After more than five years of taking in the stories of victimized members of the online gay dating community, of being frustrated by the mistakes and encouraged by the miracles, of being a part of this community myself, I have come up with a list of ways we can adopt to keep us secure from the hands of those who would cause us harm – or at the very least, minimize the fatality you expose yourself to in the event of a kito.
None of these cautionary steps is my any means foolproof and an instant insurance against any possibility of you getting kitoed, as I believe that one’s safety from these criminals is guaranteed by a mixture of his common sense, quick thinking, sense of awareness – and luck. But the more you adhere to these, the greater the chances of you staying safe out there in these streets.
So, check on it.
1. AFTER BADOO OR GRINDR, ESTABLISH A SOCIAL MEDIA CONNECTION
Everyone is on some sort of social media platform these days – especially those who are active on online dating sites. Especially!!!
And so, the usefulness of a social media connection is for you to verify the identity of the person you intend to hook up with through the strength of his online activity, the number and identities of the mutual friends he shares with you, and just a general awareness of the kind of person he presents himself to be online.
So, in light of this, I will never understand those who get chatting with someone on Grindr or Badoo, and then maybe move to WhatsApp for a few more conversations – and the next thing is to go hook up with the person.
And apparently, from the many messages I get in my DM, this is a very common occurrence. There are many times I have to ask those who reach out to me with photos of guys they’re thinking of going to see: “So, what’s his name on Facebook?” And they’ll reply with: “I haven’t asked him.”
Please, my dear fellow gays, when you are getting to know someone from Grindr or Badoo (or really any other dating medium), always, ALWAYS, insist on knowing about his social media presence. Facebook and Instagram are most preferable.
Now, whether these are valid or prevarications, you’ll always get the person who will respond with “I’m not on social media” or “I am discrete. I can’t show you my Facebook profile until I know you better.”
Your response to both scenarios should always be the same: “Then I’m sorry, but I can’t meet you.”
Listen please: No hookup is a do-or-die affair. Many of the disasters these online hookups turn out to be happen because the victim got desperate (read konjified) and couldn’t possibly imagine not getting some of that dick/ass.
So, let me repeat myself: NO HOOKUP IS A DO-OR-DIE AFFAIR! If you don’t shag the fine boy you’ve seen in that picture that he sent to you, you will live to shag some other person.
Learn to say “No” or “Fuck off”. If he won’t commit to you two getting acquainted on the social media, tell him to fuck off. If he says he doesn’t do social media, tell him to fuck off. If he says he’s too discrete to allow you into his social media space – but still wants you to trust him – ESPECIALLY NOW is when you tell him to fuck off. Because, in the Nigerian gay clime, anyone who is gay and is into the hookup scene should understand the need for safety and not try to make someone he wants to hook up with do something he himself would not be comfortable doing. If you are so discrete and cannot let a potential hookup have access to your social media space, then have the decency to NOT pressure him to step away from his own comfort zone to meet you based simply on your word that you are genuine.
And if you’re the guy who a potential hookup is denying the social media acquaintance, like I said before: shut it down and move on. He may be genuine or he may be kito – but no online hookup should ever put you in a position to risk your safety without any real reason for you to.
If you don’t shag him, you’ll live to shag someone else.
2. VIDEO CALLS ARE A MUST
This is for those who move on from Grindr or Badoo to WhatsApp or any other platform where the video call feature is enabled. I have come across messages where the KDian said “When I video-called him, his side was dark and I couldn’t see him very clearly” OR “It seemed as though he deactivated his video because I couldn’t see him. He later told me his video camera was bad.”
THIS. IS. UNACCEPTABLE!!!
The whole point of a video call is so that you can confirm that the picture he sent you is the actual person on the other end of the conversation. So, spoiled video cameras and shadowy video call receptions are just NOT acceptable.
Do not be seduced by the fact that “after all, I agreed to a video call, it’s just that there’s no light in my room, that’s why you can’t see me.”
Repeat that call in daytime.
Or “Babe, it’s my phone camera. It’s bad, that’s why you can’t see me.”
Let him fix his camera before deciding to chase male pussy on Grindr.
Now, I’m aware that there are kitoers who are exactly the same person in the pictures they send to you, and that a video call doesn’t automatically mean that guy on the other end is not a bad guy. But, like I said, this guide is not a foolproof plan: these are just the things we should adhere to, to better your chances of not getting kitoed. With a video call, you are not only confirming that picture’s validity, but also reading clues from where he is and the things that he’s saying to you and his mannerisms. You are picking on the things from his end that will convince you of either his trustworthiness or his dishonesty.
So yes, video calls are important. If you don’t have a phone that enables a video call or he’s not letting that happen, rethink that hookup and sit your ass down at home.
Because if you don’t shag him, you will live to shag someone else.
3. NEVER BE IN A HURRY TO GET WITH HIM
Several nights ago, while on Grindr, I got a message from someone who wanted me to come over to his place at once. This was right after he said hello and I said hi, and he asked if I wanted to fuck, and I said, “That depends.” The time was 10 PM.
A KDian messaged me about a guy who wanted him to leave his house around 11 PM to come over to his place which was “not that far”, encouraging him to get a uber, that he would pay for it.
Another guy told me of how he had to decline the offer of an online hookup who wanted to start coming over to his place at about 11:30 PM. According to him, he felt uncomfortable with getting down with anyone who would be that reckless.
As he should be. Because guys like this, online hookups who would drop everything and rush over to your place at the very oddest hours of the night, are VERY LIKELY the ones who will wake up really early the next morning and disappear with your valuables, or will wake up along with you the next day with an attitude that says: “Settle me or I’ll shout for your neighbours to know what we did last night.”
These are the guys who live their lives like they have nothing to lose. That is why, in spite of all the potential risks involved, he is willing to come over to yours at a late hour.
And then, for those who expect you to come over to their place at really late hours – well, yes, it’s exciting. The thrill of a sudden, unexpected night romp. I should know, I’ve written about one such experience I nearly had of it.
But please, understand that this is a mistake. Yes, the guy may really be legitimate, just some horny guy who logged onto Grindr late and desperate for a fuck because the booty call he was expecting earlier flaked on him.
Or he may be kito.
Do you really want to take that chance?
If you don’t shag him that night, you’ll live to shag someone else.
4. THERE ARE PLACES YOU JUST SHOULD NEVER GO TO MEET A HOOKUP
I feel like I should repeat these two places. IYANA OBA. IYANA SCHOOL. Many are the afflictions of the Lagos gays who went to Iyana School to meet with a hookup. I don’t care if a guy checked out in your social media investigations. I don’t care if the video call worked out okay. I don’t care if you’ve been chatting with him for weeks and he didn’t rush you.
Basically, what I’m saying is: he may have checked right in all the boxes of the three former guides you’ve read. But if he says you should come and see him anywhere around Iyana Oba, Ikotun-Idimu, Okokomaiko, if he mentions anything that has to do with stopping at the junction called Iyana School, SHUT THAT HOOKUP DOWN with the swiftness and keep it stepping.
Yes, there are of course legitimate gay men who live in these areas, and I have gotten a slew of messages from such guys lamenting over the unfairness of Kito Diaries ruining things for them by frequently denouncing their areas as kito zones.
To the Lagos gays who live in these areas, I have this to say: It is unfortunate, but you are collateral damage. My responsibility is to the safety of our community in general, not to the servicing of the konji of a few. If you want a hookup, perhaps take away the option of expecting anyone to come see you, and go see them instead.
I know that there are danger zones in other municipalities in Nigeria. I hear World Bank, MCC Road and Orji are those for Owerri. I know the gay communities in Aba, Enugu and Port Harcourt also have their kito zones identified. Whatever these areas are, let the option of going there to get with a hookup be the very last thing you consider.
Because if you don’t shag him, you’ll live to shag someone else.
5. NEVER IGNORE YOUR GUT FEELING
A great percentage of kito victims will tell you that something felt not-right about the hookup they set out for that eventually turned out to be a nightmare. When something imminent and bad is waiting to happen to you, there’s always the chance that your gut will alert you to this danger. Whether it manifests itself to you in the form of a persistent uneasiness you can’t explain or an odd sequence of events, DO NOT IGNORE IT!
You’ll hear kito victims recount how a friend was persistently and out-of-the-blue calling them just as they were about to set out for the hookup, wanting to see them. And after that, the rains started falling, or the tyre of the bus they were in got busted, or traffic was unusually hectic, or getting the bus going your way was unusually tedious. Any of the random things that could easily mean nothing.
When these unusual delays manifest themselves as though they are trying to deter your intention to go get that dick, maybe take a deep breath and allow yourself to be delayed.
You’ll hear those who’ll talk about how the guy was acting in ways that made them doubtful, but because he had an explanation for every discrepancy, they ignored those doubts and went on for the hookup.
When you can no longer fully trust the hookup you’re going out for, maybe it’s a sign that you should sit your ass back down in your house.
And when you get these doubts, when after telling him you’ll come to see him, you suddenly get nervous, let him know and observe his reaction to your bad news. A legitimate hookup will most likely understand your fear and however disappointed he may be, will either graciously acquiesce to another meet on a later date or simply shut it down and move on.
A kito guy will most likely try to pressure you to ignore the things you’re feeling and come along, with repeated assurances that he is genuine. He may even add a seductive manipulation of reminding you how much he wants to fuck you.
No matter how far you’ve committed to meeting an online hookup, the moment you start getting uncomfortable with the situation, remove yourself from it and get back to the safety of your own home. EVEN WHEN YOU HAVE GOTTEN TO THE MEETING POINT!!! Do not say: “Well, I’ve already come all this way. I might as well meet him.” In that moment, the only thing you’ve lost is your time. If he turns out to be kito, you will lose a lot more than that.
If you don’t shag him, you will live to shag someone else.
6. ALWAYS RUN A KITO ALERT CHECK ON KITO DIARIES
Some of the people I’ll never understand are those who know about Kito Diaries, about the services it offers, about the safety precautions it preaches – and would still go on to meet a hookup without sparing the time to check if, out of the 50-or-so number of kito alerts posted, the person they’re going to see is on the list or not.
I also will never understand those who have friends and won’t hit them up to show them pictures of the guy they’re thinking of hooking up with, just to know if those friends have encountered them personally or through their knowledge of Kito Diaries’ kito archives. Sometime in 2013, before Kito Diaries, it was the timely presentation of the picture of the guy I was already at the scheduled junction to see, to the friend I was chatting with while I was on my way to the hookup, that saved my ass. My friend saw the picture, screamed for me to get the heck out of there because he had been kitoed by the guy – and I quickly turned and fled. Funny thing: the guy was already approaching me when I scampered off. And as I fled, I went to Blackberry Messenger (where we’d been chatting) to cuss him out, only to find that he had already raptured himself from my contact list. A confirmation of his deviousness, if ever I saw one.
A few days ago, someone sent me a message on Instagram to submit the photos of the guy who’d kitoed him – and this guy had already been exposed before! All this KDian had to do when he was getting acquainted with this potential hookup was to hit the Instagram search button on the words “kito alert”. The hashtag will produce every kito alert ever posted like so:
Or you come over here to the blog and conduct the same search.
This exercise won’t take more than a few minutes from your life. When the information is right there, why aren’t we making use of it? You cannot put a price on your security. And if taking a beat to comb through the alert archives of Kito Diaries will delay you shagging him, then you will live to shag someone else.
7. DO NOT THINK YOU ARE SPECIAL
Some people, unbelievable as it may sound, may get the very strong feeling that the guy they’re chatting with is not right. They may even see the obvious signs of his illegitimacy.
And yet, they’d plod along, onward to meet the hookup because of some determined sense of optimism that they couldn’t possibly be kitoed.
This sort of naivete is frankly very stupid. Nobody is above getting dealt a shitty hand by life. If religious people are to be believed, even God is not on our side. So, you can’t even count on His angels protecting you from harm.
So, NO. Your own case is not different. If he presents with those doubts, do not dismiss them simply because you cannot imagine a reality where you’re a victim of such a thing. Always, ALWAYS, understand that as long as you’re out there, looking to get laid, someone is out there looking to get paid by victimizing you.
8. GO FOR A FIRST-TIME HOOKUP WITH THE BAREST ESSENTIALS
In a conversation with the guy who escaped this kito experience, I was struck by the simple ingenuity of something he said he did: he left his smartphone at home and took a Nokia torch out for the hookup.
This is wisdom.
I always recoil with horror whenever I read kito stories where the victims were robbed of expensive phones, watches, iPads, the hefty cash in their wallets and ATM cards used to drain their bank accounts. And I just want to ask why. Why? Why would you take this much valuables along with you to the unknown? Just why?
A KDian has even talked about how when he complained to the hookup he was about to see that the battery of his iPhone was dying, and that was the reason he couldn’t risk coming out to see him, the hookup encouraged him to come still with his phone, that he had an iPhone charger. And of course, this very caring hookup turned out to be a kitoer who dispossessed him of the iPhone.
I remember when I was about to go out on a hookup months ago. This was a guy who had checked out on ever level (because, of course, if I had even a smidgen of doubt, I would not have gone anywhere to meet him). And still, I felt some type of way about going to see him with too much on me. I was actually on my way home from a meeting when he called, wanting us to meet. I had my laptop with me. But instead of branching off to see him, I still went all the way home, just so I could divest myself of my laptop, my smartphone and my ATM cards. My wallet had in it just a little above the amount I would need for my fare to and from his place, and my ID card. And the phone I left for his place with was my Techno T312.
Minimalize, as much as you can, the potential impact of a kito on you by going for these hookups with the much you can afford to lose. If there are no ATM cards with you, then they cannot wipe out your accounts. If your smartphone is not with you, then you still have something of value to return home to.
A kito victim once told me that his “ashawo phone” (as he calls the Nokia phone he goes on hookups with) does not have the numbers of any of his family members stored in it. And so, when he was caught in a kito situation, he was able to sell to his captors the story of how he was an orphan who had come to Lagos to hustle for a living. There were no “Mummy”, “Daddy”, “Sister”, “Brother”, “Uncle this” and “Aunty that” contacts in his phone for them to use as leverage against him. And so, after roughing him up a bit, they let him go.
That was genius. He minimalized the impact of the kito on his wellbeing by endeavoring to go out on his hookups with the barest essentials.
In fact, anyone who is active on the online dating scene should never have his parents’ numbers saved on their phones as “Mom” and “Dad”. Especially if you don’t want those contacts to be leveraged against you. (And this isn’t just about kito scum; it applies for cases of police harassment as well. My own parents’ numbers are saved on my phones as Mister and Missis their-surnames.)
You don’t have to impress anyone, especially on a first-time hookup. So, those fine rings and expensive watches you own do not have to adorn your hands when you’re going out to shag someone. You don’t have to go with your Samsung phone. And you definitely SHOULD NOT go out there with your ATM cards, especially if you have a fully charged bank account. It’s just a hookup, not Lagos Fashion Week. Go there, fuck him, and get out. And if you guys graduate to more hookups, then you can start meeting him with all your swagger.
9. NEVER LET YOUR GUARD DOWN WITH A HOOKUP WHOSE SURNAME YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW
This applies mostly to those who entertain hookups in their homes. As long as the guy who you’ve asked over to your house is someone who is essentially a stranger to you, do not ever let your guard down.
Stay very observant of every move he makes while he’s in your house.
If he has to make a phone call away from you, eavesdrop the conversation.
Once he’s inside your house, lock your door with a key that you shouldn’t leave in the keyhole. (This will help curb the possibility of him letting any of his cohorts into the house to overpower you in a situation of stealing your things.)
If it’s going to be an overnight shag, and you know you’re a heavy sleeper, make sure that key is kept in a place only you are aware of.
A friend once told me about how a guy who came over to his house wanted something to eat. My friend didn’t have anything cooked in his kitchen, and could just easily skip out to a very nearby restaurant to buy food for his guest. He wasn’t however about to make that trip on his own; both of them stepped out to go get the food. So, yes, be minimal with how much time you leave him alone in your house.
In fact, if the hookup is someone whose intent it is to steal away with your things, it helps to check him if he is aware that you’re not a trusting person.
10. REMEMBER THAT THE BAD GUYS ARE ALWAYS LEARNING NEW TRICKS
It is no longer a surprise to anyone that these kitoers know about the existence of Kito Diaries and are reading what you’re reading, and trying to improve on their methods which we have exposed. Even the scum in our community, those whose career is to victimize their fellow gays, are right here in our community, reading what you’re reading and searching for ways to improve on their tactics.
Do not for a moment think these guys are all stupid and dumb. Where once they were hasty with hookups, they have learned patience. Where once they used the pictures of fine boys to catfish gay guys, they have learned to recruit actual fine boys to serve as the face of their operations.
Do not underestimate the capacity of the person you’re chatting with on Grindr to hurt you. Everyone is capable of a little evil.
Having said all this, I have to reiterate that these are not foolproof plans to saving yourself from getting kitoed. But there must be something right about these guides, seeing as in all my years of being active on the online dating scene, I’ve only ever been a victim once – when I was in the university, growing up in Owerri. These guides were structured from the abundance of my experiences and observation of other people’s situations, as I took note of the things they could have avoided and the things they did right.
An application of all 10 guides and a little bit of wisdom, with Gay Jesus by your side, will go a long way to helping you navigate your way to good sex while staying safe in this often-treacherous online dating community.
Let us be wise. Be guided. And be safe.
And above all, PASS THIS KNOWLEDGE ON TO SOMEONE ELSE.
Written by Pink Panther