Musing In The Temple Of Venus

Musing In The Temple Of Venus

Anyone who hasn’t read Elnathan’s How To Worship The Nigerian God hasn’t read Nigerian satire. I recommend it for everyone, young and old, religious and otherwise, the unborn and the dead inclusive. Oh my God, we take our different gods seriously in this country – way too seriously. That said, most Nigerians seem to assume that if one isn’t a Muslim, he’s Christian. No one can convince them otherwise and anyone not identifying with either religion should be avoided like a plague.

It just so happens that at my workplace, I’m always subtly hinted about the wonders of the Koran – its beauty, benefits, the glory and fulfillment gained from reading, following and practising Islam. I hear blathering like, “Islam is the religion that tells the truth exactly how it is… As a woman, Islam teaches you modesty, submission to authority and humility…” And while this attempt at enlightenment is going on, I maintain this deadpan expression at the gifted preacher that he wonders may or may not be saying, ‘Keep talking.’

Before NYSC, I never knew Muslims carry on with evangelism as well, about just as much as Christians. And I admit, there are times when I ask for it. Like when CNN is broadcasting to the West something with the Nigerian flag on it and they’re calling it the Nigerienne flag, or when they’re saying, “Nigeria is the neighbouring country to war-torn South-Sudan.”

Times like this, I need something overly ridiculous to replace CNN’s sheer ridiculousness, so my suicidal tendencies kick in. I start asking my co-workers if they know of any Christian who’s married to a Muslim. And this expectedly spurs a contention between the Team One Nigeria and the Team Christians Are Infidels. Something about this makes the life that CNN just tried to ruin a better place.

*

I dress like Ellen DeGeneres.

I love that woman (and her sweet and gorgeous wife, of course) and her fashion sense. I go to work every day, endeavoring to look like her, save the melanin and my youth, thanks for asking. And as always, I’m asked, “Yuuz kofa, are you a sfos fesin?”

Of course, everyone assumes I’m into one sport or the other to always dress and look ‘as smart as a man’. For the workplace, I respond to this question by saying I am into basketball. For the bank premises, I tell them I used to be a footballer. For the locals, I play lawn tennis. And for the general public, I simply tell them I graduated from a military school.

Phew! Define exasperation.

These lies are so exhausting to keep up with sometimes, and trying to remember which person I told which lie can get so tasking. Recently, a man accosted me and asked, while brandishing his gold prosthetic teeth, “Are you a sfos fesin?”

I was hungry and tired and needed to get home. But I took the time to toss a “Yes” at him. Clearly, he was warming up with his KGB interrogator skills, because he followed up with, “Which one is it?”

I stopped and looked at him for a full three seconds, before quipping, “Sky diving.” He was amazed, widened his eyes and everything. And then asked, “How is that played?”

In my head, I was screaming: “ARE YOU BLOODY SERIOUS?!” But outwardly, I very calmly answered, “They play it by using a hockey stick to chase a golf ball, while riding on horses in a football pitch.”

“Oh, that. We call it Polo,” he said.

“Yes, someone told me that’s what it’s called around here,” I replied, before excusing myself. Look at o, what do I even know about any kind sport? Well, except you’re adding Tongue-Wrestling, Scissoring, Tribadism and Cunnilingus to the list of sporting activities.

*

Here’s a quickie: are there people out there like me who don’t like the act of one touching the screen of a device? Even my phone screens are always spotless; you can never catch it plastered with fingerprints when it’s not on use.

Seriously, why the blazes would someone point and then go as far as touching my laptop screen? That drives me insane, as in, it makes my head spin! I practically freeze whenever someone touches my laptop screen. Someone once looked at my laptop and said, “This your laptop is like the Koran, you have to wash your hand to touch it.” I guess I’m OCD that way.

I just don’t understand why people don’t bother cleaning their laptop screens every now and then. Personally, if I flip open your laptop and see its screen looks like something someone brushed their teeth on or spat on or sweated on, I’d slam it back shut! The other day, someone saw me looking at a picture of Audu’s son on twitter and said, while pointing, “Isn’t that Audu’s son?” Perhaps I was blind, or perhaps he didn’t think I could see what he was showing me, because then he had to jab his grubby little finger at the screen whilst repeating his question, a gesture that had me turning into a mysterious case of the ice sculpture with a burning inside right there on my seat.

Like Seriously?!

*

On a final note, someone should beg Konga for me. I don’t know my offence, but perhaps they’ll pardon me if they hear my cry from a third party.

I ordered for a phone on Konga’s Black Friday, which was on Thursday, the 26th of November. And up till date, the phone never reach Dutse o! What’s worse? I kept tracking my order and it seems it was taken back to Lagos – after getting shipped from Lagos and got all the way to Kano. Then it made a return trip to Ogba in Lagos.

Ehn, Konga, what I do?

I called the Customer Care, and the nice lady kept going on about technical errors, saying I should keep my line open so when my order arrives, I’d get a call. Seven days elapsed since the Customer Care call, and still! Only, just, simple one phone! Did I order from Amazon or Konga? It’s taking too long and I’m running out of patience. Granted, I chose the Cash on Delivery option, but I deserve to be taken seriously. Hmmmm. Someone should tell them o, because lately, I’ve being flirting with the idea of dealing with them. I think I’ll order two flat screen TVs, a DSTV decoder, two small refrigerators, a washing machine, a standing fan, cooking pots, kitchen sets, a tablet and an expensive phone, and then cancel the order when the goods arrive. (Lol, Yes, I know. I’m such a genius)

But calm down, the plan is still being strategized. The Pope John Paul in me isn’t dead yet. Ah! Nawa o!

Written by Django

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  1. ken
    December 08, 04:46 Reply

    Loooool I couldnt stop laffing!
    This django na clown ni? A clown with multiple personality disorder. Lol

    Btw christmas done reach ooo. Abeg who de throw party 4 abj

  2. Mandy
    December 08, 05:43 Reply

    ROTFLMAO! Laffwan kee me here. Django, your sense of humour though… And so, that is how Konga is going around disappointing customers, eh? Abeg that your payback plan is brilliant.

  3. Dubem
    December 08, 05:45 Reply

    Madam, this your OCD is serious o. You use a touch screen phone, do you? Becos I can imagine you giving the screen a good scrub down at the end of every call and texting, before putting it away. 😀

  4. Dennis Macaulay
    December 08, 06:30 Reply

    Django!

    I looooove your writing!

    This was freaking hilarious! Omg!

    And I thought I was finicky and cleanliness?

    I hope this will be a regular

  5. Absalom
    December 08, 07:23 Reply

    Hilarious. Please place that evil order to Konga.

    And, OMG! I initially thought “tribadism” was a typo until I Googled! Chai!!!! This is so #NotSafeForMax!

  6. Max
    December 08, 07:26 Reply

    “Seriously, why the blazes would someone point and then go as far as touching my laptop screen?”

    I can’t stand the sight of finger prints on laptop screens too. Few people who have attempted to touch my screen got a huge slap on their hand and a long lecture of “why you should always treat your devices with respect”.

    This was a fun read… Nice one Django

  7. kacee
    December 08, 08:13 Reply

    hahahahahaha wait o what is “sfos fesin”?

  8. Francis
    December 08, 08:14 Reply

    Hmmm, the Muslims I’ve been rolling with are quiet. None of them don pull that evangelism thing on me so I assumed they don’t do it. #EyeOpener. Maybe they aren’t so annoying with it like Xtians.

    I got tired of cleaning laptop screens when I enter this area. Clean am now and by tomorrow dust don cover am again. Your OCD no get part 2. ??

    Hilarious entry. *Off to Google scissoring and tribadism.*

  9. #TeamKizito
    December 08, 08:14 Reply

    Lol. Django.

    *Drinking garri*

    Ope: Na garri you dey drink?

    Me: No, na sand; I put milk inside.. ‘_’

  10. Mitch
    December 08, 08:22 Reply

    Hahahahahaha! Jesu! Django, you wee nor kee person today. Nne, your take on issues are not only hilarious but speak of a character depth so huge that it’ll probably be very hard to have you completely figured out. Good writing darl!

  11. Sinnex
    December 08, 08:39 Reply

    Okay, this is hilarious.

    I would be delighted if it becomes regular… as in your rants…

    I wonder what happened to the other lesbian series sef.

    • Mandy
      December 08, 09:04 Reply

      There was another lesbian series?

  12. Delle
    December 08, 09:52 Reply

    Yippee!!!! This is so exciting! God! Finally, a girl has an entry! Oh, I’m so excited, I’m skipping classes today.
    And who would have known Django had such cutting edge sense of humour! ROTFLMAO!
    But wait a second, I thought it was Jumia’s Black Friday that was on the 26th of last month, was Konga also having theirs then? Maybe u should go ahead with your plan…it’s so evil, I breathe!

    Thanks PP…finally my plea for diversity up in here is answered.

  13. Hodge
    December 08, 10:33 Reply

    I think it is an appreciated improvement. I’d love to see more of the ladies.
    Girl, I love your satiric sense of humour. Every word you say makes me hit my head on the wall in suffocating laughter.

  14. Chizzie
    December 08, 13:56 Reply

    ????
    The laptop bit nearly killed me. Bravo Bravo.

  15. michael
    December 08, 14:49 Reply

    Half way through this, the name Django came into my mind and I had to check first before finishing up.

    hahahahaha…. nice one dear..

    This konga self. abeg remind me not to shop with them when I get to the level of online shopping.

  16. Duke
    December 08, 17:41 Reply

    Nice work! And that laptop bit… hilarious.

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