he was just a receptor of some dick in the anal cavity.
            And the fourth ,you merely have to look up and read up.
            Now this I believe are supposed real events unfolding in your life.And it happens that all the female characters in your story are either airheads, irrational or clueless to the level of depravity.
            And someone then postulates that this dude might have some innate dislike for women because of how shallow he makes them out to be but of course it is all presumption unlike the person that called a person he’d never met horrible for not being as sympathetic in his comments to meet up the standard he has set for grading compassion and kindness.
            You are indeed right buttercup, the internet is where we make presumptions and come up with realities we would rather pass as our truth but you left something out …….no place harbours more hypocrites like the internet ,not even the church. ?

            • Pankar
              September 26, 22:51 Reply

              You do try sooo hard ! And u needed to call gmail ?

    • Mandy
      September 26, 07:42 Reply

      Lol. Someone’s climbing a feminist altar to scold PP on his misogyny. LMAO. You’d have to know PP to appreciate the irony of this.

      Foxy, let me help you out.

      “Curiously, I’d never had any experience with an MGM or bisexual or girlfriend-having gay man before that day, so it didn’t even occur to me that I was getting chanced because of a female with more rights to him than I did. In fact, I remember thinking resentfully that he was chancing me for another GUY.”

      So “skanky bitch” was referring to the guy PP imagined he was getting thrown out for.

      And secondly, there is a reason why people, women or men, getting cheated on or played feel more resentment for the other person instead of their partner. Becos until the cheating happened, the partner had all their love. So when you suddenly find out you’re being played, it’s only human for you to hate the person who takes the form of a threat to your relationship before hating your partner who brought the threat in.

      • Foxydevil
        September 26, 08:05 Reply

        Have I ever told you I love you, like for real?
        Nothing like a person who can present realistic points without being bitchy.
        A rare and admirable trait in KD.

        • Pink Panther
          September 26, 08:14 Reply

          Yes, a truly rare trait in KD. Gosh! How I wish we all learned to be more courteous and less bitchy when presenting our points.

          • Foxydevil
            September 26, 10:53 Reply

            Never denied being a bitch but I can still admire people that are not.
            I mean you have a crush on linkz or whatever his name is, that should tell you something. ?????

        • Mandy
          September 26, 08:18 Reply

          Please don’t tell me you love me. No offence but your affection is very fickle. ? But thanks anyway.

  2. Rehoboth
    September 26, 06:31 Reply

    I can relate to some of this; the old lover angle.

  3. Mandy
    September 26, 07:33 Reply

    “…guess who saunters up to my work station, en route to someplace outside Lagos and in need of my service.

    Yes, my ex-lover of House Asshole, first of his name, first of his kind, banger of asses and disposer of bitches.”

    Game of Thrones, we have you to thank for this.

      September 26, 08:02 Reply

      That part got me like a knife. And to think I thought I would be the first to comment on it. ? way to g Mandy

  4. Dickson Clement
    September 26, 17:40 Reply

    Kai! Those demons ! Just when you think they are dead, they come back as white walkers…
    Hi! Brings hello… And some fuckery

  5. ogb
    September 26, 17:52 Reply

    Yes, my ex-lover of House Asshole, first of his name, first of his kind, banger of asses and disposer of bitches.”–this part??…i really enjoyed this.

  6. Gad
    September 29, 06:01 Reply

    Between the post and the comments, I don’t know which is more entertaining…

  7. YCJ
    December 31, 01:47 Reply

    What’s MGM??

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