KD’s Fashion Police: The 73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards

KD’s Fashion Police: The 73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards

Hello guys, it is John Oceans again. Yes, the fairy one who shows up during the award season. PP previously asked me to review the fashion from the Headies, but after going through photos upon photos, I gave up as there was hardly any fashion worth talking about there. Nigerian celebs have been falling hands since forever. The gods however compensated me when the Golden Globes came around, and I died and went to fashion heaven!

Here is my take on the winners, the losers and the “well, not so bad”. Feel free to disagree!

*

THE WINNERS

JENNIFER LOPEZGG JLoJLO… More like Slay-lo! I like my JLo because she is a risk taker and wears some of the most difficult dresses to pull off. This look straddles the thin line between hot mess and hot dress, but I think she nailed it. The color is refreshing, her hair is refreshing as it wasn’t an up-do and the cape of the dress isn’t very typical, like Gwyneth Paltrow in that Dior. My girl slayed this look! I just wish she had skipped the diamonds, as it did nothing for this look. All round winner here though!

LADY GAGAGG Lady GagaThis woman was the one who sent me to my death which sent me to fashion heaven! I mean, when she came out onto the red carpet, I nearly dropped my beer! Ladies and gentlemen, ALL HAIL THE QUEEN!

Lady Gaga smashed it with a fashion hammer; she channeled old Hollywood/Marilyn Monroe and nailed it to perfection. She is very tiny so she can pull off a heavy fabric such as velvet. The color is perfect for her white-blonde hair and her minimal use of accessories is just the icing on the cake!

Don’t we love the new Gaga, who doesn’t look like an alien shipwrecked on earth? (BEST DRESSED NOMINEE)

TARAJI P. HENSONGG TarajiWhite is very hard to wear on the red carpet as it can easily go bridal, but this was a good one. I however wasn’t wowed by this look especially as the finishing of the dress wasn’t perfect. (Take a look at the bodice area). All in all, it was an okay look, and her minimal use of accessories was a winner!

On another note, I wasn’t happy she won over Viola.

JENNIFER LAWRENCEGG JLawTwo words: High fashion!

I would expect Diane Kruger or Solange to rock this dress, but I was stunned to see J.Law in it, and she was banging! Ladies and gentlemen, this is what an Oscar winner looks like! The color is gorg! The cut-outs are just perfect and the embellishment is wow (or is that a neck piece?) Way to go, girl! (BEST DRESSED NOMINEE)

LAVERNE COXGG Laverne CoxBow down, bishes!

An angel came down from heaven to attend the globes! End of discussion! (BEST DRESSED NOMINEE)

QUEEN LATIFAHGG Queen LatifahI love it when a butch lesbian lady embraces her femininity! The color is spectacular, the embellishments are just amazing! This is how you dress when you are plus-sized and still want to look glamorous! Yo Latifah, retain this stylist please.

CATE BLANCHETGG Cate BlanchettLadies and gentlemen, let’s observe a minute of silence because the queen of the Seven Galaxies has just arrived! *bows head for a minute*

I screamed when I saw her. Cate is a woman after my fashion heart! How one person manages to look glamorous ALL THE TIME in the most difficult-to-pull-off dresses amazes me! This is the queen! No questions asked! I’m sorry, what did you say? Bey-what? *sprays Mortein* (BEST DRESSED NOMINEE)

DENIS O’HAREGG Denis-OHareI was going to shout, “Ehen! This is what I am talking about!” And then I saw his shoes! Let me just waka pass maka ndi political correctness. Dennis and co will come and speak English now about masculine stereotypes!

Speaking about DM, na your namesake o. You better start werking shoes like this to werk!

BRAD GORESKIGG Brad GoreskiYum-yum! The velvet completely works! He upped the ante! (BEST DRESSED NOMINEE)

Bhet wait fest, he is a stylist, abi? Why is he at the Globes?

HARRISON FORD AND CALISTA FLOCKHARTGG Harrison Ford and CalistaSomething about this couple makes me very happy; and they are my best couple of the night. Okay, maybe for reasons other than fashion.

JASON SUDEIKISGG Jason SudeikisI am sure you guys know that any man who rocks sneaks on the red carpet and who pulls it off is a man after my fashion heart. This is a winner for me!

BRYSHERE Y. GRAYGG BryshereI love the patterns in black on the black tux! The length of his pants is just perfect, which is something a lot of men always fail in! He should hire the stylist who did this! (BEST DRESSED NOMINEE)

NATALIE DORMERGG Natalie DormerHelen of Troy came to the Globes – oh wait, it’s Natalie Dormer! The Grecian look is always a winner and she looks refreshing. The dress did all the talking as she kept her hair and accessories minimal. This is clearly a woman who knows that less is more! (BEST DRESSED NOMINEE)

BRIE LARSONGG brie LarsonHOT! HOT!! HOT!!! Young Hollywood should take a page from her fashion book.

*

THE “WELL NOT SO BAD”

EVA LONGORIAGG Eva LongoriaI was gonna shout slay. Then I looked at the fit of the dress and I wasn’t impressed anymore! It’s either she didn’t do a fitting or she lost weight after her last fitting. Just look at the upper part of a dress and see how she truncated her chance to be on the best dressed list! Such a gorgeous dress, and you had to ruin it, eh Eva?

KATY PERRYGG Katy PerryEhn! Just okay! Fits like a glove and I like the Cleopatra-inspired hair! Forgive my ignorance, but as a singer who’s not nominated, why again is she at the Globes?

ROONEY MARA73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - ArrivalsBeautiful dress in a wrong color! Completely washed her out! Very underwhelming!

EMILIA CLARKEGG EmiliaOh look, its Morticia Adams! NEEEEEEEEEEXT!

JANE FONDAGG Jane FondaTake a deep breath, John. Jane Fonda can do no wrong! We will pretend like she doesn’t look like she is attending a wedding in Jupiter! We love Jane! She can do no wrong!

GINA RODRIGUEZGG GinaI am sure you can afford an electric iron, darling. Don’t embarrass yourself like this next time!

AMY SCHUMERGG Amy SchumerFrom her size, you know she is always eating. So my guess is that she plans to hide some food inside her dress to smuggle home! Which explains the choice of this dress.

LUPITA NYONG’OGG LupitaNow this was a dress that was received with a lot of mixed feelings! Everybody was kind of underwhelmed with this look because we all thought Lupita would slam with a fashion hammer. I actually don’t hate this dress; prints are really in and I think that with her body structure, she could pull off the ruffling going on in the upper part of the dress.

The color works for her, but sadly this is not a Golden Globes dress; maybe a film premiere or the People’s Choice Awards. This was not a hit, but neither is it a miss. And Lupita darling, you need to have a conversation with your hair stylist!

KEVIN HART73rd Annual Golden Globe Awards - ArrivalsHe would have been my best dressed guy if not for the fit of the jacket. If you akpanize yourself so much, at least have the decency to buy a new wardrobe to go with your akpanized frame. If he bends over, that jacket will rip to shreds.

*

THE LOOSERS

VIOLA DAVISGG Viola*sigh*

This is what happens when it is your daughter’s igba nkwu, and you have to wear lace, but you don’t wanna tie wrapper like all those village old women, so you come up with this, in case they don’t know you are a city woman. I don’t even know where to start honestly. This looks like something Eniola Badmus would wear! 2015 was her year, she was nominated, and THIS is what she chose to wear? TO THE GLOBES?!

This dress ages her by at least 20 years, and the color is not flattering on her; not even all the diamonds on this dress can save her. Viola needs a new stylist; it has been one red carpet disaster after the other! (WORST DRESSED NOMINEE)

ZENDAYA COLEMANGG ZendayaShe is a fun fashion girl and she takes a lot of risks, but honestly, to me, this one fell flat on its face. She looks like those supporting pillars that hold up tents at Nigerian weddings and have fabric bunched up around them.

Sorry darling, but this does not werk for me!

UZO ADUBAGG Uzo AdubaTo wear sequins, you have to be really skinny, else it will overwhelm you (someone please send that message to Omotola Jalade Ekheinde). This dress makes Uzo look even fatter, and her ministry of waist trainers is making her look uncomfortable. What look was she aiming for really? The devil learns to fly? And her hair, was she attacked by a pack of wolves before the event?

Nne, I am sorry that you are Nigerian and Igbo just like me, mana MBA!

MELISSA MCCARTHYGG MelissaOkay, so I think Melissa burnt her initial dress while ironing it and since she was running late, she unrolled the leftover wrapping from Christmas, made it into a dress and threw it on. I cannot for the life of me figure out how somebody would wear something as ridick as this to the Globes, except of course her stylist is her husband’s side chick! (WORST DRESSED NOMINEE)

JULIANNE MOOREGG JulianneIs she practicing suicide? Sensei, you may need to look into this! #PotentialPatientHere

REGINA KINGGG ReginaNne, who did you like this? Mammy water meets Karashika! Two words: HOT MESS!

GIULIANA RANCICGG GiulianaLast year, she was a pea hen! What is she this time? The scare crow from Orange County? The problem with Giuliana is Giuliana. Nothing she wears will ever work. The girl just does not have the IT factor! She should stop trying! (WORST DRESSED NOMINEE)

KATE HUDSONGG Kate HudsonThis is certainly not a Golden Globes dress; can I even call this a dress? Remember those days in secondary school when we did cultural dance? Isn’t this what the girls wore? Who styles some of these people bikonu? (WORST DRESSED NOMINEE)

HEIDI KLUMGG HeidiLast year she was big bird. As if that was not enough, this year she decides to be a porcupine! This girl needs to fire her entire glam squad and eat some Mushin Amala abeg! (WORST DRESSED NOMINEE)

DAVID OYELOWOGG David OyelewoI am all about men playing with color and all, but you certainly don’t make a tuxedo out of my secondary school boarding house day wear and expect me to clap for you! Mbanu! My god will not forgive me! (WORST DRESSED NOMINEE)

WIZ KHALIFA AND MOMGG Wiz Khalifa*sigh*

What can I say? Do not smoke pot with your mom and still attend an event with her all in one day. They look like they just left the Salvation Army halfway house.

*

At the end of the day, my Best Dressed Female is a tie between Cate Blanchet and Lady Gaga! And my Worst Dressed Female is Melissa McCarthy! I honestly don’t know what she was thinking!

My Best Dressed Male is Denis O’Hare. I’m sorry but any man who pulls off heels on the red carpet like that has won my heart (please argue with your ancestors). And my Worst Dressed Male is David Oyelowo! Nna, please return FGC Okigwe’s day-wear to them!

Guys, let me know your thoughts!

Toodles!

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  1. Mandy
    January 14, 06:29 Reply

    @Uzo Aduba, Ndi nne, mamma!!! 😀
    Erm wait fest, how come Jane Fonda with all that umbrella she’s carrying in front of her is in the ‘Oh well’ list and Julianne Moore, looking so sleek, is in the losers list, eh Mr. Oceans?

    • Max 2.0
      January 14, 07:46 Reply

      You people are not nice at all ???

  2. façade
    January 14, 06:34 Reply

    John ocean never disappoints, whenever I see his post, I just rush down to the losers cos that’s where the fun is. Oh ma lawd

    • Mandy
      January 14, 06:43 Reply

      I know right. I’m still recovering from the dig at Viola Davis. Kai. John Oceans, you can like to bring the shade of darkness on KD.

      • Zol
        January 14, 21:35 Reply

        Viola Davis looked something like a decapitated christmas tree, tbh.

  3. Kenny
    January 14, 06:40 Reply

    My best dressed female of course is Lady Gaga, best dressed male is Brad Goreski. Worst dressed people are just too many here, I can’t pick.

  4. Kenny
    January 14, 06:41 Reply

    And I saw that shade o….. Somewhere in the slums of Lagos

    • Mandy
      January 14, 06:44 Reply

      It wasn’t even subtle. LMAO!

  5. #TeamKizito
    January 14, 06:56 Reply

    Gaga. Cookie. JLaw. Muah!

    Katy was presenting. For her it was all ’bout that hair. Tsk.

    (Where’s that man that was hyping Eva Longitude? :>
    )

    Viola: Ikeja Sugar Mummy.

    I think Regina looked glamorous.

    The guy behind David though. Hmmm.
    I think Dwayne Johnson was the worst dressed male.

    • Pink Panther
      January 14, 07:25 Reply

      Ikeja Sugar Mummy. Hahahahahahahaa! So many KDians are going hell, aswear.

  6. Dennis Macaulay
    January 14, 07:22 Reply

    John Oceans? I should werk heels to werk abi? How will you make heaven?

    Meanwhile that guy from Empire is really fine ooo! His facial structure is giving me life!

    Mushin amala? You tried! But we did not miss it

  7. Deola
    January 14, 07:39 Reply

    I think the Lupita dress was from the previous golden globe, the 72nd one, not the 73rd one that just passed.

  8. Max 2.0
    January 14, 07:50 Reply

    “From her size, you know she is always eating. So my guess is that she plans to hide some food inside her dress to smuggle home! Which explains the choice of this dress.”

    Oh and Viola’s Shade too.. 😂😂😂😂

    Have some mercy..

    Jlo is my best dressed and female and Bryshere Gray is my best dressed male. And that’s judging from the pics, since I haven’t seen the golden globes..

  9. Teflondon
    January 14, 07:58 Reply

    I was going to chim in my opinion and also endorse this post.. But then I changed my mind. Hope you and your fellow Diva wannabes have a fun-filled day. Let me leave this to the ladies to argue this one out.

  10. Sheldon Cooper
    January 14, 08:47 Reply

    I’m surprised that Kate Winslet, Jade Pinkett Smith, Amy Adams, Jaimie Alexander, Jamie Fox didn’t make it to your list.

    To Kate Hudson’s defence, that dress really looked sexy from behind. And Eva Longoria really looked great in motion at the red carpet. This still picture didn’t do justice to her.

    I practically closed my ears with my palms so I don’t hear Taraji’s spine snapping when she was posing for the cameras.

    Giuliana should have saved the red dress she wore before this orange mess for the last.

  11. #Chestnut
    January 14, 09:29 Reply

    Oga John, I like Amy shumer’s dress o(there’s something about a full skirt with pockets…)
    I love viola davis, I love her so much,but it pains me to admit that dat dress looks like something Ita-Giwa would rock…*in kizito’s voice* “Annalise why nau? Why nau,Annalise” *sobs*
    J.lo slayed (my best dressed),I like that she didn’t show as much skin as usual (I have nothing against skin o,but she’s getting more mature nah; she should leave breast and ass for the kids).
    Katy Perry’s breastisies in dat pix sha! I never noticed…
    I feel like Lupita has worn this dress b4…

    I see my “naija pips” representing up there *bites into gala and sips d booze* (David and Uzo,how u doin?)…#OkBye

  12. Lothario
    January 14, 10:26 Reply

    Lol… John Oceans you’re such a clown. I agree with most of your critique… It’s not like I know any better though….

  13. Reo
    January 14, 10:38 Reply

    Okay this review is spot on. Nice job but I’m a fan of Kate Hudson’s dress, especially from the back. It’s unconventional and she did pull it off.

  14. posh6666
    January 14, 11:04 Reply

    Lol u guys really need to stop bullying Tef. I dont think jlo is a risk taker at all just like Sofia Vergara their looks has always been the same style jlo the signature gown with very long slit to show legs,Sofia the same boobs exposing really tight gown to show her curves.

    Rihana,Lady Gaga,Angelina Jolie,Onika Minaj those are risk takers honestly Jlo is very boring and predictable.

  15. posh6666
    January 14, 11:16 Reply

    The guy with the heels so nice! I really wish a day will come when I can just wear my 12inch heels and just sashay on the street just for the fun of it.Eva longoria really looked better on the red carpet just a bad pics.Guiliana Rancic never gets it right maybe its her anorexic frame that makes it so difficult.

    • Dennis Macaulay
      January 14, 12:06 Reply

      Shall we give Guilliana Amala from a certain part of lagos too?

      • posh6666
        January 14, 12:16 Reply

        Oga Dennis i’m a nicer person this year???

  16. Brian Collins
    January 14, 12:49 Reply

    Lady Gaga was my best. She killed the look. What was that mushroom thingy Zendaya wore? And how is Katy Perry not in the loosers list, that dress was a bad fit (see the bust area) and that hair, kent even describe it. Jamie Foxx was the man crush of the night. But seriously David Oyelowo wore that thing? And Uzo Aduba was not a loser for me.

  17. Eyekay
    January 14, 12:55 Reply

    OMG…. May God bless you for this.. None you will live long.. you made my morning… lmaoooo… Uzo Aduba sha… And Viola needs help.. serious one.

  18. Delle
    January 14, 13:19 Reply

    Lol at the Bey shade, I couldn’t pass over that! Jeez, what was that Viola wore?! Maybe that was why she lost to Taraji, who would someone dressed in that to come on stage?!
    Oh well…

    I want to get married 2 Breyshere!

  19. posh6666
    January 14, 13:40 Reply

    Oh and Laverne Cox is also someone to watch out for she’s yet to make any fashion faux pas even according to E! Fashion police

  20. KingBey
    January 14, 14:54 Reply

    Lady Gaga was my best dressed female.

  21. Zol
    January 14, 21:32 Reply

    Huh, John Oceans, child, hold up now….

    The shade of it all was definitely brought today, lol. But I honestly dont think you can say anyone was a hot mess, I mean, its a the freaking Golden Globes, I think people will think twice before showing up like they had a blind stylist or something.

    Like Regina King, well, obviously, its wasn’t like very nice or hot couture or anything of that sort, but it def wasn’t a hot mess. Looks like something Nene Leakes would wear out to dinner.

    And Kate Hudson, “worst dressed nominee, you can’t call that a dress”, child, I will cut you. Tbh, She’s bae. That dress was honestly spot on for me, did you see the back of the dress, I’m sure you didn’t, girl bye!

    And I think the picture of Lupita Nyongo that you have isn’t from the recent Golden Globes, so, check that.

    And Lady Gaga, the Queen, perfection, well except that hair, makes her look older than her age for me and dont gimme all that channelling ancient Hollywood glamour ish, I’m sure something better could’ve been done.

    Laverne Cox, LOVE!

    All in all, good critics, should’ve mentioned Kirsten Dunst too, her boys were on display, I love those boys.

    That’s it, Bye.

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