The +++ Journals: Entry IX

The +++ Journals: Entry IX

Here’s to Love, Sex and a Little Bit of Positivity…

The sex cycle of a gay positive man most times, well at least according to Temi’s dictionary, goes thus:

‘Initially the libido dwindles; the dick shrivels, and the hole tightens up until it is as tight as a wee-baby’s ass (gross analogy ba!).’

From my own personal experiences, I could tie this downward spiral to the fact that I constantly blamed the dastardly act for what I would have called my predicament at that point. I, Temidire Durotimi Cole, HATED SEX! – well, at least for that short interlude. During my Great Depression and even beyond that, the thought of a dick made my skin crawl. Porn disgusted me, especially the black bareback kind I was so hooked on. I am sure Smile Networks would have been unhappy about this because it was bad business for them at that time!

But this phase fizzled out and I was soon back to my good ol’ horny self. I transitioned faster than some others. I think I was able to do this because I addressed all, well most, of my demons and was able to forge ahead. Despite the return of the wanton libido, I knew I would struggle to get it up in the bedroom. I was constantly plagued by thoughts ranging from torn condoms to kissing someone who had a cold sore or shooting cum down someone’s throat or in someone’s eye (Augustine in Looking’s debacle). So I tried to feed my sexual cravings on my own. There was subscribed porn and lube; a flesh tight and a nice, thick lifelike dildo (for anyone who wants to buy sex toys in Naija, holla at me!).

But no matter how creative I seemed to get with it, there was nothing like the feel of another brother’s skin against mine, the throb of the penis, the sigh, the flicker of a tongue, the post-sex intimacy… No measure of creativity could replace that.

I hollered at my wing man; he’s been trying to strike the balance by still trying to keep things as normal as possible between us and doting over me like an only child.

T. Cole: E-boo-bae-dick-e! Lover of my soul! Your Lolo greets you!

Josh: Lmao! Nne, you are welcome… *kiss*

T. Cole: Thank you my king! *batting eyelashes*, how u dey na? You haven’t even checked up on me in a while. Darriz not fine @ all o!

Josh: Lol! We spoke yesterday on the phone…

T. Cole: Well… today is another day… *tongue out*

Josh: Haha! No vex, my baby… How u de?

T. Cole: I am fine… horny as a rabbit! *covers face*

Josh: Lmao!!! That is a good thing… at least we are past the issue of getting up… and you always know what to do, go to that bottom drawer of yours and power up the machines!

T. Cole: Lol! Mumu… am afraid those things don’t seem to work for me anymore… I need tha real D… I am thirsty for a pipe that’s not made of rubber!!!

Josh: Lol. That shouldn’t be difficult… u have too many boy-toys on your list. Just ring them up… I am sure they would gladly come through!

T. Cole: I am ‘fraiding… especially after my last close shave with Shrek…

Josh: Lol! Who be Shrek again?

T. Cole: Tunde na! No be you give am Shrek…

Josh: Lol. It’s not me o! Anyways what did he do?

T. Cole: The nigga came over last weekend, looking all scrumpleecious… Apparently he just “happened” to be in the neighbourhood and decided to check up on me since I had been ignoring his calls and messages. I could not even form I was not at home because my car was outside and my aproko neighbour told him I was in…

Josh: Lol! And then…

T. Cole: Anyways we got chatting, had a couple of shots… he smelt so good… I had not intentions walahi… even when he kissed me, I didn’t kiss back… until…

Josh: Until…

T. Cole: Until he nibbled on my ear, tweaking my nipple simultaneously… hmmm… and you know what that does to your sister… *covers face*

Josh: Lol. Ashawo!! Domitila!

T. Cole: Haha! Na u sabi… So before I knew it… clothes had flown off and the roro was getting intense, his tongue was working magic all over my body… and then I felt a little nudge down below. I even think say na finger because it had been a while, and then I looked below. Oga was making entry without a rubber! Ori mi tona!

Josh: Lmao! But that’s some serious shit… what happened next…

T. Cole: I pulled away sharply na! And then he looks at me with those lost puppy eyes and says… haba what’s the matter… are we not both clean? Fortunately for me, his phone rang at that very moment and I kuku used that one to wear my clothes back. By the time he got off the phone, I was fully clothed and seating far away from him… mumbled one lie that I wasn’t feeling too good and also needed to dash to the chemist… Bobo seemed disappointed but I was doing him the biggest favour, at least I think…

Josh: Hmmm… Heavy…

T. Cole: So imagine if I wasn’t tested and aware of my status… imagine if I was in a dark place where I believed spreading the virus was the solution… It would have been so damn easy…

Josh: Well Thank God Mama Theresa is all about rainbows and unicorns and the ultimate good of man!

T. Cole: Ode! *tongue out* For real though… that dude lit a fire in my boogina! O ti lana… I need a good fuck, man but…

Josh: But kini?

T. Cole: I cannot seem to reconcile having sex and not sharing my status with my partner. I don’t feel it is fair. I feel like the person has the right to know. If it were me, I would like to know too…

Josh: Lol. Before you knew about your status, did u ever have any conversation about your HIV status with any of those your one-night stands? There was and should never be a need to. At least I think so. The only thing you can do now is to ensure that you guys always strap on before u fuck… that way, you protect the guy as much as you can…

T. Cole: As much as you can…

Josh: Yeah. There are also chances that something can go awry during intercourse. The condom can tear or he might be kinky and you’ll cum in his mouth and he has one small cut somewhere… again, not a certainty but e fit happen. So it’s either we deal with it or you take a celibacy vow and join the convent.

T. Cole: You like to speak plenty English sha when matter de serious. So come and give me market… someone preferably not a student or a married man or a budding Pulitzer Prize winner… Just a regular roughneck… *grins*

Josh: Lmao! So na agbero life you wan come spoil? Who told you he can’t be a great somebody in the future… smh for you! Evil girl!

T. Cole: Haba… that wasn’t what I meant… I just feel like with a student or married man, there is more at stake if the uncertainty happens… so let me be with someone that I will feel less guilty with, if upon all my carefulness, something goes wrong… or maybe I should just become a nun. *sigh*

Josh: Lol. It’s a bit warped in my opinion. But wetin u de talk make sense small… just small… still not the best way to look at things but I see where u are coming from…

T. Cole: Lol. Whatever… then I shall become Most Reverend Sister Cole. Anyways I have to go now. Ose dear. I will buzz you soonest… *kisses*

Josh: *kisses* and if u fail in ur quest, remember you always have a lesbian in me!

T. Cole: ROTFL! You are a hot mess walahi… later!

After chatting with Josh, I wondered if joining a convent was really the way forward. Perhaps with this, I could channel my wanton libido towards a good course… but nah! Probably would have become the seminary whore after like a week, two weeks at best, and sucked off all the other aspiring fathers and altar boys into my horny web.

So, I decided to reactivate my Grindr, Hornet and Badoo accounts. At least even if I don’t intend to meet any new boys, maybe online flirting would leave me feeling somewhat fulfilled.

The Grindr boys in my axis were the self-obsessed lot I remembered them to be. Mostly interested in only what they could get from the now, and once they discovered you were only there to chat and dilly-dally on random conversations, they ignored you or blocked you completely. Badoo was too risky after hearing of several Kito or near-Kito shaves that had originated from the site; besides the boys there did not seem very knowledgeable either. Hornet, I had never really used in the past because I didn’t like the chatting interface. However I decided to give it all a go.

And as usual we had them all; the good, the bad, the ugly… all the guys Sinnex had written about and then some more. Some conversations ended with a picture, others with a naughty picture. Sometimes we made it as far as BBM, other times we made it as far as a first date. But I met some special people. The type who just get you… whom on your first conversations on Grindr or Badoo or whatever, you simply forget to ask for a picture, the ones you are glad to give your number, pin or whatever, and even after days of idle and random chatter, there was always something to still talk about.

One of them was a twenty-three-year-old dreamer, big as a grizzly bear, playful as a puppy. He had a mischievous glint in his eye and childlike optimism that was infectious. I agreed to meet him on a lazy Sunday afternoon. We spent the day nibbling on gummy bears and playing Sonic Racing. We listened to the best of Sade and kissed and cuddled. I fell asleep in his arms. The communication was seamless; the affection seemed to flow both ways. I didn’t mind that I was his Demi Moore and he was my Ashton. We hung out the next Friday which was a public holiday and the weekend after that. He asked me out that night.

“I know we promised to take things slow, one day at a time, but I also feel like I shouldn’t hold this back… Temi, I want us to be together.”

“But we are together… right now… in this car…” I said. trying to make light of the situation.

He laughed and clasped my hands in his. “I’m usually the clown!” he said, pulling at my nose and making honky sounds as he did.

“Foolish boy! Shey na my nose you de call horn!”

He guffawed. “Your nose is perfect the way it is…”

I rolled my eyes. “Whatever! I’m still going to get a nose job!”

“For real… your nose is perfect the way it is… I love it… I love you…”

I smiled wryly at him. “Wow. Papa Bear… I am really flattered… but things are rather complicated right now. I want to be with you. At least I think so. But we cannot date. At least right now. Let’s keep taking things one day at a time…”

He sighed. “Okay.”

I sighed too. And we sat in the comfortable silence, holding hands.

Alone with my thoughts, I wondered if the universe was truly conspiring against me. Here I was with this not-so-perfect-but-amazing guy who I thought I was crazy about. And I could not be with him because I was HIV positive. To sleep with a guy you never have to see again is one thing. To be in a relationship and leaving out a significant part of information was a totally different ball game; one I wasn’t sure I was ready to play at this period.

At this moment, I feel like if I am ever going to date a guy, I should be able disclose something this personal to him. I know it’s a tall order and I probably might not meet a guy who would accept being with a poz guy, except he is positive too or something. I mean, if I was negative and I met a poz guy I really, really liked, would I date him, regardless of how enlightened I thought I was back then.

First however, I need to work on myself, get the counts up and figure out what to do with the rest of my life. Maybe somewhere down the road, love will come again, and if not, then we would revisit that German Shepherd issue.

I smiled.

“Why the mischievous smirk on your face?” my dreamer whispered in my ear.

“Nothing. Just enjoying this very moment together… when the week starts, we may not find time to see each other for a while again…”

He smiled and kissed me. I kissed him back and mentally began to untie the little strings that bound me and him, one by one. And when all that remained were bittersweet memories of what we could have been, I would write a song or a poem or a short story about the one that got away.

XOXO

Written by Temi-D

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  1. Dubem
    September 15, 06:24 Reply

    This is hands-down the best episode of this series. Wow. I almost cried at that (to borrow from Teflondon) poignant ending. Temi, I’m grateful for your jounrey so far. The way you handle your strength and vulnerabilities is just amazing. This issue of love, sex and the poz guy is a tough one, honestly. Bobby battled with it too. A couple of poz guys I know battle with it. And that battle speaks to the good of humanity, if you ask me. Becos it shows the existence of a strong conscience. Think about when a poz guy doesn’t want to think about it or draw back becos of those reins of conscience. That’s how he’ll go on an infection rampage.
    But finally gay guys though. Just see how easily that unprotected sex would have happened with Shrek aka Tunde. *smh*

    • Dennis Macaulay
      September 15, 06:30 Reply

      Dubem but people on treatment who are doing well have a reduced risk of transmission, plus using a condom further reduces that risk.

      Or did I read wrongly?

      • Dubem
        September 15, 06:32 Reply

        Where did I say anything to contend the issue of the risk of transmission?

        • Dennis Macaulay
          September 15, 06:34 Reply

          Relax, I am asking! You obviously know more about the subject than I do, so I asked!

          **smile**

  2. Dennis Macaulay
    September 15, 06:25 Reply

    This was powerful, very powerful!

    I cannot even begin to imagine the thoughts that go through your head.

    Thankyou for Writing this journal, for sharing hope

  3. Max
    September 15, 06:26 Reply

    Only the last part of this entry made sense. The chat part with the friend was highly irritating.
    I still have no idea how you’ll be able to date anyone, I don’t. Most people will run the other way once you tell them. I could tell you to keep mute (afterall most people don’t talk about status, they all assume they’re both negative), but then depending on the strength of your conscience, you might not be able to do it. I could tell you to come clean, but then you run the risk of scaring him off.
    It’s a very difficult situation, and I can sit here and tell you its gonna be ok, but I don’t think it’ll be. It’ll get harder before it gets better.

    • Pink Panther
      September 15, 06:29 Reply

      Doctor Tough Love to the ER! Paging Doctor Tough Love to the ER! 😀

    • Dennis Macaulay
      September 15, 06:33 Reply

      But like I always say if you are sexually active in this country then the chances are that you have had sex with a positive guy, you just did not know it. You used a condom out of routine which may have protected you!

      • Chuck
        September 15, 19:27 Reply

        Depends on how you vet the people you sleep with

  4. Santa Diaba
    September 15, 07:13 Reply

    It’s a tough road you’re walking, but you have already demonstrated the required strength to prevail.
    Good luck on your journey bro ???

  5. KryxxX
    September 15, 07:34 Reply

    I really find it heartwarming when you get to hear about positive ppl who still put others first nd not themselves and their urges! Hard but definitely commendable! I hope we get more of ur kind cos ppl r mean! Very mean! Nice read Temi!

    Chai! That chat with ur friend shaa! D kind of chat nd friend I like!??! Free, uninhibited like d air! We will just be doing amebo eh! Plenty plenty amebo nd gossips! Lol! And y do I feel that your “grizzly bear ” is Chestnut! You described him nd a Chestnut popped into my head!???????

    • #Chestnut
      September 15, 08:26 Reply

      Kryxxx why are u like this,ehn? Person go just dey hide for back, dem go call am say make him com do opening speech.hian!

      • KryxxX
        September 15, 09:39 Reply

        Hide for back keh!
        Eziokwu!
        You that is always thinking out loud with a megaphone!

  6. Peak
    September 15, 07:44 Reply

    Temi D!

    This entry was all degrees of hilarious. You and Josh are just old clowns.
    I was thoroughly entertained and educated.
    There was the “awww moment”, and then the bittersweet ending happened.
    Like Dubem metioned above, ur strength and vulnerability just wows all the time.

    Awesome read.

  7. Chizzie
    September 15, 08:20 Reply

    Just like Max, I also thought the chat part was irritating and unnecessary. Also when you refer to yourself in your full name with an ‘I’ in front, its hard for me to stifle a laugh just because it reminds me of a Nollywood scene where a Yoruba woman soliloquies over her cheating husband.

    Best of luck

  8. JArch
    September 15, 09:31 Reply

    I agree with Dubem. Temi you’ve come a really long way and we’ve followed you as you navigate through life while being positive. its never an easy thing for one to admit he’s positive, the fear of rejection is ever prominent, no one likes to be rejected for any reason whatsoever. But the thing is you’re taking it one at a time and slowly putting yourself out there.

    Your conversation with Josh was really amusing, it still shows that you’ve not “changed” at all despite being poz, plus Josh serves as a role model for everyone that just because a friend or whoever tested positive, that doesn’t mean drastic changes need to occur in terms of friendship. Everyone needs someone they can let their hair down with in good times or bad times.

    OAN: Kryxxx I agree with you, that grizzly bear sounds alot like Chestie **cycles away slowly**

    • #Chestnut
      September 15, 10:35 Reply

      @Jarch: My Yaweh wee answer u and Kryxxx…

      • JArch
        September 15, 13:44 Reply

        I didn’t do anything naw **adjust halo**

  9. Teflondon
    September 15, 12:30 Reply

    I admire your strength, courage and humor to life. its really not easy being a poz-gay guy esp in this country. we think we have problems but realize how irrelevant those problems or worries are when bigger problems pop up.
    i don’t know if this is a reasonable thing to say but whenever i have issues or go through difficult stages (Like not driving the latest cars or using the latest accessories like my frnds and colleagues) i console myself in the facts that there are people (like poz people and cancer patients) out there that have bigger issues/ problems to deal with and then i become relieved again. it sounds insensitive but this is just the reality of things.
    i pray for you Temi, Dubem, Bobby and Co. for God to continue to strengthen you lot and give you inner peace and happiness.

    • Jumbo
      September 15, 13:22 Reply

      @Tefwatever: You are just a senseless being. There are many poz guys and cancer patients with better lives than yours. Disgusting Petrol tanker.

      • Teflondon
        September 15, 17:06 Reply

        “There are many poz guys and cancer patients with better lives than yours.”
        Definitely! i couldn’t agree any less BUT i thank God for the life i have. *Smile*

  10. iamcoy
    September 15, 15:02 Reply

    powerful entry Temi…
    i am still holding my breath for ur CD4 figures on next appointment.

    • Francis
      September 16, 00:25 Reply

      These days I no dey trust CD4 figures. Na viral load be the koko. Hopefully awon NGOs go help us make am a biannual affair

  11. La-Coozee
    September 15, 16:17 Reply

    Khaleesi, can we be friends? I see you are an NSG reader too.

  12. La-Coozee
    September 15, 16:27 Reply

    Awwww. I just read the post now and it seemed to make my loveless life boring. Sinnex darling… come and give me a hug. If I die a single virgin, I want to die in your arms.

  13. Francis
    September 16, 00:35 Reply

    Max and Chizzie na wa oh. Such bitterness. Hian! *you guys need a lil bit of joy in ya lives* ??

    That chat was the cutest/sweetest thing ever.

    @Max I think he has gone past the hard phase. Someone folks are just equipped to move on faster than others and with HIV the faster you move on the better for your immune system.

    Temi congrats on your journey, you seem to be doing just fine and I hope it stays an upward journey for you. Abeg no go fuck up begin find cure or TB Joshua along the line. Just stick with the meds, proper diet, exercise and prayers and you’ll be just fine.?

    Personally the thought of dating someone positive don cross my mind once. (Some cute patients be walking into the clinic from time to time) I’d have to be literally obsessed with that person to go down that road sha. (PREP no be small matter)

    Wish you the very best man ?

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