CURSED IN LOVE

CURSED IN LOVE

“He’s worth a try. He seems different.”

That’s what you tell yourself. You begin to convince yourself that you can make this work. Your mind, racing back and forth, like a galloping zebra out on the plains. There’s a great deal of resistance within you, but you are willing to discard them and give it a try. What’s the harm in trying after all?

You think of the past and all the people there. You remember their names, their faces too. Faces fading away in the mist of yesterday, but somehow clinging on, to haunt you. Some you still talk with, others you don’t. It’s not been a rosy past. But you tell yourself that tomorrow can be different, that he is different.

You begin to find reasons why he’s different from the others in past. Reasons why you are willing to give it a try. You think it over and actually cannot come up with one. Maybe it’s his voice, or his eyes, or his build, or maybe it’s nothing. You tell yourself that it doesn’t matter. You tell yourself that you are weird like that. You tell yourself that love needs no reason.

You begin to try to open your heart, to open up to love. That heart, browned with rust. But the idea feels strange. You try harder, and it gets even stranger. “Oh, just a little more time.” That’s what you say to yourself. Love is gradual after all, and so is change.

But your brain tells you otherwise. It tells you to reason. Your alter ego questions, “Haven’t you learnt not to think with your heart? Not to let your heart decide for your brain?” But you turn a deaf ear. It tells you to remember the last time. It tells you things might go wrong again, and that then, you’d feel those same pains again. Pains that seized your breath and made every heartbeat an agony. Pains that made you swear never to go down this lane again.

You remember it – the last time. You thought it was the best thing. You thought it would last. It was real, and you had imagined happy endings like in Bollywood. But suddenly, things came crashing. And there were goodbyes; there were tears, lonely sorrowful nights, moments spent in a pitiable state. And then it dawned on you; you were heartbroken.

“That was then, this is now,” you tell yourself.

You comfort yourself with the thought that you can make it work this time. You’d be more careful this time. But truly, what you are trying to do is to prove to yourself that you survived the other time, and can move on. So you begin to pull up your heart, out of the ditch you left it to rot in.

***

He looks at your photo on his phone, and he concludes that you are a nice person. “He’s a sweet innocent guy. I like him.” That is what he tells himself when he’s alone in the privacy of his room. He doesn’t know how you are different from others in his past, but he thinks you are different.

But there’s that one time, with that one person, that didn’t go down well. He remembers it every time. He’s had a hard time moving on. That one time that destroyed the past, stole the present, and is holding the future at bay. He’s damaged from within, even though he never shows it, because like you, he’s always cheerful. Such cheerfulness that’s a tool of determination to mask all the pain. Unmasked faces masking the face of unmasked emotional turmoil.

He soon realizes he’s not ready for love now, and doesn’t want to put you through that process. So he makes a choice. It will hurt you both, but it’s a decision that has to be taken.

He decides to push you away from his heart, up into his head, where you’ll be safer as a friend. Because matters of the heart can hurt, and he’s felt it before. Not this time, not so soon. And so he drops you from lover to friend. It isn’t easy for him. You are his victim, but he’s also a victim of himself.

But he doesn’t know how to tell you what he has decided. He can’t bring himself to say the words. He can’t bear to hurt you more than his decision will already do. So he employs his attitudes to relay the news. He writes it with his body language.

***

You start to open your heart, to love him. “The past is gone. The past is the past. This will work. This will last. He’s a nice person. I’ve been lonely too long.”

But you are so blind. So blind that you don’t realise it; that you are pushing it, and that he’s indecisive.

Then it begins: the late replies, unanswered calls, weird attitudes. That is him giving you the signs, but you are blinded. You say it’s just some mood, that he’ll come around.

What you don’t know is that he’s as damaged as you are, from that one time in the past that shattered everything. He’s not ready yet.

Eventually, the scales begin to wear from your eyes. You begin to see. It slowly dawns on you. This won’t work after all. It hits you hard, but it doesn’t hurt much, because subconsciously, you’ve been prepared for the worst, because you are also damaged from within, and have lost a part of you.

You don’t even cry. But there’s a pain lodged in your chest. Communication dwindles, and gradually, you two become strangers. He gradually becomes part of the past, part of those faces that never fade, always haunting with the possibilities of what could have been.

Then the guilt kicks in. You blame yourself, because since that one time, you’ve not been yourself. And you feel the fault is yours. You feel like there’s something wrong with you, something tweaked and screwed wrongly. You feel jinxed with love. In your eyes, love transforms into a curse spelled on you by…who knows, maybe that one person you turned down despite his sincerity. Who knows!

And then, there’s another BBM request, another good-looking acquaintance on Facebook, another cutie hitting on you on Instagram. You know they all mean well. But you smile wryly. You are damaged. They will never get it anyway. Just the next faces in the unfading past that still lingers.

And finally, you come to that realization – that indeed, Love isn’t made for you.

Written by Masked Man

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73 Comments

  1. Adey
    August 14, 06:57 Reply

    PREACH Brother!!! PREACH!!!

  2. Mandy
    August 14, 06:58 Reply

    PErsevere, MM. Love, the right one, will come for you. Everyone needs someone. Everyone deserves love. Love isn’t this exclusivity reserved for a members’ only club. Just keep being you. Real and non-toxic. And love will come to you.

  3. bae
    August 14, 07:02 Reply

    “Then it begins: the late replies, unanswered calls, weird attitudes. That is him giving you the signs, but you are blinded. You say it’s just some mood, that he’ll come around” Buh they don’t oooo….. Touchy Buh great write up,THANK YOU!!!!

  4. #TeamKizito
    August 14, 07:08 Reply

    I… I don’t know what to say.. (seems this it the best piece I’ve ever read on KD… But another write up would pop up and I’d realize that indeed that I’m never going to have a favorite piece..)

    kisses MM.

    • Pink Panther
      August 14, 07:16 Reply

      Lmao. KDians are endlessly good. Creativity abounds here, doesn’t it?

    • Max
      August 14, 07:32 Reply

      Yeah Kizito… I wanted to give it piece of the month. But another might come and derail it.

  5. #Chestnut
    August 14, 07:09 Reply

    Ha, the unspoken break-ups: if only it were that poetic. most times, ppl push u from “lover” to “friend”(and then to “nothing”), not because they’re struggling with hurt from their past,but because they’ve grown bored with having sex with the same person, and want a new fuck-experience. #SadTruth #TheseHoesAintLoyal

    • Max
      August 14, 07:37 Reply

      Seconding the #HoesAintLoyal part

    • Tiercel de Claron
      August 14, 08:44 Reply

      Some variations,spicing up the sex act and not having it everytime there’s an itch,may keep them glued.
      Depends on the person,anyway

      • Max
        August 14, 12:44 Reply

        @TDc I dunno about you but preventing yourself from having sex even when you want it is almost impossible when a cute bubble butt bae is lying beside you.

        • Tiercel de Claron
          August 14, 17:54 Reply

          Impossible,you say?.
          Oh,it’s very possible.At the risk of chestbeating,I’ll say bae has the cutest,tightest………….you get the picture.And while we have a healthy sex life,our favorite activity is cuddling.
          A bloody romantic,ain’t I?.Lol

  6. Griffin
    August 14, 07:18 Reply

    This is soooo sad, but totally true.

  7. Jeova Sanctus Unus
    August 14, 07:23 Reply

    Uuuhmmmm…can we perhaps become fuckers?? I’d never push you away from my cock.

    • Pink Panther
      August 14, 07:29 Reply

      LOL. JSU, keeping it whore-ly — er, wholly real. 🙂

    • Max
      August 14, 07:38 Reply

      Bia JSU, you’re supposed to be one of the new generation of revolutionary gay ppl.

      • Pink Panther
        August 14, 07:45 Reply

        And being revolutionary doesn’t involve being a hoe? 🙂

        • Max
          August 14, 12:45 Reply

          Yes Pinky Yes!!.

        • Jeova Sanctus Unus
          August 15, 04:34 Reply

          PP nne m, helep me jukwa ya.
          Maxeline, biko I’m too hoely to be bothered. My jehoeva liveth!!

          NB: An ass a day keeps the problems at bay.

  8. Max
    August 14, 07:30 Reply

    Standing ovation…. Hands in the air. Clear cut and precise. This defines everything we go through as gay men every time.
    We’re damaged.
    We wanna be fixed
    If only we could find someone sincere enough to love us… If only…
    *hot tears** Never knew you could be this deep @MM

    • #Chestnut
      August 14, 07:45 Reply

      Lol…back-handed compliment toh badt…but amma keep sipping dis tea though.

    • chuck
      August 14, 12:19 Reply

      *Some gay men*. Not everyone is damaged abeg. The danger of a single story

      • Max
        August 14, 12:47 Reply

        Lol @Chuck . are you currently in love?

  9. Peak
    August 14, 07:47 Reply

    MM my god will punish u this morning for this.
    Na jeje i sidon with band aid de mind my bidnez, and u just decided it would be a cool idea to rip it out and stick ur finger in my sore. My god will not for give you this morning.

    Obatala, orunmila, sango and iyemoja have all been sent for on top your matter. What is allnthis now?

    • Pink Panther
      August 14, 07:51 Reply

      When you’ve called Obatala, orunmila, sango and iyemoja, then it must b a serious matter.

  10. KryxxX
    August 14, 08:06 Reply

    Flames to dust
    Lovers to Friends
    Why do all good things come to an end?

    #Np All good things(come to an end) – Nelly Furtado.

    The perfect song for this sober reflection MM just imposed on us!

    And also, a big shoutout to all those bros who give us hope, move us to friendzone faster than Taylor swift ends her relationships nd finally leaves in d limbo forever to b plagued with uncertainty cos of past hurts thus continuing the ripple effect! Is it my fault? O bu m mere uwa? My God would fight for me! Y’all know urself!

    Wickedness of men! Nansense!

    • Pink Panther
      August 14, 08:13 Reply

      Hahahahahahahahaa!!! Gay man’s inhumanity to his fellow man.

      • KryxxX
        August 14, 08:45 Reply

        Isi gi di there!!

        Ah! As in eh…………..! Is it my fault? Y should I b paying for another man’s sin? Is it fair? You give me hopes higher than Jesus’ second coming only for you leave my messages unreplied?! Ordinary message! Chai! #smh Fear God naa! Ppl should fear God bikonu!

        Amnesty international needs to look into this! Emotional torture is part of Abuse of human rights abi?
        #Np On my own – Les Miserables

        • Colossus
          August 14, 08:52 Reply

          What I would give to raid your music Playlist. On my own by Les Miserables is such a great touching song. My best song from that album. Well, a tie with I dreamed a dream.

        • Pink Panther
          August 14, 09:23 Reply

          Hahahahahahahahahahaa!!! What I would give to spend an hour in your company. Kai! Kryxxx.

    • Tiercel de Claron
      August 14, 08:49 Reply

      What about them bros who make it easy for some to think “love” is a dime a dozen,what then do we say to them?.

      • KryxxX
        August 14, 11:17 Reply

        Hian!

        Ha abiala ha! Aunty Clarrissa has come again with her big spoon! You didn’t see me oh!

  11. JOJOARMANI
    August 14, 08:55 Reply

    For those who believe in love *…. Hey! The coffee please*

  12. sinnex
    August 14, 09:12 Reply

    This is what happens when you expect so much from someone. You only know what is on your mind and not what’s on your lover’s mind.

    At least you have loved and have been loved. Even if it doesn’t last long, it counts for something.

    Anyway, if you need a shoulder to cry on, you know where to find me.

    • Max
      August 14, 12:52 Reply

      I don’t think a shoulder is what you plan on giving them.

  13. Vhar.
    August 14, 09:20 Reply

    THE BASTARD(s)

    They’ll trample on your purple heart when they know they don’t have their shitty insides together.

    You try to make excuses for their behaviour.
    To be understanding.
    To be the perfect lover.
    To be the perfect friend.

    Even though you’re damaged too.
    You want to heal them.
    To make them feel again however slow.
    But no, they up and send a “I just hate you” text message first thing in the morning.

    And weeks later, they complain that you’ve been distant.
    That you don’t text again.
    And you don’t call again
    And you don’t smile again.

    They are all bastard(s).
    You’re a bastard!

    • Kel
      August 14, 09:30 Reply

      Whoa!
      Easy Vhar,you’re guilty too.

          • Vhar.
            August 14, 09:46 Reply

            I’m not one to spill my bitter taste over anyone’s water-melon.
            Just don’t let your fingers spew ignorant words your tongue doesn’t know how to pronounce.

            Are we clear?
            Good!

  14. Colossus
    August 14, 09:50 Reply

    I’m trying to relate to the write up. So this is what those who got love in their hearts go through? Iris Nora small sumtin. Mbok, 4gerraboutit

    Good one MM, really good.

    • KryxxX
      August 14, 11:14 Reply

      Meaning?!

      You dont have love in your heart?
      Even small chikini one?

      Hmmn………..Isssoright!

      **Picks up fone nd starts to dial a certain someone’s number** Dont ask me how I got it oh! Just dont! O gi kpuru okwu na ada!

  15. ambivalentone
    August 14, 10:50 Reply

    vicious cycle of unrequited love, unending heartbreaks and selfless selfishness.

    I see y’all acting like victims o. Issorai

  16. chuck
    August 14, 12:22 Reply

    When you keep picking partners for the wrong reasons and refusing to ask the tough questions this is how it ends

    • Max
      August 14, 13:01 Reply

      Ok I’m gonna stop you right there.
      You have a perfectionist attitude which I admire most times, but love and anything that has to do with it doesn’t follow logic.
      There’s nothing logical about loving someone. You’d think that someone like me will be living happily with their bae right?>>> Wrong.
      No matter how perfect your thought process is, what will happen will happen. It doesn’t matter how many questions you pop or how many checks youve done.
      And it comes from the fact that youll never really know what your partner is thinking. That alone is enough to give you early morning fever.
      Women get the validation when they promise marriage to them. For them, thats all the assurance they need to spread their legs.
      For gay people however, we don’t have such. Its all about taking that leap of faith and hoping the ground below is soft below.. If not, you’ll be shattered to pieces at the bottom.
      When it comes to love Chuck, there’s no perfect way of knowing. There’s no perfection to it.

      • chuck
        August 14, 13:24 Reply

        How about taking the time to know them and love them for who they really are? Your partner is not a source of validation.

        Also, see who is really there and don’t force your fairy tales or insecurities on someone else. You met someone at an orgy, and 3 months later your heart is broken because he sleeps around. And you say you were in love. Was that love or dream? People are who they are. Get to know them. Take the time. If you love them you will have gotten to know them wwell, and won’t expect them to change their nature for you, or for a relationship. This is why I avoid students and the others who are looking for a relationship. They keep seeing the dreams in their heads rather than the person that’s actually there

        • Pink Panther
          August 14, 14:30 Reply

          Ask the tough questions… Take the time to really know a potential bae… *taking notes* Ladies and gentlemen, chuck has finally cracked the code to everlasting love in a relationship. You just follow these guidelines and heartbreak will no longer be a guarantee.

          • Max
            August 14, 16:28 Reply

            Lmao @Pinky hahahahaha

        • Tiercel de Claron
          August 14, 18:08 Reply

          While what you wrote make sense Chuck,it does show you’ve never been in love.Like Max said,there’s no logic to it.Heck,when you think yourself immune to all its vagaries,it catches you at unawares.All one can do is try to mitigate its effects and that’s where your advice come in handy.Person wey dey cry dey see road,or suppose dey see road.
          Then again,it’s no guarantee heartbreak won’t happen even if one has done all this.It’s simply a matter of leap of faith,as Max said.

          • Tiercel de Claron
            August 14, 18:11 Reply

            Oh man,I referenced Max twice in a post.I hope that doesn’t lead to any form of bloated……er,swollen head at some future date.

  17. Diablo
    August 14, 13:20 Reply

    This is so true. Ive learned not to show a guy how I’m really feeling, i try to be as stoic as possible when I’m with my bf. With guys it’s best not to take your emotions too seriously. Right now I’m in place where alot of things matter more than what i feel abt a guy or what he feels about me. I don’t know whether this is a good thing or a bad thing, but so far it’s working

  18. JustJames
    August 14, 13:58 Reply

    He’s damaged, I’m damaged. I think that should help us understand each other better and realise that for things to work it’d involve a lot of understanding and patience. And like a wise old geezer keeps reminding me.. Whether or not you have feelings for the guy you should make sure you’re friends first so you attain a level of understanding before the relationship.

    I kinda think by the time you become lovers it’s a whole different ballgame entirely but I’m yet to decide if that theory is true.

    • Pink Panther
      August 14, 14:35 Reply

      Instant lovers can make good relationships or break them in an instant. Friends first can make progress to good relationships or break them too. There is no formula to a great relationship. None. We like to tell ourselves this way works because Man likes to have a handle on things, but we forget that individuality plays a strong role in circumstances involving individuals.

      • chuck
        August 14, 14:42 Reply

        I disagree with your conclusion. There is a formula to a great relationship: two people who want the same kind of relationship, and want it with each other.

        • Pink Panther
          August 14, 14:52 Reply

          Believe me, I’m not cynical about relationships. I also believe in what you believe. Or rather, I want to. But my pragmatism about these things won’t just stop rearing its head.

          • Max
            August 14, 16:40 Reply

            @Pinky youre very correct. Instant lovers work or break just as easily as friends-turned lovers work or break.
            When you prolong the friendship for too long, something dies between you too. That feeling of “the person being special”.. It goes.
            They’ll just become one of your friends. At some point you’ll lose attraction to them. Its crazy how human minds work. When you take someone as your friend, you automatically stop getting turned on by them… No matter how hot they are.

            I dunno, this life is crazy sha.
            But try and be your lover’s friend though. But make him a special kind of friend. The type you’d wake up in the middle of the night to reply their chat.
            Or pick their call even if they called at the wrong time.
            And most importantly, don’t be a bitch.. Put yourself in ppls shoes sometimes and you’ll feel as bad as they do when you exhibit idiotic attitude.

          • Chuck
            August 14, 16:45 Reply

            How is my definition different from a pragmatist approach? Are you sure the people you’ve been dating want what you want? That’s the tough question you probably didn’t ask

          • JustJames
            August 14, 19:28 Reply

            There isn’t but there are steps that can be taken to ensure a better outcome for success.. No? But like pinky said, you could follow all these to the letter and it’d still fail.

            I’m slowly becoming jaded. Yaay.

  19. Brown Stallion
    August 14, 20:15 Reply

    Love is wicked!; Only fools rush in! Even the wise that walk cautiously, putting one step before the other and getting to know the potential partner, are at risk of getting hurt in the long-run.

    I spent a long six months getting to know my partner. Dated for 2 years and 8 months . Broke up 2 months ago. There really is no “together forever” for us in this part of the world esp as the sex – only mentality is the other of the day.

    We are all damaged; we have trust issues, we crave new sexual experiences with new people, we get bored easily – just a few examples of how damaged we are.

    My take? Don’t look for love, live your life, improve yourself; invest in your person, have fun RESPONSIBLY AND SAFELY(for all the itchy asses and nodding dicks) love shouldn’t be forced… it is natural. It will come when it will.

    • Keredim
      August 15, 00:59 Reply

      Brown Stallion, yours is the only comment here that has made sense. The rest are Mills & Boon and Oyibo Hollywood Rom-Com inspired comments.
      Like Rupaul says “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell can anyone else love you”?
      Love will come how and when it comes, and your can’t make anyone love you if they won’t..
      Just do you and the rest will fall into place.
      In the meantime if your heart has been broken, shag it off!! (SAFELY OF COURSE)

      • Jeova Sanctus Unus
        August 15, 04:49 Reply

        I don’t think the problem they express is about love cuming, rather it’s about love staying. Love cums all the time. They just hope love will stay long enough before he cums… Or is it after he cums?? Sorry, my brain is fuzzy.

        • Keredim
          August 15, 20:22 Reply

          Love coming or staying, principle is still the same. Know and Love yourself first

  20. Kaytee
    August 15, 05:32 Reply

    Lovely writeup. … i was enthralled

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