JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 45)

August 8

Something came to my notice a few days back. Two straight girls can kiss each other, grind against each other in the clubs, hold hands on the road and mean nothing by it. People tend to assume that they are just having fun or seeking attention or just being girls… Because it seems to be generally accepted that the female sexuality is fluid.

For guys, it’s a different story entirely. You can’t kiss a guy even on the cheek or dance with a guy or hold his hand (for the most part) without people either thinking you’re a confused homo or bisexual.

Guys aren’t seen as people who can have ‘gay’ behaviours unless they actually are. Immediately a guy does anything remotely sexual with another guy, then he’s tagged gay. I think there’s a flaw to this reasoning, especially looking at how straight females can get away with lesbian behaviour.

The issue arises from heteronormativity – females are seen as people who are sexually fluid (which isn’t a lie) and men as more sexually rigid people (the straight ones). The general consensus is that straight men should or will not get an erection or have sex unless it’s to spread their seed, even if it’s on a subconscious level.

But I think it’s possible for guys to have sexual relations with fellow guys without being gay. And no, I’m not talking about gay-for-pay or because you’re stuck in prison or in an all-boys boarding school. Those ones are usually done in extreme circumstances (well sort of).

I’m talking about straight guys who are best of buds, so they can do stuff like grind against each other, say ‘I love you’ to each other, put their heads on each other’s shoulders, cuddle when sleeping. Most times, they aren’t saying or doing all that because they have some sexual attraction to the other person, but just because they have reached that level of brotherly love.

Another example is the white boy fraternities, where they haze their recruits. They make their recruits do some pretty nasty shii, which sometimes involves making a recruit give them blow jobs or rim them. That sounds so gay, right? The image that also tends to come to mind is that these recruits are not happy doing these things, but because they want to get into the fraternity, they suck it up. And when they finally become a part of the fraternity, they do it to the upcoming new recruits as a sort of revenge thing.

However, when these things are done, according to what I read, the new recruits aren’t even thinking about their sexuality, and it’s even usually done with some jovialness, because nobody is thinking, ‘Oh, I’m doing this gay thing!’ Rather, they’re thinking, ‘I’m doing this weird thing… I’m doing this disgusting thing…’ They take it like they’re making out with a fish.

So I think it’s quite erroneous to believe that because a guy has sex with another guy, that means he’s gay or bi. He might very well still be straight. What matters here is attraction and what form it comes in. The best friends may become romantically interested in each other; then you may very well call them gay or bi, because the dynamics of the relationship has changed. The frat boy recruit – if he finds out he really enjoyed having a dick in his mouth, then his own dynamics have changed too.

To put it much more simply, just because a gay guy can have sex with a woman or whatever, it doesn’t make him straight or bi. Most times he’s just playing the part. So the reverse can be true for straight guys.

So let’s be a bit calm when we find out that guy likes holding our hand or touches your dick in jest. It might mean nothing to him, so proceed on your investigation with utmost caution.

*

What do you do when you have unrequited affection? How quickly should you try to move on from it?

I think gone are the days when people actually tried to woo who they wanted to date. Love has become a matter of convenience than actual feeling. Love is all on its own, but people mistake the innate difficulty of love for stress that is unnecessary and decide to call it quits, so that there’s an endless cycle of people they fall in love with and leave when the innate difficulty becomes more apparent, mostly because they never really loved the person in the first place.

That’s why I’ve resolved to never say ‘I love you’ to anyone until I’m sure that even when things are difficult, I’d still stick with the person.

The first few months should be a “I really, really, really, really, really, really like you” thing. Maybe getting to know how compatible you are with each other and making sure it’s not some long drawn out infatuation.

Maybe after that, you can assume you’re in love.

But there’s no real timetable for that. And niggas these days are impatient.

I used to be impatient. But I’ve had too many instances where today I’m single and I meet somebody and three days later I’m in a relationship. During those times, the transitioning would be hard. Come on, I was a hoe just three days ago and I’m supposed to turn off that button just like that. Even for the ones that lasted, during the first few weeks had me cheating a few times; and then after a while, it just sort of mellowed out as I developed loyalty to the person I was dating.

It’s also much easier for me to not cheat when I’m the one who makes up my mind not to. I remember someone who I really (no six reallys here, it wasn’t that deep) liked and was trying to be chaste for, but immediately he told me I can’t go fucking around, I felt caged in. Lol.

I guess I liked to know that I could have sex outside if I wanted to. So it was easy for me to ignore it. But immediately I was told I couldn’t/shouldn’t, I began to long for the thing I couldn’t have (technically). It’s messed up, I think. But I’m just being honest. Besides, maybe I didn’t like the guy that much because I’m sure him telling me not to wouldn’t have made so much of a difference since I was already intending not to. But there’s something about wanting to be your own man even when you’re someone else’s man…

*

Sometimes I wish I had a much bigger ego, even though I’m happy with my ego most of the time.

I want to be able to want someone quite badly but still be askance about it because I don’t want to look desperate in that person’s eyes, even though I’m like really desperate. Lol.

But I don’t know how to pretend when it comes to feelings and emotions. I think I’ve said it before. I’m either in or out, and if I do try to pretend, it doesn’t last long. And so far, the consequences of my pretence have been less than palatable, so I think I prefer to be open.

When I’m mad at someone, I show it. When I’m infatuated, I show it. When I’m in love, I show it in my own way. Keeping things inside is a burden that’s heavy for me to carry. It sometimes even manifests itself as physical attributes. I get moments when I feel choked, I start to clench my teeth regularly. And when I let out whatever it is I’m keeping inside, it’s like a torrent that can be overwhelming for the person it’s unleashed on.

I’m also never one to be shy about apologising or admitting that I am wrong. The other person doesn’t even need to apologise if he played a part, because my apology is about me not him. I however get mad if you tell me “Sorry” instead of “I’m sorry”. Sorry kind of sounds like, “The only reason you’re being upset is because you want to be. I had no part in this, but since you want to be comforted, here, have a quick ‘sorry’ to eat.”

Hmmm… I seem to have digressed from what I was talking about. What was it? Err… Yeah… Egos.

I want a big egoooo!

Such a big egoooo!

Cause he’ll love my big egooooooo!

Lol.

Anyways, I told my friend about how I wish I was a more egotistical person, and he told me not to even think it, that it’s not a common thing to see someone who could be humble enough to try to make things work with his partner. The problem with ego and pride is that relationships, both platonic and otherwise, that could have been salvaged are often destroyed because of them. Of course you need just enough to make sure you don’t become like a dog (though anyone who takes your humbling yourself for them as you being a dog should buy some sense). You need just enough to know when you’re being disrespected and stand up for yourself. But not up to the point where it gets in the way of resolving issues or paying that compliment or apologising for a wrongdoing. Just enough to have substantial self worth, but not too much to think you’re the centre of the universe.

Okay, he didn’t say it exactly like that. But I thought about it on my own, and though sometimes when I’m lovesick like I currently am, and the person of interest keeps sending me mixed signals which usually seems to be lack of interest, I wish I could be like so many of the hardcore guys out there and move on, instead of pining and trying to earn/win/attain his affection. I still think that for a guy, my ego is pretty neat. And yes, I’m still talking about it literally. Seriously, you people need to get your minds out of the cesspool *wallows in sewer water*. Lol.

*

Something happened recently where someone called me a snob because I didn’t reply his compliment on a Facebook post.

Lol… I am guilty of snobbery. I will defend myself by saying that it’s not every time a human being is in a mood to tap away at his phone to endless questions of “how are you, what are you doing, you good? Have you eaten?” Unless you’re my man, then I can do that. And I do not expect everyone to have my time when I try to converse with them maybe because I’m bored. So I don’t get offended when my ‘hey’ gets no reply because I probably wouldn’t even have been able to carry along the conversation for long in the first place.

And yes, it is somewhat true that those who truly care about you will try to make out time to text you, but if you decide that memes from the Internet are the philosophies by how you want to live your life, then be my guest. But be ready to realise that shii isn’t as black and white or the shade of filter those inspirational memes are saying they are.

Anyway, the real issue isn’t the guy calling me a snob. It’s him expecting a reply to his compliment that is the issue.

What’s the motive of a compliment? To praise. To make the other person feel good sometimes. To show that you are in agreement or like what the other person has done. That’s what a genuine compliment especially on social media is.

However compliments that are given in hopes that a person would notice you, strike up a conversation maybe, and then y’all can get married and tell your adopted kid, “It all started out when your dad finally replied the DM where I told him I liked his poem.”

It wasn’t even exactly a compliment from the guy sef. He was simply agreeing with something I said. So I don’t think I feel bad about not responding. If he wanted to talk, a ‘hey’ via messenger would have solved everything.

And really, people only compliment when you genuinely like what the person has done, so if you hazard complimenting because you hope he’d notice you and a conversation will be struck up, well, good luck. It could happen but don’t bet on it.

*

There’s a church beside my house. I have so many issues with it. Lol.

First and foremost is the noise. I geddit, you can’t get soundproof buildings for churches in Nigeria. Does it however hurt to be considerate when you hold services, especially in the middle of the night? People have had a long week. People need to sleep. People need to study. People need some level of quiet. It’s quite wrong to keep your speakers as loud as possible. It’s a small church; I’m sure you don’t need the speakers cranked up to the volume it is.

Then when the pastor prays, he screams and that has been a source of a few awakenings. Then I wouldn’t be able to go to bed and I’d be forced to listen to warfare against marine spirits who are probably also trying to catch some sleep.

And don’t let me get started on the constant Friday prayers against marine spirits and dwarves and demons. I believe they exist and that the spiritual does affect the physical to some degree. But I also wonder by how much.

How much does the witch from your village who’s after your five-year-old son have an effect on the fact that your son died in a car crash? Or that you fell sick? Or that misfortune seems to have befallen you? How do you know these things aren’t just life happening to you? Speaking biblically ever since Adam sinned, things have been hard for us.

Christians are being disillusioned that misfortune shouldn’t before them. So if they actually get some degree of misfortune, they blame it on supernatural forces. And they start to pray vehemently against what I’d like to think are nonexistent enemies. They don’t examine why they have those misfortunes in the first place. Is God trying to get their attention? Is there something He’s trying to tell them? Are they doing something wrong? Sometimes bad things happen to you just because God needs to grab your attention.

That makes God seem uncaring, doesn’t it? How does a loving Father allow misfortune to befall his children?

Here’s the thing: God wants you to reach your destination safely even more than He wants your happiness while on earth. He will take away your happiness or what makes you happy, as long as it would draw your attention to whatever is wrong at that moment in your relationship with Him. Kind of like a father grounding his son or spanking him. God will catch your attention in the softest ways (nature, blessings, etc) but when necessary, He will do the extreme (hardships, turmoil, etc).

So I think Nigerians have it wrong most times. When you become a Christian, you are untouchable! Hard to believe? It’s the truth! You are only touched when God allows it (Remember Job?). So maybe next time, before we pray against marine spirits, we could ask God first what we did wrong.

(The pastor just blamed people falling asleep in church and babies crying and disrupting services on a demon named ‘Anem’. You see what I’m saying?)

What pains me is that my mum tends to buy into these things and I feel like it’s a sort of bondage in itself. This fear of the spiritual that makes her become a bit irrational. Last time I was home, she was telling me to be careful about the articles or clothing I wore, the kind of belts and all of that, that the devil owns some of these companies that make them.

I was dumbfounded. And disappointed.

Fear mongers everywhere. Fear mongers distracting people as to what the real issues of life are.

Okay, I’m preaching a sermon. I’m just frustrated. And this church still has their vigil. Lemme try to get some sleep.

Written by James