“You are opting for a beard?” Yinka’s voice came across my speaker with a scandalized undertone.

“Well, is it actually a beard when it’s the woman you’re thinking of marrying?” I said.

“Whether she’s hanging onto your arm at red carpet events like Saeon is doing with Uti Nwachukwu, or you’re wifing her, a beard is a beard!”

Paschal doubled over on my side in the backseat of the taxi with laughter.

“Yinka, you’re on speaker o,” I hissed.

“Ehen? What don’t you want the taxi driver to hear? That Uti is not gay? Abeg everyone and my grandmother know that.”

Paschal was now shaking helplessly in his mirth, as I turned Yinka off speaker and took the phone to my ear. “Yinka, you don’t have to sound so pissed off –”

“I’m not pissed off –”

“Yes, you are.”

“Alright. You’re right. I’m kind of pissed off, in a way.”


“Because, Dee, believe it or not, when it comes to this LGBT issue, I sort of look up to you. And Eddie. And Ekene. You three are the ones who have clearly decided not to be swayed by society to make decisions about your future out of fear of coming off on the wrong side. I admire the three of you especially because I don’t even know yet if I’m that brave.”

“But I’m not doing anything that’s compromising my stand –”

“Yes, you are. You are getting married to a woman.”

“No, I’m considering it.”

“And if this lesbian turns out to be as hot as this Kema’s Frances whose picture you sent me on BBM, then you will marry her, won’t you?”

My hesitation lasted two seconds, but it was all the validation he needed.

“See?” he said.

“Look, Yinka, even if I do decide to do this – and that’s a big if – I’d still be staying true to myself. There’ll be no lies, no smoke screens. This Nene and I would have full disclosure of what we are getting into. We’d be nothing like Jonathan and Chidimma.”

“It still feels kind of wrong…”

“Let’s just take it one step at a time, and we’ll see.”

“But, Dee…marrying a lesbian? Honey, I don’t think I can do that. I just can’t stand their drama. When the time comes for me to make this marriage decision, I’d rather marry a straight woman and raise three kids with her, while my closet remains tightly locked. The only change will be that I’d have to tone down my hook-ups, maybe get a young boy or two, or perhaps an older gentleman, and treat them good so they’d remain loyal to me. That’s probably me in ten years’ time.”

“Wait, lesbians are drama? Isn’t that a bit of a generalisation?” I refused to chomp down on what seemed to be Yinka’s apparent decision concerning his future. I didn’t entirely approve, but I didn’t have a problem with it. Eddie, the anti-sham-marriage police that he is, surely would have.

“Well, the ones I have come in contact with,” he replied.

“You’ve met lesbians before?”

“Yes. You’ve not?”

“No. Frances was my first.”

“Well, those chicks take the whole concept of ‘what a man can do, a woman can do better’ to a whole other level, always trying to outdo the guy.”

“I think you’re talking about the Femi-Nazi, not lesbians,” I intoned, trying to deflect with some humour.

“Whatever, me, I personally do not like them. I can’t deal abeg.”

I finally gave in to my pique. “And that’s exactly how homophobes sound. They meet a few – er, French guys and start condemning the entire community. See how alike you sound?”

“The moment I said what I said, I knew you’d hop all over me. But that doesn’t change the fact that I personally do not like lesbians…the same way I personally do not like smoking. You see, anything that gives my life stress, I try not to deal with.”

“Your sexuality is a major stress-giver,” I said with some asperity. “How come you’ve not quit it?”

“That one’s who I am. It’s not optional.”

“Are you two having a fight?” Paschal interjected, lifting his brows at my countenance. “Is history about to be made right here?”

“What is Paschal even doing with you?” Yinka snapped, apparently overhearing him.

At the close of work by five, I’d stepped out of the work compound to run into Paschal. He’d been on his way back from Yaba Market, and was on a mission to locate a courier service on Herbert Macaulay Way, the service that one of his lays who was based in the UK intended to use to send some items to him. Ever since he evicted himself from his sister’s house and started shacking up with Yinka, he’d been working the grind hard to make some headway for himself. When we suggested getting on interviews for a white-collar job, he’d instantly shut the idea down with the words, “I’m my own boss, and that’s how it’ll be, whatever I end up doing, even if I have to fuck my way to it.”

After I told him what my imminent appointment was about, he enthusiastically decided to tag along. We hopped into a taxi, and were currently on our way to Ikeja Shopping Mall.

“We’re going together to meet my date,” I said to Yinka.

“Ok o. Well, have him be your SOS, if things aren’t going so well with Mrs. Future Lesbian Wife.”

“My SOS?”

“You know, the wingman who’ll suddenly call you with an emergency to get you the hell out of a bad date.”

“Come on, Yinka,” I said with an exasperated chuckle. “Frances is a lovely, charming woman. Her friend couldn’t possibly be any different.”

“But she is a lovely, charming woman to you, after it became obvious that you are her fiancé’s man. That bitch probably would have scattered her weave-on at you in a more spectacular manner than Adebola, had it been that you were transiting through Kema’s bed.”

“Goodbye, Yinka,” I said. “If we keep having this conversation, the history Paschal is talking about will happen.”

“For where? You love me too much! Toodle-oo!” He made a kissing noise before hanging up.

The rest of the ride to Ikeja Shopping Mall was quite uneventful. Paschal and I chatted idly, while taking in the passing scenery of diurnal Lagos slowly winding to a close.

Soon, we alighted before the mall and strolled into the vast environs. As we walked, I looked around at the traffic of people traipsing all over the parking lot, wondering if any of the females was Nene. Frances had called me just before the close of work to ensure that I hadn’t changed my mind.

“Good,” she’d said when I informed her that I was still onboard. “Nene is really stoked to meet you.”

“I highly doubt that. This is more or less a business meeting. Nobody is ever stoked to attend business meetings.”

Her laugh rang out like a chorus of bells in my ear. “Oh my God, you’re like the first gay man who delights me so.”

“Kema not up to par?” I said, feeling warmed by her sentiment.

“No, Kema is not a gay man to me. He’s first my good friend, and then my intended.”

“You two do have an enviable chemistry most straight couples don’t even have.”

“That we do. So you better treat him right. Else, I’ll get the meanest, baddest lesbian to find you, set her pussy on your dick and fuck you.”


“Punishment worse than death, is it?”

“Worse than burning in hell even,” I said, drawing another gay laugh from her.

For a short while, Paschal and I strolled about the complex. The mall was packed with shoppers and office workers. The smell of freshly-made food intermittently mingled with the expensive perfumes. We walked along the busy pavements, threading our way between the other pedestrians.

“Where are you two even meeting?” Paschal asked.

“KFC. Yinka said I should tell you to be my SOS.”

He guffawed. “Yinka is wicked o. He’s clearly anticipating a disastrous ending to this your arrangement.”

“If Nene is anything like Frances, he’ll be sorely disappointed.”

Paschal gave me a look. “If Nene is anything like Frances, you’d really do this? Like for real?”

“Yes. Why?” I narrowed my eyes at him.

He shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s just…ever since Jonathan’s wedding, I’ve been thinking a lot about stuff.”

“Oh, Paschal darling, you…think? Is everything alright?” I raised my arm to feel his temple with the back of my hand.

He chuckled as he swatted my hand away. “You’re not serious. I’m not all dick and no brains, you know.”

“You could have fooled me.” My smile aimed to take the sting off my words.

Before long, we were settled three tables apart in KFC. Paschal promptly dug into his order of chicken and chips, while I waited. It was almost six. Dusk was already settling in outside, creating a spectacularly picturesque splash in the crepuscular sky outside. I stared up at it through the glass wall, and felt some peace inordinately mixed with melancholy settle on me. It was a beautiful evening, but life was anything but beautiful. How was it possible that the part of Nature God had sole control over remained so resplendent, and the part He ceded control over to Man had become such a grotesquerie of bad decisions and infernal choices?

Because God is whole and beauty untainted, the Voice replied, while Man fucked up once, and has been fucking up ever since.

“Hello,” a female voice spoke up beside me. “Declan, is it?”

I was roused out of my introspection with a faint shudder, and I looked up at the most unusual-looking young woman.

Written by Pink Panther

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  1. Sheldon Cooper
    August 18, 06:39 Reply

    Pinky, you’re very wicked. How could you leave me hanging like that?

    I’m seriously looking for a Lola to marry oo. Any help? (not kidding)

    Just hope Nene doesn’t look like a bouncer.

  2. pete
    August 18, 06:59 Reply

    Definitely not missing the next episode

  3. #Chestnut
    August 18, 07:27 Reply

    “Unusual looking”? OMG…why do I have an image of “Boo” from #OITNB in my head? #JesusBeAlipstick

    • Peak
      August 18, 07:47 Reply

      Hahahahaha this Chestnut sef! But boo is cute now, I like me a tough gal oooo

  4. papasmurf
    August 18, 07:44 Reply

    Dear God!!! Nene can think of some wicked punishments sha!!!
    But bia Pinky… This suspense fit kill person oo..
    Have mercy and tell us quick what kind of “unsual-ness” Dec-baby is meeting with biko.

    • Pink Panther
      August 18, 08:27 Reply

      Hahahahahaa!!! Any chance you can hang on in the land of the living till next Monday?

  5. Dennis Macaulay
    August 18, 08:04 Reply

    Ghen Ghen!

    All those bouncing macho lesbians who want to fuck you with a dildo!

    Okpara Chineke!!

  6. lluvmua
    August 18, 08:12 Reply

    oooooooo why end it now pinkie?, pinkie pls give us small expo about d nene gal

    • Pink Panther
      August 18, 08:31 Reply

      I’m sorry, it’s against school rules and regulations.

  7. JArch
    August 18, 08:27 Reply

    Nene as in Nene Leakes.

    Pinky I saw DM’s sub ooo.

    DM are you seeing this???

  8. ambivalentone
    August 18, 08:36 Reply

    bwahahaha. Unusual??? Baggy trousers? Durag? Dog chain anyone??? Biko, whats the name of that ‘ijo ya’ crooner sef?

    • Mandy
      August 18, 08:43 Reply

      Weird MC… Hahahahahahaa!!! If that is the representation of Nene, then Frances is just plain wicked.

  9. Uziel
    August 18, 09:26 Reply

    Cliffhanger much?! Ugh. I think Declan has a surprise coming his way. I sure do…

  10. Khaleesi
    August 18, 13:32 Reply

    Beautiful piece as always … Pinky you’re just a witch for ending it when you did!! ***pulls off shoe and hurls it @ Pinky***

    August 18, 14:34 Reply

    hehehehe… Unusual gir?… Why am i still seen the picture of this macho girls? That barbs afro, has thousand of baggie in thier wardrop, with hacket polos that would aid them raise the colla ?… Ohh declan sweetie! I had better be wrong.

  12. Kester
    August 19, 03:08 Reply

    Now I think I am beginning to know you well PP. you just couldn’t resist it could you? I don’t know why but I just knew you would leave us hanging about nene for an episode or two at least. You can be subtle though, there is an underlying message here no one is addressing. I love the post, the bantering, the part about paschal thinking killed me. You should write a full featured novel send it to new York or something for publishing you are so talented. Who knows a cool network may pick it up and there you will be with the likes of KK Rowlings. You are heading to fame anyway. Good job there. But I really think one of you fabulous writers will discover that cliffhangers on every episode soon becomes monotonous. A good story line, imagery and dialogue still holds the interest. Still I doff my hat to all you very talented brothers and occasional sister. Una too much. My love for my cyber family knows no bounds

  13. Queen Mother
    August 19, 07:54 Reply

    Duur. What a cliffhanger. Unusual lady.

    Obara Emma!!!

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