JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 52)
November 20
I’ve been doing some contemplating today. Looking back on this year so far, and I guess it’s been alright. I’ve learnt a number of things about myself and others.
I have had a number of relationships and each of them ended for different reasons. Some I ended, others were ended by the other person. It was the most recent breakup that made me realise I needed to think things through, because at the rate I was going, I’d become a pretty messed-up person in no distant time.
So far so good this year, I haven’t dated anyone. I have fallen for a few people but it didn’t reach anywhere near the level of pursuing a romantic relationship.
I’ve been feeling restless of late and I think it stems from the fact that I’ve started wanting more again. I’ve got a…er, vibrant sex life. But I want more than that. I know I’m young and all, but man, I don’t want to not be able to start building something now for when I’m older so I’ll have someone who loves me as much as I love them.
It’s a slim chance and the odds are against us as Nigerian gay men. It seems easy to give up, you know. Say that there’s no such thing as love and focus on the bad, but when you experience love, you just can’t deny that it’s out there. I’ve felt like that for another person (two times actually). It was crazy. The feeling of being invincible and vulnerable at the same time; like come what may, as long as the person was by your side, you had all you wanted and even more. And then it ended, and even though the world still revolved in its axis, I must say a bit of my world was shattered. I patched it up as best as I could, but the cracks are still there.
If I could have felt this then, that means someone out there must feel it too (if I’m possible, then it isn’t impossible), and maybe – just maybe – this person would see me and know me and feel it and I’d feel it too. And it’s that hope that keeps me reaching out and getting hurt, and reaching out again. It’s insane.
It seems easier to just not feel anything, to become really cynical and realistic. You know, grow a hard skin, stop trusting, stop moving so damn fast and falling so damn hard. But if only I knew how to… Even when I attempt to be unfeeling, I know deep down that it’s not me. Someone told me to “just do it”. Well I took his advice, but even under the blanket of emotionlessness, I can still feel my heart beating painfully in my chest. The most I can do is pretend till I’m tired of pretending.
People have come into my life and they’ve also strolled out. And they have proven the fact that talk is cheap.
If there’s anything a year of being single, with love interests strolling in and out, has taught me, it is that many people will get intrigued by you, and then by the time they’ve found out things or figured you out or gotten what they wanted, they will move on, leaving you to feel kind of hollow inside and sometimes inadequate.
People are quick to tell you how talented you are or special, but that’s because you’re shiny and new. The things that make you special are quickly forgotten however when they’ve been given access to you. You’re like that once favorite song that gets fewer replays as time goes on till it gets deleted from the playlist.
Sometimes I feel like I’m on a perpetual stage with people coming and going, and I’m trying different things to catch and keep the attention. Because deep down inside, I know that I’m not all that. I’m just another confused person amongst the myriad of confused people, and I envy whoever has got their shit figured out. And I feel inadequate. That feeling of inadequacy scares the shit out of me.
Of course not everyone sets out to hurt you. We need to remember this. Sometimes they truly believe in their good intentions. But as Madonna sang, “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.” That’s why after the initial hurt, I try to forgive because even I have been guilty of breaking hearts.
I feel weak. I probably am. It’s a dangerous thing to lay out your vulnerabilities to the open. I’m doing this for anyone out there that’s got a few demons like mine, which they are still struggling with. You are not alone. It’s alright to feel however you’re feeling, but it’s not alright to give in to them. You’ll grow older and earn your battle scars. You may defeat your demons. They may become your friends. You may never defeat them. But in the middle of it all, remember that whatever you’re going through just goes to show that you’re alive and kicking. At least take solace in that. And ice cream, for when it gets really bad. Ice cream helps (preferably chocolate chip and cookie dough with a sprinkling of coconut shavings and skittles).
And let whatever it is you’re feeling drive you to want to be better. Let it be your energy. Remember this:
You will come away bruised
But this will give you poetry
The bruising will shatter
The bruising will shatter into black diamond
No-one will sit beside you in class
Maybe your life will work
Most likely it won’t at first
But that will give you poetry. – Yrsa Daley-Ward
*
This is my fifty-second entry; basically a year’s worth of me writing random shii that pops into head. It’s mildly surprising. I’m not this persistent with stuff.
Many thanks to you all who look forward to the entries. Wherever you guys are, know that it’s your energy that keeps me going even when I want to quit.
Written by James
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34 Comments
Raj
November 22, 06:44Its saddening how curiosity of a love interest becomes masked with concern. He is all over you and you have no idea(OK ,u may but u deny) that the end must come.
However,love isn’t the rare metal,mutual love is,cos most humans are emotional beings but on a lonely road just because of lack of “mutual interest”.
I am now basically impassive. Or so I tell myself. Asides being philophobic,few times I have actually tried to care, uu find out how a joke ,the other one sees u.c
Worse is, when u hear stuffs like “we ain’t getting married dude ,quit being a hopeless romantic”. Anyway, I am cynical.. I expect the worse in people so that my surprises would be good ones. So,for a while now,I have become narcissistic person. Basically autosexual. Once in a while have my flings. But for love? Now that’s on hold. For now at least. ..
Tiercel de Claron.
November 22, 06:50“It’s a slim chance and the odds are against us as Nigerian gay men.”
This way of thinking is quite annoying,it’s defeatist.So cos a thing is hard,then it shouldn’t be done?.Have met quite a number of young men who think like that and have taken that as a form of licence to whore around without.
JustJames
November 22, 07:45It only sounds defeatist when you decide to give up based on that. For some it’s an excuse to give up and for others it’s a wake up call to cherish whatever they have if they get lucky.
Tiercel de Claron.
November 22, 08:24Aha,that’s part what I like about you.
Truly an Indigo,you are.
#Chestnut
November 22, 08:35@Tiercel: what’s an “indigo”?
Tiercel de Claron.
November 22, 09:30A downy one.
I mean,one quite gifted in several ways,especially in intellect.
Tiercel de Claron.
November 22, 06:55“The feeling of being invisible and vulnerable at the same time”
Er,it’s invincible James.Invisible is a different word meaning not visible
Chizzie
November 22, 08:08Dude. Can you pls just grow up? Aren’t you like one of the grand daddies in this blog? Your Nazi grammar antics are becoming old or like in your favorite term “too brown”. Be mature enough to focus on the msg without looking for grammatical blunders all the time in a bid to score cool points.
And here’s an idea, how about you write something? Put your money where your mouth is?
Tiercel de Claron.
November 22, 08:22Ah yes,you’ve been noticed.Your Sunday dress all new n beautifully cut.
Run along now,your mates are already in church awaiting service to start.
Stranger
November 23, 15:27Na wa for you oh. #Sir.KnowsALot.
Dennis Macaulay
November 22, 08:05James you are still young and figuring out yourself! I give you ten years and you will grown into your own and see that some of your fears aren’t valid, just a mirage!
I will be waiting and watching!
#Prague
#Chestnut
November 22, 08:33@Dennis: Awon waiters; u go wait taya,lol.
@James: “the things that make u special are quickly forgotten,when they’ve been given access to u”…so true, so, so true. Nothing is more exciting than novelty and mystery. But once u’ve seen/known all there is to a person, “problem solved…challenge surmounted”. it takes a rare person and a lot of work to remain as excited,6 months in,as u were,6 days in.
Dennis Macaulay
November 22, 09:06The “See finish syndrome “
Keredim
November 23, 23:23Just remember “The long and winding road….”?
Jon Snow
November 22, 08:22Thank you James.
Chuck
November 22, 08:26Why are many here so insecure about their grammar?
Dennis Macaulay
November 22, 09:06Because grammar nazis berekete
#Chestnut
November 22, 09:48Hahaha. Chuck,u don’t know that if u do anyhow here,d gramma nazis wee jus use u and do “tinko tinko”.
posh6666
November 22, 09:45Lol so funny how those who are the resident grammar police are jumping to the defence of their own friend today who made a blunder and actually telling someone to stop judging the grammar but get the message.Such height of hypocrisy,double standard,madness and short memory all rolled into one,guess no one is perfect afterall oh well……#awon oyinbo lol
Max
November 23, 15:12*That awkward moment when you see a totally useless and senseless comment and wonder why you even bothered to read it**
*Insert long hiss here**
Stranger
November 23, 15:32You’re just so razz;. I don’t understand how you’re here. You should be screened away or something.
Max
November 23, 18:28*And then they said to Felicia, Byeeee!!** ??
Stranger
November 23, 23:04You know I was talking to posh6million right?
Francis
November 23, 23:06??
Brian Collins
November 24, 08:33You were talking to Posh and asking why he should be here? Thunder fire you dia. What makes you more ‘refined’ than he is? Is Posh not also gay or did pinky tell you he created this website for only the gay ‘elite’? So because someone makes grammatical errors and doesn’t always write things that seem write to you, you deserve to be here more than them. Ol boy, berra thunder must fire you for that talk. Nonsense and condiments.
Stranger
November 24, 09:02You’re apparently his bestie. Iron sharpeneth Iron; you’re both woods.
Francis
November 22, 10:14TDC, I’m with Chizzie on this one. The grammar policing is getting exhausting. We get it already. You don read book tire so tey nothing dey to read again.
Try focusing on the message of the post abeg. E be like say your friends never open mouth tell you say this your habit dey annoying.
Abeg try cool am down small
#JustSaying
Max
November 23, 15:10This is arguably the best piece you’ve written here @James. Your journal has always been a hit or miss, but today, you nailed it. Everything is going to be alright (this is coming from someone who didn’t believe that in the past, but now I do), trust me. *hugs*
posh6666
November 23, 15:45And kitodiaries is back yay!
bruno
November 23, 16:51i think our inherent narcissism make us think people we love owe it to us to love us back and we tend to whine and see it as sometime denied us when it doesn’t happen. we develop a sense of entitlement for other people affection or loyalty.
i don’t think they do. we have set standard regarding other people it doesn’t really register with us that other people are doing exactly the thing and sometime it is us that that do not meet their standard.
and it is really well within their right to reject us in that case. in fact i should go as far as most people should otherwise it would cheapen the beauty of finding someone who is in love with you as much as you are with them.
i’ve loved people who made me cry. i confessed my feelings to guys who just looked at me and laughed. i’ve been enthusiastic about who only greeted me with painful indifference. but if i’m being honest, i’ve also done exactly that an exponentially greater number of people than have done it to me.
but these experiences only make it more beautiful when stars align and you are with a soul mate who is in love with as much as you are with them. love is not cheap. it doesn’t happen several times in a year. it is special. it is scarce. it is supposed to be.
Dick Advocate
November 23, 20:28JustJames you do have a pure heart.. It’s obvious from your write ups. Did I mention you have a beautiful soul too?
I reject crushing on your IJN.
**sprinkles holy water around me**
Gramma Nazis what can I say.. It’s even more sad that this acts are perpetrated by the old papas of the blog who are supposed to be the matured ones amongst us. I fear for the generation of old gay men though it must be said that I can’t wait for them to go extinct really.
Brian Collins
November 24, 08:50When did this one start reading that he suddenly knows that it is the ‘papas of the blog’ that ‘perpetrate this acts’acts’.
TDC obviously made a correction by writing the right word to be used in the context unlike what Max and some other people do when Posh makes mistakes, which is quite often. Let us be open to correction, it certainly will help us grow, speak better English and write also. I do same when I am with my friends. And they don’t complain because they are willing to learn new things or atleast brush up on what they already knew.
To the so called Nazis, who really are trying to correct errors in good faith, pls don’t make people feel like you are mocking them when you make corrections.
To Chizzie, if I slap your disgusting writing mouth ehn. When have you ever been told to stop something and you actually do? Iranu.
JustJames
November 24, 09:51There are many readers who don’t comment but have been following this blog since inception.
There’s a way you can correct that doesn’t sound condescending. Do you really think I or pink panther who edits my posts don’t know that it’s “invincible” and not “invisible”? Mistakes are made.. When you notice them correct in a way that doesn’t seem like you’re out to show that you know a lot or is condescending.
Francis
November 24, 10:22???? That last sentence