With A Woman In The Equation

With A Woman In The Equation

Question for the guys: Have you ever had an intense crush on a girl?

Well, I did.

I wonder if my personal experience growing up as a gay man is similar to most people’s here.

I don’t consider myself as bisexual since I’m not sexually attracted to women at all (can’t even get a 0.5 degree erection for them), but I do find myself doing a double take when a really hot chica walks by.

There was this lady whom I crushed on for almost four years when I was still an undergraduate (I was in a relationship with an older guy then and he was extremely jealous of her. Apparently he had completely forgotten about his betrothal to another woman at some point in his life). My heterosexual flat-mates got wind of this crush and they teased me endlessly, especially on nights when she slept over.

I went as far as serenading her at an award ceremony. “I’ll forever be chasing after you…” was and still is my favourite line from that song. Gawd, she was and is still so HOT! Burnt me at about 9770 degrees!

I would think of her first thing when I jumped up from my bed and before going to bed at night. When some other guy was interested in her, I was incredulously jealous and would quietly hate on him. When she was interested in some other guy, it felt like someone stabbed me in the heart and I just wanted to die. Seeing her and being able to talk to her were one of the major reasons why I wanted to go to school/church, and when she was absent, it felt like something was missing that day.

I was a mess!

I practically harassed my mother to just say “hello” whenever I called her (this was before I came out to her of course).

Plus our birthdays are a week apart. There’s was one year I cooked the birthday meal for her guests. I worked like I was hired to do the cooking and cake baking, tirelessly and with dedication.

I would walk her home from church after mid-week/Sunday service. And it was a long walk, believe me.

Paint her nails for her.

Watch her sleep.

Take pictures of her while she slept.

Watch her wake up.

Plait her hair, however terribly I did them.

Help her pick her dress and always made sure they matched mine.

Kai! The thing hook me!

I saw her as someone I could give my last name. (Her yards of wife material long ehn) And interestingly, she reciprocated these actions till she found out she is two years older.

And no, I wasn’t denying my sexuality.

To make it more confusing for me, I would only jerk off to guys instead of this babe… But, I never had any crushes on guys growing up. It wasn’t until maybe 14 or 16 that I started having feelings for guys. My shrink couldn’t give me a best psychological explanation to this “phenomenon”.

Any other gay man go through this? Or do most gay men never have crushes on girls while growing up?

Am I weird for actually liking a female even though I am and was never (maybe I was sha) sexually attracted to her in the first place?

Was it even right to begin with?

Written by Vhar

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I knew, from a very young age, that I was different from other boys around me. The evidence was all around me, from the fact that I didn’t like sports


  1. ken
    September 20, 06:17 Reply

    Everything am reading just screams:



  2. Francis
    September 20, 06:35 Reply

    Been there before. I was literally obsessed with her and even the whole school knew then but time and distance changed everything. 7 years outside Naija and she was always on my mind even though we lost contact. Came back to Naija and hustled to reconnect and when I finally found her on Facebook, she wasn’t responsive at all. Hurt for a while but I finally moved on.

      • Francis
        September 20, 06:43 Reply

        ? I’ve always been into boys since I can remember. This wasn’t a sexual crush/obsession.

    • Mandy
      September 20, 07:11 Reply

      I don’t understand this.

  3. Silver Cat
    September 20, 06:57 Reply

    I actually fell in love (yeah U read that right) and dated a girl for 2yrs. It was magical and all though I could never bring myself to sleep with her, we got to 2nd and 3rd bases severally. We broke up and got back together severally but I always felt guilty because I knew I was gay. I contemplated telling her to let her know that the break-ups weren’t her fault but…
    I still love her though.

    • Mandy
      September 20, 07:11 Reply

      I don’t understand this either.

  4. Mandy
    September 20, 07:12 Reply

    I don’t understand any of this! 🙁 :'(

  5. Absalom
    September 20, 07:24 Reply

    Nope, you are not weird. These days many people place a distinction between romantic attraction and sexual attraction.

    For example: many asexual persons experience romantic feelings towards people i.e. they would love to be in a relationship with the person BUT they have no desire to have sex with that person.

    Input the values of your gayness into the above formula and it makes sense: you like her, want to hold her hand, are jealous of rivals…but have no erection around her and jerk off only to boys.

    Not weird at all.

    If symptoms persist, then the diagnosis would likely be: ‘Homosexual with heteroromantic attractions. No need for medication. Just drink water.’

    • Pink Panther
      September 20, 07:26 Reply

      The perspective you’ve put it, Absalom, has suddenly illuminated me, aswear. Because now I can relate to Vhar with a couple of experiences I’ve had in the past.

    • Ola
      November 04, 18:34 Reply

      Apt diagnosis! Me likey

  6. Dennis Macaulay
    September 20, 08:03 Reply

    There is nothing wrong with you, it is PERFECTLY NORMAL to like women, to want to shag them, to want to date them.

    Take it from a brother who knows! It is okay!

        • Max
          September 20, 09:09 Reply

          You’re bihoesxual. Yeah I just invented that.

          • Pink Panther
            September 20, 09:13 Reply

            Quick! Notify Oxford. This has to make it into the next quota of new word inventions.

          • Max
            September 20, 09:19 Reply

            Yeah.. Will tell them to add it right away.
            Bi-hoe-sexual.: A hoe(especially a male) who sleeps with both sexes for sport while identifying as gay.

  7. james bruno
    September 20, 08:13 Reply

    i used to crush on girls as a kid but it stopped once i hit puberty. can’t explain it. haven’t tried to.

  8. Khaleesi
    September 20, 08:15 Reply

    ***scrunches up face and eyes and looks at DM one kain*** biko the ‘Shag’ component of your comment is weird – ugh! A long time ago in another life, i sorta kinda crushed on a girl, but looking back now i cant really say if i was merely caving in to teenage peer pressure like everyone else and grabbing a chick or if i genuinely wanted to be with her; cos even then i never felt any real urge to have anything sexual with her. This is sha weird by many degrees; hopefully the in-house shrinks can unravel it all for us. ..

      • Django
        September 20, 08:28 Reply

        Tell them jare…

        *runs away with him to find the boobs and wet pussy*

        • Max
          September 20, 09:22 Reply

          Maybe ya’ll can have a threesome, you (DM) , Django and the other girl. Maybe Django can take you from the back with a strap on dick..your own man pussy is wet afterall☺☺

  9. papasmurf
    September 20, 08:15 Reply

    My dear, I can totally relate to this! I’ve been in love with this babe for wat seem like 4eva(na frm secondary school oo… SS1 to be exact). Evrybody knew. If she sick…JESU!! E be like dem multiply am 4 my head. But then LIFE haappened, she moved to south africa with her family, the to the USA. It wasn’t until recently I got my head out of my arse (cos its not a hat) and moved on… Plenty fish dey hia abeg!!!

  10. Django
    September 20, 08:23 Reply

    I don’t know if this happens to other girls cos I don’t want to hold hands with any guy, spend time with him or spend a moment with anybody I don’t like. The only reason I visit some guys around here is to see the beautiful girls that always visit them cos girls have this thing for doctors; I get to feed my eyes, that’s all.

    Back to topic, even after Absalom’s explanation, I still don’t get it, even tried putting myself in the asexual or gay man’s position… *I ran out of the imagination cos I realised I was already grimacing at the thought of crushing on a guy*

    I wish there were more gay or bisexual females around here, I need another POV.

  11. Max
    September 20, 09:16 Reply

    Been there done that. I crushed on a girl too. In secondary school. Heart skipping a bit when you see her, flustered face, sweaty palms, jealousy etc. But it wasn’t sexual. Maybe I’ll write about it one day. I later knew why I felt that way.

    Growing up, we r told that we r supposed to like girls, so our mind unconsciously seeks for a female figure of obsession to fulfill our pre-taught need for women.
    Note: I’ve always been attracted to boys before then and I started touching dick way before then. So mr Vhar, you’re perfectly normal.
    If it makes you feel better, I watched straight porn few weeks ago and I enjoyed it, for the first time.. And it wasn’t because of the male figure.
    Note: I still find pussy disgusting and have no plans of seeking out one anytime soon.
    These things happen..

    • Dennis Macaulay
      September 20, 09:31 Reply

      I only watch straight porn darling! Black disk hammering white dripping pussy!

      That gets me every time

    • Francis
      September 20, 09:40 Reply

      *Trying to understand watching straight porn and focusing on things other than the male*

  12. Ace
    September 20, 09:18 Reply

    My attraction to girls never goes beyond beauty, talent, dress sense or creativity. Anything but sensual. I still don’t understand that wavy, pink scatter-scatter layer called pussy.

    OAN: I am changing my sobriquet to Duke. Starting tomorrow.

  13. sensei
    September 20, 09:33 Reply

    An interesting phenomenon. I have a question for you guyz who have experienced this.
    Have you ever been physically intimate with the girl in question?

    If yes, please i’d like to know if your experienced a physical response or not.

  14. Jamie
    September 20, 09:42 Reply

    You know there’s a difference between a hot, pretty and beautiful girl right? Well, some beautiful girls get me so attracted!! And when I say some, I mean all through my life, I’ve had just five of them…
    I whore over the perfect nose, eyes, lips, slim waist, perfect curves, beautiful legs, voice, smartness…and it never dies out no matter how long it takes (I meant the love…).
    There’s one in my department who another guy has started dating; I wasn’t fast enough. It happens I crushed on the guy for some months and right now, the love for the girl makes me so friendly and willing to do anything for her, while I have to hide my anger at her boyfriend for taking my medal. If I ever make the mistake of thinking about sex after marriage with her, sorry but, I try to puke!! And when I think of fellation with anyone…I actually get sick!!
    I had every urge to ask her out at a time cos I know she has always been attracted to me, waiting for me to ask- the traditional way- but I couldn’t. My conscience wouldn’t allow me @all… I cannot stand her presence around me too much…that much!! I can stand a whining boyfriend for a week, but a girlfriend who annoys me will get my dark side soon enough and how long it’s gonna take me to calm down and return back to the darling I was when I asked you out depends… I cannot hurt my friend, so we should be friends till I…if I do, change. That’s why I know that I am gay, not bisexual… For any of those girls, I can spend even a year to read a ”How To Grow Sexual Feelings for A Woman; For The Gay Man” book dutifully…while for my male lover, I’d be more glad to live in a free world and let them (the girls) know we’re just friends, and that I’m GAY!!!

    • sensei
      September 20, 09:56 Reply

      This whole thing is very interesting. Haha!
      DM, no confuse too much you hear?

  15. sensei
    September 20, 09:52 Reply

    By the way I’m doing research on it and what I’m finding is very illuminating. Haha! Controversy on this sex matter no go ever end. First we had sexual orientation, now there is romantic orientation. Lol!

    • Andrevn
      September 20, 11:24 Reply

      Adol is on the roll

      Can’t wait for our session later today *wipes the marker board dutifully and arranges notepad and pen on the table*
      Chai! Braingasm …..LOADING!

      Vhar, it is normal to crush on a girl. I have felt like you did and you would not believe who it was, but then the complexities of nature are just so marvelling that it can’t be termed otherwise other than normal and beautiful.

      *I just got the links to Romantic Orientation 101 people* Yay!. Its ‘jacking’ time.

  16. Rev; Hot
    September 20, 12:06 Reply

    I wish there was a warning before reading this – like DO NOT read this while listening to an Ed Sheeran song…

    I almost cried!!!

    eeeeeniwaaaay, VHAR – I’ve been there…. iand ts really confusing….

  17. Chizzie
    September 20, 13:00 Reply

    Its one thing for you to ‘like’ someone or admire them and another thing entirely to be sexually attracted to them. What you described was fondness and admiration for a person who just happened to be the opposite sex. I could be particularly fond of my pet dog and think of it first thing in the morning but I sure as hell won’t find it sexually attractive, same applies to inanimate objects too, like say my phone. Its just a natural human trait for us to be greatly fond of /deeply like someone or something at some point

    Truely bisexual guys can sustain an erection with a guy and with a female. That should be the rule of thumb to determine if one is bisexual or not.

    From all indications, you’re still as gay as the sky is blue.

  18. ronniephoenix
    September 20, 15:59 Reply

    *long sigh* hmmmmmmmmmmmm
    *clears throat* hmmmmmmmmmm

    Okay, if that is weird, explain how I am attracted to guys, girls and everything in between. I have to be in a female body to have anything to do with a girl.
    I crush on girls like crazy, but I just have to be female for anything to happen.
    At the same time I am the most asexual human being you would ever find.

    Now do you understand? No? No?, well neither do I.

  19. Slim Emmanuel
    September 20, 17:09 Reply

    Very Very relatable. Yours was even paying attention to you sef. Mine wasn’t. Which made it more exciting for me. I like aloof women. When you’re gay, girls feel really comfortable with you and don’t do all those shakara for you because they instantly get the vibe that you don’t want anything from them.. So when I found I girl who I liked but didn’t really reciprocate.. the whole thing was thrilling for me. It’s been 5 years tho.. can anybody crush on anybody for that long? Lol

  20. Silver Cat
    September 20, 19:37 Reply

    To all those curious as to whether the attraction was purely romantic or a tad sexual, mine was very very sexual. Erections coming up whenever we were together in private. I however had to restrain myself from going all the way for both our sakes.
    Nope, I’m not Bisexual, I’m as gay as they come. And I’ve only felt that way for only just that girl.

  21. DeadlyDarius
    September 23, 22:18 Reply

    Never had a crush on a girl….this is all fascinating

    *taking notes while feeding my eyes like a tourist seeing the Grand Canyon for the first time*

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