Why Are We Our Own Worst Enemies?

Why Are We Our Own Worst Enemies?

black-man-liarI normally don’t mix business with pleasure, so I keep relationships at work formal, knowing where the lines are and drawing them clearly. I am nowhere near perfect, but I do have a strong definition of what’s ethical and what’s not.

Just bear with me and follow the course of my blabbing. Last year, a new guy started working at my company, and at that time I was in the supply chain management unit. So I was always at the warehouse, shipping out orders or taking inventory. The new guy was very cute, nice round bottom (my weakness) and all; but In spite of my attraction to him and his “come hither signals”, I maintained a safe distance, keeping things between us very formal. After a few weeks, I attended a birthday party thrown for one of my pals; it was basically a “guys only” party and the new guy was in attendance, with his face lighting up when he saw me. He later began hounding me on Whatsapp; I replied his messages but stayed away from the sexual innuendos. He was my subordinate after all.

Eventually he made a big mistake that cost the company some money and I gave him an official reprimand, one which he responded by filing a counter claim, alleging sexual harassment. He told my superiors that I’d been sleeping with him, and that I was just picking on him because he stopped having sex with me. It was a nightmare I wish I never went through.

I was made to face a humiliating panel where I was questioned. They even tried to patronize me with that “it’s okay if you are gay, but you cannot sleep with coworkers” attitude, complete with that annoying tone straight people use when they pretend to accept your sexuality. The case was eventually dropped and the boy was fired, and I put it all behind me, even though I can still see the eyes of my coworkers judging me. Not that I care anyway.

So the point of this article is: why are we our own worst enemies? Why do gay men stab other gay men in the back all too easily? Just last week, a friend that I hold very dear also experienced a sexual harassment situation, very similar to the one I passed through. He could have lost his job, just because another guy set him up.

Why do we have so much jealousy and pettiness amongst us, which always drives us to do vile things to one another? Why can’t we just get along and support one another without catty envy. I would think that homophobia and bigotry are big enough enemies for us to contend with that we should not go ahead destroying ourselves. We can support one another, no need for negativity.

Last Christmas, I was in charge of our Christmas party and award night. I made sure all the vendors I gave contracts too were gay men (who were professionals anyway). For me, it was an opportunity to help gay men like myself who had their own businesses. In my opinion, we should all be doing this.

We should start supporting one another, support and patronize a friend’s business because he is good at what he does and yes, for the fact that he is gay. Nepotism is allowed on this count in my opinion, so feel free to lend a helping well manicured hand. Let us put aside petty fights and band together to help each other.

I read a quote by a wise person (whom I would love to believe is a woman): “Putting out another person’s candle won’t make yours brighter.”

There is a lot of pull-him-down amongst us and it’s really sad. I once read about a Nigerian male celebrity who was outed by the loud mouth, Linda Ikeji; she gave very specific details including roles and nicknames. Details that only gay people would know. Obviously, it’s the friends of the said guy who spilled to Linda. And for what purpose? Keep in mind that it’s gay people who point out other gay people to be outed, and gay people also take part in very horrible ‘kito’ stories.

Let us support one another and resist the temptation to pull down another (gay) person, for no reason other than petty jealousy. We already have so much hate against us, no need to add more.

Written by Dennis Macaulay; he works as a Brand Executive in Port Harcourt. Follow him on twitter @Eko_bloke

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  1. Obatala
    July 08, 06:04 Reply

    first to comment
    before I get in over my head
    nice write up
    but I tend to disagree a little when you talk of patronising gay owned businesses.
    the truth is that its very difficult finding a man who is both gay and serious with what they do.
    I always had the impression that most gay dudes just prefer to lazy about until they get the next big break from Alhaji.
    Though, my opinions are changing, I am still yet to meet a gay dude that can successfully separate business from pleasure.
    Just the other day, I went to port from air tel to glo and on getting to the glo experience centre, I was attended to by a cute lad.
    It was so annoying that he couldn’t even act professionally anymore, u should have seen the way this guy was confused, and he kept on gushing all over me. Giggling and chuckling like a girl about to see a penis for the first time.
    let’s just say I left there without porting cos the guy was too far gone in his lust to do a decent job.
    the exact same thing happened to me at an Mtn office here in Benin. The most annoying thing was that the glo dude had the temerity to call my number he no doubt obtained from the form I filled.
    you can be sure I told his ass off.

    • Jarch
      July 08, 07:07 Reply

      I beg to disagree, I am a gay software developer. And in the words of Q in James Bond’s Skyfall “I could more harm and good while in my pyjamas sipping my first cup of earl grey than you would while in the field”

      I work freelance and I sizable amount of straight and gay clientele. Sometimes I hardly leave my bed to get the job done. So it would be an insult to call me lazy. My bank account and yours will be the defining factor #JustSaying

    • Dennis Macauley
      July 08, 07:14 Reply

      Obatala you are wrong on 100 different levels. Yes there are quite a few gay men who laze around dreaming of a rich dude to rescue them, but I know countless of guys with genuine hustles making it work in business. A few of the best catering companies in portharcourt are owned by gay men. In my inner circle for instance, someone runs a very successful swanky bar, another runs a very good law practice, there is an architect who just got a good government contract, another runs a waste disposal company that goes from house to house gathering waste (u need to see his pink rain boots). My boyfriend is a mechanic for heavy duty vehicles and he runs a decent workshop (and yes he is bottom). Your stats are definitely wrong.

      • chestnut
        July 08, 07:57 Reply

        OMG Dennis! It’s terrible that u had to go thru that horrible ordeal! I like that u had d strength to keep on trooping; me? I don’t think I’d be able to live thru it. As for that slime-ball that set u up…well, he’s going to hell on a bicycle,that’s for sure!

        • pinkpanthertb
          July 08, 14:33 Reply

          Or on a wheelbarrow that’s been given an extra push for maximum speed.

      • trystham
        July 08, 18:09 Reply

        this dude and his morbid fascination for hell’s transport system though-bicycles, scooters, buses, legging….smh + smiling

    • Khaleesi
      July 08, 09:52 Reply

      @Obatala, what drivel are you blabbing? that you’re not serious with your job or that you prefer to run after some of these pretty, empty headed bimbos shouldnt make you believe that every gay man is that way. There are loads and loads of focused, serious gays even in Nigeria in various fields, and about separating business from pleasure, you need to cut them some slack! What happened to mixing business with pleasure? sometimes its actually possible to mix both if you do it smartly and keep your wits about you at all times! As for the guy who was hitting on you, what he did could have been done by any straight man or woman as we all know. Truth is, friendships, romances etc can be found at any place/time, even in the midst of serious work. So, abeggy park well and drop your holier-than-thou faggitude!

      • deola
        July 09, 05:13 Reply

        yap he did. and as usual he did not disappoint.

    • chestnut
      July 08, 11:59 Reply

      Na wah o! Obatala,seems like ur comment got err’body feeling some type of way. I mean,I know u kinda tried it with that comment, but damn!…these people are dragging u across d room like u’re Satan’s apprentice!I did not see that coming!

      • pinkpanthertb
        July 08, 14:27 Reply

        Lol. You didn’t? Really? You’ve forgotten how badly unpopular comments are received on KD

      • chestnut
        July 08, 15:26 Reply

        Lol…I know pinky,but damn! They tore that niccur to pieces,stitched him back up and tore him apart again! I really didn’t think much of his comment when I read it.it’s his own opinion and most times,people’s opinions are based off of things they’ve experienced too many times. Maybe he’s guilty of “fallacy of generalisation” as someone eloquently put it, but the back-lash was a bit surprising (to me)

  2. trystham
    July 08, 06:23 Reply

    Like I have always pointed out, most human faults only seem more pronounced because ours is a small community. But there are gay ppl that can be frightfully professional sotay dem dey take on one kain sanctimonous(?) attitude. There are also very jealous bitches who flip when they see someone smile or just different. Imagine being jealous over something as trivial as hair colour that prolly won’t suit u.

  3. Ohizy
    July 08, 06:47 Reply

    I’ve never commented here before, but now I’m forced to, because I must disagree with you Obatala. We have seriousness and Unseriousness in all categories and class of people. I’ve seen very unserious straight guys, girls, women and gay guys, just as I’ve seen very serious straight guys, ladies, and gay guys who are highly professional in what they do. So just bcos you’ve had a couple of experiences doesn’t mean u should now commit a fallacy of generalization. We are gay not whores. Haven’t u seen straight folks who are like dogs in d office? Barking at every thing on skirt or jergins? I think the penis is just Man’s biggest problem, whether straight or Gay. Let us gay men stop spoiling businesses for one another.

    • pinkpanthertb
      July 08, 06:55 Reply

      Thank you so very much, Ohizy. You said everything my restraint was stopping me from saying.

      • chestnut
        July 08, 07:23 Reply

        But u didn’t need any restraint tho; none of what he said was offensive,just making a point.

        • pinkpanthertb
          July 08, 07:29 Reply

          It may not have been offensive, but it was most certainly patronizing, and I need restraint not to react to opinions that condescend.

  4. pinkpanther
    July 08, 07:33 Reply

    And even if most gay men were to be all about sex, there are a good number of gay people who are perfectly capable of having loads of sex and still be ambitious about bettering their lives. I don’t get how people get off equating the love for sex to unseriousness with your life goals.

    • KingBey
      July 08, 10:06 Reply

      Thank you sweetheart…*kissess her*

  5. keredim69
    July 08, 07:34 Reply

    Evil transcends all sexualities. Just that some gay people do it with flair. Like saying goes, “Hell hath no fury like a queen scorned”.

    Just pray you never meet a vindictive person – gay straight or inbetween.

  6. Dominic
    July 08, 07:57 Reply

    Its sad. That’s why I prefer to err on the side of caution. I mean some gay guys are so messed and confused (no thanks to religion and probably poverty) that they feel moral to out or cause harm to other gays. I also fear obsession like mad…I mean all this I love u ‘so tey’ I can kill any girl I see with u. Emotions with most gays can be messy and cloud reasoning. Just imagine just ‘cos he can’t have u he resorted to bringing u down. Haba!!!

  7. Jarch
    July 08, 08:06 Reply

    Wonder what Tim Cook would have said if he’d seen Obatala’s comment tho. Lord help you that you’re not using an iPhone for starters cos you get a lifetime ban on all apple products and services heheheh. Then he’ll flip his blonde peruvian in you face (he’s done the flipping a few times so won’t be a suprise)

    Then he’ll call up Richard Quest to deliver Scorpion Babality (you’d remember this if you’d played mortal combat)

    • earl
      July 08, 14:51 Reply

      I love ur comments , jarch….LoL..!

    • xpressivejboy
      July 10, 06:51 Reply

      I’m madly in love Jarch’s personality….I love your lines.

  8. Jarch
    July 08, 08:13 Reply

    On a more serious note, we have enough to deal with on the outside. These petty jealousy won’t help us at all. If a gay guy is as good or even better that a straight guy at a particular job. Then give him a chance, rather than being worked up about if he’s checking out your cock size or your bubble butt

    Chances are he just into you

    Everybody get preference abi?

  9. luke
    July 08, 08:14 Reply

    First to the writer, a job well done and in many ways you so right, heard of many situations but let’s pray the whole attitude change, and soon.
    And now to the oga with the first comment (Obatala) ok we are sorry you always happen to work into established with with sluts as employees, or that God has too bless you, but you really do need to look around you, majority of my friends are bankers, successful designers, event planners and have their own business, and this are some of the most professionals people l know, and very good at what they all do, I don’t believe any person in his (right) senses would openly out him self.but then we have the hoes and the crazy ones, same as we have being straight, let me guess it would be normal that a girl at her job flirt with you and that would be right? As said we are our own enemy, don’t be quick to throw stones

  10. Absalom
    July 08, 08:33 Reply

    10 Million Likes Dennis! I’m really sorry about the shit you went through with that guy.

    The answer to why it SEEMS gays tear each other down easily may be found in any conversation about privilege and who holds power and who’s denied it. Do you know why people (especially men) say women find it difficult living in peace? Because the mostly patriarchal institutions of society cut them off or make things harder for them; and when they need an outlet, they turn on each other. That is why two men who are players will praise each other but two sex – workers will go: “Asewo, bitch, hooooooooo!”

    Now transpose that to the relationship society has with gays… Someone on this blog called another person a “homosexual” like it is a dirty word.

    That said, business and pleasure don’t mix ipso facto. There’s a guy in my life now…let’s just say I work for him in two different ways! #EditorByDayHoeByNight. Thank you.

    • Dennis Macauley
      July 08, 10:02 Reply

      ABSALOM!!! You have gone down the slippery road of sluttiness, *sprinkles holy water on your comment*

      • Ohizy
        July 08, 10:20 Reply

        Lmao… Denis ur so funny… Well add me up on BBM so I could supply u more holy water… 289D4ABD. Cheers!!!

    • trystham
      July 08, 12:10 Reply

      hmmmmm….that’s another way of looking at it. inequality resulting in insecurity. I neva thought it that way.

  11. Khaleesi
    July 08, 10:17 Reply

    Nice piece Dennis; so sorry about your traumatic experience **hugs**, and about mixing biz with pleasure, loosen up! duh!! you can let your hair down a bit sometimes … and then, you must work for expats!! cos if you worked for Nigerians, seeing how narrowminded and homophobic most of them are, you wouldnt even have been given a chance once there was any allegation as to your sexuality. They would have simply have raised a “holy, heavenly cloud” of indignation and cast you out while clutching their bibles tightly and organising a “prayer/binding&casting out session”. Lucky you!
    In my opinion, the reason there’s so much hatred and ill-will by gays towards other gays is chiefly due to internalized homophobia. A lot of us grew up hearing from our society as well as our churches that being gay is an evil of the worst and most condemnable sort. If you still have these notions stuck in your head, you will likely have traces of hatred in your hearts for gays, notwithstanding the fact that you are gay! This is another reason its so common here to hear gays speak about other gays in a detached manner very reminiscent of the tones used by homophobes. For as long as people continue to have conflicts brought about by guilt and a sense that their sexuality is wrong and evil, this problem will always persist.
    Kudos, Dennis for you support to other gay guys. If only more were like you! We need all the support and mutual reinforcement we can give to each other especially in a society as hostile and viciously homophobic as this is.

    • Dennis Macauley
      July 08, 14:07 Reply

      Khaleesi you are hilarious! We would have had a deliverance session in the office abi? LOL! But then you are right, I do work for expats. There was a Nigerian on the panel though who had a permanent smirk on her face (which was covered with cheap foundation). From the look on her face, she had passed judgment on me already.

  12. Blaq Jaqs
    July 08, 10:46 Reply

    Great write up and I agree with a lot written here.
    However I feel like the argument or statement is fundamentally flawed at least from my understanding of the piece. Why? Because it seems that certain deviant behaviour is tied to sexual orientation. The first office incident could have been a girl or a straight guy, with ill intentions and their backs against the wall the could have pulled the sexual harassment or heaven knows what other card at you.
    As for that male celebrity, if it’s the same one I think you are referring to, his attacks on social media and blogs has more to do with his character and people’s perception of him not really community members jealous of him. I know people who confirmed an abrupt change in his attitude post-stardom and it’s only humane for someone out there to react and decide to do something about it. And I’ve often wondered, na only am self? Why always him? I’m certain he’s not the only gay celebrity around. But why does the media have to go on about him and not the other countless others who are perhaps more successful self and probably more enviable. An eye for an eye isn’t right and I’m not advocating for it, but then again this is more of an issue of character and has more to do with the composition of an individual than which way your pendulum swings.
    There would always be good, bad and the very very ugly amongst us and every thing that comes with it. These mirror all strata of society. Is there any particular reason why our community would or should differ?
    If I ever got a job from another gay person, I’d want it simply because I’m the best and most qualified for it. Not because our orientation is the same. I want to be seen that way to by the average man. So I’d choose equality over nepotism/preference at any time even though society hasn’t evolved to that place yet.
    P.S. Obatala u must be uber-sexy! This one that all these Customer Serv Execs want to chop u raw! Them no even de look me. *tear*

  13. kingbeepantherbf
    July 08, 11:00 Reply

    just the same story with my very close friend. a sad experience I must confess.
    about laziness, I beg to differ completely. the nurses, doctors, lab scientists, pharmacists, etc, that I see in the teaching hospital that are gays all uphold the high standards of their profession and are quite successful. you would not refer to them as lazy people…or would you?

  14. Lothario
    July 08, 12:29 Reply

    Great write up Dennis…. First of all, sorry for what you went through. Second, I can’t get over idiots who believe that they should be handed everything on a platter of gold, it irks me, to say the least. And I’m sure a few of them are reading this, so be warned. The fact that you’ve got a hot bod or cute face gives you no right to use someone else as your ladder to the top, that’s just stupid. Hot bods have an expiry date, hot brains don’t….. Be smart, read books, work hard at your career, do whatever needs to be done to make yourself matter.

    I’ll be honest, when I was much younger, my friends and I were always about the ‘market’ that would trip us and what not. But I never saw that as a way of life that would move me to the next level, it really was all fun and games. Obatala might have been a bit harsh with his comment, but you can’t say he doesn’t have a point. A lot of young dudes have lost sight of what’s important and refuse to take anything serious, the number of tb dudes that have extra years in UniLag yearly is a huge cause of concern. Tb people are easily distracted, and by what? Weekends spent in bed with someone, who when the chips are down won’t even give you a second thought.

    I love sex, I’m very sexual….I love booty, I love boys (light skinned, dark skinned, bring it on)…..I love dick….love love love it all. But my career, my well being and my happiness are much more important to me than these. This culture of getting there on someone else’s sweat has to stop, honestly!

    Your sexuality doesn’t define you…. You are first and foremost a MAN before anything else. Be a man, not a wimp.

    • chestnut
      July 08, 15:36 Reply

      Thank you Lothario! Your comment gives me LIFE!!!!

  15. enkayced
    July 08, 13:58 Reply

    Nice topic today!
    Dennis, you hit some high and yet low points. That first sad experience could have been brought upon by a female.
    Then again, you must be a Tyson-Beckford Clone for all these testosterone to go running amok around you!
    And as for Obatala, you are soooo completely wrong.
    I have dated someone who happens to be the regional manager of his bank. Guess you know how hard you’ve got to work to achieve that.
    Personally, I had an extra year in school cause I was juggling 3 jobs while in university, so much so that I used to have just 3 hours of sound sleep every night.
    I have a circle of friends that include an Ambassador, an International graphic artist of repute, a whole bunch of Music Artistes, Pharmacists, and even businessmen of enviable feats.
    I doubt they would have gotten to where they are today by being ‘lazy’.
    People like Anderson Cooper and Richard Quest would so love to do a ’10 minute Special’ on CNN just to prove you wrong.
    Anyway, human behaviours have never being a function of sex.
    There have always being Lazy/Hardworking people and it isn’t going to change any time soon!

  16. Lexus
    July 08, 15:13 Reply

    I am a radiographer in a federal and 2 private hospitals in enugu, and its an insult to cal me lazy.

  17. Obatala
    July 08, 17:34 Reply

    holy smokes, just returned from work and logged into my favorite blog and what do I see, I am the butt of every ugly insult known to man.
    All for expressing my opinion, which is quite personal to me.
    where do I start from
    To all the successful, hardworking, talented people in the house, I want you to know that my comment was in no way directed at you all.
    Second, to all who misread my post, I want to clarify, I said my opinion is changing.
    To all who were genuinely offended by my innocuous comments, I am extremely sorry.
    If there is one thing I realised from the few replies I read, it is that we have a whole lot of talented dudes here. I am proud of you all.

    • pinkpanthertb
      July 08, 17:39 Reply

      Talk about grace. Lol. Obatala you’re my new favourite commenter. ☺

      • Blaq Jaqs
        July 08, 18:08 Reply

        I agree! Such Grace and humility. *sigh* Obatala you can port to my network anytime! *swoon*

    • Lothario
      July 08, 18:10 Reply

      You’re something else…OK can I love you? This is rare, someone who doesn’t bite off heads, instead corrects calmly. OK PP, I want Obatala’s contact…I found my husband. #shikena

      Chizzie, take a cue….

      • Heykins
        July 08, 19:55 Reply

        Very interesting write up Dennis and super interesting commentaries. Obatala deserves a medal for his calmness and humility. Its a very rare quality, please keep it up!

    • deola
      July 09, 05:29 Reply

      This comment reminds me of Lady Grantham of Downton Abbey. The woman knows how to handle the most awkward situations with such grace and class and you my friend have done just that. RESPECT.

      • sensuousensei
        July 09, 09:23 Reply

        Obatala! Respect oh! Thanks for showing ’em bitches good example…

  18. Obatala
    July 08, 19:26 Reply

    Lol. oh my, I am feeling like a superstar, (and what diva doesn’t like attention) however, I don’t think I have done anything extraordinary. its just the right thing to do.
    Lothario, I have my eyes on you.
    Blaq Jaq, #air kisses.
    #covers face

    • Lothario
      July 09, 08:38 Reply

      Oh for real? Oya send me your pin and number through PP

    • xpressivejboy
      July 10, 09:57 Reply

      Yeah, Obatala, you did right…such grace. I love you now than I can ever think. Just keep being good. Cheers Sweetie.

  19. john
    July 08, 20:29 Reply

    Dennis I don’t knw u but I owe u one for dis write up..

  20. Chizzie
    July 08, 21:15 Reply

    I dont agree with you, I don’t think its a “gay” thing. If we as gay guys want equal rights with straight folks then we should also be judged equally. Straight ppl backstab and pull down each other all the time, it’s never an issue influenced by the fact that they are straight. At the end of the day, it has nothing to do with sexuality. its just more of character; people regardless ot their sexual preference can decide to do what’s right or pursue a more diabolic route like ur coworker did.

    • trystham
      July 09, 12:54 Reply

      hahahahaha My God. You don’t even have a job. As you have always shoved in my face how ‘successful’ u were, one would have thought u wud have gloated with the kind of work u did when everyone else was stating theirs. All I see is just THIS measly comment??? You are useless truly

      • xpressivejboy
        July 10, 10:05 Reply

        Dennis, it’s a pity you had to go through this…and a good thing you share with us. Nice read. Keep it up.

        On the other news, can I ask for your contact from PP? Fearless…U’ve got a BF, remember?

  21. Legalkoboko
    July 10, 11:13 Reply

    A very interesting update, and even more interesting comments.

    I enjoyed every bit of it, guys.

  22. Johng864
    July 15, 15:13 Reply

    Normally I do not read post on blogs, but I wish to say that this writeup very compelled me to try and do it! Your writing style has been surprised me. Thanks, quite great article. dbcekeegfafk

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