Dear KD: I Am Struggling With The Decision Of Coming Out To My Best Friend

Dear KD: I Am Struggling With The Decision Of Coming Out To My Best Friend

I have a best friend and his name is Dominic (for the purpose of this story). Both Dominic and I are friends with this other guy, Wilson. I met Wilson through Dominic when we were in the university and we got along very quick. I attended a private university where everyone knew everyone, and for that, I tried very hard to stay properly sheltered in my closet. However, something must have given me away because Wilson up and asked me one day if I was gay. We’d become good friends at this point, and I answered in affirmation. His response to this was weird; he said he’d always wanted to be gay but to no avail. He said he liked the fact that “gay people are a rare species” and that he loves rare people. Anyway, all in all, he was supportive and said he would always be there for me. As a result of this, our friendship got stronger.

Fast forward to my birthday in April, and Wilson was encouraging me to come out to Dominic, because he believed Dominic knowing the real me would strengthen my friendship with him all the more. I declined though, saying I would do that when Dominic leaves the country as he is planning to in July.

I’d actually thought about coming out to Dominic; he is after all my best friend. But for some reason, even though I didn’t know his views on LGBT issues, I’d always been hesitant.

But I would soon get to know exactly how Dominic felt about my kind.

Yesterday, he called me to tell me how pissed he was upon discovering that his gym partner (Dominic is a body builder) is gay. I asked him how he got to know this and Dominic told me the story. Apparently, this guy (let’s call him Andrew) had been hitting on another gym buddy of theirs (let’s call this other one Jamie), wanting to hook up with Jamie. The fact that Andrew was into guys wasn’t the only thing that had Jamie shook; it was that Andrew was into guys – and also a vocal homophobe, always expressing his bitter anger against gays and talking about how he would kill anyone of them he finds. Jamie decided to tell Dominic about this, talking about how he believes Andrew is being homophobic to hide his insecurities about his own homosexuality and shift whatever suspicion anyone may have about him from him.

But then, the person Jamie was talking to was also himself a homophobe. Because Dominic was now on the phone with me, very upset, talmabout how a fine, young, muscular guy like Andrew would prefer men to women. He even sent me a picture for him to see what Andrew looked like, and DAMN! Andrew is hot! I was even tempted to ask him for Andrew’s number on the pretext that I wanted to help lead him to restoration. Lol.

Anyway, it turned out that my best friend, Dominic, was quite homophobic, and this was especially bewildering to me, seeing as he was the same person who kissed me on the lips on one of my birthdays back when we were in school, the same person who would often end our calls with “I love you.”

Yes, you would ask how come I never came out to him considering all these things he did. I honestly do not know the answer to that. I found it easy to come out to Wilson, who wasn’t even that close to me before I came out to him – but for whatever reason, I’d held back when it came to being out to Dominic.

And now, in light of the way he’s reacting to what he knows about his gym partner, I really, really, really am not sure anymore about telling him about me. Wilson is busy insisting that I should tell him, that it’d be selfish of me to hold back from him the knowledge of who his best friend truly is. I just truly cherish my friendship with Dominic and wouldn’t want to lose him.

So I need guidance. Should I tell him now? Should I wait till he leaves the country before telling him? Or should I just keep this forever from him?

I need help.

Submitted by Mannie

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  1. Sim
    June 29, 06:37 Reply

    Heh buddy, nobody should tell u what to do in this situation. U know what to do, but hesitant to accept. However I think, there is something Wilson know but not telling you.

    • slender
      June 29, 14:58 Reply

      LOL, one thing ill know for sure is that Everybody mentioned is this story is GAY. my advice is dont come out to Dominic, save yourself from unnecessary drama.

  2. Mitch
    June 29, 07:26 Reply

    Odds are, Dominic is another self-loathing gay man like the Andrew that’s his gym buddy.

    Either that, or we’re dealing with an actual hetero man who really likes you yet is homophobic as fuck.

    I think it’d be safer for you and your sanity if you came out to him after he’s left the country. It puts you out of close proximity to him and whatever damage he could possibly do to you when you come out to him.

    Point is, your safety comes first in situations like this. So, lead with your head, not your heart.

  3. Delle
    June 29, 07:27 Reply

    You shouldn’t be coerced into what you’re hesitant to do. Coming out is a PERSONAL decision and that thing about it strengthening a bond is a farce really.

    That said, how comfortable are you being best friends with a homophobic person sef? And how do you think coming out to him is what’s important when you should be steering clear of him. From the bit about him kissing you on the lips (even though that’s too flimsy to be a pointer), he could very well be queer (most IHed people react really strongly to homosexuality).

    He isn’t worth your being out to him. You can remain friends but know where the line is drawn.

  4. Dee
    June 29, 09:03 Reply

    Why are you even still friends with this strange character? When he leaves the country, cut your losses and lose his contact. 2020, the year of our black Lord Beyonce, is not the year to coddle or expose yourself to homophobia. Coming out to a known homophobe is like going drinking with a known rapist. Why would you do that?

    • Jinchuriki
      June 29, 09:09 Reply

      Cutting off someone you love is worse than kicking an addiction. Kicking an addiction is not easy, my friend.

  5. Jinchuriki
    June 29, 09:06 Reply

    I agree with Delle. You shouldn’t feel pressured to do anything you do not want to. For some reason, Sim’s point of view also makes sense, it’s possible Wilson knows more than he is letting you know.

    I have come out to a couple of people, including one of my “homophobic” older brothers. In my experience, you’ll know when it’s time to come out to whomever.

    Don’t feel pressured.

  6. Loki
    June 29, 10:15 Reply

    Well i agree with Sim, perhaps there is something which Wilson knows but isn’t telling u. On a whole, no one shuld pressure u into coming out. Dominic is your friend and i am sure dat u both have your moments, homophobe or not, there is a reason u have stuck with him all these while. So i will say that u weigh d pros and cons of it all. Decide for yourself,but i wouldnt say u shuld cut him off, its better u tell him and he he leaves u on his own, nt u pushing him off. u know him more dan we do, best of luck dear.

  7. Haiku
    June 29, 11:21 Reply

    I wish you could have more discussion on topics leading to homosexuality and see Dominic’s view to understand him better.I have a friend with whom I would have discussions with, sometimes him taking a more conservative view,that’s when we’re with other friends.I would later question him why he took such a stance and he’d tell me how he was hiding his genuine views to avoid prejudice from a fellow friend who is his fellow Church member,which happened to be true though.I came out to him last November. He just declared me his best friend and most honest person he’s ever we’re even better friends right now.
    That other friend of yours, be assured, will help convince Dominic to be more accepting should be be hard on you.
    #Dont spare a chance to come out,this seems a good opportunity for sure,since you already got a good mutual friend whom you got his full support

  8. Mandy
    June 29, 11:57 Reply

    How come nobody is talking about the reason Wilson is so accepting? Dude
    said “he’d always wanted to be gay but to no avail. He said he liked the fact that “gay people are a rare species” and that he loves rare people.”
    Lol. This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever heard from a hetero. Must be nice to observe life from a position where you wish you can make a choice to be part of a minority.

  9. Black Dynasty
    June 29, 12:38 Reply

    I’d say trust your instincts @ coming out to Dominic. If your gut is telling you not to, then don’t.

  10. ken
    June 29, 16:35 Reply

    NEWSFLASH: All y’all are gay, duh!

    Dominic is just as gay as andrew and wilson. The only difference is some of u suffer from internalized homophobia (dominic and jamie) while others (wilson) happy to live vicariously through u

  11. Queen of Queens
    June 29, 17:22 Reply

    Is there really any need to “come out”? What does coming out even mean? Live your life how you want to, so long as you are not doing harm.

    Send me Andrew’s contact details by the way…for “restoration” purposes only …and Dominic too ☺

    • Loki
      June 29, 19:39 Reply

      ???????????????????. Chai, queen u no well. Wetin u wan restore?

  12. Mannie
    June 30, 00:38 Reply

    I appreciate everyone’s opinion, and I’ve decided not to come out to him till he leaves the country and peradventure the friendship continues,I’d then consider coming out to him. No one’s worth that drama biko….thanks alot guys. I appreciate the homeliness and warmth on KD…

  13. Alexxparish
    July 02, 12:53 Reply

    Sometimes it not necessarily telling your best friend about your sexuality just like love Simon or Alex strangelove since Wilson knws about you and it cool with it let that be that and it okay too wait for the right time or moment don’t rush or complicate things for yourself???you valid dear one
    It time you start moving on but knw this you not alone

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