Opinion: The Truth About Having A Big Dick

Opinion: The Truth About Having A Big Dick

[Originally published on newnownext.com, by Bobby Cox]

“Power bottom 4 hung tops,” “Hung to the front of the line,” “Big cock+++.”

No matter where you are in the world, a quick glance at Grindr will reveal our community’s collective emphasis on the size of a man’s cock. In my own city of Toronto, people often ask me if I’m hung before even saying hello. Yes, I know Grindr is a hookup app, I’m just merely asserting that the size of a man’s cock is, for many, a determining factor when seeking a good dicking.

“My theory is that a large penis is being confused with strong masculinity, and that’s being confused with raw, erotic power,” Joe Kort, PhD, certified sex and relationship therapist, writes in his blog. “In other words, the bigger the penis, the better the man, the better the sex.”

But first: What actually constitutes a big dick?

The Journal of Sexual Medicine has verified the average penis measures at roughly 5.6 inches; technically, that means anything larger is considered “big.” While research tells us that “ideal” penis sizes are much larger, less than 3% of the world’s population measures over 8 inches.

But while a big dick may be praised and envied, the reality is it can often be a detriment, especially for gay men who engage in anal sex. Why? Big dicks can hurt.

“If a partner isn’t physically comfortable with a larger penis, it can feel like a deterrent as it causes physical pain,” sex and relationship therapist Janet Zinn explains to me in a phone interview. “That’s a hard place to be when you love or care about your partner, and entering him hurts him.”

James, 35, who measures 8 inches, tells me that his generous package sways most of his partners to bottom. As a versatile man, he rarely gets to experience the pleasures of bottoming because he’s often told the bigger guy tops.

Ethan, 26, who also measures 8 inches, often finds himself in the same position—literally. “Being someone who generally [identifies] as a bottom—though my profile says ‘vers bottom’—because I dabble—it has yielded some interesting responses,” he says. “People are either shocked that someone with a big dick is a bottom or they are determined to turn me into a full-on top, to which I tell them me topping has never not lead to a messy situation. Prepare all you want, but just imagine putting a Coke can in your ass and seeing what happens.”

A big dick can also be too intimidating. “I’ve definitely been turned down for sex or sex wasn’t possible,” Brad, 26, who measures 9.5 inches, says. “But most frequently, I would say the attention my dick gets over me as a person has been the biggest downside.” In college, Brad reluctantly garnered a reputation for his sizeable member; everyone assumed him to be a sexual deviant (most men I spoke with shared that they are often assumed promiscuous). In reality, he’d only had two sexual partners.

The reaction to bigger penises is often polarizing. “They will either take my dick and then ghost me, or absolutely worship it, which drives me more insane,” Brad continues. “When guys take it to the extreme–talking about my dick, looking at my dick, or making it their phone background (yes, that’s happened)– it can become too much pressure to perform. I don’t want to disappoint.”

During intercourse, Brad has experienced all of the difficulties that come with a big dick, including multiple penile fracture scares—which occur when a penis is bent to such an extreme angle that it ruptures the fibrous coverings that envelop the shaft (it’s happened to me and it’s grotesque)—when bottoms weren’t being careful. Because a fracture can cause sexual and urinary function, it is recommended they see a doctor. The degree of the injury may require an ice pack, a catheter, or even surgery to restore the urethra. “I’ve had so many instances of shit-dick, it’s not even funny,” he says. “I go deeper than your douche, so make sure you’re thorough when you clean. I’ve also made guys bleed and nearly vomit.”

Another man I spoke to once sent his partner to the hospital, as his size caused an anal fissure and excessive bleeding.

According to Kort, “big dick privilege” exists because we’re taught that large penises should be revered and that all partners, male or female, want one. “But this is not true,” he assures. “The issue with my clients is that it often hurts the partner and sexual positions are limited.” As a result, Kort explains the bottom may not want anal penetration as frequently. Consequently, the top feels badly, not wanting to hurt his partner. “Both partners are then left longing for anal penetration and not being able to have it with one another—at least not as often as they would like,” he says.

“Many of these men feel fetishized; it is very hurtful to them to be wanted for one body part,” he explains. “If a guy has a larger penis and is into being fetishized, that is one thing. But to have another person reduce you to just being a big dick, then this can be hurtful in the same way a guy is belittled for having a small penis.”

Being unable to penetrate as deep as desired was on top of the list of disadvantages, as is jealousy. “The partner of the man with the larger penis can feel insecure, as if he’s less than, and can devalue the partner with the larger penis,” Zinn says. “It’s cruel, and can really hurt the well-endowed person’s feelings. Or, the jealousy can get in the way of a relationship, as the smaller partner doesn’t view him as an equal and feels like he has to compensate or adore his partner more.”

More often than not, well-endowed men don’t compare themselves to average appendages. It’s merely the smaller man’s insecurity projected onto the other. “I’ve had guys tell me during the hookup that they feel like less of a man and even ask me if I’m sure that I’m attracted to them and their size,” James says. “If I see your dick pics or you tell me your size and then I show up, that means I want it.”

Big dick fetishization has long been tied to race. Numerous articles have been penned detailing the exploitation of black men and the “big black cock” (BBC). “Being biracial—half-black specifically—has made having a nice-sized dick quite the quandary,” Ethan shares. “Whenever anyone on the apps asks me what I’m mixed with, their instantaneous response is ’so which half is black?’ with the awful winking emoticon. I find myself going in spurts if deleting the apps for this very thing which happens way more often than one should ever have to deal with.”

The advice Kort shares with endowed patients is fairly simple: Be upfront about your size and don’t be afraid to discuss it. “If a partner is unwilling to have empathy, then this is not the right hookup or relationship for the well-endowed man,” he says. “If he senses the guy is with him just for his big dick, then I would recommend addressing that and, depending on the reaction, choose whether to continue or not.”

When requesting hung individuals to speak on these challenges, someone snarkily responded, “I can’t wait to read how hard they have it.” Their cynicism is expected, but the truth of the matter is, this wasn’t intended to pity the big-dicked man. It was to talk about the lesser-known disadvantages these individuals face. There is pressure, there is fear, there is apprehension, embarrassment, fetishization, and injury.

The truth is, “big dick problems” are physical and social. Some are so intense, the men start to begrudge their own endowment.

The grass may seem longer or thicker, but don’t assume it’s any greener.

Next 365 Days With E

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  1. Mandy
    July 15, 05:45 Reply

    The insecurities the big dick phenomenon has put on gay men has gotten to the stage where some men who aren’t hung will be about to hook up with a bottom, whose sexual history they know nothing about, and they’ll start going, “Here’s my dick pic… I know it’s not that big and you must have had better dicks.” Not only instantly equating big dicks to good sex, but assuming that every gay man who bottoms must favor big dicks.

    • Beau
      July 15, 07:28 Reply

      It’s not so Mandy, most bottoms are ever curious abt ur size wen they wanna hookup. “The first thing most ask me is do u ave it big, can u pound well”, rhat is a huge turn off. TBH, i find it irritating and embarrassing. Am versatile and i dnt request for dick pics.

  2. Beau
    July 15, 07:33 Reply

    Big dicks scares the hell out of me, i can only admire big dicks, but taking it has never been my tin. My bf has a big dick and sometimes i have to push him off while having sex which is pretty awkward. I prefer 6-7 inches, anything more…….

    • Persimmon
      July 15, 09:02 Reply

      Ehhhhnnnn? You don’t mean it… Please what’s your boyfriend’s number maybe I can call him on behalf of my friend to advise him on how not to use his big D… lmao. *Just kidding* ?

      Truth is that the stereotype being be propagated by porn helps in fueling this mindset. I’m not sure it’s changing anytime soon… Most people definitely do appreciate a sizeable penis.

  3. Alfred
    July 15, 09:25 Reply

    Pls I dont know what world this numbers and statistics where all carried out for them to come to that conclusion. But they should do that findings and study in Nigeria! Because the bottoms here will take a 12 inch and ask u .. E remain somewhere?.

    • bamidele
      July 15, 09:37 Reply

      ahhh… You said ‘the bottom’
      PErhaps I should hint that not all bottoms. At least I’ve head some Nigerian tops (who are far from 12inch) comlain that some bottom can’t take dick…lol

  4. bamidele
    July 15, 09:34 Reply

    It is really disappointing to relate big dick with great sex. Many guys with big dicks are not even good in bed. unfortunately, such phenomenon has also been propagated by the porn industry, allbeit in an exagerated way. For example, 7-8 inches dicks are often represented as 9-11 inches, while the film zooms the dick throughout the scenes.

    Also, as mentioned in the article, race is also a challenge here. black people are often expected to play top roles, have big dicks and perform wildly in bed. Even though, it has been proved through series of research that blacks are merely among the biggest but not necessary on the top list. The first thing that strikes a Nigerian (or African) travelling to the Western world is the racial focus not on your intelligence or other forms of personalities, but on the exotic side of the person. Blacks with average-sized dick sometimes get rebuked as if it were their faults.
    Some blacks have also internalized this stereotyping, unfortunately. I remember, a couple of years ago, a Nigerian who first arrived Germany boasting that he could now flaunt his averagely sized dick in the white people’s world, what he couldn’t do back in Nigeria. I warned him of the surprises ahead but he waved away my warnings. about six months later he said ‘oh boy… this white people too get packages too ooo. Some of them big pass our people sef’. He had been invited to several group sex… only to witness huge dicks,, some 9 inches and above… Interestingly, as a black person, some whites still fancy about 7inch dick nevertheless.
    I think this is also common among straight people as well. I remember hearing some of my straight friends trying to take different herbs, especially prior to meeting their girlfriends. When questioned, they’s some of the girls of nowadays like to be manhandled well, otherwise they won’t visit you again…lol.

  5. Alamu
    July 15, 15:07 Reply

    In my opinion, big dicks are the easiest to handle. 8inches and above with reasonable girth. How far the dick goes is something that can be controlled.
    No often, but small dicks with or without girth are just uncomfortable, they go everywhere(not the good kind) and in my experience, they cause the most harm.
    The thing with big dicks is patience, and communication and of course, lube. The way i go through lube ehn, you hear some guys say “don’t put too much lube, i want to feel it”, I’m like “honey, this ain’t pussy”. and the make out game has to be lit, that shii does wonders, trust me. It releases tensions and helps relax the muscles.
    I think tops need to go online and do intensive and extensive research on the anatomy of the ass and how to fuck.
    How do you kiss for a minute and the next thing you want to a BJ and penetration right after.
    If you’re like that, I’m not responsible for your cum, ama cum and leave your ass hanging. I get in the shower, dress up and leave.

  6. Babji
    October 18, 15:18 Reply

    Unfortunately bottoms are to blame, they have become buckets and drainage ditches and anyone who does not have a traffic cone of an entire elephant trunk to shove inside them may as well die and not be gay

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