Two Kito Stories In One (A Sallah Special)

Two Kito Stories In One (A Sallah Special)

Hi, I’m Lanre, and the following stories are real life, narrations that serve as a much needed bonus in this kito-ridden Nigeria of ours, to remind us to keep our spider senses on always.


african-amerian-man-thinkingKito Story One

Location: Garki, Abuja.

Date: Late 2012, pre-14 years

Tersee and Lanre were in an open relationship, they frequently found market for each other. Porn-star-sized orgies were common in the apartment they shared, but no one doubted the dynamic duo were in love. They had kept the relationship going for five years. In gay terms, that’s like, for-e-vurrrrr!

So this rainy day in July, Tersee brought Shamsu home to the lion’s den, to be slaughtered by Lanre’s eleven inch weapon of ass-destruction. And what an ass – all round mound, large as a heifer’s, on a dark skinned corpulent Hausa bitch in a white t-shirt, tight denim jeans and a brown sweater.

They didn’t waste time on the introductions. Tersee’s friend wasn’t much of a talker, he was just a submissive bottom who whimpered and moaned to the script and took dick as much as Tersee’s ‘husband’ could sling.

So they went at it all night long, turning this way and that and doing things that would make a porn star blush. By the time the sun came up, they had tried every position in the Kama Sutra. And then some. It was time well spent, Shamsu had been as open as a train track and Lanre was tingling with post-connubial bliss, cradling the new conquest in his arms, contemplating the next few rounds.

Things were about to change however. As soon as Tersee stepped out to go to the market, Lanre decided to take a much needed snooze. Meanwhile, Shamsu could be heard speaking Hausa on the phone, with intermittent smatterings of English. Then he seemed to receive some important information, his mother was looking for him. He therefore needed to come home immediately. Shamsu, speaking in English this time, told the caller that he wouldn’t be able to come home immediately but could call mum to explain.

Thereafter, Shamsu told a half-awake Lanre that he needed to make a phone call outside, could he borrow Lanre’s phone?

Of course, answered a drowsy and sexually-satiated Lanre, and he promptly handed over his iPhone 5 to the Black Bitch with a Fat Ass Who Could Take Dick and Never Complain. It was pussy power at its best.

Shamsu promptly took the fine phone and walked outside in just his t-shirt and bum-hugging jeans, not taking the brown sweater which he had worn earlier, but leaving it conspicuously draped over a chair in the room, ostensibly as a sign that he wasn’t going very far.

That was the last time Mister Horny Devil, Big Dick, Ass Loving Lanre ever saw his precious white iPhone 5.  Yup. The one with all those private pictures in it, those saved messages, and those files and personal documents. The same one he ordered online from America for over 500 Dollars. It was gone with the wind – or rather, with the Fat Ass Smart Bitch Who Took Dick Like A Pro . . . And Took Phones Too.

It stung Lanre like a wicked wasp. He felt like a fool. And indeed he had been. How could he have trusted a stranger? All because of a night of wild porn-star sex.

Tersee came home and they called the number all day for days until it stopped ringing. Shamsu had obviously thrown the sim card out.

And they never saw him again.


Kito Story Two

Location: New Haven, Enugu

Date: Early 2014. 14 years in view.

Junior and Siegfried had been in a relationship for three years. Junior, a smart Igbo boy in his first year of medical school, Siegfried the German Julius Berger Contractor building roads in Enugu whom all other TBs had tried to snatch unsuccessfully from the handsome and lucky Junior.

So it was that Saturday afternoon, that Siegfried phoned his lover to come join him at their favorite hangout for a drink, somewhere around New Haven.

Junior, by the way, had just finished fucking (yeah, he fucked on the side frequently, Oyinbo ass was not enough for him). Junior got in the car with his latest conquest – the car which Siegfried had bought for him – intending to drop off the dude on the way to meet his German oga.

At the agreed bus-stop, the conquest refused to get out of the car until he had gotten something. Na wa o. Which one be dis o. Shuo! Did we discuss such things? Junior was beginning to boil. He couldn’t afford to be late for his appointment with Siegfried. The conquest didn’t budge; instead, he picked up his phone and dialed, a strange voice on the other end answered curtly. Junior looked on, confused and angry. He began to try and push the silly child out of his fine car while shouting and demanding compliance.

Out of the corner of his eye, a tall stranger emerged, sinister looking and opened the side door where Junior was. It had been a set-up.

Junior panicked. The evil bitch looked silently as the tall stranger brandished a police ID and said, “So this is what you guys have been doing, okwaya?” Then he stuck a knife in Junior’s side and made a menacing phone call to ‘the others’. “They are here o. We have caught them…”

A mortified Junior was forced to part with the Rolex watch on his wrist and 300 Dollars in his pocket. Foreign currency was nothing to this flashy Igbo boy whose boyfriend was a German contractor.

The silly child sitting in the passenger’s side reached around to the backseat and grabbed Junior’s iPad mini. And then they made him get out of the car.

Junior, in full panic, walked away and hopped on a commercial motorbike to the plunge where Siegfried was waiting, wondering what took him so long.

At the tears that burst out of his lover’s tensed frame, and the gory story, Siegfried was incensed and jumped up immediately. He walked to the bar and commandeered two waiters and a bouncer – and a taxi outside – and headed for where Junior abandoned the car. Lo and behold, the hoodlums were still there. This time they were more, laughing, gisting around the conquest!

Junior pointed a finger of vengeance – That’s him! – and without further ado, Siegfried pounced on the conquest and started to beat the living day lights out of him, dragging the silly child out on the road. The fake police and the other guys tried to escape when the saw the menacing bouncer and two waiters. They were not fast enough. They too got the beating of their lives.

Siegfried recovered his boyfriend’s gadgets and snatched the car keys from the silly child, waved a stern Hitler finger at him and warned him to stay away. Such criminal behavior was utterly senseless in his German mind, from a country where being gay was normal.

They drove off, leaving the nonplussed criminals eating dust. Siegfried paid off the staff of the lounge. But for the next many months until he eventually left the country, he and Junior had to lie low, for fear of reprisals. In fact, they moved out of the houses they’d been living in, and holed up in a friend’s home until they felt safe enough to return to normal life again.

The End.

Happy Sallah.

Stay safe.

Written by Lanre Swagg

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  1. trystham
    July 28, 07:16 Reply

    1st story wasn’t a kito joor. That was a ‘pay-for-every-sex-styles-you-did’ story. That’s why I tell all these tops, “fuck gently. You don’t know when you have to pay” They wee b pumping like there is no tomorrow.

    As for the second, I love it. Good for the criminals. That German was quite bold in his anger n it paid off. I don’t think those thieves would av dreamt of reprisals sef. They wud b av bin too scared. Not now when the law backs them up. They could organise themselves in ‘righteous’ anger

    • earl
      July 28, 10:02 Reply

      Buhahahahhahahahahahahahaha…….. Oh lawd.. So his iPhone was a payment for the wild sex, yh…?

  2. Lexus
    July 28, 07:26 Reply

    Nice story but my dear iphone 5 wasnt dia in 2012. Maybe u 4 cal dis a fictn

    • KingBey
      July 28, 19:18 Reply

      iphone 5 was released in september 2012…and the writer pointed out the story happened late 2012…he also pointed out the phone was ordered from the US…so I see no fiction there

    • pinkpanthertb
      July 28, 07:34 Reply

      Hehehehe! You did say you are looking for a sugar daddy, didn’t you?

    • Jarch
      July 28, 07:50 Reply

      Not just any white boyfriend though a white boyfriend that can organize “boys” and become a hilter in the event of a kito.

      • trystham
        July 28, 08:04 Reply

        Very apt. The german went hitler on dem gaybashers. You need a german bf.

  3. sensuousensei
    July 28, 08:49 Reply

    So the thieves actually waited long enough for Junior to come back?

  4. king
    July 28, 09:14 Reply

    Wow nice story…good for those Enugu craps!!

  5. poshyydude
    July 28, 11:09 Reply

    I agree with trysham but the second was a wow!!! Just wishing I had such a lover who will defend me. Hmmmm

  6. Chizzie
    July 28, 11:42 Reply

    What I could infer from this was that monogamy and same sex relationships don’t mix. I know infidelity isn’t just exclusive to gay couples as straight folks have their fare share of cheating. ..but with gays it is more or less commonplace, like an eventuality. You are dating a white guy who bought u are car and yet u cheat on him with a “small boy”…and orgies??? what is wrong with us pls? Why can’t we just commit to one penis.

    I find it hard to sympathize with this particular kito story because they got what they were asking for.

    • pinkpanthertb
      July 28, 12:53 Reply

      If this is repeated anywhere else, I will categorically deny I said it. But I absolutely agree with Chizzie here.

      • Jarch
        July 28, 17:24 Reply

        Took a screen grab- oya come and bite me Hahahaha

    • ace
      July 28, 23:09 Reply

      I say this every freaking time. Is it possible to find a stable, faithful gay relationship? Maybe in the US but in Nigeria, I am beginning to think it will be much easier to find a dinosaur than a faithful gay relationship.

  7. Legalkoboko
    July 28, 12:42 Reply

    This one is indeed a Salah special. Full of suspense.
    One story filled me with indignation.
    The next one finally brought the “aha!” moment to me. I was like “good boy! Give ’em hell Siegfried! ” .
    Funny enough, that name sounds like Hitler’s favourite madman’s noisy, and hypnotizing greeting to a crowd. sieghail!!

    Lol. Nice one.

  8. Legalkoboko
    July 28, 13:06 Reply

    Chizzie, in the first place, human beings are ORDINARILY not monogamous.
    Most sexual relationship eventually loose their fire with time. The parties in such relationships are then faced with either of two options:
    1. a decision to go their separate ways or,
    2. a decision to keep being together even when the fire of passion is long gone.

    Now, usually ,when parties in such relationships decide to stick it out, it is usually due to some social reasons. For instance, heterosexual couples don’t ordinarily go for divorce due to the many discomforts it brings.

    Since our sex lives as gay people are considered illegal and socially unacceptable, we don’t have any social reason to stick to a guy when the fire of passion is gone!

    But I think we can commit for life when we are truly in love, or when gay marriages become legal.

  9. lluvmua
    July 28, 16:04 Reply

    Hehehehehehehehehehehehe d second kito story was hilarious lmao..

  10. KingBey
    July 28, 19:36 Reply

    Errmm…story1 is not a Kito story….that’s Theft…not Kito….Story 2 sounded kinda too smooth to be true….white man…fighting a Nigerian….in Nigeria? And after the whole show..they were still together as if nothing happened ? Hmmmm…..I have dated a British man before ooooo…so I can say first-hand how oyibo behave….that episode should have ended whatever they had together…and I don’t believe a white man will fight a Nigerian in Nigeria…nah ! And to think that the guys waited for him to go..and still come back….issokay ! *returns to Tea*

  11. @Eden_nude
    July 29, 13:20 Reply

    Bia Pinky! Where’s that German? Something must have given him enough confidence to come back. As for the iPhone dudes, such happens on daily basis. As for me, fucking a stranger implies having a third eye!!!

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