WHAM! BAM! THANKS, SAH!

WHAM! BAM! THANKS, SAH!

I saw an update made by Kito Diaries on its Instagram page, and it was a post that was basically asking how gay guys can have sex without kissing.

“Y’all be fucking and don’t kiss? How the fuck y’all start sex, a handshake?” the post said.

I saw this, and it took me down memory lane, straight back to the worst sex I’d ever had.

Before I started dating the guy I’m currently with, there was a guy who I often hooked up with. Let’s call him Winston. Winston would come around to my place occasionally, and we’d have sex. He was a cool guy, who got me and my desire to stay discreet and disconnected from the gay scene in Abuja.

However, he must have mentioned me to his friends at some point, because I started getting hit up on WhatsApp by a random number, someone claiming to be friends with Winston and who kept up a banal chat of “How are you doing?” and “How is work?” that went on forever, masking his real need to hit on the guy fucking his friend.

A second one was not so restrained. After trying to get me to visit him at his place (which was somewhere Winston and I had once met to shag), using coded messages whose intent I was supposed to read from between the lines, he finally dropped the charade and dumped a nude photo on me in WhatsApp: his ass in all its naked glory.

At this point, I had to say something to Winston. He was livid. He knew the kind of person I was, and felt both betrayed by his friends and embarrassed by what he assumed was what I must now think of him. He made sure to let me know that he hadn’t permitted this; that his friends had asked him for my contact and he’d said no, letting them know that I wasn’t the kind of guy who liked to mingle. Clearly, they had gone on to help themselves to my number for his phone all the same.

Anyway, a few weeks later, I believe Winston started dating someone, and felt I should also be catered to, since he would no longer be available to hook up with me – because he buzzed me, saying that if I was interested, he could hook me up with a friend of his named Paul.

When he asked this, I said okay, agreeing to him connecting me with Paul. But after a while, after Winston had given my number to Paul and he had contacted me, I started feeling some type of way about it. I have this thing about hooking up with the friends of those I’m either sleeping with or have had sex with. Because of this, I started not feeling like I should hook up with this guy. He would text me and I would give polite responses on a good day and monosyllabic answers on a bad day. I didn’t want to be rude, but I hoped he’d catch on to my withdrawal and simply stop messaging me.

Eventually though, his persistence – and, I guess, konji wore my reservation down, and I finally agreed to meet him. I went to his place, and there was when the weirdest, most boring sex I’d ever had (if you can even call it sex) happened.

After we exchanged some pleasantries and small talk, this guy started taking off his clothes. When he was stark naked, he came over to me and started helping me out of my clothes.

This was very startling to me. I was in my mind like: Okay, this is so anti-romance. Aren’t we supposed to be taking off our clothes as we’re kissing and rubbing bodies together?

I tried to take charge, to introduce what I figured he’d forgotten, by reaching forward to kiss him. But he turned his head quickly away, and I found myself kissing his neck. He allowed that to go on for barely thirty seconds, before he pulled away his neck and slid off my body. He went to fetch a condom, returned to where I was on the bed, and unrolled the condom onto my dick, which he’d rubbed a few times into erectness. It was fortunate that my dick was able to get hard with that little effort; these days, it’d need serious sensual motivation to get its rock-hard attention.

So, I was lying on the bed, a small thing that was spread out on the floor, and he mounted my dick. He began riding it, wanking himself as he bounced. At this point, I’d figured out just what I’d gotten myself into, and so, I just laid there and let him finish. At some point, I even closed my eyes and began thinking of great sex I’d had in the past. I tend to do this when the sex I’m having is boring me. In that moment with Paul, I was probably thinking of sex with Winston.

This didn’t go on for long. A few bounces later, and Paul was done. He had come. He stood up and I lay still for a moment, thinking: So THIS just happened!

I took off the condom and proceeded to wank until I came. As I left his house though, I regretted wanking. I scolded myself over how wanking must have given Paul the impression that I had a good time. I should have simply gotten dressed and left, frustrated konji, unsatisfied dick and all.

That encounter left me feeling dazed. I’d never had such an experience before, and it bugged me that such a thing could ever happen, let alone to me. At some point, I even began to think that the guy was some sort of germophobe, and that he saw me as someone with potential diseases to inflict on him; that he was afraid he’d catch something from kissing me or from sucking my dick or basically doing anything sexual that would make him and I sweat together.

It was such a puzzling experience that when he asked for another hookup (Yup, he did!), I agreed (Yes, I did!).

I was thinking I had a part to play in how the last hookup happened. Maybe, what happened happened because I didn’t initiate anything. So, this time, I was determined to get more out of the situation than just a ride up-and-down my dick. Even if he didn’t want to make out, at least, dicks could be sucked.

I should have had another think coming.

When we got together the second time, the script was shaping up to be the same. He was still averse to kissing. After a failed attempt to claim his lips, I finally made my peace with the fact that foreplay was a no-no for him.

He still got on top of me. He still rode me. Except this time, I tried to participate more. I took some control by moving us about in different positions and actually fucking him. This went on, until we eventually came. Then we disengaged from each other, and I left, now certain that the bad sex was certainly not my fault. I was also certain that I was never going to get with him again.

He buzzed me a few times after that day, wanting us to meet again. But I was always too busy to see him. He must have gotten the message and eventually stopped chatting me up altogether.

A few years passed, and he buzzed me out of the blue on Facebook. A few pleasantries later, and he wanted to know if we could hook up. But the horror of bad sex past was still ever fresh on my mind. I told him I was dating (I was) – but even if I wasn’t, hell would have to freeze over and Alex Ekubo come out as gay on national television before I would ever agree to go drop my pants for him.

Written by Colossus

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22 Comments

  1. Ken
    March 18, 07:27 Reply

    Hahaha. Wetin Alex ekubo do u?? Lol
    Well I believe most of us have gone thru the bad sex episode and can relate. But people who refuse to kiss or engage in foreplay do that out of their own internalized homophobia. There’s this strange belief that if it’s just sex then it’s ok, as long as feelings and emotions are not involved then u aren’t gay. So they basically see u as an inanimate object just to release sexual tension.

    Either that or the guy isn’t really attracted to u but is just extremely konjified. Lol

  2. Higwe
    March 18, 07:55 Reply

    but even if I wasn’t, hell would have to freeze over and Alex Ekubo come out as gay on national television before I would ever agree to go drop my pants for him.

    ?????????

    Hahahaha hahahaha hahahaha hahahaha hahahaha hahahaha.

    It’s way too early to laugh like this .???

  3. Ebube
    March 18, 08:19 Reply

    I for one avoid kissing when I’m not into the person involved.
    Another important turn off is mouth odor of any sort.
    These 2 points have no ways around it for me.
    Sucking dick nko?, I have a thing for dark skinned guys, so being black, neat and me being into you all at the same time means I could lick you up form head to toe. Anything aside this has to be a big struggle inside my head before I even try it.
    Chemistry determines how sex is gon be for me.

    For the Alex Ekubo part, I don’t understand it, I have tired to, e no gree ???‍♂️

    • Ken
      March 18, 08:24 Reply

      So no fellatio on account of skin type?? Interesting

    • Pink Panther
      March 18, 08:27 Reply

      I don’t understand how y’all can even have sex with someone you’re not into. It’s not my refusal to kiss you that will be my indication that I’m not into you: It’s my refusal to even want to have sex with you. I guess, as a bottom, when I think about the pain of penetrative sex, I want to also have the pleasure. And what pleasure will there be if the person fucking you is someone you’re not into?

      • Higwe
        March 18, 12:38 Reply

        I don’t understand how y’all can even have sex with someone you’re not into ..

        Seriously ? ?

        Do you even live in the real world or some fantasy land?

        So you’ve been into every single person you’ve had sex with ?

        Some people have sex because they need to nut and at the point in time , anything or anyone would do .

        Some others have sex because they were paid .

        Some have sex for favours .

        Some are blackmailed and manipulated into having sex .

        There are millions of reasons why people have sex.
        You’d be surprised how very little attraction or in your words- being into has to do with it.

        • Pink Panther
          March 18, 12:54 Reply

          So you question if I live in the real world or some fantasy land for having my own thing regarding attraction and sex…

          And then go on to tell me how different people have different reasons for having sex. Apparently theirs is valid but me not being into having sex with people I’m not attracted to is me not living in the real world.

          OK sure. Got it. Such wisdom, sensei.

          • Higwe
            March 19, 00:46 Reply

            You said you don’t understand why people would have sex with people they’re not into .

            Unsurprisingly you don’t see the judgemental undertone in that statement.

            People have sex for a lot of reasons and just because you’re previleged enough to have sex with only those you fancy , doesn’t give you any right to question other people’s reasons.

            Pink Panther – I don’t understand why people have sex with people they’re not into is a very different statement from I have sex with only people I’m into .

            Don’t try to twist the narrative in your usual fashion .
            You knew what necessitated my reply .

            And keep your sarcasm , you’re not very good at it .???‍♂️

            • Pink Panther
              March 19, 02:20 Reply

              Because my sarcasm is not salted by heavy, high-sounding, oftentimes-meaningless words from the dictionary?
              Yeah, I get why it wouldn’t seem very good to you.
              Boy bye.

              • Mitch
                March 19, 14:01 Reply

                Ice Ice baby!

                This one isn’t worth it. Now’s the time to take your own advice: IGNORE!!!

                Alright, boo? ???

  4. Mitch
    March 18, 09:43 Reply

    Colossus!!!
    Wayayu laidis? ?????
    Everything must turn to joke where you is.

    Beht, you really tried.
    Bad sex and you’re asking for another hookup? Amadioha rachakwa gi onu dia. Beyoncé didn’t give us Homecoming and Lemonade for me to put myself through hellish sex. Mbanu!

  5. Bells
    March 18, 11:09 Reply

    Bad sex is bad sex period!!!! If I can’t kiss u bcos am not into u then no sex as well. If there’s to be sex then it has to be really Good. So I don’t think he’s not into bcos if he isn’t you, he won’t ask for another hook up after the first

  6. Dee
    March 18, 12:25 Reply

    But people who refuse to kiss or engage in foreplay do that out of their own internalized homophobia.

    This statement is not accurate.

    I have had many hook ups .. there are those I’ll kiss without even thinking.. but when you meet someone..you can easily tell its a “get sucked and fuck” situation.
    I have the same approach to rimming…you can tell the cleaniness from just seeing the person (this is not always accurate)

    @PINKY: I don’t understand how y’all can even have sex with someone you’re not into. (I totally understand this… people are wired differently….. ive had hookups where i fucked cos konji no go make man rest….and after i was done..i blocked off the person ….its weird but we’re all unique like that…)

    Overall: its possible its homophobia, but in my case…. ive had hook ups that kissing happened and the sex was still bad anyways lol… (well the kiss started out so bad) and Ive had hookups with boys that are out and ive been on this scene for long and still didnt kiss because kissing wasnt just part of what they were looking for at the time…

  7. Bliss
    March 18, 14:29 Reply

    I have been with a guy who doesn’t kiss at all.. But trust me the thrusting and body clinging was Hot. I was the one bottoming, and sometimes i would almost reach orgasm without being touched.

  8. Bini Boy
    March 18, 14:35 Reply

    I just can’t see myself having sex without kissing.
    Kissing is like the driving force/propellant for me.

  9. Sky
    March 18, 17:43 Reply

    Hmmm
    I thought I was the only one that experienced this no kissing stuff. The first sex I had was without kissing and it was bad as hell(even the thrusting) that I regretted ever having sex that day.
    I began to wonder if it was actually the Christain version of gay sex I just had

  10. Omo Ochún
    March 18, 18:51 Reply

    I’m not into penetrative sex so kissing is a vital part of the deal. However, I don’t kiss in every case as I’m also averse to mouth odour.

    But sometime in January, I met this dude — my type of dude (light skinned, tall and beefy) — I’m dark skinned and more attracted to light-skinned/brown versions of myself. While we were heating things up, I wanted to kiss him and the way he quickly turned his face away was as if I had a forked tongue slithering out of my lips.

    He said he doesn’t kiss guys he’s not “emotionally bonded with.” Sorry what? That statement pissed me off. I then remembered he told me during our chat how he hated (and regretted) ever bottoming for a guy and the alarm ticked off in my head: “Internalized Homophobia.”

    My desires waned right there. No need been around self-loathing damaged souls who still beat themselves over the head for kissing another dude. Quickly showed him the door. Literally and metaphorically.

    Then brought in a nice boy the following week and it was a festival of cum.

  11. Jinchuriki
    March 24, 18:18 Reply

    ROTFL WOW. Let’s never have this episode again.

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