After the sex that rainy afternoon, William and I exchanged numbers. Then he asked me out on a date and I said yes. We went to a popular big hotel in town to swim and have some drinks. During drinks, we talked, catching up on our lives in the past year we hadn’t spoken to each other.

It was at this time that I officially asked him to be my boyfriend. He declined, saying he already had a girlfriend and he wouldn’t be able to handle two relationships at the same time. Besides, he added, he didn’t know how a relationship between two men was supposed to work out. I told him that a gay relationship did not require a special recipe. That nothing spectacular had to happen when we’re together. That I simply wanted the commitment of knowing he was mine and I his. He brushed that aside, saying there was no need for that assurance, seeing as he wasn’t into any other guy. That he would always be there for me anytime I want him.

I didn’t get what I wanted, but him making that promise gave me a comforting feeling. I was happy that he had given his word that he wouldn’t disappear again. I didn’t think I could handle that again.

Weeks later, we resumed at our different schools. After settling in, I called his numbers but they were not going through. I sent him text messages. Texted him on WhatsApp. Even dropped messages for him on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. No response. I began to feel an ugly unease creep through my system. A few weeks later, I saw him online on Facebook. I waited for him to reply the messages I sent him on Messenger. He didn’t. pain threatened to overtake me, but I wouldn’t let it. It was clear that he had gone back to his old ways, and I wasn’t about to stress myself over that. Funny how you never know you can handle emotional pain until it actually hits you. Then all it does is make you stronger.

I picked myself up and moved on. That day, I was feeling really alone, so I texted a friend to hook me up with somebody. He sent me the number of a guy named Royce, telling me he’d already told him about me. I chatted Royce up on WhatsApp. It wasn’t long before we clicked and the chemistry seemed so right. Days later, we met. Royce was quite good looking. Not in the league of William, but he was a great guy. When we had sex, it was great. I was connecting so much with him.

After hooking up with Royce severally, it appeared we couldn’t do without each other. He asked me out and I said yes. We were happy together. Everything was good. He was all the man I wanted. He fulfilled me in so many ways, I couldn’t even imagine stepping out on him. It was a relationship, and so I dropped my fuck buddies and focused on making us work.

Then I was on a break and traveled home. On the following Saturday morning, my phone rang and it was an old secondary school friend. After exchanging pleasantries, he said I should hold on for someone. The person who came on the line next was William. Apparently, my friend didn’t tell me it was him because he’d asked him not to. hearing his voice brought a fierce rush of feelings I thought I’d buried long ago.

After identifying himself, he told me he would call me back later with his number. And he did. He called me when he left the mutual friend’s place. He told me his phones had been stolen when he got back to school and he’d been unable to retrieve his numbers for a while. He lamented that he was currently even using a Nokia Torch. He said that in a jocular tone, which made me laugh. He laughed too. It felt familiar. It felt right.

He asked me to come to his place on Monday. I said no. He guessed that I was resisting because of his silence all those months ago, and he apologised for not making an effort to reach me. He said that when he returned home, he’d gone to our mutual friend’s place specifically to get my number from him.

This admission touched something in my heart, and I could feel myself starting to unclench.

He told me he’d just finished learning how to drive, so I needn’t come. That he could come pick me up and drop me back home after my visit. I made a joke about how I could trust him, a newly minted driver, to not kill us on the road. He laughed. And I felt another tug of how familiar this all felt.

Monday was soon here, and when I spotted William parked in front of my gate, I got an instant boner. I left my house and slid into the car seat next to him. There was an immediate undercurrent of passion running between us. It was like nothing I’d ever felt. Like I had no control over whatever would happen with William that day.

He looked me in the eye and told me he’d missed me. Right there and then, I was melting under the fire of his stare. I just wanted to kiss him. To hold him. To have him hold me. the urgency appeared to be communicating itself to him, because he started the car and began the drive to his house.

Once we were in his living room, we fell into each other. We were kissing all the way from the parlour to his bedroom. My phone rang when he was sucking my dick. I glanced at it because I thought it might be my parents.

It wasn’t.

It was Royce.

I quickly stoppered the valve of guilt that began surging inside me, and switched off my phone without answering the call. I couldn’t believe I’d done that. This was Royce. My boyfriend. The man I’d come to love in the few months we’d been dating. The guy who’d been so right for me. The guy whose touch and kisses had made me so sure I would never have to want any other man’s touch.

And I’d just hung up on him because I was about to get sinful with my first love. The ex-lover I’d never really gotten over.

William asked who called me and I said nobody. I didn’t want him to know I had a boyfriend anyway. After that, there were no further interruptions as we made love exhaustively to each other.

He dropped me back home as promised. And then, I turned my phone back on and called Royce, lying to him that I’d been at a program. Hence me not picking his call. But now, without William and his intoxicating hold over me, in the cold clear face of reality, that valve unstoppered and the guilt came gushing out. Spreading out all over my system. I felt truly rotten over what I’d done to Royce.

I love him, I told myself repeatedly. I can’t cheat on him again. I won’t cheat on him again. This thing with William had to stop.

But it was easier said than done.

Every time William called, I could not say no. And he called very often. It was like the fire of our secondary school romance all over again. He was insatiable. And so was I. We had to do things with each other. To each other. Our passion for each other was not expendable.

At every time I kissed him and orgasmed in his arms, I was aware of what I was doing to Royce. My guilt warred frequently with my desire. I didn’t want to be this person. A cheater. But William had a hold on me I didn’t know how to break. One time, I had to confess everything to Royce, thinking this would somehow cause something to change. I wanted desperately to be with Royce. He was the boyfriend. The one who wanted to be with me in every way. William didn’t. He was very wrong for me. For all the sex we were having, he didn’t even think of himself as a gay man. Or bisexual. Every time I tried to have a conversation with him about what we were doing, he would brush it off or just find a way to change the subject. And then, he’d be making love to me and whisper in my ear repeatedly that he loves me.

When I confessed my unfaithfulness to Royce, it broke him. He didn’t even bother to hide his devastation. But we talked at length about it all, and we were good again.

I was positive that this would give me the strength I needed to cut off from William. I remember one time I was home from school and I had successfully resisted the desire to let William know I was around, in case he was too. I didn’t want to see him. I had no power of my own whenever I set eyes on him. And my plan was working out fine. Until I ran into him at the supermarket, and from there, he took me home where we had sex again and again.

Until I broke up with Royce after four years of being together, I was having sex with William.

It’s been more than ten years since I first got attached to William, and there’s no lessening that attachment. Sometimes, it feels like our destinies are woven together. If he would say yes, I would marry him in a heartbeat.

Written by Celio

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  1. Mitch
    May 23, 08:51 Reply

    I think there’s something insidious about your feelings for William.
    Nigga has proven, time and again, that he doesn’t love you. That all you are is a convenient fuck.

    And yet, somehow, you’re still in ‘love’ with him?

    I think it speaks more of the issues you don’t want to face on your life. Probably, a feeling you’ve buried deep down inside you. A feeling that you don’t deserve love or happiness.

    Cos, I still can’t wrap my head around the idea of falling in and out of bed with someone who doesn’t want to date you, who clearly doesn’t love you and who treats you like some piece of fuck property.

    You need to fix yourself.
    And fast too!

  2. Rumi
    May 23, 08:59 Reply

    Can I just say Celio, that this reads so human; raw, messy, complicated, rough, don’t even get me started on how honest.

    I just kept seeing the characters of Mary-Jane and David (From the series, Being Mary-Jane).

    I hope it all works out someway. I hope you finally choose you, even if he doesn’t.

    • Malik
      May 24, 09:26 Reply

      This reads so human. Perfectly said, Rumi.

  3. KingB
    May 23, 09:48 Reply

    Wow! I feel for Royce. He doesn’t deserve this at all. Also, I wouldn’t blame u totally because I think there’s this feeling one gets when one is really into some one. There’s this guy I met about three years ago. The moment I saw him that night, I got an instant boner. He was just the way I like my guys. Dark skinned, neat ,muscular and bearded. We started talking, I told him I liked him and would want us to date. I would often call to check up on him and basically show him I was into him. To cut a long story short, he said he had someone he was seeing and he even wanted to start taking advantage of me by requesting money from me. When he realized he couldn’t get me to keep sending money to him after I sent a first time, he asked me to stop calling and all that shit. I deleted his number only for us to run into each other last week. We apologized to each other about the last time. Got his number and started calling again as all the feelings I once had for him resurfaced. When ever I call, he gives one excuse or the other for us not to see. Me I have jejely deleted his number. I can’t massage anybody’s ego biko.

  4. Higwe
    May 23, 10:08 Reply

    I want to judge you , but honestly I can’t ………..the heart is a bastard .

    But do know this , no one has power over us ….we give them all the power .

    I always tell my clients that falling in toxic love is like gaining excess weight and falling out of it, is like losing it.

    It’s always a process …one where you have to undo everything and anything that brought you to that stage.

    But like always, the first thing you have to defeat is -your mind .
    Afreet’s vessel of communication : which keeps telling you “this is it , you can’t do better ” …shut it down and tell it , you can and you will !
    Building a strong rapport with your mind is a balliwick’s true weapon .

    Let me tell you a scathing truth ….

    William will never marry you .

    He’ll get married to a woman , keep your ass around for pleasure because he knows you’re easy and available .

    And when you lose your looks …become wrinkly … he’ll dump your aged ass for a kid half your age .

    * That’s if he won’t have infected you with something already … trust me sweetie , you’re not the only one he’s fucking *

    Then you’ll live out your days ..old , unwanted , unfulfilled and probably depressed and suicidal.

    You know the good news though ?
    None of it has happened yet …and you can keep it that way .
    I know deep inside you …… you dislike and resent him .
    Let that resentment boil over …not towards obsession but towards detachment .

    Start taking back all the powers you’ve given him …and you’ll see him for what he truly is – a beautiful floccinaucinihilipilification.?

    • AduResa
      May 23, 11:48 Reply

      I strongly agree, it’s all about power. He’s given him way too much that I even doubt he can take back.

  5. Sworld
    May 23, 12:12 Reply

    One sided expectations will mentally destroy you and it will be so worse that might leads to depression and suicide cos some day soon He will leave you when he his done using you for his moment.

    Your heart might be weak but pls use your brain. You even let go Royce whose love for you is guaranteed to William’s whom you are only certain of your love for him but what about his love you?

    What should we define FIRST LOVE?. A Remand/Detainer of one’s brain, Heart and eye.
    Letting go will be tough but it’s achievable.

    Only you will help yourself first then you might seek for help. Higwe will be Willing to help I know of!.

    Stay blessed Celio , apply sense!.

  6. Black Dynasty
    May 23, 14:13 Reply

    I appreciate your candour and enjoyed the story.
    Being human in theory should be simple but life and our choices in response can make things really messy….as in this case.

    I imagine you didn’t write this to get advice on how to live your life but I think you’re refusing to admit the truth to yourself about William and choose to hope that he will one day love you enough to want to be with you.

    I think you need to understand that you are worthy of love by a man willing and able to commit to you in words and actions. And not being his readily available sex centre he knows he can get at any time of his choosing just by showing up. You need to understand that his gf (also his future wife) will always come before you, no matter what. The man has shown how he really feels about you multiple times but you’re still in denial perhaps.

    I understand what you went through as my first bf from secondary school, i loved like crazy but he too had no interest in settling down with a guy. I thought loving him and being there for him in everyway would keep him… but alas I was wrong. Thankfully i was dumped via ghosting and the distance was forced after 4 years together. It helped me finally see just how toxic and one sided it was and that I deserved better. Eventually moved on and he’s tried to reach out a few times but I know better…

    You should focus on you for a bit, build up your self esteem and understand your self worth. Hopefully you’ll admit the truth to yourself before it’s too late.

    You can’t avoid the upcoming pain of letting him go, no matter how many times you postpone it.

  7. Rehoboth
    May 23, 14:49 Reply

    A microsm of gay relationship in Nigeria

  8. Lopez
    May 23, 14:55 Reply

    Hunny bun, I’ll have said dump him now bofore he dumps you (again) but the sex is good apparently. Do yourself a favour and look for not all the good things about him and find a reason to stop loving him. Trust me you don’t have a future here, I’m talking from experience, I know it’s easier said than done but to avoid stories that will touch the heart you have to let him go.
    May be you’ve not noticed but he’s holding you from the things that you deserve, a respectful bf per say. he’s in deep denial and incapable of loving anything that have a dick. why am I even this soft? fucking respect yourself.

  9. Julian_woodhouse
    May 23, 16:07 Reply

    Hey celio, you might never get to read this… I hope you do. Look up “intermittent reinforcement” on google or any search engine. It explains what you might be going through and a lot of people deal with. Understanding the problem is a step in getting over it.

  10. J
    May 23, 17:30 Reply

    You know that William of a guy is a scam and you are still following him. You have given him the right to manipulate and use you that’s why he’s misbehaving. The earlier you cut away from him the better for you, else you’re going to be sorry for yourself.

    Don’t allow anyone to threat you like a convenient. Like a toilet they need you only when they want to poo. It’s injurious to one’s self-esteem.

  11. Sim
    May 23, 17:45 Reply

    You gave him power, u can take it back- if you want what you have with him to grow – take back ur essence and grace, if you mean something to him he will grow up and if not, you should start planning for retirement honey. 401k cus we all getting old and this ur old flame ? ain’t prepared yet. Higwe captured a lot of what I wanted to say, I have been you but now I’m grown.

  12. Rex
    May 23, 22:28 Reply

    Better be preparing to get your heart peiced, At the end of the day this actually leading nowhere. Guys like Williams never figure out what they want and they leave thier fuck buddies broken. Hold yaself and stick to the guy that loves you.

  13. Bee
    June 09, 19:10 Reply

    Lmao. While reading this second part of the story, I went from yawning at the predictability of the situation, to violently yanking my hair, and then to outright rage.

    I’m late but think with your head plisss. There are people who are actually seeking relationships and you threw the Royce guy away. It’s annoying.

  14. ChristianGayBoy
    January 09, 16:21 Reply

    I love your writing style. It’s also clear you are very intelligent don’t let this guy make you feel otherwise, let go, slowly, intentionally. Make conscious effort even if it involves you changing your number, and distancing yourself from mutual friends you don’t really need to have close by. Don’t be quick to rush into another relationship though, probability is you would most likely cheat on him with William. Get rid of him and make yourself a happy life.

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