FOOL ME ONCE
“Hian! Ace, can’t you see he writes like a bottom?” Jeremy said as I showed him the photos of my new online hookup, Dike. The way he said the word ‘Bottom’ would be the exact same way you would describe someone dying of leprosy. “Wait oh! Don’t tell me you actually believe this guy’s claim of being Top with all this his ‘Bottom-Writing. Lesbianism! Ptueh!”
I asked how he could so quickly discern and reach this conclusion that this guy I’d spent a good deal of time getting to know is Bottom merely from the way he writes. “I have done all my research,” I said to Jeremy, “and he doesn’t pout, look at his feet or pull his tongue sideways or touch the side of his face in his pictures.”
“Then, my friend, you never open eye wella!” Jeremy countered. “Can’t you see the way he writes on social media like (here, he calls the name of a certain dread-locked media personality who got his fame from BBA)… Can’t you see all the yarns and bitchy words like ‘wink-wink’, ‘toodles’, ‘goodnight chums’, and the way he overuses the word ‘dear’ and other divalicious expressions all over his timeline?”
The truth was I’d noticed all that, but the brother is fine as fuck, you know, one of those guys you never believed would chat with you because they seem too cute to reply their inboxes. That was how I imagined Dike to be. He was just an instant boner-giver, and he was dark-skinned! You know a guy is pretty damn hot when he is dark skinned and cute as hell.
I could recall the number of times I had to edit a comment before I post it so as not to sound too feminine; and it bothered me that Jeremy may be right. I told myself I didn’t mind Dike being Bottom because I am Versatile. But Jeremy’s assertions kicked up a storm of misgivings and questions, like why Dike would lie about his role. What if we finally got to meet as planned and he didn’t perform his professed role properly? Disappointment began to nip at my mind, and as though a huge mole was taken off my eyes, I started to see all his “bottom-writing”. I started scrutinizing every comment and update he made, looking for more hints buttressing this new discovery. This put a huge strain on our acquaintanceship, and I found myself withdrawing from him, to the point I didn’t notice his updates had stopped appearing on my timeline after a while.
And then not so long ago, I was chatting with Luke, a friend from back home. As our conversation progressed, Jeremy popped up as a topic of discuss. “Guy, you don see one fine guy wey dey go out with Jeremy now?” Luke said. “Damn! The guy is fine! His name is Dike.”
Feeling a sudden premonition, I pulled out my tablet to look for Dike in my friend list, and only just then discovered that he wasn’t in it. I couldn’t find him. I got really curious, not that I was that bothered, but the thought that Jeremy would decide to hook up with somebody that he had fought so hard, with every derogatory word in the book, to discourage me from associating with made my head quake.
After some online digging, I was able to get back to Dike. His first words when we reconnected in a chat were, “Wow! Where have you been? I stopped seeing you online, what happened? I missed you.”
“You blocked me on Facebook,” I replied.
“What? I never did,” he disagreed. “I noticed you stopped chatting with me like you used to and I let you be. I would never block you.”
He progressed to check his block list on Facebook and saw that I was indeed blocked. He unblocked me, we reconnected, and – Boom! – I saw them…endless pictures of him and Jeremy all over his timeline. Then it became obvious to me that Jeremy had fancied Dike and found a way to hook up with him and subsequently sever my connection with him. Was the dick that good? I wondered with a laugh. Or had his guilt eaten into him so much he couldn’t imagine me discovering?
These bitches ain’t loyal.
I felt some pity for him and wished them both a good love life. Some friends ain’t shit and they don’t even try.
Written by Ace
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91 Comments
Francis
September 10, 05:37Na wa oh. Like seriously?! WTF? Una still dey friend una selves?
Mitch
September 10, 06:09Back-stabbers! Tueh!
Francis
September 10, 06:12By the way, have you warned Dike to watch him back well well?
Mandy
September 10, 06:20Ace, you don’t entirely have my empathy on this issue. It’s not as if Jeremy’s deception was a masterful one. All he did was malign the guy you like with the flimsiest opinion – that he’s bottom. And you let that sway you. If that could happen, one might question the strength of your attraction for Dike or the extent of your devotion to your friendship with Dike. I actually applaud Jeremy. At least he saw what he wanted and went for it, his friendship with you be damned. He deserves Dike. You don’t. The next time you fancy someone, don’t let idiotic sentiments from other people sway you.
Francis
September 10, 06:28?? Oh boy you harsh oh though I see your point sha. Still Jeremy na…. I no even get better adjective to describe am.
Max
September 10, 08:01I concur with you Mandy. He’s still trapped in the mental slavery of roles. Thats why his mindset changed about the guy.
HAPPYGUY
September 10, 13:36True… letting other ppls opinion determine what u do is trash…
Slim Emmanuel
September 10, 06:30Uhmmm.. Bottoms now have a style of writing? That’s a new one.
Pink Panther
September 10, 06:33Apparently, you weren’t around on KD when it was opined that Bottoms also have a certain type of English vocabulary. lol. #ChucklingAtThoseGoodTimes
#Chestnut
September 10, 06:48Pinky,I remember those good times!!!!Shebi “rubbish” was one of the words that Tops aren’t allowed to use/end a sentence with?(E,g,”the 4th season of #AmericanHorrorStory is just RUBBISH!”)Lol
Pink Panther
September 10, 06:53Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaa!!! I can’t. I just can’t.
Ace
September 11, 18:05Lol! And how carrying two 50 liters of water made you a man. Good times. Good times indeed.
McGray
September 10, 07:07And u actually withdrew from him because ‘A friend’ told u he is a bottom?
#Chestnut
September 10, 07:55No,actually,d friend told him d guy “writes” like a bottom. Very soon we’ll start hearing how ppl “eat” like bottoms/tops and “sleep” like bottoms/tops and “drive” like bottoms/tops…lol, I can just imagine it: “can’t u see he washes his clothes like a bottom/top?…can’t u see boils water like a top/bottom?” Hehehe…I can’t.
Max
September 10, 07:58Dangers and disadvantages of role categorization. Once your friend told you he was bttm, because you already have a twisted mindset that bttms are sissies and weak, your mind started playing tricks with you. This short story shows a glimpse of how shallow and stupid the whole role thing is.
McGray
September 10, 08:37Lol. Chesnut iburo mmadu. Max shouldn’t we call it ‘Internalised Rolephobia’?? #AskingInnocently
Pink Panther
September 10, 08:45Rolephobia… Hahahahahahahaa
Pink Panther
September 10, 08:45I knew Max would hop on this.
Slim Emmanuel
September 10, 08:04Lol. Chestnut.
All these labeling and categorizing… you start a conversation and you just can’t settle and flow.. constantly looking out for signs if he’s a top or bottom. Then when you can’t figure, 3 minutes into the conversation.. the questions pops. “What’s your role?” Lol
A-non
September 10, 08:45Ace, heavens know I have no kind words for you at the moment.
#serioushandfalling
Ace
September 11, 17:45Hahaha! It is not like that now. How did I fall your hand? Baby please tell me.
Kristopher
September 10, 08:50What’s wrong with people acknowledging their role and going for what they like? KDians and trying to come off too correct…. The same people here are the same one that jump at asking a person’s role in private chats…. Yes, I know you.
Ace
September 11, 17:47My guy help me ask abeg. I said I didn’t mind his role. Moreover, this was a long time ago! Ignorance changes with time. I didn’t know the things I know now then. Lol! People just dey pull out their gun of political correctness.
Slim Emmanuel
September 10, 09:22Kristopher, there’s nothing wrong with people going for what they like. Maybe it’s just me, but it’s a turn off asking for roles first thing in a conversation. Maybe it’s because I don’t do hookups and I want at least a foundation of friendship first.. before the sex related talks.
Francis
September 10, 09:59LMAO
Diablo
September 10, 10:05Jeremy* reminds me of a fat black friend of mine; I was a struggling student then and landed myself a suga daddy, who had horrible teeth and a protruding belly and who I only dated because he was loaded and splurged on me. This guy saw my pic on my fat black friend’s phone and dts how we meet. Thinking I had a good friend, i’d foolishly tell my friend how the guy was respulsive in bed, and how I was only managing him cause he had the money. What i didnt know was dt my ‘friend’ would screengrab our convo and send it to the guy who I was now dating.
Safe to say the relationship didnt last, and I only got to find out why years later, after I and my ex reconnected . I never confronted this friend, we still talk and he’s under the impression that we are still friends . So moral of the story, never trust a fat black homosexual
Tiercel de Claron
September 10, 10:20Moral of the story: Be upfront with your man,if you must have him for an atm.
Your friend was looking out for his friend,they’d been friends before the man met you.
Diablo
September 10, 10:39I forgot to mention that this was a friend i’d known since childhood,who i’d come to trust and who I was extremely close to.In retrospect it wasn’t wise of me to indulge in him but when the chips are down, my fat friend was and still is a jealous, petty and diabolic person
Max
September 10, 11:06I don’t see any anti-fat shamers today clawing @Diablo, or is it because it wasn’t written by max?
Hello Peak, Deola, MM, Mercury, Dennis
Tiercel de Claron
September 10, 11:12You keep referring to him as fat,in an insulting way.That says you two weren’t really friends,even if you’d known each other from the cradle.
Still,my point is he is in the right watching out for his friend.You can’t say you know how tight the bond of their association was.
And you are not blameless in the matter,btw.If you wanted the man only for what you can gain from him,you should have made that known from the get-go,than lead him on.
Believe me when I say a lot of older guys can be quite understanding and obliging,so far as all the cards are laid on the table from the beginning.
Keredim
September 10, 11:20“If you wanted the man only for what you can gain from him,you should have made that known from the get-go,than lead him on…”
TdC I beg for which country be that… Make I pack my load come dia one time ?
Tiercel de Claron
September 10, 13:54This much maligned country,actually.
You think such don’t exist here?.
keredim
September 10, 14:31You mean I will tell a rich fat sugar daddy upfront that I am only in it for what I can get from him, and he will accept and proceed with the arrangement?!??!
Chuck
September 11, 18:03If he is unattractive he can’t be unobservant too. he will know you’re faking it.
Diablo
September 10, 13:11Maybe to you its right to snitch on your friends to their boyfriends, which speaks volumes of the type of person you are. As for me, I’m done with friends like that.
Tiercel de Claron
September 10, 14:01Quite the leap you made there,deducing the type of person I am.
I only held up a mirror to your face,so gleeful were you casting them stones when you’re not without blemish yourself.
Diablo
September 10, 16:13Girl pls.
Ven
September 10, 16:40I have to assume you’re trolling and this was written with the intention of pissing people off. Wouldn’t have happened if you’d just done what a boy toy is supposed to do and not gone shooting your mouth off
kacee
September 10, 10:13guys pls stop judging him jare, sorry Ace boo boo, now u’ve learnt ur lesson (smile) MM where are u love? if i was the one who had a back stabbing friend like that…… hmmmm
Max
September 10, 11:08This thing with you and MM is becoming quite unsettling. I need to sever those ties. *evil grin*
kacee
September 10, 17:38jealous much lol
JArch
September 10, 11:14**Stares at Kacee and then at MM**
I have asoebi, asoke, hollandis wax and gele of all sorts when you’re ready. Would it be gold or purple slippers? Am leaving for Dubai tomorrow so let me know which ones to buy.
Where’s Mercury? Mbok come and pitch your tenth and collect contract to cook afang soup and jollof rice oo!!!
This wedding might happen anytime soon
kacee
September 10, 17:38*blushing*
HAPPYGUY
September 10, 10:30Find bae n date him… its a big mistake telling friends about who you date… most so called friends are not happy when you find sth they can never find…
JArch
September 10, 10:33Hmmm Ace… As much as I understand the POV of previous commenters comes from, yours is also understandable as well. You felt what’s the point of your friendship with this guy if everything is built on lies.
Notwithstanding, you should be more firm in terms giving others the benefit of the doubt and experiencing things first hand, rather than listening to “he said, she said, they said”
Remember the ONE SIZE FIT ALL store illustration from yesterday. Thou shall not operate such kind of store in your life.
HAPPYGUY
September 10, 10:38True…
Keredim
September 10, 11:16Ace ndo. Chalk it up to part of growing up and life experience.
It could have been worse. Jeremy could have emptied your bank account.
Oya, ?On to the next one. On to the next one?
??????
Max
September 10, 11:20Every commenter here has been busy talking about how bad his friend is. Blah blah blah… They failed to see the real issue. If someone else is able to convince you to change your attitude towards someone just because of a perceived role, then you’re the one to blame, not the friend.
Even though I have a great disdain for backstabbing bitches, I think you deserve what you got.
Thats what you get when you keep wondering which role that people play, how they talk/type blah blah blah.
Roles are just plain silly, destroys conversations faster than anything and kills people’s feelings for each otherbecause they think they should be with a guy that acts in a particular way.
Change of mindset is the key. As long as we keep boxing gay men and making ourselves incompatible with each other, this kind of unnecessary and avoidable debacle will continue to happen, and gay men will keep talking about having a scarcity of tops and other stupid comments I’ve come to hear so far. Everyone can fuck…and everyone can be fucked. We all have dicks and asses and the moment we start cuming through the ass, I’ll withdraw my statement.
The so called bttms get married too and fuck holes and have babies, but somehow claim they can’t fuck a dude. Bitch please, stop deluding yourself. There’s no Top or bottom. Its a façade created by gay people so they could fit into a world that isn’t so welcoming of them.
Teflondon
September 10, 11:47Jeremy if you are reading this right now.. Just know am proud of you son.
Ace
September 11, 17:52Lmao! I guess you both would make great friends.
Khaleesi
September 10, 11:54Lol, funny as hell, I still don’t believe how your “friend” was able to convince you to drop what looked like a good thing under the premise that he might be a bottom … wow! … am truly amazed … anyways, am sure you’ve learned, move and, receive brains and be wiser!
@Max, yes everyone can potentially fuck and be fucked, but i’ve met guys who genuinely wish to bottom but just cant, they feel too much physical and psychological discomfort from doing it, and they aren’t faking it, some guys are simply not designed to be bottom no matter how much they crave a dick, in the same vein, i’ve also seen guys who desire to be top, but when an lubed up ass is placed in front of them, they can’t seem to work up and effective erection, its mainly psychological i guess, but then it is what it is, stick to what you’re most comfortable doing … if you’re more wired to be a top then by all means smash that booty real good, if bottoming is your field, then gurl, take that dick like a pro …. own it and be proud of it!
Keredim
September 10, 12:31High five Khaleesi ✋?✋?
In MAXville, there are only two colours.. Black and White. Residents can only pick one.
Max
September 10, 14:12So when it comes to topping and bottoming, everything becomes black and white? No grey areas like you normally preach?
Now clap for yourself ???
Tiercel de Claron
September 10, 14:20You missed his point,again.
Keredim
September 10, 14:47TdC lef am for dia….
He was to argue all day then change is position (no pun intended) in his own unique way.?
Max
September 10, 16:26I don’t change my position in an argument unless someone comes up with a better fact. And I didn’t miss your point.
You wanna be free to be fucking from Europe to Antarctica without being asked to be fucked and without being judged for it, I get that(you and your top mentality).
But just because its your “Opinion” doesnt make it right.
keredim
September 10, 17:28“But just because its your “Opinion” doesn’t make it right”
Do you reflect on yourself before you press send? For fuck’s sake, this is what you do. You spew out unsubstantiated facts based on your very limited experience and state it as a general characteristic.
What drugs are you on!?!?
And why are you so hung up on roles?? If you meet someone and you are not sexually compatible, you move the fuck on!! Try someone else till you find your fucking fit. Why does everything have to a struggle with you?
Is it any wonder the “hoes” don’t hang about??!
Max
September 10, 19:05Oops, seems like I hit a nerve.
Keredim
September 10, 19:59Perhaps you did, nonetheless I think I over-reacted.
When I read your comments below I remembered your condition – Bipolar Disorder.
I shall be more considerate next time, completely insensitive of me.?
Francis
September 10, 20:01??? The two of you sha.
Max
September 10, 20:55Hahahahahahaha ???. People who have died suffering from bipolar would roll in their grave about your grossly insensitive comment. For someone who’s spent over 4 decades on this planet, you come off as childish most times with your whore-hopping on people’s comment. Bipolar disorder is a mental disease and trying score cheap points on a virtual online blog with the illness says a lot about the kind of human being you are. Its like making fun of people that live with HIV by saying someone is HIv positive or calling someone autistic .Shame on you. Tuehh **spits all over your steroid fat filled belly**
You’ve shown just how petty you can be.
Francis
September 10, 20:59Bet Max, wait first. Make we tell ourselves the truth, you can be VERY VOLATILE sha which leaves peeps wondering if all is well with you.
*Ngwa feel free to pounce*
Max
September 10, 22:04Lol. I’m not gonna pounce. I’ve tracked your comments since the first day you commented here and I can say you don’t come off as malicious. I’m not volatile, I just have a low tolerance for BS. Anger management issues too which is a work in progress. And I’m never scared to confront people anytime any day, so I often come off as a trouble maker. All my friends say I’m crazy
Some say I’ll die lonely
Some say I’m too rigid
Some say I’m too strict with my principles
Etc. Each and everyone has an opinion about me, and I also have one for them too.
I also don’t respect people based on age, I show respect based on content of character. I’ve always hated the idea of people telling you to respect your elders, even though some of them are stupid as hell.
Francis
September 10, 22:37I reject all those ones for us IJN.
At this point, I feel like playing shrink but that would be robbing Sensei of his duties. lol. You come off a really nice person who’s just pissed as f**k at the world. lol. #UnrequitedLoveDrama #ImJustSpeakingFromExperience
Still dealing with my own issues too.
Max
September 11, 06:21Yeah, nice person who’s pissed at the world. That just about sums it up.
sinnex
September 10, 16:28This is some crazy shit.
Anyone, one or two people have told me that I was lying about my role because I told them I was verse. They said I chat like a bottom because I reply every messages and write long messages. They expect a verse or top to be cold or something. SOme people are stupid sha.
Max
September 10, 16:38Can I give you an honest advice, stay away from all Nigerian gay men(this is the very evil side of me speaking). They’re all the same. Silly-thinking idiots. Hoes, cheap tramps, trashy bitches and classless losers, who are only after one thing, sex and sez alone. You don’t find love.. I’ve been looking for it for 8 years and each time I get too close, I get burnt. But then that foolish part of me wouldn’t give up just like the rest of them who gave up on love and are now on a mission to fuck as many people as possible before the beagle of marriage calls. They’re too thirsty to stay faithful, believe what they’re doing is right and don’t even dream about stopping, they go around hurting the younger ones and creating a bad reputation about gay people in their minds. With this kind of attitude, we won’t get Anywhere, you won’t find love and you’re doomed to ever live without love.. The only one you’ll get is from your children’s eyes when you finally get married like you want to and have kids. Their happiness will be your happiness and their life will be a light to you in your darkness when all hope seems to be lost.
Diablo
September 10, 17:21lol you’re a clown.
Keredim
September 10, 17:45(TdC have got this? I have a “client” to attend to.)?
Tiercel de Claron
September 10, 17:50I’m not going to touch that one,not without a very long pole.
Max
September 10, 19:09An unofficial old sex worker should know better. ??
Max
September 10, 16:43Advice two(from compassionate part of me), just be patient, you’ll find love.. Eventually, it might take forever but when it finally happens, it’ll be the best thing that ever happened to you. Good men are hard to find, but they exist. If it makes you feel better, straight ppl aren’t finding it easy either. Don’t shut your heart towards love, you’ll become a monster if you do and looking back you won’t be able to recognize yourself in a mirror. Gay people around the world have a way of life already, you don’t have to follow it, you don’t have to bend to their rules of top & bottom and other silly categorizations which they do. Just do your thing and youll be fine☺ 🙂
Tiercel de Claron
September 10, 17:47And I pray you take your compassionate advice too,Max.
Maybe the two of you should get together,give it a try.
Who knows……..lightning may strike
Max
September 10, 19:11Shouldn’t you be on your way home inside BRT? ?
Tiercel de Claron
September 10, 19:46Nah,I don’t hop BRT.Never been in one,in fact.
Sinnex
September 10, 20:03What is wrong with BRT?
What about people like us who enter molue and keke Marwa or abi Napep …
Tiercel de Claron
September 10, 21:45I “enter” keke marwa/napep too,but brt hopping………mbanu
Max
September 10, 20:58One of you evil bishes always talk about BRT. Either you or diablo.
Honestly, I can’t tell the difference b/w your comments sometimes.
Maybe its because both of you are evil. ??
Tiercel de Claron
September 10, 21:51Well,you couldn’t tell the difference….you’re confused those times
Max
September 10, 22:09I’m even shocked that a proclaimed TOP like you would be using such a moniker. Claron ?. Are you sure you’re not a “confused” bottom? I remember you’ve called me that once, Oh and you type like a bottom too. ??????
Tiercel de Claron
September 10, 23:09Ah Maxie,pick up a book and read.
Or better still,travel and learn.
It’s de Claron,a title of nobility.
Max
September 11, 06:45Noble or not, It still sounds feminine to me.
Panther
September 11, 06:46And that is wrong because?
Max
September 11, 16:59Read the comment trail. My first comment to him was sarcasm, since I don’t believe in roles and other silly categorization that goes on around here, I used his love for categorization against him, showing him how he’ll be perceived by others. Claron is feminine and for someone who claims top and writes a whole lot of grammer all at once, he’ll be perceived as a bottom. Now that’s gonna be annoying to him isn’t it?
But it shouldn’t be that way, but then it is what it is. When you believe in categorization, certain things which shouldn’t matter to you start becoming a burden, you constantly worry about how you should act and talk etc so you won’t be mis-categorized.
The fact that I pointed out how feminine claron sounded wasn’t because I was trying to be malicious, I was merely pointing out the flaw in “Categorization”
Diablo
September 11, 07:35LOL! you should do stand up! You have the right amount of bitterness and frustration to pull it off.!
Max
September 11, 17:02@Diablo, you should be on one of those TV shows where people learn how to cook, I bet that’s the only valuable skill you have apart from your regular midnight spreading.
Pink Panther
September 11, 17:45*wince*
Stranger
September 10, 23:45Sinnex, stop struggling for attention. You’ll only keep getting ignored and honestly, it pains me when I see your comments die without a response. Breathe. Its not by force to be popular.
diokpa
September 11, 11:16when you judge others, you judge yourself
Ace
September 11, 17:42I leave KD for one day! Just one day! And come back to see this? LMAO. I haven’t even read the comments. Totally forgot I even sent this. LMAO!
Ace
September 11, 18:01First, for the folks that said I fell their hand, I don’t know how to react to that. But all I will say is don’t use of old event to judge my present.
Two, please it is not that serious. Actually, it was never serious. I wasn’t even angry or pained. I just had a revelation if who true friends are and how desperate people could be. No love lost AT ALL. I have moved on to wayyyyy better things.