GRINDR, GAY MEN AND THAT “NA THEM DEY RUSH US” MENTALITY

Some days ago, because I was feeling an itch for sex, I got on my phone and downloaded Grindr. I filled out a profile and waited for someone to slide into my inbox. I think I always know to expect to be annoyed whenever I’m on Grindr (I’ve had to uninstall the app from my phone too many times, because of how annoying people on there get). And as expected, I had to ignore some really annoying messages that streamed in. I just wanted to find a good fuck and move on.

I finally decided to check out some profiles. I am typically interested in profiles that describe a “tall, not skinny/slim guy, who speaks and writes good English” – but of course, there’ll always be guys who know nothing about their statistics. On this day, there was no one impressive close to me.

And then, just as I was about to reconcile myself with the futility of finding a hookup, someone new appeared beside me suddenly. I was about to send a message when he sent “Sup”.

I tapped on his display photo again, his profile appeared and I saw 33 as his age. I became interested automatically. I didn’t pay much attention to the rest of his profile.

And so, our conversation ensued thus:

First of all, I am not Bottom, but it felt like a horror novel as I read his messages In the last two screenshots.

You see, there’s this guy I kept finding on Grindr every time I reinstalled it to hook up. He’d always suggest a video call. And when I called, he would position himself in such a way that I’d only be able to see a silhouette of his head. If I ask him for a photo, he’d send someone else’s photograph. I got to find out from another guy I met, who actually did know him, that the picture he keeps sending was not his. Every single time we bumped into each other on Grindr, it was the same routine. I got irritated and because of this guy, I generally stopped every conversation when It got to “let’s video call.” It was thenceforth a social media username or nothing. If a guy is not comfortable giving up his social media usernames or anything that positively identifies him, then he’s either trying to catfish or he’s looking for kito prey.

Clearly, this time, it was not the case, right?

That’s by the way. Let’s just completely ignore me getting catfished or getting in trouble from dealing with someone who is quite possibly kito scum, and focus on something else instead.

I get really put off by the type of people I find on Grindr, but eventually, I get over their stupidity. However, this one really pushed a button. It is bad enough that straight men lord this irritating sense of superiority over women and make a lot of them lose self-esteem; but then, to bring it over to the gay community as well? Looking down on Bottoms and effeminate men and every guy that is not masculine enough to fit the profile of guy you favour?

That is just bullshit!

It transcends to placing guys like that beneath you, as though you’re better than they are. And this is based on what proof exactly? That you are the one who dominates in bed or that you are able to walk without swinging your hips? The annoying thing is that this sense of superiority isn’t even exclusive to gay men who identify as tops. I have met a lot of men, a lot of them with big egos – Tops, Bottoms, Versatiles, even a Side who I eventually had sex with. Guys like this have this disgusting “Na Dem Dey Rush Us” attitude that never fails to put me off. I don’t think it is a bad thing for one to have a healthy sense of self, to feel important. As a matter of fact, everyone is important to someone in the community – everyone, whether you are serving dick or ass. We’re all necessary for someone else’s sex drive.

As long as sex is something the gay community thrives with, you are important. But it isn’t enough reason for one to put others down. It’s actually funny how some people try to make others feel less than, just so they can control them to get what they want. I remember chatting with a man on Manjam a while ago. I was not attracted to him but I went ahead and gave him my phone number for us to move over to Whatsapp (I have a knack for knowing people I am not going to do well with from the way they text). He was very persistent about us meeting and I did not want to shut him down rudely. But I had to let him know that what he wanted was never going to happen, so I texted him: “I am not attracted to you… I just want to let you know… I don’t want you to get upset after this…”

But the nigga flipped!

He went from Prince Charming to a Disney Villain in three seconds, getting all nasty and cussing at me. Then he finished up by blocking me on Manjam. However, much later, after weeks, he sent an apology on WhatsApp. He said he felt insulted by what I said, that I hurt his ego, so he did what he did to get me to feel bad and run after him. Of course his plan didn’t work, but it had me thinking about how toxic guys can get in their manipulation of others.

I’ll admit that at a certain time, I wanted nothing to do with excessively feminine males. But I fell in love with someone (he has long since passed away) who helped me understand that nobody likes to be put in a position where they would have to tell a lie and do things that make them sad in order to please society. I had to learn to respect people and their choices; in fact, I felt like I had come late to the party because everywhere I looked, I saw someone who was accepting of everything.

It’s okay to not be attracted to someone else. It’s okay to not want to be friends with a person. But when it comes to your opinion of that person or people, so far as it’s not in line with that person’s social advancement and everyday positivity, if your opinion puts people down and makes them think less of themselves and who they are, BE QUIET! We do not need that type of negativity in the world mbok. There’s already so much going on.

Written by Jinchuriki