THE MAXIAN RULE BOOK

• If he says, “I can’t date or marry a guy”, remind him that he also shouldn’t be lusting after or fucking one either. Then find a suitable tall building and throw him off it (he doesn’t deserve better anyway).

• If he cheats on you and comes back to tell you how much he loves you, visit a babalawo and have a doll made out in his likeness with a pin aimed for the heart.

• If he wants to dive in without, take him on a trip to any nearby teaching hospital to reset his confused mind.

• If he tells you to stop flinging your hands and being a diva, direct him to Oshodi under bridge, Ojuelegba or Tejuosho where he can find #RealMen.

• If he asks which team you play for, tell him you play for #TeamDeleteAssholes and wipe his sorry existence from your life.

• If he asks “TB?” while getting to know you, give him direction to TB Joshua’s ministry in Ikotun.

• If he calls you bro after a good shag, dump his ass, but not before slapping the bejesus out of him.

• If he says he can’t take a D up his ass, show him an atlas that directs him out of your house and delete his number.

• If he calls you bro in front of his straight friends and then tries to cuddle you when they’re gone, tell him to call one of them for the cuddling session.

• If he tells you, “…it’s not like we’re getting married or anything”, slice him up with a meat cleaver and feed him to any stray dogs you can find.

• If he doesn’t wanna wash his cakes properly before sex, direct him to a pig sty; there he’ll find like-minded folks.

• If he says he says “I don’t kiss or suck, I just fuck”, aim your leg up his ass in a flying kick out of your house and life.

• If he cannot pronounce the word ‘gay’, serve him your #IDontWannaDoYouAnymore papers, because he’s fucking disgusting.

• If he tells you to man up in public, draw him closer, smack his cakes, kiss him and abandon him there.

• If he wants sex all the time, tell him to invest in a sex doll.

• If he tells you to cook for him, warn him that there could be poison in the jollof rice.

• If he fat shames you, remind him of his bulbous mother.

• If he slim shames you, remind him of his emaciated father.

• If he says, “I would’ve married you if you were a girl”, introduce him to Caitlyn Jenner.

• If he says things like “…this is just a game”, show him the door and put up a CLOSED sign for his benefit.

• If he cheats on you with your friend, get voodoo dolls for both of them and burn the crotch with a gas lighter.

• If he says he only likes rough sex, direct him to Ibadan zoo to meet one of the baboons. I hear they’ll fuck anything including a horny human asshole.

• If he insists on BDSM, get a good akpulekwe or koboko from a good aboki and flog the spirit of Christian Grey out of him.

• If he types “Scat?” on Grindr, report him to the authorities as a terrorist for promoting such sexual felony, so he’ll never enter any food shop in his life again.

• If his profile says “Only straight acting dudes, no femmes please”, troll on his silly, internalized homophobic ass and then block him.

• If he says, “I only do working class please”, tell him to get off his ratchet high goat, because he’s sure as hell not even qualified to ride a horse.

• If he says, “You’re the man, so you’re supposed to foot the bills” while on a date, excuse yourself to the bathroom and abandon his Housewife Mentality ass.

• If he says, “How can you know you don’t like pussy if you’ve never tried it”, tell him to jump off a three storey building and tell you if he liked it when he’s done.

• If he tells you he’s a religious person, tell him to join the monastery and stop asking you for sex, since ‘Gad’ is against it.

• If he says he was “converted”, refer him to TB Joshua’s anti-conversion programme. Provide him with swimming trunks since there might be swimming involved.

• If he starts sending texts like “I miss you” after a one night stand, tell him to go pick his common sense where he left it.

• If he fucks you like a hoe, but you like being fucked like a Disney princess, poop on his Dick and tell him to go fuck himself.

• If he tells you he has a girlfriend while ya’ll are driving home, stop the car and push him out in the middle of the express road before an oncoming trailer. Nansense!!!

Written by Max