PAMPERS

PAMPERS

When your baby brother was born in the hospital, that place that smelled strangely of liquid soap and disinfectant, your father bought a big pack of pampers for his shit and pee. And whenever he cried, his face scrunched up and legs up in the air, your mother carried him, felt his buttocks and said, “Cheta’s pampers is wet. Give me another one from the bag.”

The news around the school was about homosexual people. All the boys in your class, boys like Chuka, Emeka, Michael, Odika, boys who wore smartly ironed uniforms, called it Homo or Nditu (ass busters). And during CRS class or Science class, they asked questions related to homosexuality.

“Excuse me ma, was there condoms during Jesus’ time?”

“What did homosexuals use in that period?”

They would ask these with suppressed laughter, and your CRS teacher, a portly woman with a tired gait, would stare at them sternly and continue with her story of how Jesus changed water to wine.

But what really amazed you in their stories was the one about pampers. It was not the ‘homos will roast like popcorn in hellfire’ stories. It was the story that a gay man had gone to have sex in a hotel with his partner – not lover, because they did not believe that two men could love themselves – and when they finished, the other man’s intestines spilled out through his buttocks, and his partner had to rush and get pampers for him to wear, so his intestines would not drop to the floor.

You were amazed.

Later when you got home, you snuck into Cheta’s room, picked up a diaper and stared at it. It felt soft and firm, like bread from the bakery on Uka Street, and you wondered how something this squishy could hold intestines in it, and why gay men had to wear pampers.

It became a standing joke in your class.

“Don’t touch me o! I’m not ready to wear pampers yet.”

“Let those gay people catch you, your pampers will be extra-large!”

“Abeg free me joor. My pampers size never dey market.”

And whenever you laughed at their jokes, you felt your earlier amazement begin to dwindle, to trickle like sand in a bag with holes in the bottom. And finally, when it dwindled completely, a new fear lodged itself in your heart and began to choke you. It tightened your throat and made you dread your sexuality, made you dread what would happen if you finally had sex with someone who liked boys the way you did. Of course your intestines would spill too, and you would have to steal Cheta’s pampers and wear them. And your punctilious mother would notice that they were missing, and would know that you had taken them to wear. And then your parents would know you liked boys more than girls.

And each time you thought about this, your fear bunched like wool, and it wrapped you up until you felt listless and limp, your palms sweaty.

***

Cyrus came when you were in SS3 first term, when the paint of your school had started to peel and gaping holes were in the windows because most of the louvers had been broken. You found his name odd. Cyrus Amadi. Most people you knew had mostly Igbo names – Raluchi, Onuekwusie, Fanasi – and those who had English names had conventional Biblical names like Tabitha, Cornelius, Zechariah.

But Cyrus was a foreign name, something you heard on TV, and this foreignness filled you with wonder.

Cyrus was dignified in a serene way. He did not join the other boys to joke about homos. He did not laugh when they told anecdotes about a gay man who was burnt in Onitsha, or another one who was stripped naked and made to walk naked while people shouted at him, saying he was a disgrace to other men and that this was why many ladies remained single because all the handsome men were nditu. Cyrus did not laugh. He simply stared at them, his left eyebrow arched slightly as if what they said did not matter to him. And each time someone said something like, “Na pampers you go wear last-last,” you glanced at Cyrus to see if he would laugh. But he never did. He never even smiled.

It was on a Wednesday afternoon, one that was ablaze with heat, that Cyrus finally stopped you as you packed your bags to go home. You stared at him when he stood in front of you, his tie lopsided, and his smile gentle.

“You live on Obollo Close, don’t you?” he said.

“Yes,” you replied. You did not know how he knew where you lived, but you felt pleased that he knew something…anything about you.

“I live on Uka Street, in that tall house beside the bakery,” he said. “I always see you when you come for bread.”

You laughed as riotous thoughts crowded your mind. Perhaps Cyrus liked boys in the same arousing way you did. Perhaps he wanted to be friends, ordinary friends who went to school together and returned home together.

“Are you going home now?” he asked you when you zipped your bag.

“Yes,” you said.

He carried his own bag too and walked with you until you got to the dense cluster of withering nondescript flowers where the roads separated and you turned to your own street and Cyrus to his.

On the Wednesday when the mid-term tests ended, and Thursday and Friday were mid-term break, Cyrus walked home with you. And during the walk, he said something funny about a woman with matted weave-on, and you laughed loudly, throwing your head back and standing beside the dense cluster of flowers.

“I like you,” he said.

You stared at him, and in the sky bleached to a powdery shade of blue, bereft of clouds, you saw that the sun was tilting.

“Are you…” you started to say.

And he nodded, as if to say he understood things you did not, as though he knew saying you were gay felt sticky on your tongue and difficult to unfurl.

“I want us to be more than friends,” he said.

And even though you felt there was a theatric feel to his words, something strapping boys with sprouts of hair on their chin said to coy giggling girls, you felt something burst open in your chest, something deliciously warm and silky in that region where your heart thumped.

***

It was Cyrus who finally unraveled the mystery of Pampers to you. You were in his parents’ house, in his room where the wall was painted a muted green. His trouser was off, and even though you had kissed his lips, rubbing your hands over his erection, you still could not let him unbuckle your belt and take off your trousers.

“Why?” he asked you, nibbling your left earlobe and running a finger in little circles round your nipple.

You wanted him to do more than that, you wanted him to slip into you and see if you would feel the same sporadic bursts of pleasure you felt when you touched yourself in the bathroom, the smell of LUX soap masking the stench of semen.

“I don’t want to wear Pampers,” you said, and attempted to slip away from him as your discomfiture surged inside you.

He stopped nibbling your earlobe, and focused on you. Locking gazes with him felt too heavy with lust, and small needles of pleasure scattered round your body to your feet, pricking you.

“Pampers?” he asked, surprised.

Of course he had not heard the story of the two partners in the hotel, the one whose intestines spilled out after having sex. So you told him, staring at the small hole in the ceiling and wondering what he would do if your own intestines spilled out your ass. Would he run out and buy pampers or would he tell you to hold it in with your hand until you got home and could steal from Cheta’s trolley?

He began to laugh when you ended your story, loud laugher that seemed so unlike him. Then he told you things like that never happened, that gay people never wore pampers after having sex. He told you about the last neighbourhood he lived in before his parents moved here, the area where people who hated homosexuality had used the word ‘pampers’ until it had an ominous pallor. Of course it was a lie, the intestines did not drop out of one’s ass like that. And even if it did, it was never caused by sex.

When he finished speaking, you felt an unsettling peace, like a butterfly, resting on you and then going away again. Finally, you stood up and unbuckled your belt.

“Let’s do it,” you said slowly.

And as he slipped into your ass, you grasped the bed sheets and moaned. You felt like you were two as his thrusts multiplied; one part of you was being pleasured, the other part was worrying that your intestines would slip out, and whether you had enough money to buy pampers.

In the end, your intestines did not make any gory appearance from your behind. And as Cyrus slipped out of you and took off the condom, you felt strangely bereft, as if someone had sunk the boat you were sailing on, the boat of pleasure and dreams.

“Do we still need pampers for you?” he asked with a teasing smile as he stood up.

And you laughed, a spontaneous sound that burst from you as you embraced him, perceiving your body scent enmeshed in his.

Written by La-Coozee

Previous That Piece About The Myths And Misconceptions About Gay Men
Next PHOTOS: The Best Kim Davis Memes (So Far)

About author

You might also like

Fiction 6 Comments

Preference

Chase Brown smiled as he excitedly climbed out of his Ford Mustang and hurried into his townhouse. The reason why he was so excited was because he’d finally met someone

Fiction 16 Comments

The Siren Call

There is a wisdom that comes from having your heart broken more times than the number of beers you’ve downed in your lifetime. It’s like Archimedes and the damned crown.

Fiction 10 Comments

THE IMMORTALS

We remember the beginning, but not for long… The 1500s had a certain chill to it. Nowhere seemed safe in the kingdom, not with the constant wars. Mykaelis was considered

44 Comments

  1. Francis
    September 07, 06:13 Reply

    ??? Nice entry. One myth busted. Lol

  2. drizzle
    September 07, 06:26 Reply

    Beautifully written, chale, una fit write o….

  3. Jamie
    September 07, 06:37 Reply

    First time was so painless for this boy; as easy as a classmate asking him out!! Lol

  4. Masked Man
    September 07, 06:50 Reply

    In SS3, ehkwa?

    Some shildern haff bad finish.

    This was nicely written. I like it!!!

  5. Mitch
    September 07, 07:27 Reply

    La-Cooze, you surprise me! Thought this was Rapum’s work when I saw it. Good job

  6. #Chestnut
    September 07, 07:41 Reply

    When I read d first paragraph, I thought “Yay,Rapu’m is BACK”;I mean this as a compliment La-Cooze…u’re a highly gifted writer.

  7. Mandy
    September 07, 07:58 Reply

    There’s just a certain sweetness to this story that I just love. A sweetness and an innocence too. Pampers, intestines spilling out after sex… I actually laughed along with the character at those ‘jokes’.

  8. Kene Ozumba.
    September 07, 08:06 Reply

    Oh, how I love this blog. The many things it means to me. The clarity of emotions and moods, penned down here is impeccable. The many talents that are shut out for the fear of what? Africa, wake up.

    BTW, I am a first time commenter. Straight but liberal. Hi everyone.

    • Panther
      September 07, 08:07 Reply

      Another heterosexual visitor… 🙂 Nice. Welcome. Hopefully, we can get to read a thing or two from you, yes? 😀

        • Panther
          September 07, 08:13 Reply

          Yes nau. I can’t remember the pseudonym he went by but Khaleesi gave him a rousing welcome.

      • Max
        September 07, 08:13 Reply

        Ashewo story. *tueh*

  9. JArch
    September 07, 08:26 Reply

    I always thought that pampers gist was only common in my area in the south. Obviously it wasn’t

    This was an amazing story La-cooze, loved the flow and the emotions that you captured in it. I was holding my breath at the end of each story wondering if this was a love story laced with a kito story.

    Loved it totally!!

  10. Verified
    September 07, 08:47 Reply

    And I just imagined these words in reality 9-10 yrs ago “the smell of LUX soap masking the stench of semen” and I laughed…

  11. Teflondon
    September 07, 09:29 Reply

    **claps for whoever the writer is**

    Like someone said earlier the talent on display here on a daily basis (Bar a few knitwits) gives me a real hiding.

    Articles like this reminds me of why I feel blessed to be part of the KD family sometimes. **trying really hard not to exergeratte**

    • #Chestnut
      September 07, 11:25 Reply

      Darling, I don’t think u need to try hard not to exergeratte. Now I don’t mean to exaggerate, but u strike me as someone who isn’t afraid to break d rules of limits at all.
      (Who can see what I did there?anybody?if u can see what I did there,raise ur hands,pls…hehe *picks race* #Messy)

  12. Sinnex
    September 07, 09:42 Reply

    La Coozee Ma Boozee

    This is another beautiful piece. You never disappoint!

    Anyway, I am still afraid of anal sex. I fear that I am going to bleed… if ordinary…can make me bleed…how would… not make it worse.

  13. spade
    September 07, 09:58 Reply

    Thumbs, i laughed all along.

  14. JOJOARMANI
    September 07, 09:59 Reply

    Tought shit like the pampers story was only common in my school. A coozee, sweetie you are gifted!… Please it shouldnt end on KD here, drop an amazing piece for the world… Well written i must say. The amazing gift tbs possess though.

  15. Khaleesi
    September 07, 10:40 Reply

    Damn!!! what a lovely piece! the delivery was flawless … i actually felt like i was there watching it all unfold. La Coozee, your style is so similar to Rapu’m & Absalom, i was so sure it was one of them.
    @Kene Ozumba, glad to have you here bro, my heart’s always full of joy when i meet straight guys who have managed to escape the genetically encoded homophobia that abounds around here – please do stick around, i guarantee you, your “nyash” is covered with his blood … lol

    • #Chestnut
      September 07, 11:15 Reply

      Hahaha Khaleesi! “Nyash” and “blood” in d same sentence; that sounds like a pampers-worthy situation…

  16. MissMeiya
    September 07, 11:10 Reply

    That’s my fucking baby! Coozee you will be famous.

  17. Temi Cole
    September 07, 11:49 Reply

    Wow! Ur prose is beautiful and fluid and warm and magical! I want to write like you when I grow up!
    Please any links for Rapum’s posts. If his writing is anything like this I’d like to drown myself in it!

  18. Ruby
    September 07, 12:13 Reply

    Lovely Read…
    Hilarious as well….

  19. Ramsey
    September 07, 12:51 Reply

    Interesting tale.. I missed this, use to read but never placed a comment, Until today… My first time was uhmmm, uh wats that word? Uhmmm, see I don’t know the word…

  20. A-non
    September 07, 13:36 Reply

    Made for quite an interesting read!

  21. Ace
    September 07, 16:33 Reply

    Lovely! Lovely! Lovely! I am jealous oh! Na person like me dey write like this. The smoothness, transition and climax. Amazing.

  22. Keredim
    September 07, 18:54 Reply

    SSP ?? checking in (albeit late).

    Yep. Condom present. All clear.

    I just love this story….

    ??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

  23. Jason
    September 08, 08:24 Reply

    This was so beautifully written. I couldn’t contain my laughter. I loved it.

  24. Zephallon
    September 08, 10:16 Reply

    Biko the world just got extra-sophisticated.

  25. Diablo
    September 08, 17:25 Reply

    Felt like i was reading a Chimamanda book. Loved every bit and didn’t want it to end. Is this fiction?

  26. La-Coozee
    September 09, 19:29 Reply

    Guess who missed the party? lol. Thank you so much Pinkie Wintour! And everyone, I love you and appreciate every single comment you left. E seun. Daalu. Na gode. 🙂 😀

  27. Evil Empress
    June 18, 17:03 Reply

    Abeg this one was hilarious!!! *intestines making a gory appearance*

    #BisexualFemale

  28. cuntlicker
    June 18, 20:37 Reply

    Very funny. …lol..

    #BisexualFemale
    #EvilEmpress’Bae

    Yeah I tracked u here b@*”h

Leave a Reply