ONE CHISOM AND ANOTHER CHISOM

ONE CHISOM AND ANOTHER CHISOM

There are some days, no matter how comfortable you’ve gotten in your closet, no matter how many extra locks you’ve installed on the sturdy mahogany doors, the devil would just wake up with you in his mind, and make it his first order of business to trip you out of the closet.

This story begins with a guy. (According to my friend, Colossus, it always begins with a guy)

Three years ago, I was in attendance of a workshop where the organizers provided accommodation for the workshop’s attendees in a hotel in Lekki. We were in our first week of lectures and I had started to get disenchanted by the fact that I had this entire hotel room to myself, away from the omnipresent eyes of the cousins I was staying with at the time, and I was yet to get any action going. It was most unacceptable.

And so during lectures that afternoon, while the instructor droned on, I cruised Badoo, hoping to snag some action. There were a few listless connections, where the prospect either corresponded with badly written English (a huge turn-off, this), or he lived a substantial distance away from my location (I don’t know why Badoo calls it ‘People Near To You’ when you get hits from guys staying not near to you).

Eventually I happened on Carl. He was perfect: good looking in his photos, had a great repartee during our conversation, and above all, was clearly as horny as I was. When it was established that he lived in Victoria Island, we made plans for him to come over to my hotel at the close of my lectures for the day.

And so, by 7pm, he was downstairs in the hotel lobby, buzzing me online for me to come pick him up. I went down to the lobby and breathed a silent ‘thank you’ to Jesus. In person, Carl was much more striking, with the small features I remembered from Badoo and an incredibly well-built body I was immediately hot for.

Because we’d already chatted about the fundamentals whilst online, there seemed to be no need for much talk when we got up to my room. We simply peeled off our clothes and went at each other in a passionate sex that embraced the entire room – from the bed to the table, to the bath-tub, and back to the bed. Our combined konji was thoroughly beaten and wrung out, until we lay there on the bed, deliciously exhausted, sated and catching our breath.

It was great sex, and in the week that followed, I was reluctant to get back online to look for other action. If Carl was available, why not enjoy more trysts with him until my stay at the workshop was over? I reasoned.

But Carl wasn’t available. After a brief catalogue of online exchanges between us, it became apparent to me that he’d been all about just the one time. Knack and waka pass thinz. I was quite disappointed. How does one give good sex one time and then move on? Sex, good sex, ought to be savored, enjoyed, spread out into multiple experiences to slake the thirst it evokes.

Anyway, when I got the message, I moved on. Life went on. And the years rolled by. Because my interaction with Carl didn’t move beyond Badoo (we didn’t even exchange numbers or BBM pins), we very quickly dropped out of touch.

Until last year ending, when I stumbled on his Instagram account; I followed him, he followed back. And that was it. We went back to our lives, only encountering each other on Instagram with the odd like of a photo. There was no attempt at reacquaintance in the Direct Messages, no innocuous exchanges in the comments sections of our photos, no comments dropped in fact. It’d been nearly three years, too much sex in between, and not enough interest left to reignite things between us.

However, all that changed some mornings ago. I’d been perusing my Instagram timeline, liking a picture here and commenting on a picture there. Then I came across a photo updated by Carl; it was a workout picture, and it seemed like he hadn’t worked out in awhile, because he captioned the photo with a lamentation of how it’d been so long since he did this.

However long it had been, he still looked good. And suddenly feeling cheeky, I navigated to the comment section to let him know how appreciated his body was. My comment was a compliment, purposed to be tongue-in-cheek, without any suggestive intent – something about how good his body still looked if it was anything like what I remembered. (In hindsight, maybe it did seem suggestive, but totally undeserving of the fuss that arose from it).

I moved on from the picture and continued with my idle perusal of my timeline. A few minutes later, I got a notification of a message in my DM. I navigated to the DM icon and clicked it open to see I’d gotten a message from Carl. My involuntary reaction to this was a small rush of surprised pleasure. That quickly evaporated when I began reading what he had to say to me.

Basically, he was indignant over the comment I’d dropped on his photo. The first few lines of his reproachful message showed that he considered the comment suggestive. I was nodding my head in understanding, deciding that I’d go and delete the comment if he hadn’t already done so, when I got to the rest of his message, a blistering set of words which went thus: Move on already from me. And kindly keep your intellect and drama to yourself.

At first I was stunned.

I should move on already from him?

I should keep my intellect and drama to myself?

All this because of a lone comment, a singular compliment?

On the heels of my astonishment came an instant surge of anger. Who did this fucker think he was really? Someone I hadn’t interacted with in three years, hadn’t lost sleep over since the night we shagged in 2013, was scolding me to move on – was he serious?! How self absorbed could one person get? And seriously – my intellect and drama? Just how intellectual was ‘you’ve still got a good body’? how possibly dramatic was that?

I was so pissed, and riding the flames of that irritation, I set about to dress him down in my response. I heaved up my intellectual shotgun armed with very dramatic bullets, and proceeded to waste him with an overweight clapback. What a self absorbed prick! When I was done, I went to the block button and raptured him from my social media presence.

Still feeling restless with annoyance, I went over to my BBM Private Message (pm) where I updated a caustic post about people over-inflating their importance to other people who don’t even care.

Now, here’s where the devil perfected his work.

Following my pm update, a BBM contact of mine named Chisom buzzed me with a laughing smiley and a message: ‘Abeg who was that sub aimed at?’

Now to give you an idea of how this story ends, here’s a bit of background information. I happen to have two contacts named Chisom in my BBM friend list – one’s a fellow gay man and the other is a straight female. However, the gay friend has just ‘Chisom’ as his BBM profile name, whereas the female friend has both ‘Chisom’ and her surname put up on her profile.

When I looked – the barest of glances really at the profile – the contact currying up to me for gist was named ‘Chisom’. So of course, the gay friend. And without further prompting, I dived into my narration.

It’s one stupid moron like that, I began typing furiously and sending each message after its full-stop.

We met and shagged like a gazillion years ago.

The sex was good.

I wanted more.

But when it became clear he wasn’t into that, I moved on.

I was typing my next line when a message was pinged back to me. It was a simple, startled question.

He?

The moment I saw the message, I froze. At first, I was confused by it. Why would my gay friend be clarifying the male pronoun in the gist I was giving him? Then a dreadful realization began nipping at the edge of my mind as I took a proper glance at the contact’s profile. Yes indeed, the name was ‘Chisom’, but a look at the display picture caused the ground to drop away from under me. It was the same display picture that the female Chisom had had on for days. A quick search of my contacts confirmed it: the female Chisom had edited the surname from her profile. Basically, I had a ‘Chisom’ and another ‘Chisom’.

While I was busy making all these discoveries that had my insides churning with shock and apprehension, a few more messages dropped into our chat. I went over to read them. She’d followed up with:

Oh wow, I’d always wondered. I mean, with your firm LGBT stance on Facebook, and some of the pro-gay posts you put up on your blog, I’d always wondered.

But it never occurred to me that you could really be gay.

Kai! And I’d been eyeing you all this time.

Just imagine how you have ruined my future ambitions with you.

The last line she accompanied with a wailing emoticon.

As I read, I felt my lips twist upward with smiling appreciation of her humour. And then I found myself querying within me: Now what?

I had two options. I could either own my truth (*side-eyeing Max for no reason at all*), or I could do a quick damage control. It would cost nothing really; my mistake had being in typing the wrong pronoun – he. I could easily convince her that I’d meant to type ‘she’ but in my frenzied haste, I’d missed the ‘s’.

Then I found myself thinking: What the heck? Piece by piece, my life is already serving as a revelation to my friends and family. Everything I say online is unapologetically pro-LGBT. Most people familiar with my online persona are clear on my sentiments about marriage. I pull no punches in any online or offline debates I get pulled into concerning the LGBT. My adoration for Beyoncé is a documented unhidden fact. And on my other, more mainstream blog, I update LGBT posts so frequently that a female reader once commented: It seems this blog is pro-gay. Say one bad thing about the LGBT here and the voltrons reading this blog will use sarcasm and bad mouth to finish you.

I chuckled when I read that comment. (*side-eyeing the guilty-as-charged Mandy, Max, Colossus and Pete*)

I also remembered a conversation I recently had with Colossus, when he informed me of how a close mutual friend of ours, who’s female, had let on to him that she believes I’m bisexual. In her opinion, I speak online about LGB issues with the kind of fervor reserved for those acquainted with the community. Plus, she’d noticed that I wear really tight trousers. Lol. I laughed when he told me that. Me, Pink Panther – bisexual?! I thought about the resident sexuality police here on KD and shuddered.

And so, bearing all this in mind, I typed my response to Chisom, the female.

Yes, he. Do you have a problem with that?

She typed back: And then, what now come and happen after the good sex?

Written by Pink Panther

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46 Comments

  1. Keredim
    May 23, 06:31 Reply

    ?????
    Brilliant!!!

    You sef, you no get shame? After 3 years you still dey wan attach yourself to Carl. Na so the thing hard you reach?!???

    Proud of you for “owing your truth”. Some preach it (loudly), but just can’t do it when the chips are down.??????

  2. Mandy
    May 23, 06:49 Reply

    LMAO!!! I thoroughly enjoyed this. And you’re eyeing me, I’m not as voltronic as Max on that blog abeg. Gives you an inkling of how it’d get here when/if the homophobic hetero public discovers KD.

  3. Kainene
    May 23, 07:10 Reply

    Oh yessss! “Intellectual shot gun, armed with my very dramatic bullet” I trust the stamina of dat gun. Lmao!!!

  4. belcullen
    May 23, 07:15 Reply

    hahaha. Dat moment when your thinking of how 2 do damage control and another bomb hits. Wow i sure like your courage PP, pls do tranfer some..

  5. Williams
    May 23, 07:20 Reply

    I love the way you put words together. Brilliant!

  6. #TeamKizito
    May 23, 07:23 Reply

    (My adoration for Genevieve Nnaji is a documented hidden fact…) *coughs*

    Awww. Pinky owned up to his truth.

  7. geeluv
    May 23, 07:41 Reply

    “I updated a caustic post about people over – inflating their importance to other people who don ’ t even care”. like seriously…. you didn’t even care?????

  8. pete
    May 23, 08:07 Reply

    Wait PP, I have never seen you as one in any closet.

    • Pink Panther
      May 23, 08:15 Reply

      We’re all closeted one way or the other until we’re in an enabling environment.

      • Tiercel de Claron
        May 23, 11:54 Reply

        You may think otherwise,but you’ve inadvertently been out of that closet since time Imo river.
        Ask your straight friends,they’ll tell you they know or long suspected

  9. Terra
    May 23, 08:43 Reply

    That was pretty funny. And Chisom seems an awesome lady. Thank you for this

  10. Kenny
    May 23, 08:47 Reply

    LMAO. This was interesting. The thing is once your closet door swings open accidentally, the urge to just own up to the truth is very hard to resist. I’ve been there.

  11. posh6666
    May 23, 08:53 Reply

    Lol talk about drama thats hw one son of a bitch too wanted to ruin my day one time like that shortly after the passing of the 14yrs jail tingy and alot of people were really insecured.So i passed a nice innocent complement,aswer it had no sexual undertone to it,infact me and this looser had never had sex uptil that moment he had been on my case for a long while but as if i knee he was a real son of a bitch i never gave up the kitty….

    After my complement,i went my way and didnt think nothing about it and then gbam! The almighty dm stinker this looser gave me a serious read and when i was done i didnt even have the energy or enough negativity in me to insult him..

    So i just blocked his black ass and from that moment i knew even in the nxt 20yrs if we run into eachother and he dares say hi to me am gonna give him the embarrasment of his life! I will read him for the filth he is and tell him how pathetic he looks.

    • dabo
      May 23, 11:52 Reply

      pinky how did you understand what he wrote? i read it severally, i couldn’t fathom it…sigh.

  12. LOL! Something like that almost happened to me once. Since then I started naming my BBM contacts by my damn self.

  13. Delle
    May 23, 10:33 Reply

    Lol. I just knew it’s PP. Beautiful story.

    Some guys are so freaking annoying. Such a high-headed mongoose! So someone cannot compliment you again because of a three years old shag? Pffts!
    The Chisom girl really is a darling. Most times, when you throw it so suddenly on the faces of those you think are homophobic that you’re gay, they rarely know how to respond. Remember, you’re the one doing the surprise thing, if it’s the other way round, you’re on narrow trip to OYO land.

  14. Khaleesi
    May 23, 11:07 Reply

    Chaiii, this is how you’ll be busy putting finishing touches to the interior decor inside your dazzling glittering closet and suddenly, a freak storm from nowhere will just swoop in and blow off the roof you examined a few days ago and certified as strong and durable. Before you can think of damage control, the storm would have soaked you thoroughly. I like the way you recovered quickly and regained control of the convo …

    • Pink Panther
      May 23, 11:40 Reply

      Hahahahahahahahahaa! Khaleesi and his crisis descriptions.

  15. Kamal
    May 23, 11:08 Reply

    WTF! Like seriously? A blog like this existed all these years and I hadn’t the thinnest idea? With even so much unapologetic wit and sensational aura?… Too much for being an over closeted me think… Finally home’s here. Doesn’t it just feel damn to good to be Home?

    • Pink Panther
      May 23, 11:39 Reply

      Well welcome Kamal. Settle in and get reading. Kito Diaries is a heck of a place. 😀

      • Keredim
        May 23, 12:12 Reply

        ***said the spider to the fly***
        ??????

        • Delle
          May 23, 13:35 Reply

          Haha! Cracked me up good, Kere.

  16. JBoy
    May 23, 11:12 Reply

    Much Respect!

    Glad you feel better…

  17. Eddie
    May 23, 12:10 Reply

    I think it’s pretty obvious that you hadn’t moved on from Carl. Some of these airheads are not worth the stress really….though I can imagine how annoying it must have been to hear the twat say those things to you lol

  18. Duke
    May 23, 15:25 Reply

    I stopped reading half way to say… WHAT DA FUCK! LIKE WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK! Who does he think he is kwanu?

  19. Duke
    May 23, 15:45 Reply

    Nice one PP. Glad your friend Chisom wasn’t homophobic. But, i swear, all that craziness in one day? The devil no gree for you that day oh.

  20. bountyhunter
    May 23, 19:07 Reply

    trust me if the sex was great as you thought he won’t run away. you had great sex and he didnt. cool story tho’

  21. Novacane
    May 23, 21:03 Reply

    Kinda reminds me of how my female childhood friend (whom i’ve messed around with a couple) buzzed me and asked about my sexuality, My mood that day was too chilled. i told her i liked boys and girls, and that was that. Sometimes just owning up can take a major load off your shoulder and you could get an unexpected ally or gist mate or whatever…

  22. bryannnn
    May 24, 15:15 Reply

    Very interesting!!!!!!!!………
    It had me screamin inwardly……
    Nice write-up……
    Perfect diction.

  23. Colossus
    May 24, 16:10 Reply

    Hahahahahaha hahahaha. I swear, you gisting me the story in no way does justice to it. It’s way better written. Here I was, thinking you handled it like a boss, when at first you were so scared you almost shat your tight pants.
    Way to go brother, way to go.

  24. Cedar
    May 26, 17:42 Reply

    My o my. Story gat me screaming and laughing at the same time. Nice story bro. Happens sometimes but the owning up part?, kai, oya afiakwa aru.

  25. Mr . Raj
    May 28, 11:51 Reply

    Have never exactly come out of the closet to someone. . I have played the whole “I really have no gender preference” card before, in order to suggest bisexuality, as I felt it was a way of being forgiven for being ‘half normal’ (yeah, I know how ridiculous that sounds)

    Lately, I have an ocean of padlocks on my closet, and I don’t even suggest bisexuality, anymore to anyone. Family isn’t the type to play “we still love you card” and there isn’t a supportive environment,

    Wish we could have a meet of kdians, because, after a chat with fellow gay men weeks ago, I understood why alcoholics feel better after AA meetings…

    Not saying we have a problem, my analogy just wanna point out that we would feel better if we had a support group, as we have an online one here, but even that would pose security concerns.

    I love KD. .

    #wouldstartcommentinmore

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