Before I get into the glorious details of Friday, I need to tell you about her.


*stares dopily at her pictures for thirty minutes before continuing* Sigh.

Whatever, where was I?

Ah yes, Victoria. She was my first. Well, no, actually she wasn’t, but she would have been. I’m being vague, forgive me. We’ll talk about her more later on. She’s a character that everyone can relate to, one of unrequited love. Today, I’ll just speak a little of her.

Victoria is an ex-girlfriend-ish. (It’s complicated.) And she invited me over to hers. This was like three weeks before Kaddy’s Friday. It was a pretty normal invitation to the untrained eye, but to I, Ife, the Freedom fighter of boobs, I could see the real message. The message to the unskilled eye was: “I’ll manage you on Thursday so that I won’t be bored, sha come on time and don’t overdress. You won’t be meeting my parents.”

But to my trained eye, here’s what I noticed.

  1. She said she’ll manage me, implying that she wanted me but didn’t want to show it.
  2. She said so that she won’t be bored, implying that she’ll be home alone.
  3. She said I should come on time, implying that she wants to get the show on the road early so that we can finish before anyone gets back.
  4. ‘Don’t overdress’ implying the less you wear, the faster for you to strip.
  5. ‘You won’t be meeting my parents’ meaning ‘I have planned the day so well that you won’t run into them.’

With all of these noticed, I sharply (pronounced as shaparlee) responded with a cool response. I didn’t want to come off as eager. “Yeah whatever, I’ll see if I can make time for you on Thursday.”

Wednesday evening was reading a lot of Yuriko Hime and spent talking to my lesbian friend about the best way and places to kiss Tori, what to wear, how to please her.

Thursday morning arrived and I was so happy. I was going to have throwback sex with my ex. I bogeyed all the way to the bathroom, to the kitchen, and then to the sitting room, only to see my parents packing their laptops to leave while my younger brother was just watching TV.

“Where are you guys going?” I asked.

“I’m off to London to see the Queen,” my dad replied.

I turned to my mum.

“Ma bi me ni jamb question,” she sang in reply.

I rolled my eyes. See the kind of people I have to deal with everyday.

“Weirdoes, sha when you are ready to go, remember to pack your son along with you,” I retorted, and then turned to sit down.

“I’m going to Abeokuta, he can’t come with me,” Pops protested.

I wasn’t bothered. Shebi the boy has two parents. I was about to sit and enjoy Adventure Time when this woman spoke, “I’m going to school. I can’t take him with me. Stay at home with him.”

I whirled around faster than a ballerina. “E say?” I asked her, to make sure that what she said was a joking sturvs.

“Stay at home with him. He can’t come with us.”

Ah! Mo gbe, mo ku, mo daran! The probability of throwback sex was fast fading from my future.

“But I’m going out today! I told you people since last week. You kent do this to me!” I exclaimed.

“Ace aunty, it’s either you stay home with him or you take him with you. Dinner is yam and eggs. Be back on time,” the woman I call my mother mercilessly replied.

I collapsed dramatically on the floor.

“You can’t do this to me! You’re killing my vibe! This is not fair! I protest this movement. I demand democracy.”

I was yelling all this when my father started singing, “She’s telling me this, she’s telling me that. Wo Bunmi, let’s go joor.”

Is this not wickedness?


I had to take my brother with me, but my opportunity for knacks will not fade away, in Jesus’ name! I told the boy to bring a bag, and then I put in things that could distract a ten year old boy (that I could afford). I put in books, his PSP, bubble gum, sweets, a bottle of water and a stack of cards. Once this was done, I sat him down and told him sternly that when we get there, he should act cool and that he should not embarrass or disturb me. Then I called a Uber.

We had a smooth drive to Isolo. The traffic was not much and my driver had this chiseled jaw with this beautifully strong nose and lovely dimples. His arms were sinewy, and if you see his body eh, yummy-yummy-yum-yum! As he drove, he made light conversation; his voice was this kind of smooth deepness that makes you want to write out a cheque and hand over your soul to him. Sigh, but that’s by the way.

Speaking of way, when we got to Isolo, we lost our way. Google Maps could not find her house street. We stopped to ask one aboki where the place was. He said go forward, turn right, reach the end of the road then turn left. Na so we come follow directions, when we got there, we asked the gate security for the street, my guy come talk say it was where we were coming from. Sha-sha, after like thirty minutes of wrong directions and driving aimlessly about, we found the house. Not that I minded sha, getting to look at the hotness that was my Uber driver was a gift from God.

My brother and I entered the house and immediately this goddess started to fawn over him. It was irritating. I mean, the boy is not that cute, he is just a dimpled ashewo with a cute smile and a good smirk, just like his brother and a little like me, except I don’t have dimples and my smirk is that of a Master.

After rubbing the boy’s head into her breasts (not that the idiot minded, I saw him smiling, but then who no like better thing?) and giving him her own PSP and bending her exquisite ass where I could see it and appreciate it, we left him in the living room and went to her room. I told my brother that we were discussing “private girl’s gist” and that he should not disturb us. (Throwback Sex with Ex about to be on fleek, not that I had ever done Tori before)

We got on the bed and I gave her my laptop and told her to pick any movie she wanted to see. She picked Cameron Diaz’s Sex Tape, and soon we were cuddling while she watched the movie (I was too busy watching her)

She smelt like heaven, so I buried my head in her hair, and then I kissed her neck. We made this delicious eye contact and then our lips connected. I felt tingles run up my spine as I ran my hand through her hair down to her back as our lips moved in sync. Soon, my laptop was cast aside in the corner of the bed and she was sitting on my laps, kissing me. With a gentle “Can I?”, I received permission to unhook her bra. Her breasts came flooding out, and my lawd, they were beautiful. I suddenly understood the motivation that inspired the song ‘I Love Breast’ by Leftside.

Not wasting anytime, I took one of her lovely lady lumps into my mouth and found myself overwhelmed by the amazing taste of breasts. All I could think was, This, this is why I can never ever be straight. She pushed my head further into her breasts, arching her body into mine. As I licked and sucked and squeezed and teased, she began grinding slowly against me. She led my fingers to her deep, deep sea, and as I was about to plunge into the waters, when my brother knocked on the door.


In that moment, I placed a million curses on his lifetime.

“Yes, what’s up?” I croaked.

Tori rolled off me and hooked her bra back up.

“Where do I throw my chewing gum wrapper?”

Again, I ask: Is this not wickedness?


Tori and I had to leave the room then. She showed him the bin, which was in the bloody living room and then we went back inside. Horny me started kissing her again, but this girl wasn’t responding. She now brought out her phone and started calling people, saying that she needed to call them. I did not understand what was happening, so I started to kiss her neck and then her lips. She responded and then she stopped, saying that she couldn’t do this, that she has a boyfriend.

In my mind, I was like: Aunty, five minutes ago, you wanted me to finger-fuck you through nine levels of hell. You dinnor remember that you had a boyfriend then. Wo ogbeni, spread your legs sharp-sharp.

But instead I said, “Don’t think about that right now. Just think about how you feel in this moment, when I kiss you.”

I leaned in and kissed her again. And so the kissing resumed. My hands were on her thighs. Her hands were roaming up my shirt and heading for my breasts.


“Tori! Ife!”

Come, did they send this boy?!

“Ayomikun, what do you want?!” I yelled as Tori’s hands withdrew. Somebody is going to die once we get home, I swear.

“Tori, there’s a man at your gate.”

I sighed.

“Look Ife, just let it go. Let’s go to the parlor,” Tori said.

Game over.

It turned out it was her dad at the gate. He greeted me and asked how my day was going.

What I thought: Oh good afternoon, no I haven’t had a good day. I have been trying to fuck your daughter, I actually studied hard last night on different ways to have her screaming my name, but you and my brother have been fucking pussy blocks. But that’s just my day. How was yours?

What I said: “Good afternoon sir, my day has been fine o. NEPA decided to show us pepper though.”

We shared a laugh at this. We settled on a card game while her dad retired to his room. My brother and I thwacked Tori’s ass, something I wished I could’ve done literally. Eventually we gathered our stuff and we left, but I had left something behind with her, something that I would never admit as a bad ass Yoruba Demon that I am.

*sigh* Well, okay, if you must know: I had left my heart behind, despite all my forming that this was going to be a ‘wham-bam, good bye ma’am’ affair.

And so, that was how I re-caught my feelings for Victoria Akintola.


Oh would you look at that, time’s up for today. It appears you all have to wait till next week to find out about my Friday with Kaddy. I just made a fresh pot of tea. Sip with me? ;D

PS: Someone should tell Microsoft Word that it’s the Nigerian way of life to repeat words, e.g. sha-sha.

Written by iAmNotAPerv

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  1. Griffin
    October 26, 04:54 Reply

    Ok, this was tots Hilare, I was giggling through the whole read. Nice one.

    • iAmNotAPerv
      October 26, 08:34 Reply

      Thanks Griffin, i assure you when it was happening it was not funny at all. I am still beefing my brother on top the matter

  2. Mandy
    October 26, 05:02 Reply

    ???????? This Pervy girl, you have totally become my favourite bestest writer on KD. I didn’t think it possible, but you actually topped the debut episode in how hilarious this one is. I was just laughing throughout. Wednesdays are suddenly looking up around here. 😀

    • iAmNotAPerv
      October 26, 08:40 Reply

      OMG! My day has just been made! My week sef, Thank you, thank you so very much. I topped it. *breaks into awesome sekem* Thank you for reading!

  3. curiouser
    October 26, 08:40 Reply

    Nice. please this is unrelated but what is the meaning of ‘tb’?
    I see you guys use it all the time.

    • iAmNotAPerv
      October 26, 14:47 Reply

      Thanks. My dear friend i have absolutely no idea what it means too lol Perhaps our lovely Pinky will help us out

    • Delle
      October 26, 16:51 Reply

      TB originally means Tuberculosis or the initials of a very popular and controversial man of God in our dear country, but somehow, due to our unsafe environs, it became slang for ‘gay’. Apparently means Top/Bottom (versatiles do not exist here).

      PS: I totally hate the word! ?

  4. Khaleesi
    October 26, 08:53 Reply

    Great read from an obviously talented storyteller! But please remember that your audience is diverse & not everyone understands or speaks Yoruba, kindly add translations in brackets so everyone can follow the convo more easily.
    Please keep this coming!!

    • iAmNotAPerv
      October 26, 09:03 Reply

      Thank you very much Khaleesi! *struggles to contain inner fangirl* I must apologize on that, i am very sorry. i sincerely did not remember to put translations, i will next time though!
      thanks for reading!

      P.S: I love you, please marry me? 😀
      P.P.S: is this proposal too soon?

  5. lluvmua
    October 26, 09:00 Reply

    hehehehehehehehehehehehehehegege I like this girl……… pls pls pls can we be best friends ******puppy face***** best entry for 2016.. . ????????????????????????????? pinky Biko can I get her details????

    • iAmNotAPerv
      October 26, 09:08 Reply

      All these for me?! I’m touched! Sure we can! be warned my best friends never stay best friends ;D ;D
      Just kidding lol
      Best entry?! I disagree! Pinky, give her (are you a her? lol) or him my twitter so that it can go down in the DM 😀

  6. Delle
    October 26, 09:48 Reply

    So much to say.

    Firstly, I totally LOVE you, iAmNotAPerv! I literally couldnt stop laughing throughout the read. Such a well synchronised humorous piece. Really nice.

    And your parents? Jeez. Who woulda known there are actually Nigerian parents with such abundant sense of humour? Nawa o. Kdians and their amazing parents sef?

    I totally enjoyed this. Can’t wait for the next installment. ?

    On an entirely different note now, biko is there a way an innocent citizen in search of a trustworthy Uber can get the digits of that driver? I would like to drive him, sorry mistake, I’d want him to drive me to a place. Thanks ?

    • iAmNotAPerv
      October 26, 10:02 Reply

      So many celebrities commenting on my piece! I love you too Delle! My parents are literally so chill, it’s annoying. Thank you for reading!
      Now on the issue of this Uber, i can totally help you out.
      See, just tell him that you are not comfortable riding with different cars and that he drives very well then ask him if he doesn’t mind you getting his number so that you can call him when you need to ride. Most of them give out their numbers, that way they have stable customers. It was even one of my uber drivers that told me this. I have like seven friends that have done it so it’s a guarantee!
      Thanks for commenting Delle!

      • ambivalentone
        October 26, 10:16 Reply

        I feel like I am always in class with these tips u dish *whips out jotter*

        • iAmNotAPerv
          October 26, 10:20 Reply

          Lol 😀 I love how handy you are, always prepared to take notes

        • Delle
          October 26, 10:58 Reply

          Bitch! It’s my class, my lecture! ?

      • Delle
        October 26, 11:01 Reply

        Thanks hunnay, for the tips.
        XOXO! ?

  7. esv.jay
    October 26, 10:06 Reply

    damn! you nailed this yet again! please never ever stop writing!

    • iAmNotAPerv
      October 26, 10:15 Reply

      Thanks Jay! I assure you i won’t. Thank you for reading

  8. Keredim
    October 26, 11:04 Reply

    “I’m off to London to see the Queen,” my dad replied.

    “Ma bi me ni jamb question,” mum sang in reply.

    Sheer comedy.???????????

    I ❤️️ it.??????

    Nice one…keep it coming.????????

    • iAmNotAPerv
      October 26, 14:54 Reply

      Thanks so much Keredim! *dies from too much blushing*

  9. Jo
    October 26, 11:22 Reply

    This is beautiful on so many levels. keep up the good work sister!

    • iAmNotAPerv
      October 26, 14:55 Reply

      I appreciate your comment, Jo 😀
      Thank you for reading

  10. z
    October 26, 15:14 Reply

    thia is so good!!

  11. swanky
    October 26, 23:02 Reply

    Now I see where my WCW got her humorous nature from.

    • iAmNotAPerv
      October 27, 09:12 Reply

      Lol my parents are filled with humor. the last joke they told me was that they wanted to have a baby. Tots funny right? 🙂

  12. Xav-man
    October 28, 08:14 Reply

    This is too littttttttttttt. I need ur twitter handle lets talk ! ⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡

    • iAmNotAPerv
      October 28, 10:00 Reply

      Thanks Xav! You have to ask Pinky for it, he’s my daddy. he screens all the boys and girls that want to see me. (i tend to corrupt them ;D)

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