Sexual roles and preferences have always been a hot topic here on Kito Diaries, with both sides going for the jugular, swords drawn and claws bared.

This piece is not an attempt to reconcile both sides of the divide on this topic. People have a right to believe whatever or think whatever.

You see, there are now so much varying sex roles that I’ve even lost count, and it makes me wonder if we are trying so hard to be appreciated better. In the beginning, all I knew was Top, Bottom and Versatile. But the emergence of ‘versatile top’, ‘versatile bottom’, ‘strict top’, ‘strict bottom’, ‘laps only’ makes it all confusing.

Are we still gays?

Are we still one big rainbow family, struggling to battle homophobia?

Are we even still humans?

Because it seems to me like we are a house divided amongst itself. And if this is the case, this house is bound to fall.

Now, I’m a very homosexual guy. And I have indulged my sexuality in my own very little ways. Most of my sexcapades have been me doing the giving. However, it doesn’t even make me uncomfortable even in the very least to admit that I’ve been the recipient a couple of times. Whether I enjoyed it or not is not the issue here. What’s important to say is that it didn’t make me any less or more gay than I’ve always been.

I see no reason why there should be drama over how a person wants to be treated when it comes to sex. Some people want to be owned and stuffed. Some want to dominate. Some want to be caressed and cuddled. It is not written on faces or prescribed by size or by figure. People just want what they want.

My point: Sex is fluid, not technical or mechanical. It doesn’t come with a users’ manual. People should do what they like in bed. There’s really no need hammering and pinning a role on your forehead like it’s some rainbow tiara you won in a drag pageant.

The fact that you are Top doesn’t make the Bottom guy any less than you are. Think of it this way: you are the Top in your relationship, but one day your partner demands to do some topping. Will you quit the relationship because you feel you are a ‘strict top’? Or your Top boyfriend asks to feel your dick in him, even though he’s stereotypically built as the macho man. Will you say no and break up with him because you fancy yourself a ‘strict bottom’?

Yes, some people want to be identified with a particular role. But adhering strictly to roles only promotes stereotypes. Being gay is to be attracted to the same sex and not necessarily about sex, whether active or passive. If we must fight for equality, we must start from within. Division based on our sexual roles only leave us more vulnerable to attacks from homophobes, as it appears as though we are not united from inside.

It is hard enough, the challenges and difficulties tossed at us by society as members of the LGBTQ community. Breaking free, away from stereotypes, would be a bold step. Otherwise, we are handing our oppressors more weapons to bring us down with.

The world is evolving. Change is here, no matter how gradual. We can’t sit and wallow in mythical stereotypes as to who takes the dick or not. We ought to be at the forefront of this change, as beacons of light.

Written by Masked Man

Previous Those Awkward Moments (Episode 10)
Next KD’s Fashion Police: MTV Africa Music Awards 2015

About author

You might also like

Our Stories 4 Comments


The thing with being subjected to queerphobic violence by a socially-constructed heterosexual majority group is that amidst the violence, you’re expected to accept the barest minimum from the ‘decent’ ones

Our Stories 51 Comments


There’s nothing I hate more than laundry, I thought to myself one hot sunny Saturday afternoon as I spread the last T-shirt on the laundry line in the backyard. At

Our Stories 26 Comments


You remember the first day you saw him; he had been wearing a blue shirt. It had been remarkable because it was your orientation week and you first-years had not


  1. Francis
    July 22, 05:41 Reply

    If you really appreciate someone walking a lil bit of the extra mile to please that person shouldn’t be difficult.

    “Free your mind and the rest will follow
    Be color blind, don’t be so shallow”

    *signs up for comments and awaits the wig snatching and dragging*

    • Keredim
      July 22, 06:09 Reply

      Francis get it right. It is
      “Free your mind and your arse will follow..”

      • Francis
        July 22, 06:22 Reply

        @Keredim: LMAO. 10 days. If you dey Naija I for say na you enjoy this long vacation pass. lol

  2. Max
    July 22, 07:59 Reply

    I owe you a kiss.. @MM.. Beautiful.
    Now lemme share this with some bishes.

  3. pete
    July 22, 08:25 Reply

    being gay is not a cult where there are laid down rules. we are humans & have different mindsets. if I’m doing what makes me happy,why should I care whether you agree with it or not?

  4. Khaleesi
    July 22, 09:15 Reply

    Beautiful concise, well expressed piece! A lot of the dichotomy over roles ia a throwback to our culture where masculinity is elevated over femininity. Receiving dick connotes femininity and therefore inferiority, so long as these attitudes remain deeply ingrained in the subconscious of many gays, then the role dichotomy will remain as vibrant as ever. The way i see it, and thats what i practice, if i like a man, i want to get sexually intimate with him – whether he penetrates me or vice versa is usually not of major importance to me, the physical/sexual intimacy is my major preoccupation. …

  5. Kester
    July 22, 09:49 Reply

    Free my mind? Wondering how shocked my guy would be if I told him I want to be tied and moderately whipped, verbally abused then cuddle/pampered afterwards.

    • Pink Panther
      July 22, 10:41 Reply

      *jaw dropping open* Why, Kester, please don’t free that mind biko. Unless of course you meet a Christian Grey.

    • Francis
      July 22, 11:03 Reply

      @Kester wow! That’s hot. #TeamKinky

  6. Eros
    July 22, 10:44 Reply

    Hey Masquerade! How market? 😀😀😀

  7. Kester
    July 22, 11:25 Reply

    My point exactly! How many people can handle a freed mind? Me? Don’t wanna scare bae away so I keep my freaky mind to myself. @Francis you have no idea. Maybe it’s my inner melancholy some times I spring up a quarrel hoping to get slapped, I lash back of course but the make up sex and reaffirmation of love is worth it (pls judge not) # please don’t try at home, school or office

    • Francis
      July 22, 11:30 Reply

      @Kester lol. What you really really like in bed should never come up until you’re sure the relationship is the real deal and both parties are willing to do whatever it takes to make it work.

      Some people go hear slap around and domestic violence things go enter their mind and dem go dust slippers take off.

  8. Jamie
    July 22, 16:30 Reply

    I agree with the writer that role stereotypesare often baseless!! But then, if you’re making a choice, and you do not consider your partner, that sounds like what I’d call selfishness!!
    People have choices, and most times, it’s not about fear of stereotypes, it’s about how they feel. The strict bottom whose proffessed ”strict top” wakes up one day to request for a Di*k has every right to be disgusted, as he never bargained for it.
    If you are going out wth someone and you do not set your goals straight, things won’t work. A versatile and a Top got into a relationship. And yes, the top knew the versatile would need sex, which he wouldnt be comfortable to offer…and the versatile couldn’t stay with someone he couldn’t fu*k; after deliberating, since they loved each other so much, they agreed to date, with NO SEX INVOLVED!! And it worked!! At the end of the day, if the urge to have sex was bolder, it wouldn’t have been bad for them to split.
    People have a right to make choices and tell you about it. If you are comfortable, go on. If not, leave!!

  9. KingBey
    July 25, 13:26 Reply

    There could be medical reasons that can make one get stuck to one role even though they want to explore…..It’s not just possible. And I know guys who can’t even get an erection during sex…..they are just receivers and gets their own satisfaction that way. But in the long run, it still boils down to being comfy and staying safe regardless of what anyone says.

Leave a Reply