NEVER FELT BEFORE

He looks like a dream sitting across from me. I’d stopped listening to everything else but the sound of my own heartbeat. It drums in my chest, becoming the only evidence that I am still alive.

I can’t believe my own thoughts. My gaze falls on his lips, his luscious pink lips. The first day I met him was at the office; my boss, Thelma had introduced him as our new colleague. I immediately noticed how handsome he was, and that was fine until his lips caught between his teeth and he flashed a smile at me. My world tilted and I haven’t been able to turn it back to normal since then.

As he focuses his attention away from me, oblivious to how much he is affecting me, I notice how dark and curly his hair is and I long to put my fingers on his head just so I can feel how soft his hair must be.

I am in complete turmoil from just staring at him. That is the problem; he is a HIM – a man!

And I, Akintayo Ojo, am not a gay man!

I mean I’ve never been completely heterosexual either. The thing is, I am not very sexual. I’m a 27-year-old man who avoids the opposite gender because I’ve never felt like a sexual being. It isn’t like I’m a virgin, but I have the barest minimum body count that any heterosexual man in his late twenties can ever boast of. I figure I’ll find a woman to settle down with soon and worry about how to make babies later.

Sure, I think some men are handsome, just like I think some women are beautiful. And I have a little crush on Idris Elba- but really, doesn’t every man? So, gay? No! Absolutely not! I would know, right? I ask the universe and I get no answer.

And yet Michael is playing tic-tac-toe with my insides. It seems as though every sexual need I’ve never felt before is finally rearing their tempestuous head. As I continue to undress him with my eyes, he looks back at me and smiles. I immediately look away, feigning disinterest.

I finally notice that most eyes in the conference room are on me now. My boss has narrowed her eyes at me.

“Tayo, are you with us?” she asks.

“Yes. Yes. I am hundred percent here,” I say, clearing my throat to avoid stuttering.

“Great. Coordinate with Michael and let us know what you guys come up with,” she says, declaratively.

Wait! What? I nearly scream.

“Michael?” I manage to croak out instead.

“Yes. Michael,” Thelma answers, clearly irritated. “That’d be all for today. See you guys next week.”

Everyone begins to leave the conference room when my boss calls out to me to stay back.

“You seemed distracted during the meeting,” she remarks.

“No. I apologize if it seemed like I was,” I answer with all the calm I can muster. “You know how serious I take my job.”

She looks at me before saying, “Okay, Tayo. I was just worried. If you can’t handle this, I can pass this one off.”

“No. I can totally handle this,” I say, sounding more assured than I feel.

“Good. Take care then,” she says, ending the talk.

As I exit the room, I pray for the strength to actually handle this.

Michael is waiting by my office.

I’m already being put to the test. Heaven! Help me now!

“Hi,” I say with a polite smile, as I walk past him into my office.

“I bet you weren’t listening in there,” he says with an inflection of levity in his voice. “Lots on your mind?”

“You have no idea,” I say, laughing nervously.

He stares at me, clearly puzzled, and then shakes his head before parting his beautiful lips to speak. “I’ll send you details about everything. Plus I already have an idea of what we could do.”

“That would be amazing, thank you,” I answer.

“I look forward to working with you. I think your previous works have been brilliant.” He bites his lips then, glazing his tongue over his bottom lip before continuing. “I’m psyched to finally work closely with you.”

I look down at my desk, sitting down immediately to hide my growing reaction to the movement of his lips and everything else about him. My pants have suddenly become too tight around my crotch and my palms are sweaty.

“I look forward to working with you too,” I manage to say.

“I doubt that,” he responds.

“Why would you say that?” I ask, truly curious.

“Because you’ve been weird to me since the very first day I started here,” he says as he sits down across from me.

“That’s unintentional, I promise,” I lie.

“Okay o, if you say so,” he says with a smile on his face.

A smile that immediately makes me feel guilty for avoiding him; leaving rooms as soon as he walked in might have been a bit too far.

I decide to be nicer.

“How about instead of coming to work on a Saturday, we just work at my place tomorrow,” I blurt out.

“Cool,” he says, hiding a smile.

I frown at the action; I want to see all of his smiles.

Stop that. Fool! I scold myself.

“Yeah. So just stop by at mine anytime from 12. And we can get to work.”

As he leaves my room, my eyes bulge out. I’d just invited this man who makes me very uncomfortable to my home, to be in close proximity with me. ALONE!

I stand and begin to pace.

I have nothing to worry about. I have self control. Besides, I can’t afford to make a fool of myself in front of a colleague.

You’re a grown man, Tayo. Act like it.

It turns out, I had everything to worry about, because once I open the door to see Michael in a casual outfit, my breath catches. He is wearing a green V-necked T-shirt with denim shorts as blue as the sky. He is carrying a lot of paper, so I quickly help him with that, trying to ignore for a moment just how stunning he looks.

We begin to get to work soon after, and five hours, a box of pizza and merging of ideas later, we finally have a foolproof plan on an ad concept.

“Can I ask you something?” he asks, as he reclines on his seat with a satisfied sigh.

“Sure.”

“Why did you avoid me so much? And don’t say you didn’t.” He smiles shyly. “I just want to know if I did something wrong.”

“No.” I sigh. “It’s a personal thing.”

“So just my face was enough to make you dislike me then?” There’s some humour in his voice, but the expression in his eyes is also earnest, as though he really cares about what my answer will be.

I stand, eager to put some distance between us, so I don’t have to say anything I can’t take back.

He stands too and I look at him in panic.

“Why do I make you so nervous?” he questions. Oddly, he looks nervous too.

I laugh without humour, covering my mouth and then stroking my beard, mostly because I need something to do with my hands.

He moves closer and I will myself to move back. But I can’t.

He must have taken that as encouragement, because he moves even closer. And then, he does the strangest thing. He pulls both of my hands into his and just holds them.

I gape at him, not knowing what to do. He just smiles.

“Can I kiss you?” he asks nervously.

My mind explodes, blood rushing everywhere at once. I should have been in immediate panic, but I am not. I am calm and still, completely motionless.

I can’t trust myself to speak, so I nod.

He is a little taller than me, and so when he leans forward to kiss me, I simply close my eyes.

Once his lips touch mine, I feel something I’ve never felt before. I am connected to every inch of my own body like I’ve never been before. His lips move with mine, dancing, and I want to scream from the many emotions running through me.

His facial hair rubs against mine, so different from the smoothness of a woman’s lips against mine. I feel whole as he lets go of my hands and hold my neck. I put my hands to his hips automatically, wanting to pull him in closer.

Lust. Attraction. Passion.

These are words I could never understand, words I was sure I would never feel.

Until now – and it is even better than I imagined.

My head spins. I began to feel very dizzy with need. I want him so bad. It feels as though I want to consume him somehow, become one with him. I tighten my hold on him, feeling his strong arms pull me closer too, but it isn’t enough. I kiss him deeper as he grinds his hips against mine, pushing me against a wall. I gasp as my body aches with pleasure. He moves his lips away from mine, going to my neck, and as I lean into his kisses, I feel his teeth sink into my skin. It is a confusing swirl of pain and pleasure. As he trails his tongue over the bite, I feel my sanity leave me.

“Michael…” I breathe out, pushing him off me as gently as I can. I am sure that if I don’t, I will cum all over myself. He must definitely be used to experienced men. I can’t let him know that I can’t handle a simple kiss, however completely intense it is.

“I’ve wanted to do that for so long,” he says with a smile. “Are you okay?” he asks after seeing the confusion on my face.

Then he cups my face in his hands and gasps. “Is that— Am I — you’ve never kissed a guy before?”

“No, I’ve not,” I answered, shaking my head shyly.

He kisses me again and I moan against his lips, pulling back to ask one thing. “Does it always feel like this…with other guys?”

“No,” he answers and I can see the earnestness in his eyes. “It’s never felt like this,” he reiterates.

He kisses me again, this time grinding his bulge against mine, and I can feel my orgasm rushing down from my spine. I need him to stop, but I really don’t want him to.

“Michael…I’m gonna cum,” I gasp.

“Fuck!” he simply groans, and keeps on grinding on me until I can help it no longer.

My whole body feels lit with fire, flames that spread from every part of me till they are pulsing in my balls and exploding through my cock. I shake violently from the pleasure, my knees buckling. But he catches me before I can fall and pins me steadily to the wall.

He smiles. It is a grand smile, one filled with mischief and dark desire. I love it. He kisses me, biting my neck again before stopping to look at me. He bites his lips and I decide that I’ll never get tired of seeing that. He looks hungrily at me before leaning forward to whisper into my ears.

“I have a lot of things to show you, Tayo.”

And I have no doubt that I will enjoy every one of them.

Written by Abrams