Gay Man Feels Like He Doesn’t Belong to The Gay Community

Gay Man Feels Like He Doesn’t Belong to The Gay Community

Some gay people are perfectly fine with casual hookups, and some people are in lengthy relationships. But some, like this guy on Reddit, just can’t find themselves in between the two, and feel left out of the community – he wants a romantic, deep relationship – but the people he meets want a BJ.

“I’m 23, British and a gay male,” he writes. “I’ve only ever been in one relationship (which was highly abusive) and I lost my virginity at 20 (same guy). I ended the relationship with this guy about 2 years ago when I escaped and came back home to England (he was Italian).”

And from there, things never seemed to pick up. He says: “Leading up until that relationship, and now since, I’ve had very few gay friends or experiences of any guy showing any interest in me beyond a hook up.

“I’d say I’m a good looking guy, my friends and strangers always comment on me being good looking… I was scouted for modeling once. My friends always say when I go to clubs everyone is checking me out but I just don’t want a quick casual thing… I don’t know why I’m this way I just… Don’t want no strings, I’ve always wanted a relationship.

“This, in addition to the fact I’ve only ever been intimate with 1 guy, and only ever really got past first base with like 3 guys makes me feel really alien and rejected in a community which for the most part enjoys casual sex…

“I hate Grindr and that mentality (I don’t judge it, it’s just i don’t like doing it) and I really believe in and desire a long lasting, meaningful relationship with someone I could settle down with and maybe build a life with… Yet it seems that most other gay guys don’t want that and are put off by it.

“Every time I’ve even tried to get closer to a guy he’s expected a BJ on the first date or sex before we even get to know each other… I on the other hand want some cute date and a walk then maybe that first kiss in a romantic setting…

“Am I doomed to be alone forever…? Why don’t I fit in? What am I doing wrong…?”

The commenters on Reddit have offered some sound advice and support.

One of them responded: “How do you contribute to the gay community? If your only interaction is through apps and clubs, you are only going to be exposed to the hook up side. Try visiting an LGBT center or volunteering at PRIDE or joining a gay sports team. Get comfortable with being a part of the community without the expectation of finding the perfect boyfriend around every corner and you will start to feel like a part of it. It may take years, but you will develop friendships and perhaps even find someone you like.”

Another said: “I think you have a wrong perception of what the gay community is. I am just like you , just because the majority of gays do those things doesn’t mean that it’s the norm and you have to live by it. I also get frustrated and hopeless but I believe that one day I’ll find someone.”

Yet another Redditor said: “There are plenty of people like you and don’t get discouraged because you’re still young. Being gay already makes dating harder and the fact that the best ways to meet other gay guys are actually still terrible(Grindr, tinder etc,). Just keep working on you and the rest will follow eventually.”

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15 Comments

  1. ambivalentone
    August 13, 07:03 Reply

    Biko, do we have gay support centres in Nigeria/ While I may av met the intellect-stimulating, ‘take-home-to-mama’ husband materials on gay sites, seems to me we’ve more of sex crazed freaks and narcissitic idiots. And the other places u’d find is gyms and pools, and frankly they are more or less the same sort

    • Delle
      August 13, 10:11 Reply

      Yes, we do. There’s one in Lagos here. That’s where the Gay Sisters come to offer pink sacrifices unto the gay gods…

  2. bain
    August 13, 07:26 Reply

    I can relate,I haven’t dated any gay guy,buh if I do,I’ll want a long term thing,not just hookups………..gay community in Nigeria is actually growing ooh!

  3. Delle
    August 13, 09:45 Reply

    This is so me right now. In my case however, I feel the blame is more on me than the guys. Yes, many come strictly for ‘da body’ but then again, I’m not committed. I fear that I won’t be able to commit to a relationship the way I should. The way it’s meant to be. I mean, I want one. I want to have a man and not just someone with a dick…someone I’d see a heart in.

    I don’t call. Many a time, they’d do all the calling and eventually stop just because I never reciprocate. That, in itself, is a relationship killer. Severes even a budding one.
    I don’t know. I’ve begged on the witches in my town to loosen their grip on me to no avail.
    Then, I’m so choosy on who I want as a date. For flings, seeing as I just require the D, I’m hardly picky. But for a bf, the criteria boku. It’s funny how I’ve identified all my problems (they say it’s the first step to a solution, right?) but in my case…oh well.
    So sweetheart in the post, you are not alone. U prolly have huge lips (bj material).
    #ok_bye.

      • Delle
        August 13, 17:20 Reply

        Umm…you are wrong. I’m not a snob. Not at all. It’s funny how u’d come to such a confident conclusion when you don’t even know me. Such horrible attitude.
        Smh.

        • wondabuoy
          August 13, 22:59 Reply

          It’s not a horrible attitude. i deduced the same thing. If you were not a snub you won’t have to come back and type a reply. Come o, how do you people get notifications on comments here sef?

    • Truth
      August 13, 15:20 Reply

      Sadly there aren’t many gay friendly therapists around, because you sound like you could really use one.

      • Delle
        August 13, 17:22 Reply

        *rme*
        I don’t need any. I totally know what my problems are (nd also stated them above just in case you missed them in a hurry to slice at me). So why don’t you store your spite in a file cabinet.

  4. Mr. Fingers
    August 13, 11:23 Reply

    When people are so unfortunate to be in an abusive relationship and that relationship is their first it does a lot of damage.

    He really needs to deal with those issues first cos there are a lot of people on grindr and other social media platforms that want the same thing he is looking for but when they find it they cant even recognise it.

  5. Eddie
    August 13, 17:07 Reply

    totally feel his pain…most gay dudes just want NSA fuck sessions and then they’re off to the next willing hole (i’m bottom BTW)…what does a boy have to do to experience some romance?!

  6. Kerr
    August 13, 17:08 Reply

    This is my reality . But I take consolation on the last line of this post
    “Just keep working on you and the rest will follow eventually.”
    That says it all

  7. EDOM JOHN
    August 23, 23:43 Reply

    can someone tell me how many percent of Nigerian population are Gay by now

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