What’s On Your Mind… IX
Tim is my friend. He’s heterosexual and soon-to-be married to his long time girlfriend with whom he has a three-year-old son. I am out to him and our friendship is rock solid. I met Tim about eighteen months ago on one of the regular social media platforms; I thought he was gay, seeing as often, when a random guy strikes up a convo with you, he will usually turn out to be gay. I was a bit puzzled when I noticed that we had no mutual friends. (Note to everyone: when you meet a guy on any of the gay dating sites, it’s often wise to request his Facebook ID at some point before you meet. If you don’t find any mutual friends, be very, very cautious)
Anyway, I was extremely cautious but eventually met up with Tim. He turned out to be an amazing guy, extremely open-minded – one of the most open-minded Nigerians I have ever met. Somehow we got close and well, eventually, he discovered that I am gay. I will never forget his reaction when he found out; I waited with bated breath, expecting him to pour out a torrent of homophobic revulsion and bigotry. But I was pleasantly surprised when he came over and hugged me tightly and assured me that it meant absolutely nothing to him.
Tim is vocally pro-gay. On several occasions, I have had to restrain him from his fearless bashing of homophobes. When the US Supreme Court delivered its recent ruling on same-sex marriages, instinctively, I rushed over to his social media timelines, and there he was, hacking away and slashing with ferocious viciousness at the homophobes. It was a heartwarming and satisfyingly bloody day!
With Timothy, I have confirmed a theory that I have heard several times in the past, that men who are really truly heterosexual are actually less likely to be homophobic. I have tried to find out why Timothy is different and his explanation is that he has always known he is attracted to women and not to men in the least; and so he doesn’t feel threatened or afraid of homosexuality in any way whatsoever. He understands that it’s simply a manifestation of the diversity that abounds in nature. I know some diehard skeptics here will doubt his strict heterosexuality; but I have jokingly informed Tim on several occasions that should he ever wish to “taste a man’s touch”, I would be very willing to show him the ropes; that I have special expertise in taking off my clothes in less than five seconds flat. We both laughed over this while he assured me that he has absolutely no attraction for men. Tim is dashingly handsome, tall and athletic with an alluring ebony complexion. I constantly have to remind myself that I MUST NEVER fall in love with this man! He’s so lovable yet will never be available. *BBM broken-hearted emoticon* Oh well…
Tim has quite a number of gay friends who are out to him. He has drawn my attention to something I never quite noticed before; perhaps since he is an “outsider”, he can see things from a different perspective. He is increasingly worried by the trend amongst gays of ostracizing themselves from the rest of society. He has observed and pointed out that a lot of gay men actively avoid the company of straight persons. This trend gets worse with time, because a lot of straight men of a certain age have significant others who are usually females. These significant others eventually get promoted to the rank of wives. A good amount of gay men of course don’t have this going on in their lives, and since their own brand of relationships are absolutely not tolerated by society, they tend to slowly withdraw into their shells, which get smaller and smaller as time goes by. Their inability to obtain society’s validation and approval drives them to turn in on themselves.
It’s a depressing but real scenario, I have come to realize. So real that even a straight man very easily noticed it.
A few weekends ago, something hilarious happened. Timothy called me up, that he was coming to pick me up as he wished for me to accompany him to visit someone. It turned out that the someone was another friend of his who recently relocated to the UK but was visiting Nigeria for a few weeks. This Tim’s friend (call him Ben) is gay and single. In recent times, Tim has expressed concern over how I have been single for a long time and has taken it upon himself to find me a new man.
So, we got to Ben’s hotel, made initial introductions and got acquainted over drinks. After about fifteen minutes, Tim excused himself and I was suddenly alone with Ben. A few minutes later, I received a message notification on my phone. I opened the message and it was from Tim. It read simply: “Do you like him? I think you both would make a great couple.”
LOL! Oh Tim! He apparently hadn’t realized that just like straight people, gays also have preferences as to their type of partners. Ben unfortunately is absolutely not my type. We all had a good laugh over it eventually.
Tim, I swear, if you ever pull that stunt on me again, I’ll grab and kiss you passionately when next I catch you! Lol
*
My friend Curtis LOVES older men; I’m talking ten years older and upward. With Curtis, it seems the older the man, the better for him. I call him a wrinkle-chaser with major daddy issues. He is just the exact opposite of a very famous KDian/twink-hoe who absolutely loves nothing better than to raid the cradles of Uniport. *cough, cough*
Invariably, a lot of Curtis’s older men are married; the sight of a wedding ring, which seems to be at least seven years old on the wearer, gets his juices pumping. Frankly, I don’t get it. If you run into Curtis at the mall or elsewhere, you can be sure that he’d almost certainly be with one of his ‘Daddies’.
Anyway, I recently ran into Curtis at a friend’s birthday party. We got talking and I enquired teasingly about his latest ‘Daddy’. I was surprised when he told me that he had decided to stop seeing married men. I was curious to know why. The reason for his decision is very interesting, so I decided to bring it on here to hear your perspective.
He said: “I am getting older and more mature, and I have realized that I seem to be wasting my time with those older married men. I don’t really need the money and gifts a lot of them shower me with, certainly not now that my events management business has stabilized and gathered enough clientele. Recently, I have been wondering… these men have society’s acceptance and validation which their being married to women provides them, they can therefore continue to eat from both sides of the table. I realize that to most of them, I am nothing more than an object of amusement and temporary fascination. Their lives are arranged as per society’s estimation. They are simply eating their cake and having my cakes as well. I don’t think it’s fair. I have decided to stop being a part of all that.”
I stared with surprise at Curtis, increasingly realizing that he was dead serious. He had put a new twist to the whole issue and yet he was correct in his own way.
That’s it for what’s on my mind. Stay fabulous, guys.
Written by Khaleesi
About author
You might also like
WHILE WE WERE YET KIDS
I recently took a trek down memory lane, remembering those days of my past as a gay Nigerian, fresh out of my teenage years. Wait, I was eighteen or nineteen.
What’s On Your Mind… V
A few weeks ago, I went on a trip to one of the cities in the South for the wedding of an old friend. We’d been rather close during our
MY NAME IS DIMEJI (Part 2)
Previously on MY NAME IS DIMEJI… * I met Seun on Twitter, and everything happened very fast. I was basically new to being out of the closet in any capacity.
55 Comments
ken
October 02, 05:45Nice one, I really enjoyed the read.
And I especially agree with curtis on fooling around with married men bcos its pointless. You will never match up to their wives rather regarded as a temporary stump…..sadly, this is where most of us are headed i.e becoming old married gay men!
Mandy
October 02, 05:54I thoroughly enjoyed this too. Especially the first bit about your relationship with your friend Tim. Tim sounds like a fun guy, just the sought of straight friend I dream of. Bashing homophobes on my behalf, setting me up with potential lovers… Damn, what more can u ask for in a straight friend. 🙂
Pink Panther
October 02, 06:49Aswear. That’s just the ultimate. There’s one such friend I recently came out to. Well, he quite literally pulled me out of the closet to him. He was incredibly cool with it. And next thing I know, he was asking me for my specs in a guy. When I asked me why he wanted to know, he said becos he gets hit on a lot, and would like to hook me up with the next guy that hits on him who fits those specs. I laughed so hard. I mean, I couldn’t. I just couldn’t.
kacee (MM's Bae)
October 02, 08:38Me too hun me too.
Francis
October 02, 06:57Is the issue of gays ostracizing themselves really that rampant? Given the number of gays in Naija that have no qualms walking down the aisle and popping dem babies, I don’t think that’s true.
I have a friend like Tim. Everyone calls him pastor as he’s quite religious BUT super tolerant. E hard to find person wey no like am. Lord knows if he was gay, I’d be all over him as he’s just perfect.
KryxxX
October 02, 07:20**Sigh**
That moment when you need a Tim in your life only to realize that you r surrounded by “Iberibe’cious” nd narrow minded individuals who can’t see beyond their knob of a nose! Mstcheeww! Lucky you!
As for Curtis, I think there comes a time in a man’s life when he sits down, talks to himself nd rearrange his principles! Set your priority straight! Nobody wants to b another’s plaything forever! And with those men, they only want ur youth! D next wrinkle nd u r on d curb nd their search for d next hottest thing starts!
Dennis Macaulay
October 02, 07:39“Raids the cradles of uniport”
**ignoring and rising above**
Meanwhile I have 3 Tim’s in my life one of which I am a god parent to his son and if I had a dollar for the times they have tried to hook me up, I would buy out Donald Trump. Ofcourse they know nothing about gay dynamics or about my specifications (coughs and drinks water) so their match making often falls flat on its face.
Khaleesi I know where to tidy your matter
Max
October 02, 08:38Lol. Most gay men I know are shocked when they find out that I have more straight friends than gay friends.. Although the margin is getting ever closer, thanks to Pinky. Your straight friend sounds like a really nice person.
Pink Panther
October 02, 09:00Thanks to Pinky? Hmm. Suddenly, I’m the wind that blows gay friendships into people’s lives. Otioo!
Someone will make friend finish, and start looking for who to blame on top. Issorait.
kacee (MM's Bae)
October 02, 09:09*looking at Max and PP* LMAOROTFL
Francis
October 02, 09:16Yes ke! Through you we can screen the better ones from the shitty ones. LMAO
Pink Panther
October 02, 09:20Inukwa! Lmao.
PP's Hoe
October 02, 10:05There is a reason we call you Pimp Panther😎😎
Pink Panther
October 02, 10:38There’s PP’s Bae.
Now there’s PP’s Hoe.
And apparently I’m Pimp Panther, eh?
My God is watching all of you people o!
Francis
October 02, 10:48????
kacee (MM's Bae)
October 02, 11:52hahahahahaaha my eyes o, my face hurts.
kacee (MM's Bae)
October 02, 08:44ohh i’m soo jealous Khaleesi, I wish I could tell one of my straight friends (one is still avoiding me) omg this sucks….. wish I had a Tim in my life or Tina hehehehe
Mitch
October 02, 08:52Straight guys really are the best folks to have as friends. I’ve got a couple of Engineering guys as friends, 6 of them in fact. Somehow, the got to read a crazy whatsapp convo between me and my bestie and found out about me. Long story short, they confronted me and expressed their disappointment over my not telling them. It was really funny. Now 2 are avowed matchmakers for me and the whole team promised to, in their words, take care of me against gay bashing. It felt super cool.
JoshDeity
October 02, 08:54Really interesting read. Thumbs up @Khaleesi…
I would love me a Tim but then, I’ve come out to a ‘straight’ once and he told me that he was cool… And no, we hardly see and converse with each other. He really is busy and I try to avoid spending time with him. As Tim rightly opined, I’ve got me a shell. And it’s a dynamic one. In an attempt to fit in, I’ve developed a multiple personality of sorts. So far, things have more or less been stable but I fear for myself. I don’t want to contribute to the number of gays that go mental.
My straight friend said something flirty once and I told him that I had friend -zoned him. And that’s just me. I “friend-zone” virtually everyone; guys, gals, and even most gays in my life. So, I’m hardly ever really, really, really myself with any one person. But then, that’s just my interpretation of ‘not putting all my eggs in one basket’.
On another hand, as with my straight friend and any other one I may come out to in the future, will I, being as friendly as I am, truly make the effort to remain friends with that one?
Chizzie
October 02, 09:43Omg …*snaps fingers and starts speaking in tongues*, both parts of this post completely describe my present existence at the moment.
I came out to all three of my flatmates ( long story) and it was probably the best decision I have ever made, because I can truly be myself and I’ve even had them stand of for me when people make homophobic remarks. The only problem I’l say is that maybe they are a tad too gay friendly. I mean, I dont want to talk abt gay things all the time.
So there’s one of them that is sooo hot! I’ve had to restrain myself from raping him ’cause everything about him screams power top. Anyways he’s straight as an arrow and constantly tries to huk me up with every gay guy he knows. He attended a catholic uni so as expected he knows alot of gay people
And just like Curtis, I’ve had enough of married penis. Because really I’m not getting any younger and I shouldnt have to vie for a man’s attention and penis with his wife. Nope,no more!
Keredim
October 02, 10:23All well and good for Curtis to move on from older married men.
His primary goal for dating older men has been achieved (setting up his business and all) and now he has another goal (seemingly settling down)
I don’t think he should disparage the older guys for having their “cake and eating his cakes” after all he benefitted emensely from their generosity.
Francis
October 02, 13:33I don’t think that was his primary goal. That one na on the side benefit. He might be really into older guys and looking to settle with one bet na only the married ones dey show face.
keredim
October 02, 15:10Really? I hear you….
Francis
October 02, 15:53Is there something you want to share (get off ya chest)? ???
Keredim
October 02, 17:17Ah no Doctor, the “prescription” you gave above is just fine for my chest.??
Colossus
October 02, 14:02It’s great to have heterosexual friends, makes you feel at ease around them. One downside is that they most times try to hook you up.
Some heterosexual friends though don’t get what you’re all about, they just want to have a gay friend like it’s some sort of trendy fashion assesory.
I wont even bother with the “Hey look, married people are evil and just want to eat their cake and have it” conversation. That would be trying to resurrect a dead penis.
Dennis Macaulay
October 02, 16:35The one that vexes me is girls ; when they find out they want you to help them shop for shoes, help them pick out outfits because after all every gay man has a fashion gene! *rolls eyes*
I endured one girl’s own sha because I wanted to fuck her younger brother, and after I succeeded I vamoosed!
Before Awon Judges descend on me, he was 19
Pink Panther
October 02, 17:02Twink hoe like you. *pursing lips in a Maxine expression* Ptueh!
Delle
October 02, 14:41*scratches head*…sorry, buh dere r 2 different stories posted, ryt? Or one story wif 2 plots? I really dnt get d whole post.
Oh well…everyone has a ‘Tim’…ur ability 2 muster d courage nd find out mks u complete as a gay man.
Brian Collins
October 02, 15:35Thanks for this Khaleesi, very interesting read. I really want to come out to my closest straight friend and hope he will be like Tim, I can’t call him my best straight friend yet, I refer to him as Bester because he doesn’t yet know that I’m gay.
Delle
October 02, 16:17Dere’s always dis hunch…dis annoying streak about eventually fallin in love wif dat str8 friend! Hw do u fend it off knwin u cnt nd shudnt see him in such light?
Dey cud be so desirable! Nd den hvin one dat understands nd accepts u 4 u…oh, hw overwhelming! *faints*
Dennis Macaulay
October 02, 16:26Delle please atleast use prediction on your phone, your style of writing makes your comment very difficult to read.
Keredim
October 02, 17:21ifukwara??????
Teflondon
October 02, 16:32I have like a thousands Tims.. Plus I get to fucks with them also. Yea, I know right.. ?
I still don’t get how people like old Men (40 years and above) I’ve tried really hard to try it but I couldnt, it’s just not my thing Tho I know dating oldies comes with its specs but I’ll pass…
** waves my ‘Team rough-neck twinks forever’ placard**
Eugene
October 02, 17:29Hmmmm , I wish I had a friend like Tim ‘ sways weave ‘ , still trying to survive the fact that my family found out am gay… Well would be so glad if I have a Tim in my life. My dear curtis good decision ” sips Zobo”
Heiress
October 02, 20:46While I will not judge people who are into the older folks however there is just something odd about having sex with my father’s mates. It’s quiet unsettling. I feel like I am in an incestous relationship lol. But my only exception is if the black/ mixed don’t crack and does not look his age wink wink
Francis
October 02, 20:58Dustin Lance Black try no be small for a white dude.
Pink Panther
October 02, 22:17You feel like sex with an older man who doesn’t know your father from Adam but just happens to be his age-mate is incestuous?
Colossus
October 02, 23:01Of cos, all his father’s age mates are related to him. *singing* His grandfather has many sons, many sons, that’s grandfather heires…… He is one of them and so are you so let’s not dare have sex.
keredim
October 02, 23:04Yes now. Especially if all the older men he knows are his father’s friends and he calls them “Uncle”
Colossus
October 02, 23:07Hahaha haha. Hell, dazzal
Heiress
October 02, 23:21Better still Alhaji’s hehe
Heiress
October 02, 23:19Lol yes PP I said it feels like it for me but to each his own and who am I to judge!! You like what you like I guess. Just like some guys love to have sex with Trannies and trannies only.
Pink Panther
October 02, 23:25‘Just like some guys love to have sex with Trannies and trannies only.’
I don’t know why I feel like you were sending out a barb at people who have sex with transsexuals.
Heiress
October 02, 23:33Nope. If I wanted to send barb I will not be sly about it. I am saying some guys might not be into it does not mean others don’t do it.
PP's bae
October 03, 00:32i can’t really say i have a best friend….until the day i find a friend worth coming out to….this closet door of reinforced titanium stays shut.
Delle
October 03, 01:07@Dennis Macaulay…I’m sincerely sorry if my short-form of writing is making it quite tasking 2 grasp my comments…but its more like a habit nw. Having said this, I’d try 2 adjust. Thanks 4 d reprimand anyway.
Xoxoxo
Francis
October 03, 02:08Aaaaaw, that is so sweet of you. Some people for here for don burst plenty brain vessels on top the matter. ??
Lenny
October 03, 21:31I like the way you encourage good behaviour. Thanks for the light hearted and non-malicious fun you bring here.
Francis
October 04, 07:01Thanks ?
jay
October 03, 08:56i dont know why,but i find it difficult to believe your str8 guy story but if its true kudos to the duo
Delle
October 03, 14:00Francis please quit the unnecessary sarcasm and spite me full-on…*eyes rolling*
Francis
October 03, 17:15@Delle Spite you full on say wetin happen? I don’t have time for that biko. I wasn’t trying to be spiteful, sarcastic or whatever. I was just saying it like it is. Some people here don’t handle criticism well and you handled it like a pro.
sensei
October 03, 16:20This was a great read. Your diction is too pure!
Weddone!
Dickson Clement
October 04, 00:31In my experience, if someone is straight and accommodates you, 40percent says the person is gay too or still confused, 30 percent says the person has relatives that are gay, and 20percent says there are free-minded. The good thing is that 50percent of these free-minded people will end up trying out gay sex if their gay friends is manipulative. I had a friend when I was in med sch, he was cover page sexy, 100percent athletic, 100 percent masculine, plus stable heterosexual relationshipS. We moved from friends to roomates and he uncovered my closet and he was cool with it. We graduated together, got the same hospital for Housejob, we were still roomates, he once walked in while I was in the middle of something and I have walked in on him, countless time while the ladies are screaming. At the 8th year of our friendship, I met a guy in Abuja who claimed he had banged my friend! I argued with intensity that my friend of 8yrs wasn’t playing for out team. It ended in a bet, a challenge I gladly placed my currency on. I was riped with shock the day he arrived the hotel and I was in the adjoining room where he was totally banged. BANGED, and he was even bottom!