RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN (Entry 38)

RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN (Entry 38)

Something funny happened a while back and I thought I should share with you guys. I went on a short trip with my friends to South Western Nigeria; we stayed at this beautiful idyllic resort and it was magical. Hiking was part of the trip (which of course was my idea because #TeamFitFam).

So while we were on the hiking trip with a tour guide, we came upon a shrine which had an ancient history. My love for antiques and all things old of course got the better of me, and I insisted that we enter the shrine and look around. My friends were a bit hesitant as it was a shrine dedicated to a particular Yoruba deity. But I maintained that we enter just to take pictures, and they reluctantly agreed.

The priests and priestesses were around and they were very pleasant and welcoming (clearly they were used to receiving visitors). My friends huddled at the door while I bravely went in with a camera. I zinged them that when they are on holiday in Europe, they don’t have any qualms with entering temples and sacred sites, now that it is Africa, they are suddenly afraid of juju. One of them quipped that the demons in Europe are nicer.

Eventually the priestess offered to make a prayer for me and asked me to drop an offering into her basket and make a wish, which she would pray over, and which would come to pass. I did not have any cash, so I ran back to the door and collected five hundred naira from my friend. I placed it in the woman’s basket and flat-out told her I wanted a boyfriend who would be loyal to me. Neither she nor the tour guide acted like they heard something out of the ordinary (later the tour guide said they receive a lot of foreigners at the shrine, so I put two and two together). She prayed for me in Yoruba, and then told me to look out for someone that was in my life before, who would come back again, and that it would be better this time. I did a mental glance of my ex-list and hoped it would be one particular person. Soon, we left.

Clearly the deity scammed me because Uncle Dennis is still single. However, that my friend who gave me the money reconnected with his ex-boyfriend from university, and they are going strong. Someone jokingly said to me that since it was him who provided the money, that perhaps the blessings from the said deity went to him instead.

Oh well.

***

I was at a dinner with some of my friends who are all gay and we were chatting about stuff; from cute boys we like to pop culture and to Kito Diaries. Then someone mentioned this guy who just moved to Port Harcourt from Ibadan, and how he was interesting and how he shared many hobbies with me, and how he wanted to set us up on a date. He said the guy was 37, and before I could say anything, one of my busy body friends said, “Too old. Don’t waste your time. Dennis likes his men younger.”

I laughed because this wasn’t the first time someone was saying such a thing about me. In all fairness though, I have fanned this conviction by letting on that I like younger men somewhat especially in the comments section of KD. I have talked about Denola Grey, Max (the bisch), Korede Baby and recently Tekno (*face suddenly feeling hot* Focus, Dennis, focus). So it only follows for one to think that this is the only category of men (yes they are men, shut up JArch) that I am attracted to.

However that is not the case. I also have crushes on Ibe Kachikwu (ask Google) and Osita Chidoka (ask Google again) amongst some other older men.

Most of the men I have dated have been younger than me, and as much as I still like some older men, there is a reason why I haven’t dated any. I have a very strong personality. I am a choleric person, who likes to be in charge at all times. I can be very intense. I generally like to have my way, and I can be quite bossy, a character trait I am seriously trying to downplay. The few times I have tried to date older men, it was a disaster; they tried to mold me into a version that suited them, which I wasn’t going to have. I believe in respecting my boyfriend because you are my boyfriend and not because you are an “elder”, so we cannot be arguing about something and midway you will tell me that “we are not mates, don’t raise your voice at me.”

I did try to make it work those times, but after a few tries I gave up. They just did not work for me, as many of them like younger men that they can mold and I don’t think the material I am made of is very malleable. With younger men, it is very easy especially if they are very mature (which is always a plus), and in all fairness, many of them let me have my way a lot, which I like. I also try very hard not to do the things I don’t like older people doing to me, and I think it’s so far so good.

So yes, I do like older men. I think Colossus is attractive and I think Chestnut can totally get it. You know what they say about life and variety being the spice of it.

***

I was enjoying a lazy evening when I saw my sister’s call (We shall call her HK). I wasn’t keen on answering, because even though she was my closest sibling, we had been fighting a lot recently. I hoped she would call just once and I could pretend to have missed it, but she persisted and I had to pick at the fourth ring.

HK: Hello Dennis, how are you?

Me: I am fine, thank you.

HK: Are you friends with Bosun (not real name) the activist?

Me: Yes, why?

HK: You were on Nairaland defending him?

Me: Nairaland? I don’t even have a Nairaland account and I rarely use that website.

At first, I was bewildered by her question of me defending Bosun on Nairaland. But then it was soon cleared. Whenever I am bored or less busy, one of my favorite past times is to head over to Bosun’s instagram and hacking down homophobes. Apparently, a Nairalander took a screenshot of an instagram photo from his page and posted on Nairaland along with the comments caught in the photo, and my sister in her typical busybody ways saw my handle there and came to vent.

HK: So are you friends with Bosun?

Me: I already told you we are friends.

HK: You know he is gay ba? And the bible says –

I interrupted her with a loud laugh.

HK: What is funny?

Me: What is very funny is that you think you can tell a twenty-nine-year-old man who his friends should be, like it’s very cute and funny at the same time. Bosun is my friend and his choices are none of your business, even if you think that his choices do not meet up to your “moral standards”. Meanwhile talking about friends and their choices, Ijeoma your friend is having an affair with a married man with three kids and it has not stopped you from being her friend. Your brother-in-law is a yahoo-yahoo boy, but you still get along with him just fine. You even accept gifts from him for your kids. So are we having double standards here or you just chose not to see some things?

I knew I had her at this point, when all I could hear over the phone was mostly heavy breathing.

HK: Anyway, you know everything na, down to where they will bury you. And you are always right. Do as you please.

Me: Well, you are right about that, except I want to be cremated (chuckling now).

HK: We are not done with this conversation.

And she hung up!

Honestly family can be burden sometimes.

See you guys next week.

DM

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DEAR STRAIGHT PEOPLE

Dear Straight People I really do not understand some of you people. You really don’t have to be an LGBT ally, I swear. You don’t. Please if you aren’t, do

54 Comments

  1. Kester
    January 13, 07:24 Reply

    For some reason I can’t explain I had a woodie while reading about your banter with your sister. I am sure my thought process started with…. where can I kiss you? If it has reached….. where can I fuck you? it’s entirely your fault for being such a smart mouth (and we all know how smart mouths can use their mouths for better purposes)
    Point is I wish I had such sharp wit for repartees. I usually remember what I should have said when the moment is lost, it’s like you had an answer and was just waiting patiently for when she will ask the question.
    Brava!!!!!

    • Dennis Macaulay
      January 13, 07:35 Reply

      My dear if you deal with this my sister regularly, you have to be one step ahead ooo!

      Babe is too sharp!

  2. bruno
    January 13, 07:25 Reply

    of course, the deity ignored you. homosexuality is against our values and “traditions” ??

    • Dennis Macaulay
      January 13, 07:36 Reply

      Lol abeg leave that thing! Some deities in yoruba mythology have questionable sexuality!

        • Dennis Macaulay
          January 13, 09:26 Reply

          1. Sango was described as a “beautiful man” who dressed like a woman, had his hair braided and accessorised like a woman. Something his priests still do till date.

          2. Esu is neither male nor female; a deity without a gender.

          3. Obatala is very subtle, emotional and sexual

          4. Oya and Yemoja showed a certain romantic affinity for one another.

          • ambivalentone
            January 13, 09:45 Reply

            Wow!!! Just wow!!! Get ur facts straight. He only took on that hair-style because of his love for Oya. Its d same as anyone would call his/her god beautiful…even if he were the ugliest of the pantheon
            Esu is androgynous, ambivalent, bipolar…not particularly sticking to one concept. Efficient as a trickster.
            Oya and Yemoja romantic affinity? Obatala sensual? Don’t do this please

            • Dennis Macaulay
              January 13, 09:54 Reply

              Sweetheart the way to counter information is with more information. I did not exist of course in time past, but I would have expected you to ask me to reference the sources of my information.

              Yoruba culture research has danced around these facts for ages, but some researchers have actually boldly stated what they uncovered as regards the sexuality of some deities.

              I wish Bisi will come in here, this is his forte!

              • ambivalentone
                January 13, 12:00 Reply

                I hope whatever references u have quoted av their sources in Odu Ifa.. Thar shii might be lengthy and disjointed, but it gives u the stories of each diety in detail. So, my dear, I’m sorry, what are your references?

  3. Brian Collins
    January 13, 07:26 Reply

    This gave me so much joy. The shrine part mostly and the response you gave to your sis….you go man.
    Although, I was expecting you to say that Mrs Macaulay was back. Or at least Korede Bello regained his spot on your imaginary boos’ list.

    • Dennis Macaulay
      January 13, 07:37 Reply

      Mrs Macaulay?

      *sigh*

      While we are (still) pretending that you don’t know me and what exactly happened, that ship sailed…….and sank! TWICE

  4. Kester
    January 13, 07:28 Reply

    OAN :next time carry money to pay for your wishes, ha ha haha haha haha haha haha I laughed at that. I suppose he who has the cash deserves the stash (prophecy)

  5. drizzle
    January 13, 07:40 Reply

    Did u return the money to ur friend?
    that Shit is funny.

    Your sister tho, something tells me she will go and prepare well for u.

    • Dennis Macaulay
      January 13, 08:09 Reply

      Come to think of it, I didn’t return the money ooo! Maybe that’s why the blessing went to him

  6. Francis
    January 13, 08:03 Reply

    African demons are the worst. ?????

    So we are not just persistent but bossy as well. Explains a lot. Lol. Na “matured” old man you dey find be that not the ones with ndi village mentality.

    I don’t pray to ever have this kain “confrontation” with my sister as I may be forced to throw something she’s no proud of in her face and I’d feel like shit afterwards ?

  7. ikhines
    January 13, 08:13 Reply

    From ibadan to ph. One person comes to mind though…

  8. Kester
    January 13, 08:55 Reply

    @bruno you may be surprised at how much Yoruba deities understand homosexuality. I hear that there is a rain making ritual in ikorodu involving young men dancing naked in a secluded part of the palace of the oba himself. They wank each other and themselves until as they cum, it rains.
    OK no penetration is involved but who knows what happens during the after party?
    Also most of the deities like DM said have questionable sexualities and in some folklores prove to be bisexual. Isn’t it ogun abi sango that has braided hair centuries before it became fashionable for males to do so?

    • Brian Collins
      January 13, 09:02 Reply

      Izzalie!!!!!! Ehm……..does one have to be an indigene to partake in the ritual. #AskingForDennis(really)

    • bruno
      January 13, 12:49 Reply

      oh the mental image!

      does this still take place? do they allow spectators? i would like to watch that… as an observer for research purposes, of course ??

  9. keredim
    January 13, 09:00 Reply

    “European demons are nicer”??????????

    That got me.

    Re your sister: I really wanted to know what “the Bible says…….” And I think you may have missed an opportunity to open the closet door a bit.

    Entertaining as always.

  10. Kester
    January 13, 09:16 Reply

    Lol @bruno you do have to be from ikorodu but we can form our very own rain making club can’t we?

  11. Promise4all
    January 13, 09:33 Reply

    That god is very compassionate and just. It had to bless you friend who loaned you cash to sow on his behalf without repaying.

    U really kick ur sista with Navy boot for mouth.

  12. Colossus
    January 13, 10:00 Reply

    I think you’re making a mistake by thinking the gods didn’t grant you your wish because it was not your money. The gods didn’t grant you that wish because the exes on your list was long, really long. No God got time to go through all that.

    In one sentence, I and Chestnut were called Old attractive men. I don’t know whether to cry or smile. This is what some people call ‘Educated Nkpari’. Oh well, at least I’m ageing well, you could come in for tutorials. Even though I’m barely four years older than you.

    The reply you gave your sister was spot on, I thank God my family now know where I stand on such issues. After years of giving such a reply, they don’t bother anymore. It’s exhausting but worth it at the end.

    Nice entry as always.

    • #Chestnut
      January 13, 10:36 Reply

      @colossus: I saw what he did there o, I just dey look am…just negodu!

      @Dennis: u better call me “SIR” anytime u want to address me,from now onwards.

    • Dennis Macaulay
      January 13, 10:37 Reply

      1. Is my Ex-list longer than your own? Is that your story now? Lol “K”.

      2. Well I didn’t exactly call you an attractive old man na! I just said you were attractive and older than me. That’s not the same thing!

      3. At least my sister now knows, she will rest going forward! Lol

  13. JArch
    January 13, 10:03 Reply

    Lmaooo Dennis, you just had to drag my fine name into your mess abi? But come ooo…. how can you refer to kindergarten pupils as “MEN”??? mbok don’t make me laugh. They are barely of voting or drinking age biko.

    • Dennis Macaulay
      January 13, 10:39 Reply

      Kindergarten pupils?

      Bitch really?

      Are we gonna have a problem?

      How dare you denigrate my potential husbands?

      • JArch
        January 13, 10:51 Reply

        You started it… Let’s look at the facts shall we.

        KB looks like he just got his driver’s license weeks ago, but can’t order beer or any form of alcohol until he’s 21… Pepsi or milkshakes only. You’re just vexing cos he left you for SLS.

        Denola Grey and Dammy Krane can of course drink, now that they are “22”

        Teckno is entering his second term in Jss2… Would you be attending his inter-house sports event in a few weeks time. I heard he’s in yellow house

        ***cycles away slowly***

        • Dennis Macaulay
          January 13, 11:07 Reply

          Lookatew

          You that is having trysts with men on oxygen tanks in retirement homes!

          My friend go and sleep!

          Nansense

          • JArch
            January 13, 11:19 Reply

            Hahahahaha see them… Haters

            At least you said “Men”…. Bye Felicia!!!

          • Francis
            January 13, 19:44 Reply

            ????? This reminds me I have a movie on this subject somewhere on my hard drive *things I download and never watch sha*

  14. Max 2.0
    January 13, 10:05 Reply

    Too bad, read the comments first before I started a typing this. What’s this I’m hearing about Yoruba Deities and rituals? *shudders*

    I don’t know why sisters always feel justified to tell their siblings how to conduct themselves on social media. Its appalling.

  15. Mitch
    January 13, 10:41 Reply

    Sisters and trying to get us to behave on social media! Your sister reminds me of mine in that aspect.

    And did you call Colossus and Chestnut “older men” in one sentence? E be like say acid bath don dey hungry you.

    • Dennis Macaulay
      January 13, 10:42 Reply

      Lol No vex! Which of the ministries you dey? Church of colossus abi Chestnut ministry?

      #AskingForMyPeaceOfMind

      • Mitch
        January 13, 11:47 Reply

        Hian! You bow want to koba me and make me expose my KD crush abi? E wee nor work!

  16. Delle
    January 13, 14:31 Reply

    That piece on European Demons being nicer really had me cracking. You guys tried to have entered that shrine shaa…I couldn’t have.

    Your sister is the type that annoys me. The kind that would see me take a picture with Denrele and call my mum, all the way from Abuja, just to make a report that I took a picture with Denrele and posted it on facebook. So annoying! Anyway, you are lucky to be mature enough to be your own ‘man’ and stand for yourself. So many of us don’t have that much luxury…yet.
    Nice entry btw. #okbye

  17. Sheldon Cooper
    January 14, 00:12 Reply

    Beautifully written as usually. I admire your sense of humour. Had me laughing like onuku.

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