The Lie Of “I Love You”

The Lie Of “I Love You”

You know what I don’t understand? Guys who are such pathological liars, they lie even when they don’t have to.

How is it that you know someone, you both hook up just fine, sex is not an issue, in fact, this someone you know is perfectly fine just having casual sex with you. But somehow you get it in your head that dating him might be something he’d like. You tell him you want more. He’s skeptical, tells you friends-with-benefits is OK. But you persist. You say you want more. You get him to commit, to cross the line from friend to boyfriend.

Only to turn around and become the asshole boyfriend who can’t be bothered to do what is expected.

Why lie about wanting something you clearly know you either can’t handle or don’t want? Why ruin what is just fine with the introduction of something heftier that you won’t help carry?

Someone close to me is currently moving on from the breakup of a relationship that shouldn’t have been. He is breaking up with a boyfriend who was once a perfect fuck buddy. He didn’t want more. The sex was just fine. But the fuck buddy seemed to think otherwise, pestering him for them to commit to something steady and exclusive for months. Eventually, my friend buckled and agreed for them to get serious, only for him to discover weeks later that this boyfriend of his apparently didn’t know that being committed to one other meant forsaking all other man-pussies.

This is the kind of story I’m very familiar with, both for me and from several other friends and acquaintances. I get a steady stream of emails from KDians, lovesick guys who are tortured by absentee boyfriends that chyked them and turned what friendship they once had into a relationship. One said in his email that he knew for the first time in his life a desire to kill a human being after he confronted his boyfriend on why he was messing him up, and the jackass told him, “I thought I could do this. But I can’t. I’m sorry. I can’t do it.”

Why are there guys like this who ruin the whole concept of dating and relationships by treating it like it’s a new pair of shoes you just want to try out? Only to find it’s not to your liking and dumping it, effectively ruining someone else’s heart. Dating is not a fad. Relationships are not a trend. Some guys actually take them seriously. Someone like me is even at that point in my life where the guy I want to get serious with has to be someone interested in a long haul and not a stopover on the journey to heterosexual marital bliss. Don’t get me wrong: casual sex is fine. I never turn my nose up at casual sex. I’m up for random hookups anytime.

But can you learn how to keep sex apart from relationships? Can you understand that great sex is not a reason for you to want to be with someone? Is it possible for you to avail yourself of critical internal therapy, to understand, to make up your mind about being with someone before involving that person, before asking that person?

Many a disastrous decision we make to be with someone else could have been avoided if one person or the other, or both, really thought about that decision before jumping into something they were ultimately not ready for. And don’t even get me started on those who realize they do not want to be with that boyfriend after all, and instead of being man enough to look into his eye and break up with him, they start acting in every way that disrespects the relationship, hoping their bad behaviour will enrage the injured boyfriend just enough for him to instigate the breakup instead. This is hurtful. This is wrong.

And I think that on some level, all this is propagated by that mentality gay Nigerians generally have of gay relationships – that they don’t last, and that ultimately everybody will marry. But that is fallacious. It is the kind of lie those who peddle it tell themselves and the general community to justify their cowardice when it comes to being with men.

Gay relationships will last as long as the two people in it determine it, societal disapproval notwithstanding. The society has absolutely no bearing on two people loving each other, and respecting the decision to be together.

Sometimes I get really disgusted with guys. And then I get very depressed when all this nonsense appear to be crushing the part of me that’s a romantic, that believes in the possibility of love, that holds on to the promise of a man to grow old with. A friend of mine was lamenting to me the other day, and said, “I want intimacy. I want to go steady with someone. But all this niggas are so disloyal, they’re making me seriously consider going to find a woman to start something with, just so I can satisfy the desire I have to share my life with someone.” Upon hearing this, I felt a great welling of sadness for him, for me, and for guys out there who just want a little lasting romance. But keep getting dealt a bad hand of men who won’t quit being assholes.

We ought to do better. We should do better. We can’t keep making the words “I love you” a lie, or a means to claim someone’s sex. There is truth to those words, and it’s about time that truth comes through when you say them to someone.

Written by Pink Panther

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  1. Kaego
    August 22, 05:56 Reply

    This is a very important topic.
    I guess some guys don’t just know what they want. Especially because this whole concept of homosexuality is still novel to us, even though we’ve probably been gay all our lives. The hostile environment makes it seem new everytime. So, an intimate relationship, which is what (almost) every guy ultimately would want, is not entirely possible… it is more a risk, more stress, than would be in a more accommodating environment.
    Nonetheless, I actually agree that some other guys are just plain A-holes. Funny enough, I recently hooked up with a guy and just afterwards, started to feel I had feelings for him. I’ve been thinking so hard when I would tell him that I wanted more than just his D. But reading this article has been quite an eye opener. I dunno if I really want a relationship. I’m so closeted, none of my straight (or gay!) friends even knows I’m gay. How then can I maintain a gay relationship?
    Thanks for the article.

  2. Higwe
    August 22, 06:30 Reply

    Maybe you should stop looking outward and start looking inward…
    I know a lot of gay guys in loving relationships that have stood the test of time and they’re Nigerians too .
    All I read was you passing the blame to others but have you checked yourself though,could it be there is something you ain’t doing right ?

    • Queen Blue Fox
      August 22, 07:08 Reply

      Of cos why not cast the blame on the person who was perfectly ok with being just fuck buddies before being convinced to go into a relationship.
      Don’t blame the guy who did not know what he wanted.

    • Kaego
      August 24, 12:38 Reply

      Actually, I was referring to myself throughout. Not trying to pass the blame to anyone else.
      Obviously, I’m not the only one going through this phase. The whole point is that people in my situation need to think twice before concluding its love.

      There’s no blame game here.

  3. Johnny
    August 22, 07:08 Reply

    My last relationship really made me stop going the way of relationship. I don’t understand why you love someone and you keep cheating even after being caught several times. I don’t just understand. The community needs an orientation, if possible. Surely, the will be a-holes but if you want a relationship, learn how to keep one.

    BTW, I can’t believe pinky wrote this. If it’s my fuck buddy that you’ve been dming that’s deceiving you, honey you need to try next door. He’s a complete a-hole

  4. J
    August 22, 10:03 Reply

    I don’t understand why a gay man will say that he wants to look for a woman so that he can share his life with her. Please don’t make that mistake. Your happiness depends on you, don’t make anyone/society deprives you of it. People won’t care if you’re living your life and you respect yourself. I notice most people are very picky when it comes to relationships… What do you have? What can you bring to the table? Who are your parents? Can you speak well? Do you look good ? Do you have the perfect body? Are you straight acting? Etc Imagining not a very good looking person wanting to relate with a good looking person, and a broke guy wanting to be with a rich guy… They want to be understood and upgraded without wanting to understand others… It’s complicated, I met so many ugly and broke guys who were expecting me to be cute and rich, and they were disappointed. Truth is if you want a serious and stable relationship, look pass appearance and other things that can not stand the test of time. Let there be a connection, be very open with that person, tell them what you like and if possible show them how you want to be treated… if they can’t stand you, understand and leave.

    • Stretchy
      August 28, 22:22 Reply

      Truer words have never been said. Braingasm

  5. Canis VY Majoris
    August 22, 10:33 Reply

    “I love you” is just a word until someone gives it meaning.

    So pay attention to the actions not the words. Words lie, but actions don’t.

    • Black Dynasty
      August 22, 21:37 Reply

      This!! If people paid attention to actions and a bit more self confidence and self love to not tolerate nonsense from guys, a lot of heart ache can be avoided.

      If the guys actions don’t match the words, it’s already a waste of time. Also, don’t people go on dates anymore and get to know each other before committing?

  6. Cho
    August 22, 11:22 Reply

    I agree with Canis. Pay attention to subtle actions all the time. I only explored the side of me attracted to guys very late and honestly I’m glad I stuck to the girl I’m with. I only get attracted to people regardless of gender, you give me attention and love, I belong to you forever! The guys I hooked up with were not as open and honest compared with the ladies. All had cheating tendencies, they get “bored” after a while, and cannot be completely trusted to be faithful. The only one that seemed great came after I gave up on guys and committed to my lady. I honestly think its because I’m not available for him so no room to take me for granted.

    All in all, guys are off limits forever! The wahala is too much, and that’s I that honestly, with all humility is good looking and middle class o. I’ll stick to my girl and be a good boy and hope she keeps being good. I’m not shocked at thus write up at all. Funny thing is the guys come back to tell you how they lost a good one and if you can return.

      • Lyanna
        August 15, 10:31 Reply

        So you can be this childish @Delle. What did you say your age was again?

  7. Avey
    August 23, 10:52 Reply

    Crazy to think ” I love you” is now a cliche in the community. Seriously, left for me never say it if you don’t mean it. Not even after a very good sex. Love ko luff ni.

  8. Bob
    August 23, 11:24 Reply

    Please Pinky, this is a good one. I don’t know if anyone has experienced this issue of some guys even from this platform asking you for money barely 24 hours after meeting you online and not even one on one? I will appreciate if a story about this can be made. It doesn’t tell good about someone’s image at all. In as much as we all need assistance at some point, dont make it look obvious especially with someone you barely met online. We should also try our best to ensure to an extent, we are independent and stop being parasitic as such can equally put off someone. Thank you.

  9. Ty
    August 23, 14:15 Reply

    Hmmm. I’ve been with bae for just over a year now and we’ve been committed to each other, even got ourselves promise necklaces hehe. Relationships take work, commitment and death to the ego. We’re more in love now than when we started, I know a lot more about him and myself too now. I liked him from the get go, I wasn’t so sure he felt the same way but I let him know how I felt….all this even before we ever had sex. There was just this depth of conversation I had with him that was amazing. We went from exclusive sex buddies to dating but the day he looked at me holding back tears in his eyes and said ‘I love you’, I knew he meant it.

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