I read about it on Linda Ikeji’s blog. I was at work that day and I spied something about it on my friend’s Blackberry pm, and I just knew the gossip queen, Linda would have the full gist. So I checked her blog and there it was: the signage into law of a new status quo. One that had instantly turned folks like me into potential criminals and jail prospects.

As the day drew to an end, as I monitored the blogosphere and observed the virtual war that raged between the self-righteous majority of heterosexuals and the indignant minority of gay activists, I fell to the clutches of depression. The opinions were flying with rapid-fire intensity across the internet.

The sick bastards, this is what they deserve!

Judge not that you may not be judged…

Go to hell, gays! But first of all, go to jail!

If it is your brother or sister who you discover is gay nko…

This is an abuse of a minority’s human rights!

Jonathan doesn’t realize what he has done!

God help us! God help Nigeria!

Melancholy, dark and heavy, descended on me as the sun set on that day. I started questioning my existence as a human being, as a Nigerian, and as part of God’s creation. My country thinks I’m a criminal. My Christian brethren think I’m a sin. My countrymen think I’m an abomination. What was the point of living, really? It was like my early University days all over again, that period when I struggled to make my peace with my sexuality.

And then I started to withdraw. With the news of rampant gay lynchings came trepidation; I started looking over my shoulder, and seeing accusations in every stranger’s eyes that looked at me a little longer than necessary before passing me by. With the news of impromptu police searches of the phones of young male pedestrians came the sense of self preservation; I deleted all the gay porn in my phone, right along with the gorgeous pictures of Tyson Beckford (#sigh I’d always prayed I would one day have sex with that guy) and the sleek, segzy photos of a well-built friend of mine (#grin Now him I have had sex with).

But then, the good thing about self preservation is that it pulled me out of my depression. Because the will to live is birthed only when one has developed the instinct to protect life, to keep life – yours – at all costs.

And then time passed.

And Boko Haram struck.

And public officials mismanaged funds.

And as the outrage of Nigerians was split, life went on.

I gradually regained the courage to get back on the dating sites. After all, I was still looking for love, wasn’t I? And somewhere beyond all the other gay men looking for a quick lay, beyond all the conniving straight men looking to entrap the gays, beyond all the good, the bad and the ugly, there had to be someone whose fuck…sorry, love would be my final bus stop.

So I reactivated my profile, and dived into the dating pool again.

It wasn’t long before he caught my eye. Well, actually, I caught his. He said hello first. And I clicked open his profile pictures and proceeded to check him out, to know if he was worth my time.

He was.

Quite good looking. High cheekbones. Full, pouty lips (Gawd! I have a weakness for kissable lips). Plus his sense of humour wasn’t so bad.

And he was married too. Yes, he dropped that nugget of information, and I had to pull the brakes on my designs of happily-ever-after with him. Oh well, if there was no love to be found with him, there was always sex. I took comfort in that, and promptly changed the tone of my responses during our chats. I went from mushy to flirty. From nice to naughty. From romantic to outrageous. My online Sasha Fierce was on full throttle.

He reacted to my new persona the way I knew he would. Oh baby, I’m so hot for you. Baby, I want you so bad. Baby, do you know what you’re doing to me, you’re making me hard. Baby, I want to fuck you till you say my name. Baby, when can we meet?

Ah yes, the ultimate hook-up question – When can we meet?

And if it were during my university days or when I wasn’t employed, I would have hastened to fix a date with him, so much was the free time I had on my hands. But you see, I have a demanding job. One that leaves me beat at the end of every week day. One that makes me crave the solitude and relaxation that the weekends have to offer. I’m very selfish with whatever free time I get during the weekends. Which is why I find it hard to acquiesce to any arrangement where I’m required to go and meet someone. Don’t get me wrong, I do go out for hook-ups. But often times, I quite simply cannot be bothered.

And so, when I asked him what sort of arrangement he had in mind, and he replied that I would have to come to his area, for us to have a sleepover at his cousin’s place, I had concerns.

Is your cousin gay?


Does he know you are?


So how will this work?

What do you mean?

Where will he be while we’re busy shagging in his house?

He’s my little cousin. I’ll send him off to spend the night elsewhere.

There was something wrong with that answer but I didn’t dwell on it. But the days that followed saw us repeatedly rescheduling our date, because of me. I had the excuses. I’d had a long day at work. I had a migraine. I had another engagement with family. NEPA blessed us with light all weekend. A cousin came around to spend the weekend. I had a huge laundry to do. Excuses, excuses. It wasn’t as though I had a bad feeling about him. There were no alarm bells ringing, no niggling sense of unease, no still small voice warning me to stay away from him.

I just simply couldn’t be bothered to make the effort to go see him.

And then, that afternoon, he called. I answered his call, already bursting with profuse apologies and promises that I’d surely make the next date. But he coolly brushed aside my words and said, I’m beginning to suspect that you already know.

Already know what?

That I’m not really gay. That I’m actually a policeman, and my mission on the dating site is to catch stupid gays like you and make sure you go to prison.

I froze where I was. My eyes widened with shock and my mind silently screamed, What?!

You’re very lucky, he continued. All this time you kept on posting me and posting me; I began to think that you already suspect who I am. At a point, I discussed the operation with my wife, and she told me to just let you be. She said it wasn’t worth it, and I finally agreed. So count yourself very lucky, young man. I would say god is truly watching over you, but I know God hates your kind. I’m telling you all this because I’m crossing you off my list. Goodbye, and stay away from trouble.

And he hung up, leaving me stupefied and angry and grateful to the Providence who made sure I had my excuses, that I had no reason to walk through this particular valley of shadow of death. The world is full of unknowns, most of them dangerous and potentially hurtful. But I’ll continue to live and love and pray to God – you know, He who watches over me and yet hates my kind – to deliver me from them all.

Written by Pink Panther

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  1. Dennis Macauley
    May 13, 08:14 Reply

    An intern at work fell into the hands of a police man on badoo! I dint even know the intern was gay, but when it happened, he called me because he couldn’t think of any other person to call. I called a smart lawyer I knew and we all went to the police station by 1am. We eventually got him out after paying almost 80 thousand naira begging them not to charge him to court.
    Our climes have changed, we should all be carefull.

    • pinkpanthertb
      May 13, 08:16 Reply

      Indeed the climes have changed. The risk factor has upped several degrees.

  2. KingBey
    May 13, 08:41 Reply

    You Lucky Slut ! Your shobo for hear am ..loll

  3. Chizzie
    May 13, 08:45 Reply

    Omg. Wow this gave me goosebumps. I could relate extensively with the first part of the story. About u feeling depressed over the anti gay bill. When that happened, for the first time in my 25yrs of existence. .I was truly afraid and depressed. I was just about writing my final year exams and I felt torn. Eveloped in a wave of paranoia, completely hopeless, school kept me busy for the most part of it and when I was done, as we love to do best in this country, the hype had died out and the gays were swept under the carpet back to oblivion and Boko Haram came into prominence. And I felt safe again or so I thought, This story has reaffirmed the fact that there are hungry and frustrated Nigerians that see exposing gays as their source of sustenance. My advice is..ditch the mainstream online platforms. MANJAM!!. Manjam is too basic..and easy to register. Plus its teeming with ugly hungry Nigerians already. Stick to more exclusive and mobile oriented apps (whose names I shall not mention) . Esp those dedicated to Android and Iphone devices, only truly gay guys will take the time (and mb) to find such apps and actually download them and follow up on them. And for all the unemployed sisters like myself while we wait for NYSC and the likes..let’s not be in such a hurry.

    This gave me alot to think about, thanks!

  4. earl.
    May 13, 08:53 Reply

    And I planned on meeting someone today…. Hmmm…*locks myself indoors*,*switches off my fone*, *ties myself to the chair*… Alryt.. Thanks for the advance warning…

    • pinkpanthertb
      May 13, 08:55 Reply

      Hahahahahaaa!!! Guys, guys, I don’t mean to scare y’all o.

  5. Dominic
    May 13, 11:24 Reply

    Trust the nigerian police, this is one way they can make extra cash. Their intent is not to charge you to court but to threaten to and in the process extort money from you.
    Its indeed a shame that the black man’s response to what he does not understand is to criminalize it. Nothing is to be feared…it is to be understood, but thanks to the wide spread believe in some ancient book written by some Jewish cave men. Nothing else makes sense, other than their unproven and contradictory theories. I often wonder what sort of god would create me to like boys and then condemn me to hell…such a god must love contradictions as evidenced in most of the ferry tales in the books. One thing I’m grateful for is that my self realization of being bi made me to pursue religion and faith in search of some reconciliation and I my eyes were opened to the many inconsistency and illogical human ideology called religion.
    Its indeed amazing how every other sin vanishes when homosexuality is the topic. Even murder becomes pardonable if its a gay that is lynched. I’m sorry if I offend your sensibilities as a ‘Christian or religous gay’. To me the they can’t be together.
    Before you meet anyone, biko chat for some few days or weeks self. Never invite some to your house or go to someone’s house for first meeting. Meet in an open place first, a bar, a restaurant etc. Control your homones abeg.

    • beryl04
      December 21, 13:57 Reply

      yes o my bruv: ‘religion was invented when the first con man met the first fool” – Mark Twain

  6. Khyma
    May 14, 19:01 Reply

    Wow… #jawdropstothefloor #picksitup #dropsagain. Dis is definitely sumtin to kip in mind. #phew. Lucky ass nigga

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