THE HOOKUP FROM HELL

THE HOOKUP FROM HELL

BEFORE THE HOOK-UP

The seed for the hookup is sown, and here we are, anticipating and chatting on WhatsApp.

Him: I can’t wait for this to finally go down.

Me: Lol. Same here. I’m looking forward to experiencing all those things you promised.

Him: Hold your breath.

Me: LMAO. Tell me more about what you’d like to do.

Him: Anything you are down for, baby.

Me: Well, just so you know, I like my men neat. A nice-smelling man gets me off anytime.

Him: Lol. I can get you off anytime.

Me: Haha. Boy, don’t I believe you. But seriously, a good body smell is still a prerequisite.

Him: Not disputing that. I love a clean man too.

Me: (now coyly smiling) I don’t mind his mind being dirty though.

Him: Ah! My God, I’m loving you already.

I laugh now, the gusty laugh of one enjoying this new connection.

Him: So you into big dicks?

Me: Nope.

Him: No?

Me: Yeah, no. Not all bottoms like big dicks na. And I’m not going to tell you I like a big dick, only to get in bed with you and end up crying into the sheets rather than moaning. Libido killer.

Him: Hmmm…

Me: Hmmm?

Then I gasp.

Me: You’ve got an anaconda?

Him: Hehehe. Not really. It’s sizable though. I’m sure you can handle it.

Me: Of course you’d say that. You wouldn’t want to discourage a potential hookup.

Him: LOL! Seriously, it’s not that big.

Me: So when are we meeting and where?

Him: ‘When’ should be Wednesday, when I have no lectures. And ‘where’ – that’s your call.

Me: Fine. My place.

Him: It’s a date then.

Me: Have I said how much I love confident men who tend to say so much more than they let on?

Him: Sweetheart, you just did.

Me: Oh.

Him: Lol. Do you have a bedroom secret?

Me: *thinking smiley*

Me: I love rimming. Both ways.

Him: You don’t say? *surprise smiley*

Me: That’s why I typed it. Lol

Him: Haha you are crazy.

Me: I know. *wink smiley* I have to run. Talk to you later.

Him: Alright.

***

DAY OF THE HOOK-UP

I am confident that we are now well acquainted, what with our chats and phone conversations. And today, he has called to say he is on his way.

I rush out of the toilet for the umpteenth time. There’s nothing like being too clean. I start ticking off all the hygiene boxes in my mental journal.

Douched? Check.

Last meal? Two hours ago.

Lube? Check.

Condom? Check.

Water? Check.

Clean room? Relative.

Clean body? Of course!

There is a knock on the door. I open to let him in. there is some talk, some chemistry, and then we are falling into each other. I go for his erection, while moving my body to engineer a 69. He seems to notice and stops me with four shocking words.

Him: I don’t suck dick.

Me: (lifting my head from his crotch) Huh?

Him: I don’t suck dick. It’s not just something I do.

Me: (now astounded) I am trying to understand what you are saying. You never told me this before.

Him: It never came up. We could do other stuffs.

Me: (irritation piling) Like?

Him: Umm kissing, nipple-play, rimming –

Me: But you like to be given blow-jobs, right?

Him: Of course. I’m topping you na.

Me: Oh really. A top is a man with a dick. I am also a man with a dick.

Him: But you won’t use it.

Me: Okay that’s it. I am not doing again.

I begin to rise from the bed.

Him: C’mon baby.

Me: Don’t call me that please.

Him: Seriously na, I’ll make it up to you.

He pulls at my arm, pouting his lips most deliciously. I relent and return to his embrace.

***

AFTER THE HOOK-UP

The air stinks of sex and cum. I reach across the bed to him for a kiss. This is how I like to end sex: nice, sensual and on a soft note.

He turns his head to me, sees my lips drawing close and recoils.

Him: No.

No? I am startled out of my languor.

Him: I don’t kiss after sex.

Me: (voltage surge) Excuse me?

Him: I don’t like to kiss after sex.

Me: And…(I drag the word emphatically) why is that?

Him: It’s just not what I do.

I gain an instant insight into his personality.

Me: Because it makes you gay?

Him: Well, yes.

Me: (laughing heartily) So you don’t think of yourself as gay.

Him: No. I’m not.

Me: Seeing as you just finished fucking boy pussy, pray tell, what are you then?

Him: I’m TB.

I stay quiet for a moment, nonplussed, genuinely confused. I’m wondering, isn’t ‘TB’ the ratchet word for gay in Nigeria?

Me: So you’re not gay but you are TB? What does that even mean?

Him: I think it’s clear what it means.

Me: No, it’s not. Please illuminate me. Isn’t TB another word for gay?

Him: No. I’m TB because I like to have sex with boys, but I cannot love them.

Me: You do girls too?

Him: Why not?

He says the words like I’m stupid for asking, for thinking he doesn’t do girls.

Me: Well, I don’t do girls.

Him: Why? The gay blood don enter your body well-well.

There is more voltage surge within me, and I find myself breathing hollowly. Not today, Satan. Not today.

Me: So this is why you don’t suck dick?

Him: (shrugging) Maybe.

Me: Hmm. Cool.

Him: Really?

Me: Absolutely not. As a matter of fact, get up from my bed. It’s a gay bed. It has endured too many gay asses, dicks and kissing after sex. You don’t want to get too comfortable.

He looks startled by my display of temper. Then he begins to rise.

Him: Okay o. But won’t you give me something?

My breathing stops momentarily.

Me: Something? Like what?

Him: Money na. At least for the work I did.

WTF!

At this point, I begin to give in to Satan’s temptation, looking around for something – anything that can get into the human body, draw blood without necessarily causing death.

Me: You are crazy!

Him: Come on, it hasn’t reached like that.

Me: Shut up please! You came here on your accord to fuck me, to satisfy yourself too. Not like you were very good at it. As a matter of fact, you don’t come close.

Him: Ah! Baby, stop saying that –

Me: Shut up. Stop calling me ‘baby’. And let me finish! You are coming for a hookup and you didn’t come with anything. No lube, no condom, no good foreplay skills, no good brains, not a dime of integrity, not a single grain of love for your person, not a pint of respect for me. And now, you want something? I’ll say it again. You are crazy!

Him: But you enjoyed the fuck na.

Me: Yes. About as much as you would enjoy being thrown into the streets without your clothes on if you don’t leave here right now!

Him: Okay o. Na you carry gay for head. You must marry woman one day, shey you know?

He is starting to get dressed now.

Me: You may never find sense anytime soon sha.

Him: You are just a nonsense human being.

Me: Says the person who thinks there’s a difference between TB and being gay.

He stomps out of the room, and I slam the door, a satisfying good riddance to his bad rubbish.

Written by Delle

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61 Comments

  1. Lorde
    March 17, 07:43 Reply

    Lol ive been in your shoes…..There is nothing worse than knowing someone as mentally challenged as that just entered You, I spent about two hours in the shower, thinking I could wash off the IH he sprayed on me

    • Mandy
      March 17, 08:18 Reply

      ???? u just want to scrub off all that low IQ he rubbed on you during sex.

    • Delle
      March 17, 13:13 Reply

      ?????
      I wonder why I did not think of that, Lorde

  2. mizta dee
    March 17, 07:50 Reply

    This reply was eet for me mehn, Savage 10.0??????”Me: Shut up. Stop calling me ‘baby’. And let me finish! You are coming for a hookup and you didn’t come with anything. No lube, no condom, no good foreplay skills, no good brains, not a dime of integrity, not a single grain of love for your person, not a pint of respect for me. And now, you want something? I’ll say it again. You are crazy!”

    • Mandy
      March 17, 08:19 Reply

      I swear that was some serious telling. ???

    • y
      March 17, 16:21 Reply

      I follow you on twitter. Nasty girl;-)

  3. Jo
    March 17, 08:12 Reply

    Lol..I dont suck dick because it makes me gay…Lmao. The idiocy

  4. Mandy
    March 17, 08:21 Reply

    The land of self denial where this one is living eh, even with a compass and a fully fueled transport, we wouldn’t be able to find him and rescue him. Ptueh!

    • Delle
      March 17, 13:14 Reply

      ?????
      I can’t stop laughing

  5. Rapum
    March 17, 08:31 Reply

    “I am not (gay)… I am TB.”

    ME: Falls off chair.

    “You are coming for a hookup and you
    didn’t come with anything. No lube, no condom, no good foreplay skills, no good brains, not a dime of integrity, not a single grain of love for your person, not a pint of respect for me. And now, you want something? I’ll say it again. You are crazy!”

    ME: Falls off ground!

    Lmmfao!!!!

    I knew it was Delle, from the tone. Oya oh, Facebook, under-g. Come and tell me who this mumu is.

  6. Jidenna
    March 17, 08:49 Reply

    This story just came handy for me. I invited a hook up last night that was almost like that one in that story. It was really from hell. Just after reading this, I tapped him and told him “get up from my bed. It’s a gay bed. It has endured too many gay asses, dicks and kissing after sex. You don’t want to get too comfortable” It’s morning and you can go.
    Dude looked me surprised. “I said go!” I shouted in Annalise’s voice. Dude stood up, picked nd wore his pant, and other things nd left.

    • Delle
      March 17, 13:16 Reply

      Lol. I trust Annalise’s voice to drive the message home

    • BRYAN PETERS
      March 17, 19:39 Reply

      Lmaooo. Analise’s voice. Dude didn’t know what hit him. ??????????

  7. Khaleesi
    March 17, 09:35 Reply

    sigh … this! is why i like to “interview” a man before we do the nasty … I chat with you and gently figure out what’s going on/or not going on in your head and then when we meet in person, i engage in conversation and subtly ask questions to ascertain if you’re an IH infested prick. If the IH levels are more than I can handle, no matter how yummy or juicy or hot he is, we’re done! IH repulses me almost as much as raw, naked homophobia itself … Nice piece!

    • Delle
      March 17, 13:19 Reply

      IH has always been the boner killer. Hotness and IH, never a good combo

  8. sinnex
    March 17, 10:36 Reply

    Mehn, the ‘I don’t suck and kiss’ guys plenty sha. They believe that kissing and sucking makes them less of a man, but they are the ones that would be the first to put their dick in your mouth. Not to talk of the ones that after they finish cumming, they would leave you out to dry, when you asked them to make you cum, they will say ‘wank na, I am tired’. Some guys are funny, sometimes you would think it is because of the kind of guys one is attracted to, but when you hear other people’s stories you would know that a lot of people actually do it. I laughed when the guy asked for money, a student asking another student for money. I thought ‘TB’s believe that it is the top that is supposed to give the bottom money and not the other way round.

    • Kristoff
      March 17, 12:17 Reply

      That’s why the Roles should be dissolved, we Versatiles do all that you desire, we can cook, pray, clean up, fuck, even breastfeed…? ? ?,
      Embrace Versatility today ? ?

      • Pink Panther
        March 17, 15:59 Reply

        ????? Kristoff is making a very good case for Versatiles

      • Bryann
        March 17, 17:51 Reply

        Kristoff…. ??????…. Just so they know versatiles are capable.

      • BRYAN PETERS
        March 17, 19:42 Reply

        Lmaooo. You got me @ pray and breastfeed. Versatile 10.0 fings. ????

      • cedar
        March 18, 04:16 Reply

        Honey pls tell them…lol

  9. KingBey
    March 17, 11:06 Reply

    But you still had sex with him….
    BTW, not every person likes to kiss after sex or suck dicks. I hardly kiss during sex hookups, or do any mushy stuff. All that is reserved for the one I’m dating. Because they come with emotion for me. So stop expecting much when you want to just have sex with an acquaintance.

    • Mandy
      March 17, 11:27 Reply

      I think it’s perfectly reasonable for one to expect that when you’re going to give sex your all, then the other person should do. Besides, you just gave a reason that makes your no-kissing rule seem tolerable. I don’t think Delle would’ve gotten so pissed if the guy gave a reason other than kissing makes him gay.

  10. OJ
    March 17, 11:47 Reply

    Fada Lawd! This right here is so not my portion! I’d chop his useless head off his miserable shoulders before he gets any chance to escape… WTF!!!

  11. Chuck
    March 17, 12:10 Reply

    why not do due diligence and ask beforehand? if you’re sleeping with a stranger don’t be surprised that there are things you don’t know.

    much ado about nothing. If he slapped bottoms or beat them up thats how you would have entered one chance too. You want to hookup and have the hookup follow all your rules, it’s up to you to select well.

    Did you even find out his STD/ herpes status?

    • Mitch
      March 17, 20:00 Reply

      You know, for someone who claims to be smart, you do say the stupidest things.

      Well, what else are we to expect? If Chuck doesn’t go against the crowd, who would? Clap for yasef

      • Chuck
        March 17, 22:40 Reply

        My opinion is different and reasonable. You haven’t disputed any of my points, but Just threw out insults. Soon you’ll write a blog post about why you keep having issues

        I use Grindr, and I filter out the men don’t want to chat with or meet. I actually ask questions, pay attention to the answers and so on. I don’t meet them and then blame them for not matching what I want.

        See the difference?

        • Delle
          March 18, 14:25 Reply

          I don’t know how you do it though. How you type, ” I hope you have no STIs cos contracting any isn’t on my bucket list.”
          or
          “Do you have IH?”

          How do you do it?

          • Tiercel de Claron
            March 18, 19:45 Reply

            You weren’t reticent talking about his “anaconda”,wouldn’t have cost you any talking things that matter to you on the bed.

            • Mitch
              March 18, 21:05 Reply

              This isn’t private but I need to say this publicly. Maybe this way, you’d get the message.

              Tiercel, GROW THE FUCK UP! You don’t matter to Delle in the ‘significance of things’ (to borrow your words). Your obsession with him is becoming irritating. Haba!

              If you like him, chat him up and tell him. Otherwise, absolutely refrain from making these idiotic comments about him. This would be the last time I’d warn you about this.

        • Mitch
          March 18, 20:58 Reply

          I don’t need to dispute stupidity. It’ll only make me stupid. Not as stupid as you, but reasonably close.

          Your ‘conversations’ with people on Grindr isn’t a standard for others.

          “I use Grindr, and I filter out the men don’t want to chat with or meet. I actually ask questions, pay attention to the answers and so on. I don’t meet them and then blame them for not matching what I want.”

          So, in your ‘overwhelming understanding’, Delle didn’t do that abi? Your foolishness is just beyond compare

      • Tiercel de Claron
        March 18, 19:40 Reply

        Chuck is right.
        Things like these he ought to have enquired of,before making the decision whether to get down with the person or not.
        I’m sure he didn’t find out if the mark believes in safe sex or not,till they got down dirty.
        How else is one to explain going for a hookup without condom,at least

  12. pete
    March 17, 12:16 Reply

    All I see is a dude who has a lot to learn. Being in a society like ours, the chances of being like the guy above is very high. We might have met them or heard stories. For casual hookups *shudders*, thought it was just the sex which can turn out to be good or bad.

    Outside from sex talks, didn’t you guys talk about other things before the hookup? It’ll help prevent a future reoccurrence.

  13. Gaya
    March 17, 13:00 Reply

    “I’m TB because i love to have sex with boys but can’t love them” isn’t that a perfect definition???

    • Delle
      March 17, 13:23 Reply

      Oh that’s what TB means? Pardon my not having the IH dictionary

  14. bain
    March 17, 13:32 Reply

    Reason why I don’t do hookups…
    before I’ll murder someone’s child, my tolerance level for idiotism is quite low.

  15. JamJam
    March 17, 13:57 Reply

    Your WhatsApp conversation with the dude was quite lit. Very well strung sensual sentences. He ain’t all that bad, afterall.

  16. Stein
    March 17, 16:42 Reply

    ” Not to talk of the ones that after they finish cumming, they would leave you out to dry, when you asked them to make you cum, they will say ‘wank na, I am tired’. Some guys are funny, sometimes you would think it is because of the kind of guys one is attracted to, but when you hear other people’s stories you would know that a lot of people actually do it. ”

    Sinnex, I know exactly what you mean! For the piece; IH level: to infinity and beyond

  17. Brian Collins
    March 17, 18:42 Reply

    Kai!!! It had to be Delle. Evul shaid. What will somborri not see?

  18. Johnny
    March 17, 19:32 Reply

    Lol. Na those illiterate guys dey do this. You will be like ‘Are you from Jupiter?’

  19. Mitch
    March 17, 20:03 Reply

    You know, when the stupid arse acted like a bitch queen on steroids when he saw me, I just had a feeling he’d be bad news for you. He’s just lucky my bitch crown wasn’t on that day.

    Nonsense and Commodities!

    • Mitch
      March 18, 21:13 Reply

      ?????I was particularly surprised at your homely attitude towards him.

      Luckily (or is that unluckily?), there would be no next time for you to bitch-slap him like I know you are dying to.

  20. KikiOpe
    March 17, 21:13 Reply

    Waawu! This right here is just one of the many reasons I hate the word/acronym “TB”, asides the fact that it’s sounds so displeasing to my ears, it just doesn’t do it for me. Mba!

    The guy’s naiveness and studipidity no be here at all. #smh The “Shut up. Stop calling me ‘baby’. And let me finish!” part though, cracked me up big time. Way to deal with him and his kind. Good riddance to bad rubbish, radarada. Mtchheewww!!!

  21. cedar
    March 18, 04:24 Reply

    Nna dis 1 ti strong for me. One word 4 dis guy: jerk. And to think someone like dis just banged me

  22. .•*Sugaar.•*
    March 18, 07:41 Reply

    ??‍♂️ ewoooo
    Chai!
    Am sophocating …
    where is my gun!
    Can’t find it but acid would do him better.
    Oya go and deal with the treatment
    Bitch

  23. KingBey
    March 19, 05:22 Reply

    When is love and sex in the city coming back? Pink panther bia here osiso!

  24. Sage
    March 19, 22:11 Reply

    Hahahaha”You may never find sense anytime soon sha” that cracked me up. I don’t know about u guy oh, menh I hate it when a gay guy is identified or call TB abeg just call me a similar meaning of gay #happy e.g Sage is happy???

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