Some days ago, because I was feeling an itch for sex, I got on my phone and downloaded Grindr. I filled out a profile and waited for someone to slide into my inbox. I think I always know to expect to be annoyed whenever I’m on Grindr (I’ve had to uninstall the app from my phone too many times, because of how annoying people on there get). And as expected, I had to ignore some really annoying messages that streamed in. I just wanted to find a good fuck and move on.

I finally decided to check out some profiles. I am typically interested in profiles that describe a “tall, not skinny/slim guy, who speaks and writes good English” – but of course, there’ll always be guys who know nothing about their statistics. On this day, there was no one impressive close to me.

And then, just as I was about to reconcile myself with the futility of finding a hookup, someone new appeared beside me suddenly. I was about to send a message when he sent “Sup”.

I tapped on his display photo again, his profile appeared and I saw 33 as his age. I became interested automatically. I didn’t pay much attention to the rest of his profile.

And so, our conversation ensued thus:

First of all, I am not Bottom, but it felt like a horror novel as I read his messages In the last two screenshots.

You see, there’s this guy I kept finding on Grindr every time I reinstalled it to hook up. He’d always suggest a video call. And when I called, he would position himself in such a way that I’d only be able to see a silhouette of his head. If I ask him for a photo, he’d send someone else’s photograph. I got to find out from another guy I met, who actually did know him, that the picture he keeps sending was not his. Every single time we bumped into each other on Grindr, it was the same routine. I got irritated and because of this guy, I generally stopped every conversation when It got to “let’s video call.” It was thenceforth a social media username or nothing. If a guy is not comfortable giving up his social media usernames or anything that positively identifies him, then he’s either trying to catfish or he’s looking for kito prey.

Clearly, this time, it was not the case, right?

That’s by the way. Let’s just completely ignore me getting catfished or getting in trouble from dealing with someone who is quite possibly kito scum, and focus on something else instead.

I get really put off by the type of people I find on Grindr, but eventually, I get over their stupidity. However, this one really pushed a button. It is bad enough that straight men lord this irritating sense of superiority over women and make a lot of them lose self-esteem; but then, to bring it over to the gay community as well? Looking down on Bottoms and effeminate men and every guy that is not masculine enough to fit the profile of guy you favour?

That is just bullshit!

It transcends to placing guys like that beneath you, as though you’re better than they are. And this is based on what proof exactly? That you are the one who dominates in bed or that you are able to walk without swinging your hips? The annoying thing is that this sense of superiority isn’t even exclusive to gay men who identify as tops. I have met a lot of men, a lot of them with big egos – Tops, Bottoms, Versatiles, even a Side who I eventually had sex with. Guys like this have this disgusting “Na Dem Dey Rush Us” attitude that never fails to put me off. I don’t think it is a bad thing for one to have a healthy sense of self, to feel important. As a matter of fact, everyone is important to someone in the community – everyone, whether you are serving dick or ass. We’re all necessary for someone else’s sex drive.

As long as sex is something the gay community thrives with, you are important. But it isn’t enough reason for one to put others down. It’s actually funny how some people try to make others feel less than, just so they can control them to get what they want. I remember chatting with a man on Manjam a while ago. I was not attracted to him but I went ahead and gave him my phone number for us to move over to Whatsapp (I have a knack for knowing people I am not going to do well with from the way they text). He was very persistent about us meeting and I did not want to shut him down rudely. But I had to let him know that what he wanted was never going to happen, so I texted him: “I am not attracted to you… I just want to let you know… I don’t want you to get upset after this…”

But the nigga flipped!

He went from Prince Charming to a Disney Villain in three seconds, getting all nasty and cussing at me. Then he finished up by blocking me on Manjam. However, much later, after weeks, he sent an apology on WhatsApp. He said he felt insulted by what I said, that I hurt his ego, so he did what he did to get me to feel bad and run after him. Of course his plan didn’t work, but it had me thinking about how toxic guys can get in their manipulation of others.

I’ll admit that at a certain time, I wanted nothing to do with excessively feminine males. But I fell in love with someone (he has long since passed away) who helped me understand that nobody likes to be put in a position where they would have to tell a lie and do things that make them sad in order to please society. I had to learn to respect people and their choices; in fact, I felt like I had come late to the party because everywhere I looked, I saw someone who was accepting of everything.

It’s okay to not be attracted to someone else. It’s okay to not want to be friends with a person. But when it comes to your opinion of that person or people, so far as it’s not in line with that person’s social advancement and everyday positivity, if your opinion puts people down and makes them think less of themselves and who they are, BE QUIET! We do not need that type of negativity in the world mbok. There’s already so much going on.

Written by Jinchuriki

Next The Lie Of “I Love You”

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Previously on SIDE TO SIDE… * As much as I hate talking about it, I have come to realise that my interactions, actions, art designs and reactions to things, however


  1. Holmes
    August 20, 05:37 Reply

    The last part of that convo tho!!

    • Mandy
      August 20, 06:58 Reply

      I swear, that was a mic drop conclusion!

  2. Mandy
    August 20, 07:00 Reply

    Gay men, when they were writing the Bible, that the man is the head and his partner should be submissive, they did not write it for you people ooo! Leave ? heteronormative ? bullshit ? alone ???!!!

  3. Dojutsu
    August 22, 20:12 Reply

    First, I don’t do Grindr. Second, I don’t like effeminate males but I’m careful not to tell them to their face. So far they are averagely intelligent but your experience is indeed interesting because I’ve had similar experiences. Average intelligence is far from bad. I won’t hangout if I’ve concluded it to be a flight risk. I like to contain possibilities. There are unconventional signs I use in the achievement of this. That it hasn’t failed so far doesn’t mean it can’t. I’m considerably considered intolerable and rarely take long shots but when I see such individuals That you met I’m interested in their motives not their actions but this can be a nightmare to ascertain. So far logic has helped but most helpful when it failed. I dare say I’ve met the best friends when it failed and I went the extra mile but make no mistake instincts can be dubious indeed most of the time. Before I lose track of the theme in the jinchuriki’s essay, perhaps my comment ends at this point. I’d love to write more, it seems unnecessary, the name jinchuriki was sufficient to trigger a comment. I was helpless to mention it.

    • Delle
      August 24, 08:30 Reply

      Here, have a velvet cake. I love just how confident you are and how in your very significant existence on earth, you’ll still think saying, “I don’t like effeminate guys but I try not to tell them to their face” makes you a sensible fellow.

      Eat that cake I offered. It’s from the bottommost part of my heart ?.

      • Jinchuriki
        September 03, 21:19 Reply

        There is a special place in heaven for you, Delle.

        It’s good to know I won’t be the only geek, Dojutsu.

      • Ed
        October 24, 08:09 Reply

        Touché lol

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