I LOVE HER. I LOVE HIM

I LOVE HER. I LOVE HIM

I met her first.

I met her during a presentation/seminar a client company made in the company where I work: my company is a construction/geotechnical firm that takes up many government and private major construction contracts in the nation. This other client company deals in local and imported quality construction materials and they had sent in a few employees to make a presentation on why our company should award them the contract of supplying the construction materials.

She led the presentation. And I fell in love.

I fell in love with her confidence. Her poise. Her perfect diction. Her curves. Her beauty.

I fell in love with Stacy.

 

Being a top executive has its (many) advantages; I made sure Stacy’s company got the contract. I also made sure to get her numbers. As fate would have it, she had just gotten over of a past relationship, and I wasted no time in asking her out.

Perfect would be an insulting word to describe Stacy with. She’s beyond perfect: her sense of humor and sarcasm perfectly complements mine, she’s prayerful, she’s very hardworking and smart, she’s humble even with all that glowing beauty, she knows the way to my heart with her very sumptuous meals. And she’s good in the oza room.

I was actually her first. At 28, she gave up her virginity to me. She had only been with her ex for less than four months when he started demanding for sex, and she’d wanted to wait till her wedding night. He couldn’t wait and so he left. All her exes (four of them) had left because of this same reason.

Yet, she let me in.

Although I feel she let me in because of insecurity reasons, this means a lot to me and I love her with every inch of me (pun intended), and I can’t wait to marry her.

 

Then I met him.

Yes, you guessed right. I am a bisexual man who loves women more than men: if I like a man, then he must be really, really, really attractive, intelligent, mature, independent and … The list is almost endless. The probability of finding a man like this is pretty astronomically minute.

Yet, Chidi possessed ALL these qualities – and more.

Things would have been easier for me if he had been straight, but, no, he turned out to be gay. He came to sit next to me in the conference room (there was a self-development and work ethics seminar held by major stakeholders at Eko Hotels and Suites which saw the convergence of employees from several different organizations) and said “Hi”.

If I do not tell you, you would never suspect that I am bi, so I was mildly shocked that this hot man was saying hi. Maybe I was overthinking it, I wondered. He could have been here on a professional errand.

Except he wasn’t.

Long story short, we got acquainted and I was pretty blown away by the awesome person Chidi turned out to be.

And I fell in love with him.

 

I have seen articles – even here on Kito Diaries – that claim one cannot be in love with two people at the same time. That’s a big fat lie. I am in love with Stacy and I am in love with Chidi.

Stacy and Chidi are two entirely different people and I love them in different ways, but that does not alter the glaring fact that I am madly in love with both. I can’t say: Oh, I think I love Stacy more, or, oh, I’d pick Chidi over Stacy.

And this has been a gigantic problem for me.

Chidi knows about Stacy, but Stacy thinks Chidi is my very close friend. Yet I have sex with both of them.

Chidi knows how much I love Stacy and he knows I want to marry her and have a family with her, and he’s very supportive.

“If she makes you happy, go on ahead. I’ll be fine. I could even be your best man,” he says to me.

How am I supposed to tell him that I want him too?

I am tripped by guilt: how do I marry Stacy knowing full well that I have been cheating on her? With another man?

How do I tell Stacy that I love my ‘very close friend’ too and would love to wed them both? Maybe be a throuple?

I have tried all my best possible to let Chidi go. I can’t.

I have tried to imagine life without Stacy. It feels so scary and dull.

The life of a bisexual man isn’t very sweet. Why must life pour in a bottle of vintage vinegar into my red wine when I was just beginning to feel fulfilled?

Why do I love her?

Why do I love him?

A line from Rag n Bones’ Lay My Body Down plagues my brain everyday: All I’m looking for is a little bit more rope to tie around my throat. I’m in trouble.

Written by Kross T

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24 Comments

  1. Sim
    June 14, 07:10 Reply

    Congratulations!
    I do not know how one can love two people, well I guess ur lucky. Wishing you all the in your journey, however keep us updated as it unfolds.

    • Blackie
      June 14, 12:54 Reply

      What seth said is what i will do if i’m your shoes because, Chidi beeing a gay man that he is, might not love you back the same way you love him, for him might be sex and nothing more, and he has given you the go ahead with Stacy.

  2. seth
    June 14, 08:04 Reply

    seems pretty simple to me.marry Stacy for straight cred while keeping Chidi on the side.he seems ready to compromise.except you want to pretend to give a fuck about marital fidelity.in which case fuck outta here.

  3. Gaia
    June 14, 08:42 Reply

    “Chidi knows about Stacy, but Stacy thinks Chidi is my very close friend. Yet I have sex with both of them”

    I don’t think you should mary Stacy without letting her know you are bisexual. She deserves to know. It is after that we can actually have this conversation.

    And please sir… Ignore what Seth had said. I don’t think Chidi on the other hand deserves any of that. I you marry one you should be ready to let go of the other.

  4. Malik
    June 14, 08:44 Reply

    I don’t like to give relationship advice, especially when working with only one story.

    The first question I’d ask you is, do you want to be monogamously married? A strong yes is the sole thing that would keep you in a marriage. No matter how perfect your partner is, you will always, ALWAYS, find better, or get bored or curious.

    I think of all the ways that perfect Stacy would be broken if you break up with her. I also think that since you met her first, since she did nothing wrong but show you a lot of trust, since there seems to a lot of mutual emotional investment, you should marry her. And if a monogamous relationship was the contract between you and Stacy, stop cheating and blaming bisexuality. Realise that your self control, not the bisexuality may be the problem here.

    Also the talk about, you can’t live without either of them is not true because if (heaven’s forbid) one of them dies, you will eventually move on. So pick the one you see a better future with and politely let the other go. Think off the contexts of where you live/plan to live. Think of how you envision your future. If Chidi fits better, then stop wasting Stacy’s time. Sis is 28 and time is ticking if she wants to have kids.

    A way to fix the situation would be to come clean to Stacy, hard as it may be. You could be fortunate to redesign your relationship contract to include Chidi or whichever hottie comes next. It’s a long shot, I know, but don’t build a marriage on a lie. It will end in tears.

  5. Jinchuriki
    June 14, 08:57 Reply

    I stopped reading at That’s a big fat lie because it’s actually all correct and I don’t need to read what’s left. You can be in love with more than one person at a time, but why you put yourself in that position?
    You better get back to her and leave him alone. Stop messing with people’s lives like that. He’s sexy is not enough grounds to cheat.
    Yes, you’re cheating. You’re no, granted, you’re still cheating and you should not be cheating!!!!!! Make up your mind goddamit!

  6. Loki
    June 14, 09:35 Reply

    Well i’d advice u com clean to Stacy. Her reaction and action will determine your next move i guess. But one tin is sure, if u still go ahead to marry her, den u av to let chidi go. D guy deserves more dan jst being d side chick(dude?). In all, i sat good luck.

  7. Sky
    June 14, 10:12 Reply

    Deep down inside your heart you know what to do, but you don’t want to do it. Because you are afraid of making the wrong decision….
    You can’t keep on holding him because he deserves to be happy too. The earlier the better

  8. Black Dynasty
    June 14, 10:13 Reply

    You’re both greedy and selfish.
    Don’t blame bisexuality, you “love” them both doesn’t mean you should have them both and mess up their lives. Like why potentially cause people pain to satisfy yourself?

    I said “love” because lust feels like love until it’s time to make sacrifices (none of which you’re doing, seeing as you’re eating your cake and having it too).

  9. Mandy
    June 14, 12:51 Reply

    Other commenters have said that you know what to do, and I suspect that what they’re talking about and what you know you will do is that you will go ahead and marry Stacey and maybe stop seeing Chidi or keep him a side cock.

    Which is just the expected, given you have already said you are a bisexual who likes women more than men.

    But just once, can a bisexual do the unexpected? Which is to drop the girlfriend and decide to keep the boyfriend as his partner?

    Just once, can we have a bisexual favour his homosexual side more than his heterosexual side?

  10. Higwe
    June 14, 17:55 Reply

    If eating your fish and having it has a longer description.

    Basically , you want them both for yourself but you aren’t willing to give yourself to one of them completely….you’re going to end up losing both.

    There is one man in my village who belonged to a fraternity but he was also a “staunch” catholic.

    Well one day he died and his family not knowing he belonged to a secret confraternity planned to give him a very Catholic burial but his confraternity were not having it, because according to them there are some rituals that needed to be performed before he can be buried or else his soul will haunt his family .

    The fight over his body broke out .
    Guns were fired , mourners dispersed , even the officiating priest took to his heels.

    A man who was so valued and respected while alive turned to a caricature in death.

    ***************
    Basically, the chicken always comes home to roost and nope, you can’t cover the sun with your palm.

    One day Chidi is going to want more out of life than being your side piece.
    One day he’s going to meet someone that sees all those qualities you saw in him and that person will value him and give him the honour and respect he deserves.

    Stacy on her own part will definitely find out one day that you’re bisexual .
    It only takes one person to tell a person , who tells some other person and a story becomes news till it lands on the horse’s ear.

    The point of my long sermon ….pick one person and stick completely with him or her, if indeed your love is true.

    Yes , you can love more than one person at once but the big lie is saying you don’t love and need one more than the other.

    Even mothers of identical twins still prefer one to the other.

    Pick one and let the other one go and find their true love.

    Even the Bible said a lukewarm shall be spat out.

    If you ain’t at the left or right side of a busy road, you’re most likely going to be hit by a bus.

  11. Saucebuttom
    June 16, 02:02 Reply

    Higwe your words are so captivating and straight to the point in a broader sense.

  12. Freddy
    June 16, 08:41 Reply

    Trust me You love Chidi more. If You had met him before Stacy, You wouldn’t have fallen for her. I think You should let her know that You are into guys also. With time, she will leave on her own cause trust me, no Woman wants to share her Man with another Woman talkless of a Man. I suggest You watch this American movie ‘From Zero to I Love You 2019’ it’s similar to Your story and may help You make a decision on this love triangle You find Yourself in. You must make a decision cause You will end up loosing the both of them. Once You marry her, Chidi has no much access to You and will begone to the nest available Man he can find. Also, once Stacy finds out on her own, Your secret is exposed and she will still leave You also.

    • Francis
      June 16, 09:13 Reply

      The main character in that movie is GAY not BI

  13. Rexxy
    June 17, 02:40 Reply

    Hello Mr. Kross T, i dare say you are being selfish and inconsiderate…

    Choose a struggle bro… Dont make drama out of it. You are already cheating on her with Chidi so why are acting assif there would be a problem if you marry her and still be fuck buddies with Chidi?,if you cant let them both go them keep them for as long as possible till you loose them both and you’ll be sitting at home LONELYYYY….

    Dear Kross,I think your problem isnt Bisexuality,it’s lack of self control.There is no difference between you and a gay man keeping two guys or a straight man keeping two women,you Sha wanna eat ya cake and still have it..

    Wake up from lala land before you loose them both, put yourself together and choose one and determine to stick because even if you leave Chidi and marry Stacy,what is the guarantee that you won’t cheat on her when you see another man or woman that matches your list of expectations?…

    Learn self-control and accept the fact that we can’t have all we want.

  14. Ethereal
    June 17, 09:39 Reply

    @higwe you succinctly spoke my mind to the exact crossing of the “t” s & dotting of the “I” s…

  15. Yomi
    June 19, 02:31 Reply

    I’m sorry I’m going to have to say that you are a very selfish man who is just out to hurt peoples emotions. You disvirgined a young lady with the intention of marrying her and settling down with her at the same time you met another man whom you fell in love with. I see this as emotional torture for both parties. You need to choose one or the other.
    And please consider yourself as gay and not bisexual. Your actions and feelings are more of being gay.

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