Hello. I have been wanting to reach out for a long while, but each time I try, I always find myself lacking the words to say what I feel. I’m thirty-one years old, and married with three children.
For some time now, I’ve been having these strong feelings for men, so strong and so often that most times, I find myself wishing I was never married. As cliché as this might sound of us married gay men, I am dating a young man. And whenever I’m with my boyfriend, I feel so complete. I feel this freedom that I don’t ever have with my wife. For the record, I was already married before I discovered who I truly am, before I discovered my attraction to men. And the fact that this newness is now threatening to take over me makes me confused, unsure how to handle it. Oftentimes, I even just want to run away. Or maybe get a divorce. But I’m hampered by my obligations to my family.
Because, you see, I love my wife. She is the best woman there is. I just feel like I don’t deserve her. And like I’m punishing her, because as it is now, our sex life is almost dead.
I appear happy outwardly but every day that passes by, I die a little bit on the inside because I’m 100% certain that I’m gay. When I started feeling ‘too gay’ for my comfort, I was alarmed and proceeded to do everything I could to stop. It was all an exercise in futility. I have now accepted the fact that I’m gay and I don’t want to fight it again.
But here I am, bothered, dying behind the happy facade of a family man.
I need help. What do I do?
Submitted by Blue Ice