When They Say No

When They Say No

At a very young age, I discovered myself. I realized who I was, everything about who that person is, and accepted it. I knew I was an individual who would be unique.

Growing up however, I suffered the onslaught of one thing: rejection. I am a light-skinned boy – slender and fair in complexion. When I was younger and exploring the community, meeting people was quite hard because I kept getting swerved with excuses that seemed very silly to me.

“You’re too skinny…”

“You’re too light-skinned…”

“You’re too hairy…”

“You look like a hoe…”

“I don’t think I’m the one you’re looking for…”

I was judged swiftly based on my appearance and slapped with a rejection with the quickness of a bank turning down a candidate they’ve just discovered is HIV Positive.

The rejection stung. And I often thought about how to handle it. There was a time I thought about going dark-skinned and getting buff. I took long walks under the sun, hoping for a tan. Then I hit the gym so I could work some muscles into my slender frame.

But however much I tried, I stayed light and skinny.

Then I became an adult, and I realised that rejection is very subjective. There are many reasons why people reject others, and it isn’t always about the person getting rejected. It doesn’t have to be a reflection on the person getting rejected, but rather the insecurity of the person rejecting him. One time, someone cut me off because he felt I was too good for him. He said, “You have everything going on well for you.” And I thought sardonically to myself: Can anyone really have everything going well for him? Or is this about you and your feelings of inadequacy?

The aim of this writeup is really not to offer up some sage advice on how to handle rejection. I’m just here writing my thoughts out. And to learn from you guys, to get us to learn from each other.

What are your thoughts on rejection? And how do you deal with it?

Written by JT

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  1. trystham
    November 05, 05:25 Reply

    It rankles at first, hurts for a bit, ignored after with plans for revenge if u r constantly around me

  2. Jay Armstrong
    November 05, 07:57 Reply

    ? ? ? “light and fair skinned” where have I heard this excuse before? Oh yeah… They’ve used those for me before?

    The funny thing is that these days, that seems to now be my selling point. Just a few weeks ago, I travelled to another state and the boys were toppling over themselves for me, a tall light skinned boy with no sense of fashion (the shy ones who couldn’t shoot their shots are now lurking in my inbox. Apparently they got my contact from friends). That’s not the good part.

    There’s this dude who lives around my area {now a heads up, I’m a bit of an elitist now. I’ve been informed that I let people who aren’t worth my attention walk over me. Story for another year}. Now, this dude, I was constantly stalking on grindr and hitting up on Facebook, trying to get his attention but wouldn’t even look in my direction is chatting me up on the dailies trying to find out where I am and if we hook up. #testimony he’s not the only one o. He’s one of many.

    Well, lately I’ve come to realise that my crush on people dwindles. So the more rejection the better, I refuse to be bothered. Although too many rejection could make one start to feel like something is wrong with one. There are many facets to this matter. It sure hurts when they say no.

  3. Keredim
    November 05, 09:42 Reply

    There are many reasons why people reject others, and it isn’t always about the person getting rejected. It doesn’t have to be a reflection on the person getting rejected, but rather the insecurity of the person rejecting him

    Chei!!So my rejection of flat arsed suitors all these years, maybe down to some insecurity I maybe habouring?! ?

    Is there any (preferably bubble butt) therapist in the house? I need to book a session

  4. Canis VY Majoris
    November 05, 13:46 Reply

    Rejection is alien to me…so idk what to say besides the words of Vanessa Ives.

    “To get what you want, you must risk rejection.”

  5. Patrick
    November 05, 14:15 Reply

    I thought light-skin and a slim stature were desirable qualities in our community.
    I actually still do.
    I guess the people JT has met are not a representative sample of Nigerian gay men or their preferences.

    • J
      November 05, 15:25 Reply

      Not the kind of slim when there are only veins to behold. There’s this skinny banker in Benin that acts as if there are dicks all over his body, dude is so rude and very arrogant! His kind of skinny doesn’t turn me on.

  6. J
    November 05, 15:57 Reply

    For someone to reject you, it means you’re not up their expectation or taste. Most people are superficial and can reject you instantly if you don’t fall into their idea of “perfection”. It’s a normal thing, but it hurts if you’re being rejected out rightly or in an embarrassing/awkward manner.

    When someone rejects me, I will say oh maybe he’s not attracted me and I’ll get over him with time especially if I like the person… But if I was just being nice to him by cooperating(I’m an empath and I can be nice to anyone that feels attracted to me in anyway especially when they’re respectful), then I’ll ignore him like a bad habit. Because hey I know myself, I’m not bad looking, I care about my personal hygiene, my back and front are in shape and the brain cells in my cranium are functional.

    So when you know yourself and love yourself, you can not be intimidated by anyone! Best believe he’s not the one for you that’s if you wanted something real with him. But for all hookups, all I can say is SERVES YOU RIGHT!??

    • Delle
      November 05, 18:58 Reply

      After writing such a good epistle, you now capped it off with a slut-shaming line.


  7. Francis
    November 06, 13:53 Reply

    I’ve only been rejected once and I thank God I was rejected sef cause it was very silly stupid move on my part.

    I do agree with the writer that sometimes it’s not about the person being rejected but the insecurities of the person doing the rejecting. Not everytime snobbish/feeling yourself. Sometime you’re just insecure ?‍♂️?‍♂️

  8. Law9
    November 06, 15:52 Reply

    Nice writer up’ i do reject fat guys but not in away it wil hurt that person it happens to me too lean to move on with ur life.

  9. Zedan
    October 14, 17:50 Reply

    Growing up in a very verbal abusive environment. I was given all kinds of names. At a point , 12yrs old 2 be precise I became suicidal. But today I have come pass those and living my life to the full . the irony is DT I HV grown into an ” I no send u kind of guy”

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