What I Wish for 2016

What I Wish for 2016

#1: I wish I could tell mommy that her little boy whom she raised to marry a woman and bear her grandchildren was Born This Way.

I wish that when I dressed up in her clothes, bags, wigs and underwear, and played with my sister’s dolls, Mommy had said, “Son, you’re gay and it’s okay this way.”

I wish I had come out when I was twelve years old. That’s what would have happened if I was raised in an environment where alternative sexualities were normative. Rather, I was raised straight. I never heard about gayness till I was in my late teens. And then it was taboo. So I identified as bisexual to my gay friends, and straight to everyone else. I had no gay role models. Now at my old age, am struggling to accept that I might actually be gay, instead of bisexual.

I wish I didn’t have to come out in 2016.

#2: I wish Mommy’s friends would stop asking her, “When are we coming to tie gèlè?” Euphemism for “When are we going to attend your son’s wedding…?” I wish that the girl who has practically moved into our house and is waiting for me to propose would understand that the rejection is not about her, that instead I’m just not that way. I wish Mum didn’t already like her so much. I wish I wasn’t the only son. I wish things weren’t already so complicated.

I wish all the friends I went to school with would stop wondering why I’m not yet married with kids like they are. I wish Nigerians weren’t so brutally hateful to my kind. I wish church folk would be as non-judgmental as Christ, who silently scribbled in the sand while they dropped their stones and walked away. I wish they’d overturn that unrighteous antigay law in 2016.

#3: I wish Michael Jackson asked me to remix ‘In the Closet’ (1991), or Madonna ‘Human Nature’ (1994), or R Kelly his ‘I Wish’ (2000), or Lady Gaga ‘Born This Way’ (2011).  Then I would walk through the closet like the kids in Narnia, and embrace all the 50 Shades of Gay on the other side.

Oh, I wish there was a new app called Gaydr (mix of Gaydar + Grindr); this app which when installed on your phone would make it so that every time you pass by another gay person, your phone screen will flash rainbow. If the person is top, the rainbow will rise to the top of your screen. If they are bottom, the rainbow will sink to the bottom of your screen. But if they are verse, it will stay in the middle. If they are transsexual, the rainbow will slipshod around upside down. And if they are lesbian, the rainbow will turn a full pink.

But that’s not all: this new Gaydr app will instantly link you to all their social media profiles: from Twitter, to Facebook, to Instagram. And it will automatically update your contacts with their phone number, house address and a link to Google street map of their house.

Finally I wish this new app would screen out people who are dangerous to your gay welfare.

I’m going to ask Mark Zuckerberg and Tim Cook to sponsor the release of the new Gaydr app in 2016.

Wish me Luck.

Written by Lanre Swagg

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  1. Mandy
    December 27, 07:04 Reply

    This is hilarious. And so in tune with what I dream about sometimes. My own was the invention of glasses. A special kind of gay glasses that only recognizes and responds when the wearer is gay. And so when the wearer passes a fellow gay person, the screen will turn pink. lol. I used to fantasize about such an invention eh. Chai

  2. McGray
    December 27, 07:08 Reply

    Touching. The one about gaydar app tho, i wouldn’t mind having such. Lol.

  3. Zage
    December 27, 07:19 Reply

    The part about the app, I pray everyday for someone to invent such.

  4. Peak
    December 27, 07:20 Reply

    Very riveting piece. Some of us are not far along from where you are right now. “Having someone move in with you though? **shivers** I’m too stingy with my personal space to share it, especially when marriage is not involved. Bros, you de try no be small.

    As for the app? Nah, I’d pass up on that.

    Lest I forget, GOOD LUCK with everything.

  5. Oturugbeke!
    December 27, 07:35 Reply

    I wish to find someone again. Ended a 3yr monogamous relationship in August owing to the stress of communication. I pray I find something just as beautiful this year. I wish to finish up my study and obtain my certificate as a registered physician.

  6. Jamie
    December 27, 07:43 Reply

    LOL…your fantasy app doesn’t recognise privacy @all, and so some of us without our own houses yet, is it our parents’ places that people would get to find??? So I hope that the dream come true, just like all the others, but with and ON/OFF button, and some privacy settings (if one wants to stop GMap from working on his home, so that marriages and relationships won’t break…LOL
    Also, I am dreaming that there shouldn’t be any slim chance that virus infestation would alter the way it works!!! What would we call that? Internally-induced Kito Remix???!! LOL

  7. Dennis Macaulay
    December 27, 07:53 Reply

    Biko when that app is developed I need to be informed abeg!

    Na to go Park motor for Uniport, turn on the thing dey look. I can’t shout abeg!

    Lanre I didn’t realise you were this funny!

    Good one!

  8. johnny
    December 27, 08:10 Reply

    hehehehehe…App wey go boost business for HOEloshow abi? It won’t be made IJN. Guys will just be stalking my irresistible body. OMG!

  9. Swiss
    December 27, 08:17 Reply

    I wish that I can be capable of love.

    • Absalom
      December 27, 08:32 Reply

      ^ Pinky, there’s a story here. ?

      • Pink Panther
        December 27, 10:23 Reply

        Swiss, you think you can share this journey to you being incapable of love with us?

        • Swiss
          December 27, 14:21 Reply

          I’d love to, but I’m not ready for a slut trophy!!!

    • Santa Diaba
      December 27, 10:24 Reply

      Same here Swiss. Same here. Pinky will receive my story soon concerning this.

  10. Chizzie
    December 27, 08:42 Reply

    Everyone is wishing for abstract inconsequential things but I really just want material things. I want to be extremely successful this coming year so I can afford the latest Iphones and switch to glutatione injections, and maybe finally get a rhinoplasty

    • #FlyOnTheWall
      December 27, 10:22 Reply

      Sweetheart you need that Rhinoplasty so you can look less like a pig and maybe be a nicer person.

      Hola we can set up a gofundme account for you to make it happen!

      • Santa Diaba
        December 27, 10:26 Reply

        Do you know what “fly on the wall” means? It means an observer. A watcher. These catty comments you post here are quite unnecessary.

        • #FlyOnTheWall
          December 27, 11:08 Reply

          Santa Diaba, double standards anyone?

          On Christmas day chizzie said he wanted to kill someone with a meat cleaver, and called another person an agbaya and y’all kept mute.

          If chizzie can be a pig, by all means I can be a fly!

          • ikhines
            December 27, 13:23 Reply

            This one will be stalking and quoting chizzie everytime. Get a life nigga!

            • Stranger
              December 28, 09:44 Reply

              I swear I don’t get. It’s creepy. I think he has a book where he writes all the things the chizzie guy does.

  11. kacee
    December 27, 08:44 Reply

    Omg LMAO, Lanre you are so funny.

  12. Dickson Clement
    December 27, 08:59 Reply

    This is crazy, insane and damn right hilarious!!! Hahaha! This app will reveal a lot of secrets!! Some homophobes might turn out to have their rainbows drowning below!! Well this year, I wish to get a residency job in Lagos or abuja!! Or to intern at mckinsley!! I will buy my own ride!! I wish to read more books! Learn how to write ( I have read very wonderful piece here, If I ever have my way, I will recommend the writers here), I will travel more, attend more conferences, present papers!!

  13. shuga chocolata
    December 27, 10:03 Reply

    The app thou! privacy settings.
    Quite hilarious lanre.

    I wish things were different at home.

  14. peaches
    December 27, 10:24 Reply

    I wish i could come out to my mum/dad. i wish so much wasnt expect from me as the only son. I wish i cld meet pple who love n care for me half as much as i care for them, evn the gay ones. i wish to find a partner who is not all about sex. I wish the country was less hostile and more accepting to people of my kind. i wish i someone would fill the hollow my ex created. i wish kd was a meeting held, where i cld see my fav persons n what they look like, and laugh at their comments n let them know they re a bag of hilariousness that keeps me going. i wish i didnt have to wish for a lot.

  15. Delle
    December 27, 11:45 Reply

    The struggle is real honey, the struggle is real.
    That bit on Gaydr is just brilliantly hilarical! If wishes were ships, all will sail.

  16. Kenny
    December 27, 12:25 Reply

    2016 I want to have gay friends that I can truly be myself with and meet some peeps from kd.

  17. Von_strangle
    December 27, 13:20 Reply

    At first I was almost sympathetic, and then bam! It turned out to be full out hilarious😂

  18. ambivalentone
    December 27, 14:49 Reply

    I really wonder how that app will know what someone won’t know. Will it zing fir ‘potential’ queer ppl or just already sexually active queer ppl? (this feature will be great for our converters) Will it measure the arsehole width of a bottom via infra-red? Will it be able to identify rectal particles on a top’s penis? And the ones that don’t even do gay sex nko? Via hormonal imbalances abi? *RME Anyway, its just a wish. Hope u get all that in the new yr.

  19. Kerr
    December 27, 15:40 Reply

    Lol…. This is quite funny

    I wish I can tell my folks that their perfect son isn’t so perfect after all, so that I can jump down from the high pedestal I’m being placed on and just be me without having to be responsible for anyone or anything . Perfection is boring and exhausting

    As for that gay app, thanks but no thanks .

    Be careful what you wish for cause you just might get it.

    • sensei
      December 28, 13:40 Reply

      You are perfect…
      Just as you are…

  20. Teflondon
    December 27, 16:51 Reply

    I wish to lose some weight really In the coming year… but I have wished that for the last 10 years so…. ?

    About that App, well yeah! I’ll like me some app that detects str8 boys that are willing to do gay sex. like it will save me the hassle. Those things take a lot of time & investments you know?

  21. michael
    December 27, 18:54 Reply

    I wish to find a boy friend made.

  22. Promise4all
    December 27, 21:20 Reply

    I wish to excel so high in my studies, to know,God more & actually have a gay room mate with a luxurious closet like mine to always sit me up when I’m unserious, and al§do make me a hoelier person.

  23. Brian Collins
    December 27, 21:38 Reply

    Very nice Lanre, way to go. This piece lifted my spirit. Thank you

  24. Tobi Macaulay
    December 27, 23:07 Reply

    I wish d coming year a cure would be found and i would happy.

  25. tboi
    December 29, 15:38 Reply

    I wish for a new world wherby everybody can be want he or she wants to and not having any consequence in the future, because really ,yeah we are what we are but IF, our creator disagrees nko, every time I do anything pertaining to LGBT ,A thought troubles me that ok now, if the world now becomes LGBT accepting, there is still 1 person !!!!!!!!!!!
    GOD, is this man gonna do the same,…………..,
    let’s keep that in our mind……

    And don’t let me spoil anyone’s mood, I have pictured dat imagination, though mine is not an App, buh where we can identify our real selves without the use of an App,….. just the way str8 pple do…., the thought has been on my mind b4 i even knew what gayism was……..
    I’m a new comer, and i just want to meet everyone, and by the way is Mr pinkpather if I’m not mistaken our Administrator, cuz i wanna know him better…… for this wonderful platform he created for us,

    Thanks, tboi

    December 29, 18:39 Reply

    Wish I can be less nice and selfless,
    Wish I can be a lil bit mean and spiteful,
    And as for the App, hope there will a pop-up beside the rainbow to tell the person’s HIV and other STD status?

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