Carl’s Existentialism IV

Carl’s Existentialism IV

When we were younger, our parents, friends or life introduced movies or music and many more emotional triggers that influenced us. In some ways, these sources of entertainment or situations that we experienced shaped a number of our ideals, or just made us blossom fully into who we are. Barring one of my best friends, no one knows how emotionally vested I am in the world and things around me. I am easily moved to tears. When I watched The New Legend of Shaolin, my heart broke and eyes brimmed with the treatment of Hei-Kung and Man Ting. After watching The Lion King, I sobbed at the betrayal that came from one’s own brother. When Titanic ended, I jejely got up from the chair in the living room, went to the bathroom, and wailed my being out on the floor. I was overcome with emotions for the suffering of characters, who I thought were real. (How could I have thought this? LOL)

Most people would call me pathetic for constantly being one eye-batting away from tears when I watch TV. If you watch Grey’s Anatomy, then you would know that for the whole of a couple of seasons, I cried at the end of EVERY episode, especially the episodes where Lexie Grey, and then, Mark Sloane died. The height of my misery came when Christina Yang left. It was just everything. Whatever show you think does not warrant any tears from anyone, I guarantee you, I must’ve cried for it. This might irritate people, but I’ve actually grown to love that side of me. It is a constant reminder that I am still human, and that I have not lost my sympathy card.

Let me switch it to reality. One thing I can’t bear to do is look at beggars on the street. Even though I haven’t seen any in a while, the thought of them sends me into a state where I can barely contain myself. I don’t cry, but I am filled with so much pain. Sure, some of them might mean harm, but I don’t care. The fact that other people are in constant suffering and penury should be enough to move anybody.

There is no big reason I decided to share this; it’s just the one thing that kept knocking on my mind to be let out for people to read. If you are like me, one who is always be moved to tears when they watch or experience gut-wrenching things, one who turned a hanky damp and wrinkled as he watched Jack gasp to his death in the freezing Atlantic after the Titanic capsized, or sobbed a little when you realized that Bonnie would have to die for Elena to live, or shed happy tears for the ending of Glee – Embrace It! It is unique. It is special. It is you.


I have said this before; my love for anything involving stories is very high. And this is why when I came across the show, True Detective, last year, I finished it in the equivalent period of one day, give or take a few hours. Nic Pizzolato is a fucking genius. I loved the casting, the directing, visuals, and most importantly, the storyline. One word: Excellent. So today, I decided to check up on it and find out when it would be coming back – June 21 on HBO, so I can brace myself for the upcoming awesomeness.

Then I looked at the cast again, and decided to go over their bios, blah-blah-blah. Eventually I got to Colin Farrell’s page and began to peruse. See, it’s not like I haven’t been to his page numerous times before, because I have, but this would be the first time I’d be seeing the byline ‘Sex tape’. I paused, and clicked on the link for fast access. I began to read it, and saw that it was a previous playboy model that he made the tape with, and she wanted to release the tape. Selfish much? Anyway, my curious mind moved me along to Google and I typed swiftly: ‘Colin Farrell sex tape’, and of course, xvideos, and pornhub both had it. I clicked on the first link and proceeded to watch the video, curiosity wanting me to really know the size of his dick. Now, for clarity sake, this is not like Mimi and Nikkos’ sex tape, and I wasn’t disappointed. I like the size of what I saw – above medium with moderate thickness. Mmm-hmm! His Irish accent did not lack in moving some parts of my body, and I did not fail to respond adequately. (lol) When it got to the part of him eating the box, it took everything in me to watch to the end, and let me add, he has a nice ass.

After watching the video, I asked myself, “What possesses someone to make a sex tape?” Please, please, my lover should not even pitch that idea to me. Ifoti to gbona lo ma je. Something always goes wrong in situations like this. I can’t won’t be able to stand the humiliation. Sex exploits are only for you and your best friends (if you are comfortable telling them). Sometimes, it’s really only for you. The sex tape gets released, and next thing you know, people are sizing you up, knowing the way something does you in between sheets, and how you sound when climax was crashing down on you – Ah, if it were me, I wouldn’t deal. I just wouldn’t. I know I will never look at Colin Farrell the same way again. However, for this, I respect porn stars . . . and Ben Affleck for allowing us a sneak peek at his sexy dick in Gone Girl. They are trying. I’m not one for such publicity.


So, back to my secondary school Kito Story… Where was I? Ah yes, right when MotherFucker and Sinister Bastard ruined my life.

Subsequently, I started to become more withdrawn. I began pushing people away, and for the first time, I was homesick. I wanted the cocoon of my parents and my younger siblings in our quiet home in Abeokuta. I couldn’t function, but I dared not show the weakness. During my journey of ‘strength-filled façade’, I encountered Sinister Bastard yet again. He called me into the bathroom with MotherFucker, where they wanted to get a clear sense of what happened, from me.

Oh Lord. I thought to myself. As soon as I began rehashing the events of that horrible afternoon, the earth must have taken a tilt with my life in its hands and dove for the dirty universe gutters, because the next person that walked in was definitely one of my worst, worst, WORST nightmares – Senior Pangolo (SP). SP was a cute, Igbo guy who had a cousin in my set. The moment I saw him, I became frantic, and palms turned sweaty. I cursed inwardly at something, at anything that had a hand in my situation, or that couldn’t help me. I just cursed.

He asked what we were doing in the toilet, and I blurted out, “Nothing!”

“Shut up. Why are you crowding here? What are you talking about?” he asked again, this time focusing on SB and MF.

And they, cowed by his seniority, told him everything. When they were done, he actually decided to take action and report me to the principal. I could tell that I was not liked. He stepped out of the toilet and started for the principal’s office. See as me I did like weyrey, and yanked him back – with care o – into the toilet.

The first thing that came out of my mouth was, “Please, I will do anything you want!”

He looked at me carefully, sizing me up for the filth he probably thought I was, and then said, “I want your tuckshop for the rest of the term.”

The term?! What would I do or eat? I could feel myself start to sob at that point. I had no control over anything anymore. I whispered a ‘Yes’ to him, hoping that I could die at that moment, or that I could just erase the past few days. I just wanted to be me again. However, even though I was distraught over SP wanting my tuckshop, I was kind of glad that it wasn’t SB that would continue to get it. I could see the sourness in his eyes, and I quietly savored that moment.

I was left alone in the bathroom, and I contemplated my life. I didn’t even recognize myself anymore. I had just become a nonentity, a piece of trash to be stepped on, and there was nothing I could do about it.

Go raibh míle maith agat go mór le haghaidh léamh.

Till next session!

Written by Carl

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  1. KryxxX
    May 30, 05:26 Reply

    Like the way I cried @ d end of Furious 7 abi while they were giving Paul Walker’s eulogy nd the closing credit with Charly Putt’s “see you again”…………..

    I wept like a baby!

    I wailed nd cried nd laughed nd everything that comes out from being sad!

    Pls, anyone that knows this movie makers should pass a message to dem for me.

    Tell them that life in itself is sad enough, can we have happy endings in movies bikonu? I just can’t deal with life’s sadness nd add a fictional one on top! Lets b happy for once! Thank you!

    • pinkpanthertb
      May 30, 06:04 Reply

      Watch Fault In Our Stars, Kryxxx. Your tear ducts will empty at that movie

      • Francis
        May 30, 07:13 Reply

        @PTB that movie set like that? I always have a problem sitting through Oscar buzz movies as they can be quite long and slow

      • Max
        May 30, 07:38 Reply

        I shed tears at almost every turn in that movie @Fault in our stars.
        Thats how I know good movies; the ones that can prod your emotions.

  2. KryxxX
    May 30, 05:34 Reply

    As for this senior ajo mmadu! Umuazi si window ba nne ha afo! Umuaka aku oto na azu ulo tuba nne ha ime eji muo ha! Can we just get to the part were they asked u to get ur food from d dining for them nd u added cow dung/goat feaces into their food or they asked u to get them water in d night nd u peed in it!

    I did d later nd I have no regret! Evil children that call themselves seniors! My tuckshop for a whole term?! Such height of wickedness!

  3. MacArdry
    May 30, 05:49 Reply

    Someone knows Irish Gaelic.
    Thank you for sharing,Carl

    • Carl
      May 30, 15:16 Reply

      No I don’t. All credit goes to Google translate. Lol.
      Thank you!

  4. Mercury
    May 30, 07:00 Reply

    Ahhhhh thank goodness, so as much as I’m a cold hearted biatch on d outside, I’m a total Softie on d inside. I can she’d tears for movies ehn, from tragedies to even rom coms, I’m emotional like that. Your highschool tho, I was a total hoe bag in secondary sch and was never blackmailed for it, except the one time where some truant asshole went to report me a model student who could do absolutely no wrong.. ..I can imagine his shame when he was walked outta that office. Hello the Chapel Prefect is sanctified and will do no such thing. If only they knew….

    • Carl
      May 30, 15:17 Reply

      Lol, I’m my school, you could have been the principals son. If there was a whiff of a scandal to your name, all the teachers become private/public investigators.

  5. pinkpanthertb
    May 30, 07:18 Reply

    I stopped watching Greys Anatomy when Mark died. As if Lexie’s deatg hadnt caused me enough heartbreak. Then somehow somehow I decided to return to it. Just as I was about to start sourcing for the series from friends, McDreamy died.
    A whole McDreamy!
    And you want me to go back and watch the series?
    Mbanu! No way, José! I just can’t biko. Shonda Rhimes will not come and shatter my heart biko.

  6. Max
    May 30, 07:35 Reply

    This may come as a surprise, but I actually shed tiny Lil tears at the end of some really harrowing episodes of TV series and movies. Like you Carl, it reminds me I’m still human.
    You have a rare gift of compassion, please don’t ever lose it. The world will try to take it away from you, but don’t let them.

    Beautifully written..

    • pinkpanthertb
      May 30, 07:44 Reply

      You’re right. It came as a surprise. I an trying to imagine you working a hanky at your eyes during a movie. That imagination isn’t just working. And I do have an active imagination.
      Go figure. 😀

      • Max
        May 30, 08:08 Reply

        Hahahahahahaha.. A hanky is never involved.. It involves blinking really quickly to take it all back and using my hands to wipe..

  7. Sinnex
    May 30, 08:58 Reply

    You right about Grey’s Anatomy.

  8. Mercury
    May 30, 09:07 Reply

    Who are you? and what have you done with my friend?

  9. D-boy
    May 30, 10:52 Reply

    something happened in my teen years (not sexual), and I vowed not to cry again. I honestly didn’t cry for about a decade and realized it was just a lot of hurt and anger to carry.

    I had heard of the tears associated with Greys and decided to try it. It didn’t come till about season 3 when Meredith almost died. It was a good release.

    I am a die hard romantic. I blame romcoms and Disney for this. Re watched an old fave; Pretty woman recently and couldn’t wipe off my goofy smile. I was like yeah this is why you are so fucked up. Lol

    P.s can Disney switch up the plot , prince misses his way and princess saves herself. Ugh

    Truly enjoyed this Carl. Sorry about your traumatic high school experience.

  10. Brian Collins
    May 30, 11:07 Reply

    I absolutely loved this. I cried in all those movies you mentioned and more. I personally dont think being an emotionally sensitive person is a bad thing. A lot of my striaght friends cried like babies when they watch ‘My name is Khan’ & ‘3 idiots’ & ‘we are family’ all indian movies. For me the thought of something so tragic being a true life story just makes me fills buckets. Selma, Titanic, Hotel Rwanda, the Pursuit of Happiness, to mention a few.
    I just have a feeling that one of MF,SB,SP will ask for a sexual favor. We had that case in my school. The blackmailer became the blackmailed.
    Very nice Carl, i loved the way you introduced each new ‘topic’.

    • Carl
      May 30, 15:24 Reply

      I will pass on SB, and make SP, and MF bitches. Lol

    • R.A
      May 31, 22:56 Reply

      Those Indian movies you just listed hit me so deep I shed a tear..or two….no! One!…. Who else saw Krish?

  11. Carl
    May 30, 15:19 Reply

    Meh, we can always use the mirrors, and get higher off the strokes, moans and pounding. Lol

  12. Diablo
    May 30, 16:02 Reply

    I don’t get whats with the foreign languages at the end of the post, bro, it’s totally unnecessary .

  13. kunleshi
    May 30, 18:07 Reply

    This is so me, me DAT can cry for africa,I can cry for any slow n solem song and yes those songs with high pitch also.I rem crying to Cece winans it wasn’t easy. I love myself this way cos I feel joy somewhere deep down after I let those tears out.

  14. kunleshi
    May 30, 18:14 Reply

    As for the school stuff 10k God Wilson (not real name tho) never mentioned my name wen he was caught back then in command secondary school I still love him for DAT.

  15. Lothario
    May 31, 09:19 Reply

    It’s weird about getting teary-eyed over the slightest things. I always think I’m over that phase, then something happens that just brings the waterworks.
    The other day, my colleague told me she had a miscarriage and the way I started crying was unbelievable, even I couldn’t understand it, we’re not even that close so it was a huge wonder.

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