Dear KD: My Homophobic Brother Wants To Out Me

Dear KD: My Homophobic Brother Wants To Out Me

I am under the stress of a serious issue here, and I desperately need advice on how to proceed from here on.

I have a younger brother who I have had a good relationship with for the longest time. We used to talk about everything, including his relationships and the girls he’s into, and all that jazz.

Some months ago, while I was asleep, he saw a notification on my lock-screen that was queer-related, and early the next morning, he dumped the three-word question on me.

“Are you gay?”

I hadn’t seen that coming, and I felt ambushed. However, remembering that we’re brothers who have a good relationship, a relationship that has seen us go through thick and thin together and stayed close, I figured my sexuality wouldn’t be the death of our closeness.

So I came out to him.

That turned out to be a really big mistake.

He flew into a rage, ranting and cursing and full of such homophobia that I never thought him capable of harbouring. I tried to calm him down and beseech his sense of brotherhood, but all this guy had to say to me at the end of it all was that he’d give me till the end of the year, and if I hadn’t changed by then, he would out me.

My brother, the person I loved and who I thought loved me, looked me dead in the eye and gave me such a wicked ultimatum.

I couldn’t believe it.

As the months passed, we didn’t talk about what happened. And soon, it began to look like all was right with the world.

Till he did something two days ago that let me know that he was far from forgetting what happened. And that he was serious with his intentions.

Now, since that incident months ago, I had reset my phone so my notifications wouldn’t show on my lock-screen. And I became very cautious with my phone, ensuring that it was always locked whenever I wasn’t using it. However, I woke up yesterday morning, and when I unlocked my phone, it was to see a notification saying that my WhatsApp had been logged into using another device, a Linux operating system, through the WhatsApp web feature. Knowing that my brother is the only one I know with a Linux OS on his laptop, I knew it had to be him.

Even if I doubted that it was him, my suspicion was cemented into certainty when I was preparing for work and he came to me and made some cryptic remark about how he wanted to apologize beforehand. I have no idea what he was apologizing for, but I didn’t let on to him that I knew he had found his way into my WhatsApp. I simply logged him out and proceeded to clear all possible incriminating data from my phone.

However, I am afraid that he may have already screenshot some of my chats unto his laptop and intends to show them to our folks as evidence when he decides to out me.

But the thing is, even if I call his bluff and dare him to go ahead, my family is so not ready for this kind of news. My sister just failed an exam and is still downcast about it. My other sister is battling marital problems, and a third is suffering the cloud of childlessness in her home. Then my mother is ill and has been on heavy medication, while my father is struggling with a family business that has taken a major hit because of the pandemic.

I have tried talking to my brother about his plans to no avail. He is adamant with his ultimatum and is so blinded by his homophobia, that he doesn’t see how much damage his outing will cause our family, how there might be a ripple effect that will affect not just me and my closet but everyone else’s well-being in the family. All through yesterday, I wasn’t able to eat and my already high blood pressure has been through the roof.

Plus, I am the first son of an Igbo family. So you can imagine the grand scale of this Pandora’s Box my brother wants to open.

Please, I need advice on how to handle this. I really, really need your help and guidance on how to take care of this situation.

Please help me.

Submitted by Danté

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35 Comments

  1. Mitch
    October 02, 07:44 Reply

    One simple piece of advice:

    Poison the fucker!!!!

    Not enough to kill him.
    Just enough to leave him having stomach pains for a very long time. While he’s suffering that, offer to be the one caring for him. Your family is already stressed out so they’d jump on the opportunity.

    Now, while you’re caring for him, take that time to drop some thinly-veiled hints of how much worse you’d be able to hurt him if he should dare out you. He’d be sick, his defenses down, so your words repeatedly coming to him would scare the bejesus out of him.

    And, while you’re at it, find his laptop and search through it, both on the laptop and online, for any traces of screenshots taken from your WhatsApp. You find any, delete them. If you don’t, find a way to introduce a virus into the system that’d wipe it clean.

    And, if he ever considers outing you again after he’s gotten better, rinse and repeat steps 1 – 3.

    You’re welcome.

    • Mandy
      October 02, 07:56 Reply

      LOL! You are so bloodthirsty. Jeez.

      • Mitch
        October 02, 10:06 Reply

        😂😂😂😂😂😂
        Somebody once called me “the angry black queer.” I’m just living up to the name, plis.

      • Mitch
        October 02, 10:05 Reply

        I will bite you😂😂😂
        Yeye man

  2. Zoar
    October 02, 07:54 Reply

    How old is this your Brother?

    And did you atleast tell him how Sexualities work? That it wasn’t on your own doing to just stop it abruptly the way he’s asking you to?

    If he has any sense left with him then these sort of things shouldn’t be very difficult to understand except he’s a jackass. Sorry for my Choice of words for your brother but I just can’t wrap my hands around the whole brouhaha he wants to cause for an already challenged family who have lots of stuffs they’re all dealing with. Like who does that?

    Did you kill someone that he’s not forthcoming with his understanding? This is ridiculous.

    If you have a close friend who is also Queer and who is either a lawyer, Doctor or someone “Responsible” in the face of the society that can talk to him and he’ll listen to him. I think you should do that and see where this would lead to before you try another means.

    • Mandy
      October 02, 07:57 Reply

      Sometimes, homophobia doesn’t let people see anything beyond their own self righteousness.

    • Peaches
      October 02, 21:26 Reply

      My two piece, sit that boy and tell it to him as you have told it to us. He might have his head neck deep into the clouds to see that there are other issues needing dire attention to salvage other than your sexual preferences. If he insists he must, brace yourself and let him do as he pleases. Don’t EVER grovel time him.
      Parents will be sad, things would be said, worse you will be sent out of the house and get a rough ride, but you will be free, at peace with yourself when you sleep. But I know one person who will have all of that hanging on his conscience for a really long time. Him.

  3. Lopez
    October 02, 08:07 Reply

    Dante, you are who you are and can’t change that, but your brother ( whom you love so much) is giving you ultimatum to change. No matter how long it takes he’s going to out you, if him outing you is going to mess with your family situation then that’s on him not you. I know it’s difficult, but you have to stand for yourself, he’s not paying your bills I assume, so the heck, Tell him to go ahead and out you. Trust me, one or two of that family members will accept you. If that brothers’ homophobia is clouding his judgement of what the relationship between the two of you should be because you’re gay, it will be easier to end that relationship now, because twenty years from now you’re going to be gay as fuck, are you willing to keep worrying about who is not willing to accept you? Just prepare yourself for the worst now.
    Another angle is may be his apology is because he has seen something on your WhatsApp that made him realised he is wrong, but we are not sure, so you can ask him what he was apologising for. Even this way, it was very wrong of him to invade your privacy, make him understand that.
    Do yourself a favor and stop acting you’re wrong in this situation, because you’re not. So stand up and confront that little, ignorant, insolent, invasive bitch.

  4. Mandy
    October 02, 08:10 Reply

    Finished reading this, and I can actually imagine how trapped and frustrated you must feel, because I don’t know what right way to suggest for you to take. I tried to imagine myself in this position and think what I’d do: and I saw two possible things you can do.

    But first, for whatever line of action you decide to take, you have to do yourself a favour: accept that you will be outed. Accept that this is something that will likely happen and it will help you be emotionally prepared for it.

    Now, after this acceptance, if it were me, I would call my brother’s bluff. Simply tell him that if he decides to out you, then he should go right ahead. Bring up to him once again the fact that your family is embattled, especially your parents and their state of mind and how they can’t handle the news. Get grim; tell him that he stands the risk of sending your parents to an early grave if he decides to go ahead with his wickedness. Do not mince words. Tell him ugly words, like him being “wicked” and a potential “killer”. If he has so much of a stone heart that he decides to go ahead with this, then accept it and let it happen. You can’t stop him. You can only manage the fallout.

    And when he does, you can either own your truth and tell your family, very apologetically that you don’t mean to do this to them, but that this is who you are, and that it doesn’t change the fact that you’ve been the best kind of son they’ve always had.

    Or you can DENY, DENY, DENY!!! I can’t stress this enough. It doesn’t matter whatever screenshot your brother may or may not have collected. DENY!!! Deny with fury and indignation. Get really mad. Get offended. Act insulted. You’re the first child. Use that authority. Demand to know how dare your brother will disrespect you like this. If he produces the screenshots, make sure to point out that doctored photos are a thing.

    Fortunately parents usually like the option of denial when faced with unpleasantness like this. So you play up to that. DENY and they will accept to be in denial. Especially since they can’t spare any emotional space for this what with the actual issues they are having to deal with. In fact, if you play this right, your brother will likely be the one to come out of this a villain.

    • Bliss
      October 04, 10:16 Reply

      You’re right. The two options seems good.
      Biko just take one or two if u know or suspect when he wants to out you, so that you can shout or be violence, as in more violence. You guys might even fight, and after that your parents will tell him to never accuse you again.
      Or you can accept that and face your family. At the end is their lost not yours

  5. Deji
    October 02, 08:40 Reply

    Number 1. Stop referring to him as “My brother”.
    Number 2. Don’t give him room for more evidence.
    Number 3. Don’t let him see your fear.
    Number 4. Try to find some dirt on him.
    Number 5. Que Sera Sera. Choose life, happiness and peace of mind in whatever decision you finally make

  6. Delle
    October 02, 09:59 Reply

    Danté, this is not your brother. I can’t imagine such hate from a supposed sibling abeg.

    I think accepting, mentally and emotionally, that this is a possibility that may come is a good step to dealing with this. Distance yourself from the bagger. Do not give him the satisfaction of seeing you cower. The idiot is feeding off on your fear!

    If and when he does eventually out you, I don’t know mehn but you could be silent all through and watch things play out. A very very cold silence that chills. He needs to be called out. Do some digging. Look him in the eye and disown him.

    That guy just got so hated by me eh and I don’t even know him. Na wa o.

    You’ll be fine. If you wanna talk, ask PP for my contact. You’re not alone 💕

  7. Absalom
    October 02, 10:51 Reply

    Tell him to fuck off and do his worst.

  8. Toke
    October 02, 11:11 Reply

    whilst you may be terrified by this turn of events.
    I have just two things to contribute:
    1. show no fear!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    2. pander to him to consider the frayed nature of the family. ( then let him be)

  9. Olutayo
    October 02, 11:12 Reply

    Stop begging him. Stop letting him see your fear. And tell him to do his worst.

    What an asshole.

    • Ar
      October 02, 19:46 Reply

      Sorry to hear about this. How old is your bro? And how old are you?
      U know ur bro more than anyone else. I feel U need to continue discussing with ur bro. It’s still new to him. He is processing a lot in his head. But u need to be firm in ur dissussion getting rid of fears. The discussion should be a continuous process. Ur success depends on how you handle ur discussion. U can watch some youtube videos on how to make an open discussion with someone.

  10. Terra
    October 02, 13:08 Reply

    He moves mad, you move madder. He has stuff on his laptop, you destroy his laptop. On his phone, you destroy his phone. Find a magnet, run it over his laptop at some point when it’s vulnerable or just “accidentaly” pour a bucket of water on his stuff. He wants to destroy your life, you should have no problem with destroying is things tbh.
    After that, threaten him with your mom’s condition. Let him understand that if anything happens to her, he did it and it is all his fault. And if all else fails, if you’re bigger than he is, you can resort to physical violence.
    Also, the poison thing may be another last resort. If you can get ipecac, it will make him puke his guts out. Just control the dose

    • Bliss
      October 04, 12:21 Reply

      ipecac is administered orally. Then how do you intend of making him take it.

  11. Pezaro
    October 02, 13:19 Reply

    Hian! Your own brother? Are you sure the clown is your brother? He apparently has no brotherly affection or respect for you as his elder brother, he lacks sense on this evidence too (I’m sorry to say)

    See Danté, don’t sit down there sulking and playing victim all day long. If he wants to be nasty, then two can also play. I won’t bother advising you to have peace talks with him, that’d be like water off duck’s back. The worst that would happen to you is that you’d be outed by him, even if that happens, it would still be his word against yours! You can always deny no matter the evidence he’s presenting.

    Speaking about evidence, if he shows any further sign that he’d make good on his threat, you have to go for the jugular! Quietly go to his system and format his local disk partitions! Yes, and you too ensure you rid your phone of any exhibit in case you’re asked to bring your phone for scrutiny.

    It’s a tough decision but you might have to cut ties with the fellow at the end of the day. I’m not promising that this would be fun all the way, expect the shock, embarrassment, bad blood that will come along with this, but bear in mind that no one, I repeat, no one! has the right to make you feel bad over what you have no control of.

    Best of luck.

  12. Raine
    October 02, 15:12 Reply

    My dear, you no longer have a brother, he is useless to himself & his existence, what are you waiting for, end him & pretend nothing happened or better still, tell him to do his worse, I sure know he will wish a trailer crushed him, if he happened to be my Bro… I am worse than the ancient serpent when I want to serve vengeance.

  13. Black Dynasty
    October 02, 17:30 Reply

    See, his power over you is entirely and completely based on the fact that you are afraid, he knows this and will continue.

    I can truly imagine the fear of being outed but frankly in your shoes i will eventually accept that i will be outed and proceed to tell him that he can go ahead and out me, but once he does that, he is dead to me. Any relationship or love we once had is dead and will never be forgiven, we would truly be done for.

    Make it clear and frankly brace yourself for what’s coming. You can also choose the route of complete and utter denial when (not if) he outs you.

    I don’t have much hope that he would change his mind anytime soon…however his laptop could get damaged… specially the hard drive and his phone could fall into the sink, toilet or a bowl of water carelessly placed left around.

  14. David Kamdili
    October 02, 18:35 Reply

    Sometimes saying “Go do your worst” is more effective than “Please don’t do this to me”

    1) You could tell him you’ve homosexual inclinations and not sexually active, to dowse his tensions. OR

    2) You could school with the facts that your family was in a very bad place, and he informing your folks as of now is adding salt to injury

  15. Queen of Queens
    October 02, 21:06 Reply

    Darling, forget about this brother. He probably envies your position as the first son, and is aiming for it. He might want the benefits of that position, but he may end up hating the responsibilities. Think positive, this should be a wake up call. Start planning for your independence and success with or without your family’s support. You answer to God, not humans.

  16. Ste
    October 03, 00:39 Reply

    Sorry to hear about your predicament. Since He gave you an ultimatum of year end to change. Then go ahead and prove to him you’ve changed. At least to buy yourself time to fully work on the situation. You’re processing a lot now in your head and you are bound to make mistakes. So prove the point to him while you still engage him with more meaningful conversations. U make check out youtube on how to engage in meaningful convo.

  17. chubbylover
    October 03, 04:38 Reply

    Disarm him with your calmness…..no threats, no denial, nothing. If you have to fake it, go on then….be bold, cool and calm!
    Don’t do anything sinister……your brother he still is, just that you got a proper prick in this one.

  18. Armani
    October 03, 07:46 Reply

    My dear, there are a few things u need to do. 1st I dont knw how a screenshot can be taken with the whatsapp web(I dont use it), but be that as it may, loosen d back of his system and uninstall his hard drive then take it and a system engineer, format it and reinstall it.(do this cos u may not be able to access his system to format the drive)
    2ndly, brace up to it and call his bluff and let him do his worse. If he outs u, simply deny the whole thing with every strength and bitterness in u.
    3rdly, withdraw every affection and care u gave him cos he does not deserve it.

  19. Chiedozie
    October 03, 19:02 Reply

    Sometimes all people like these need is a long enough rope to hang themselves. With everything happening in your family, if outing is his priority, then I don’t know that there’s anything you can do.
    Don’t beg. Don’t ask him to do or not do anything. Hard as it is, let the pieces fall where they may. What follows might surprise you, and if it doesn’t, at least you’ll have seen it coming.
    Sorry you have to deal with this.

  20. Bliss
    October 04, 10:51 Reply

    After reading, i thought to myself why can’t we have Olivia Pope fix this 😁
    First thing to do is to accept you’re in Crisis, if he does not expose you now, he will definitely do it later.
    He is your Younger Brother, you should know him better, reevaluate if talking sense to him will work and please do not use authoritative manner when talking to him.

    With his action after afterwards, you would know if he has evidence. Simply damage his laptop, phones, sim card, external hard disc beyond repair. I said beyond repair. If you can log in to his mail, you do that before destroying things.
    OR like someone suggested give him whatever to make him very very sick, (do not tell him you are the cause, after taking care of him, he will realise that no matter what you still cared for him, he will have to reconsider).

    Also, if outed, simply Deny it very aggressively that it might lead to fight (serious fight) or accept it but when you do this make sure you re independent.

    Crisis Management 101

  21. Nba
    October 19, 02:10 Reply

    I’m sure none of these suggestions are gonna help you .. but just watch him do whatever he likes, at the end it will pass. Stay strong Dante

  22. GOD QUEEN OF DRAGONS
    December 08, 13:12 Reply

    Reading through this has opened me to a clearity, that since your brother whom you love dearly and claims to love you will give you ultimatums like that, just know that weather now or later you will be outed by him or someone else.
    Thus brace yourself for the inevitable and don’t fight the stone else it will crush you up, just let it roll.
    Let everything unfold in its nature but know that you will come out smiling and your brother will be a villain forever in the eyes of everything and everyone never to be trusted with secrets.

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