RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN (Entry 48)
So my friend discovered that his younger brother is gay and he has not been sure how to react to it. How did he find out? Instagram. I technically got to know about it first, but I stayed cool, seeing as it wasn’t my place to spill. I know his sweet bubbly little brother, and as much as he is somewhat effete, I didn’t initially suspect his sexuality. The two brothers aren’t very close to begin with; I think my friend somehow distances himself from the rest of his family.
On that subject, allow me to digress a little. If you ask a majority of people who know me, who work with me or who maybe live with me, the first thing they’d say about me is that Dennis is very secretive. When I was in the university and my department did this scrapbook thingie, a girl wrote that I know how to be very close friends with someone and yet not be entirely revealing about myself. Now that I am older, I realize what I was subconsciously doing, what I still do. I am basically protecting myself because if people come very close, they’d most likely find out that I am a gay man. I think this ring true for many gay people. We tend to isolate ourselves from family and co-workers, and it looks like we’re a bunch of introverts, until you see us with our girls – sorry, friends. Then you’d see these ‘introverts’ in their element.
Anyway this was especially true for my friend, Ejike.
Now, those of you who use Instagram may be familiar with how that photo-sharing platform can kobalise somebody. When I want to know who is gay and who is not, I simply check your Following; the more green bars i see, the gayer I believe you are. lol.
So I’d found Ejike’s brother’s account on Instagram and saw so many green bars, and knew he was very likely to be gay. However I kept quiet.
Eventually my friend found out the crude way. He was at his friend’s house and this friend was going on and on about this boy he was banging. A picture was produced and voila! Ejike came to me; and for whatever reason I did not know, he was very distraught. It soon became apparent that his brother’s homosexuality really bothered him; it was as if he wished his brother was not gay. I told him that except he thinks deep down that there is something wrong with being gay and that his brother is on the wrong side of the human sexuality spectrum (just like us), then I don’t see what the fuss was about. I wondered if this was internalized homophobia at work.
Anyway, he later asked his brother about his discovery, and his brother admitted the truth. He also said he’d known about Ejike for a long time. After that conversation, they further drifted apart to the point where they barely spoke to each other. I was very worried and whenever I brought up the issue, Ejike would wave it aside.
One day, we were having beers and the issue came up again. This time, he didn’t dismiss it. Instead he opened up about his fears. His parents have only two sons, and he had flirted with the idea of not buckling to pressure and getting married and all; after all, there was still another son who would carry on the family name, and all that jazz. He said that with his knowledge of his brother being gay too, he was beginning to rethink his choices in life and he was wondering how his parents would take it if both of them decided not to marry women. At that point, I saw reason with him. Then he asked me what I would do if my baby brother was gay.
I took some time to consider my answer. I mean, I am the bambino of my family and for the most part, last born kids can be selfish (yes, after years of everybody spoiling you rotten). So I had never considered making a decision with the thought of how it would affect a younger person in mind. However I told him that if I were faced with that situation, I would reach out to my younger brother and tell him all the things I wished my 19 year old self knew. I would teach him how to navigate the gaybourhood, how to assert himself and how not to be defined by the opinions and boxes of others. I would teach him about safe sex and making wise choices, teach him how to find himself and help him through the land mines of relationships and heartbreaks. I would draw him close to myself and try as much as possible to ensure that he avoids some of the mistakes that I made myself.
Ejike, I know you are reading this. I have said this to you before and I say this again; guide him, mold him, mentor him and ensure he grows up to be the kind of (gay) man that we will be proud of.
*
I heard something about a month ago and I thought I should bring it up here so that you people can help me dissect the matter. I was having drinks with a gang of men; you know how three people go out on a Friday night and everybody starts calling everybody and before 8pm, the table swells to 10 guys with lewd conversations and alcohol fuelled laughter ringing out. Anyways, so we were talking about sex and somehow it got to body counts, and in typical DM fashion I pled the fifth; even though everybody shouted that Nigeria does not have a fifth amendment. But there was no way I was going to talk about how many people I have slept with in this town in public, biko I am private like that.
There was this guy who just moved to Port Harcourt about three months ago, and when he was asked the body count question, he said he had not had sex with anyone in PH. It was weird to me because we live in the same area and I could remember about two occasions when I dropped him off with “a friend” late into the night. So I asked him if he was really serious, and he said well yes, that he had never done anything anal with anyone in this town, so technically he hadn’t had any sex. I asked him if he had shared a bed with someone and all, and he said yes, that they did everything but penetration. So in his opinion, he hadn’t had sex here, giving him a body count of zero in PH.
I was trying to make sense of what he said. I asked him what he meant; so unless someone penetrates him or vice versa, then sex has not happened. He said an emphatic yes. The issue suddenly became a big contention at the table, with everybody arguing on different sides on the issue, each person marshalling their own points. I was very startled. I had always thought that anal sex IS OVERRATED, but now, I was certain it is indeed overrated. I asked the ‘sex without penetration is no sex’ people a question: so supposing they were in an exclusive relationship with someone and this person went on to have everything-minus-anal-sex with someone else, would they consider it cheating? None of them had an answer for me, and I was sure I had nailed them. But some of them were still adamant and I looked on at them in disbelief.
Just so we are clear, if I and you are involved and you so much as kiss another person, YOU ARE DEAD! We are not swingers, biko!
*
On a final note, any of my friends who comes to drop a bee or lemon emoji on my Instagram or Facebook will receive a slap from me. Dazzal! K
XOXO
DM
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26 Comments
posh6666
April 27, 11:06At the end of the day I think its only fair to have just one gay guy in the family especially if the male kids are just two atleast so one of them can get married and carry on with the family name…
Pink Panther
April 27, 11:08Lol. It’s only fair? Is that a negotiation with God? Sort of like asking him to have mercy on poor heterosexual families and make sure they have just one gay child at a time? 🙂
posh6666
April 27, 11:16Honestly pinkie I really dont know how else I can put it for you to understand me fully.At the end of the day I love and care for my family especially my mum a lot and in my family we the male kids are very small in number as a whole,as such the male kids are dotted upon and the family at large just wants you to do them proud,get that degree,get a job and get married and give them adorable babies…
If I could which i’m not sure about yet I will love to give my mum grand kids.I will like to see my own kids too.What they will look like,just have sum1 to shower love upon.
If I am not able to do this then I will feel so much better knowing I have a brother to carry on the family name.
Pink Panther
April 27, 11:18But the family name can be carried on just fine if your homosexuality was recognized and you had a partner and had a surrogacy. I know what you’re trying to say, but I don’t understand the ideology that homosexuality is a curse to a family’s lineage.
posh6666
April 27, 11:28I personally dont see it as a curse but at the end of the day this is Nigeria and its one step at a time.There are certain things that our parents view as norms here so for now we have to make do with the situation of things.
In my family and lots of others out there the gay kids are the most succesful,best behaved,intelligent and peacemakers of the family maybe cos we try harder to prove certain things to the world but in the end the family want grand kids from you and your wife…
Maybe sum day we will get to that stage of two husbands being the new normal.
Tiercel de Claron
April 27, 11:28Maybe the fact that many homosexuals are,at most,ambivalent about having kids is what lends such ideology credence
Sinnex
April 27, 12:23…what happens when you are the only male child in the family?
Dennis Macaulay
April 27, 15:02I can only imagine
michael
April 27, 22:35Or when you’re the only child..
Pink Panther
April 27, 11:15LMAO @bee or lemon emoji. You are lucky I don’t use an android phone. I’d bombard you with those emojis. How dare you not recognize Queen Bey’s authority and simply have a #Lemonade? 😀 😛
Chuck
April 27, 11:39What’s the fuss about carrying on the family name? Can you remember your ancestors from 200 years ago? Did they even have a last name?
This is why Nigerians, even the ones in poverty, don’t plan their families appropriately. Not everyone needs to have several kids.
Let’s not even begin to unpack the sexism involved in the family name discussion. Why do female children not count?
Mandy
April 27, 12:32Yet another unintended double standard that lets lesbians off the hook.
Kenny
April 27, 12:02?????????????????????????????????????. There…. Oya slap me now. Better get in formation. *hands you a chilled glass of lemonade*
Dennis Macaulay
April 27, 15:02??
Peak
April 27, 12:08I think Ejike’s reaction is perfectly natural. It has absolutely nothing to do with IH. A quick scan of the average gay man’s emotional or mental state/history would show that we are/have been battling with one issue or the other, for the most part of our lives. A lot of us are broken, living in denial and just struggling through life while trying to keep the screws in place. No one in their right minds would want that for another person, and this idea/feeling is brought on by the demonisation of Homosexuality.
Hopefully he comes around early enough to provide a much needed guidance to the young man. We live in a dangerous jungle and the wolves out here kniw nothing about mercy.
Oral sex, Anal/penetrative sex. Please they are all FORMS of SEX!
Mandy
April 27, 12:30Gbam! @the sex part. I don’t even understand how that’s an argument. Sex is an act of intimacy, and even if there’s no anal penetration, what’s more intimate than raw-raw, smooching of naked bodies and wanking someone to orgasm?
Mitch
April 27, 13:46DM, thank your lucky stars I use a laptop to do all my online activity. Your facebook would have been on fire with Bee and Lemon emojis. Nansense!
Ejike’s fears are quite unfounded. I’m an only son with only one sister so I know about pressure. My mom’s made no bones of telling me she expects me to be married by the time I’m 25 and she’ll do all in her power to ensure I’m financially stable and capable of handling a family by then. (Don’t ask me how she intends doing that ’cause I neither know nor wanna be a part of it). I, however intend to have kids, with or without a husband, at 25 through surrogacy. It’s a cleaner, easier and less stressful plan.
As for the “no sex without penetration” topic, lemme hol mai peace!
Tiercel de Claron
April 28, 05:29Not easier,not in this clime.
How do you intend gaining the eggs,the womb without promising a ring?.
E’en the lesbians expect an arrangement with the ring an integral part of it
Khaleesi
April 27, 14:08DM!! You practically wrote the story of my life! All my life, i have had lots of acquaintances, but very very few i could really call my friends. Reason? from a very early age i knew that i was different, I also knew that my kind of different was abhorred by society and that anyone who comes close enough would figure out that I am gay, I therefore threw up thick concrete and titanium reinforced walls around myself. till today, I still find it extremely difficult to get close to anyone. I have as a consequence, become very adept at enjoying my solitude and alone – time.
I have personally experienced the “kobalising” power of IG, the thing outed me so completely that it was impossible to do any form of damage control.
I understand Ejike’s fears, its a difficult situation and you cannot totally discountenance the feelings and sensibilities of dear loved ones. I honestly dont know what i’d do in such a situation, but one thing is for sure, I’d never abandon my brother no matter what …
As for whether a lack of anal sex is cheating, my take is that in a relationship, if you have to hide whatever it is you’re doing from your partner, you have quietly entered the realm of cheating …
Dennis Macaulay
April 27, 15:04Hugs my queen
•*•sugarrrr*•*
April 27, 14:08Family name galore… Smh.
Let my family bears no name now… What about deciding not to marry even if one is not gay!!! Black ppl are so so gosh… Don’t even know what to say.
abeg ehn, just live your life the best way you can, bcos if you’re still listening to what your parents or anyone else’s saying, they can tell you that’s not the way to hold your penis and urinate.
Novacane
April 27, 19:02Are you guys living in Nigeria? because i feel like i don’t live in the same country as most of you.
Pink Panther
April 27, 23:50LOL. Why do u say so?
INDIGENE.
April 27, 20:41” Now that I am older , I realize what I
was subconsciously doing, what I still do . I
am basically protecting myself because if
people come very close , they’ d most likely
find out that I am a gay man . I think this ring
true for many gay people . We tend to isolate
ourselves from family and co – workers, and it
looks like we’ re a bunch of introverts , until
you see us with our girls – sorry , friends .
Then you’ d see these ‘ introverts ’ in their
element.”
This is All me! … Why I threw away the idea of having a roommate from year one to now.. why I always seem to be lonely or quiet always… Once people start getting closed to you, They start finding shit out… not like they can handle it… Just lock me up with ’em girls and you gonna see hell breaking loose… My Invisible weavons would be visible…
geeluv
April 28, 05:34I think Ejike should advice his parents to adopt another male child. or better still… he should start preparing to marry one woman and leave his brother to enjoy his life mbok! afterall he’s the #breadwinner.
biko… ask those your friends who are obviously under the influence of alcohol if they by any means get a CUM when doing those stuffs that aint really “Sex”….
Morgana
April 28, 10:01Hmph! Now, I have one thing to say: stir your water, look deep into it and make a pick. If you don’t like what you picked, drop it an start the process all over. Their is no easy road and no one way.
The world is a pretty diverse and messed up place. What works for me might not work for you. I can only tell you what worked for me or I think might work for me, and allow you make your choices. Ejike, I see reasons with you, but I will suggest you sit down and weigh your choices. The gaybourhood might tell you that if you marry, you’re no longer true to yourself, but I tell you, if your family name is dear to you, please do re/consider and marry, but do that with a friend.
#MyPointlessopinion